Wat shld I do? Hmmm

[eterna2]

Just have a sticky problem. U see, I liked this girl about 3.5 years ago. Secretly admired her for 1 years. We are friends then, but not really close or anything. Then one fine day, I can't stand it anymore and popped her the qns.

 

Well, i made a fool of myself. She very nicely told me she has a bf alreadi and is very happy currently. Well, understandably, I was utterly flabberghasted and tomato red. She said she dropped alot of hints, but guess I'm pretty blockhead. But still we remains friends. Good friends but not really close.

 

Then recently, I broke up with my gf. well, to be acurrate, I was dumped, stomped and crushed. And all these years I was with my gf, I kinda neglected my friends. Anyway, I din't noe wat happened to the her all these times. But no idea why, suddenly, we are kinda back in touch. (kinda lost touch with her)

 

chatted alot, and joked alot. Still good friends and still not close friends. But she really helps alot in the healing process. And I found tat, after all these years, I still like her alot. But me, being a blockhead. I dunno wat to do. cuz I dunno what happened to her all these years, and she nv tells me either.

 

I tried asking her out, kinda, but guess I'm pretty thick. I nv might to get her out. No idea is tat a hint or she is really busy? SOmetimes it is hard being such a blockhead. I prefer a direct answer. But do u think it is silly to pop the qns twice?

 

I'm really afraid of getting the same answer again. And I dun really noe if she will be my friend still, cuz i'm afraid she thinks I'm pester her.

 

oh well, the curse of blockheadedness

[Shy_Guy]

It's always unfortunate when the object of our affection doesn't always have the same feelings for us that we do for them. It hurts, and yes it's embarrassing. Obviously this girl likes you, but just doesn't think of you in a romantic setting. You need to look at reality for what it REALLY is, rather that what you wish it to be. If you can't be her friend just for friends sake, then you're doing her and yourself a disservice. You'll always be more than a little disappointed because she can't give you what you're looking for, and you'll leave her feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable because of your unwanted advances. If you can't be JUST a friend, then you need to leave her alone.

 

Sorry I can't give you more positive advice.

[eterna2]

bummer... haha thanks... actually knew the answer, just needed someone to say it aloud...

 

thanks

 

some times it can't be helped... haha cuz u see, I'm kinda those sort tat always get left out and ignored.

 

well and she is one of those very few nice pple who cared.

[Jeffrey]

Shy guy's right. I fell in love with my friend (the only difference is she has similar feelings for me...but we're both married. Please no lectures!) Because its clear we can never have the relationship we'd like, its almost tortuous to be with her...knowing it can't go any further (about the most we allow ourselves is some light romantic encounters).

 

One comment I will make though is in the beginning, when we first talked about our feelings, she told me that although she couldn't cross the line, she did have feelings for me that went beyond just being friends. Right or wrong, I was patient and she's somewhat changed her mind in that she now allows herself some romance with me. (I have to admire her restraint, she really wants to have a full blown affair with me, but she's protecting herself and her kids. She's stronger than I am.)

 

However, as much as I love her, should we be easier if I never started down that path

[eterna2]

yeah. I think u're in a more sticky mess than i. U really shld start deciding, and perhap stop it before it becomes a BIGGER mess.

 

I dunno, but got a bad feeling if this goes on. Once the cat is out of the bag, think is will be very bad for u, her and her family. Best put a FULL STOP. Period.

 

 

Anyway... just maybe kinda update... I got something like an online diary. A public one and a private one. I mostly writes my thoughts on the world and how pple shld live in the public one. And the private one, are mostly my "real" diary, where I write all my stuffs, etc...

 

Got kinda password before anyone can read it thou. And I wrote a riddle to the password. well, she guessed it, and asked if she can read my diary.

 

do u think i shld let her read?? cuz... er... I wrote alot of stuff about how pretty she is, how much I like her, etc etc...

[Jeffrey]

I'm no expert, but I see nothing to be gained by letting her read your diary. You need to be free to write whatever you want there without fear what someone might think. Whatever you want her to know, I recommend you sit down in front of her, gently hold both her hands and tell her. That's always best. And its better to know what her reaction will be vs worrying about it and not knowing.

 

As for my situation (thanks for your thoughts by the way), you're right, I have created a mess. I talked with "the other woman" at length, she's feeling guilty and I'm feeling responsible (as I should!). We're going to back off for a while and return to being just friends. There will always be strong feelings between us and I suspect we'll relapse occasionally (we've actually tried backing off before). It's going to be very tough for me. I'm torn because she truly is both my best friend and the object of my affection. I love her in many ways, but I need to do what's best for her and not let my selfishness ruin her life. She loves her husband, but is very attracted to me. So, my plan is to try to be just friends with her, while getting my own relationship situation straightened out. I like my wife, but sometimes I hate her. We get along okay, but I just don't care any more. I can't see spending the rest of my life in a boring, loveless marriage. I really think that my affair has opened my eyes to what other people are like, what a relationship with another woman can be like, and I think thats what I want. I guess I'll just need to find that relationship somewhere else. I'm afraid I'll get divorced and end up alone and miserable. What a mess, huh? Counseling starts for me next week. I hope it helps me works through all this, and quickly. I have a pain in my stomach all the time and can't focus. I love my "girlfriend", but can't have her. I have lost all interest in my marriage, so I'm essentially faking everything right now. I can't keep this up! My wife keeps asking me what's wrong and has actually asked if there is someone else (not surprising, she's always been the suspicious type!). Sorry for hijacking your thread eterna2!

[eterna2]

nay, its okay. Always better to say it out. Sometimes feelings are hard to control. I can't really give any advices, but maybe u shldn't see her so much. It will only make it hard for u to sort things out. Maybe have some time to "cool" off, both of u, before coming to any decisions in the future.

 

well, as for me... kinda feeling disappointed and sad today, but serve me rite...

 

Never seek to tell thy love

 

Never seek to tell thy love

Love that never told can be;

For the gentle wind does move

Silently, invisibly.

 

I told my love, I told my love,

I told her all my heart,

Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears--

Ah, she doth depart.

 

Soon as she was gone from me

A traveller came by

Silently, invisibly--

O, was no deny.

 

~ William Blake (1757-1827)

 

u see, i dun even get to see her at all... maybe once a month or less... Although both of us are in the university, but we are both doing different courses, and anyway, she's always so bz...

 

anyway, I noe the answer. Forcing an answer will only make things difficult between us. I'm very sensitive to this sort of things, just kinda in self-denial mode. Very similar 2 to ye. Digging my own grave.

[Jeffrey]

I can tell you're a thoughtful, sensitive, romantic type of guy. I'm probably wrong about this, but if I were in your shoes, I'd roll the dice and find out where I stand with her. I'd ask her out and make it clear its a date, something romantic...but don't push. If she declines completely, be a man, tell her you understand, and if you want to, tell her you want to continue to be friends. Add in you just think so highly of her you wanted to get closer to her. Then keep looking for your soulmate. You may be locking in too much on this one person and missing others. Get social, get out with friends.

 

If she accepts, don't push for everything in one date. Just show her you're a great guy who likes her alot, and see where it goes.

 

You'll never know unless you try. If its not to be, its better to know. And we're here for you. Best wishes, and stay in touch!

 

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

 

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

[eterna2]

very nice poem. Did u write it? I kinda collect poems, can I add it into my website (er... when I eventually finish making it)

 

I'm a nerdy, insecured, unromantic guy who can't express himself at all. I'm can only express myself thru art or words, but I can't speak or do anything else. And I'm scare of pple. mildy autistic am I. sigh* the more upset i get, the more poetic and metaphoric i get, when i speak. No one can make sense of wat i say then. sigh*

 

Oh well, that is the problem. I tried that once, 3 years ago. But is it too soon to try again? or not to try at all, and do as I had promised 3 years ago?

 

Hope will only kill my heart

 

Hope will only kill my heart

Heart which yearn for thy sweet love

Ashes from ember, cold and dark

Fading lights, my forlorn love

 

I beg for love, for thy sweet love

My hand retreats with bleeding cuts

Thousand eyes to shed their tears

This starry night, am torn apart

 

And so I plot my bloodstained chart

Not to reach, want no cuts

With heavy heart I doth depart

O' the world, to thy I shut

 

~ Eterna2

[Jeffrey]

Eterna2, Those were actually words from a song by Garth Brooks called the Dance.

 

I think you just need to bolster your confidence. Don't fear failing, you only fail if you don't try. I used to be shy and still sometimes don't have any self-confidence (but I fake it very well). Get out and talk to people. Make friends with the opposite sex...not just for dating but just to be friends. You'll learn alot. But don't fall for every girl who is nice to you. Keep it separate.

 

Give yourself a pep talk. Watch other guys who you respect and who appear confident. Girls/women like guys who appear sure of themselves.

 

You're a sensitive guy, and I think you ARE romantic. You just don't know how to express it verbally. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. Make friends. It ain't as hard as you think.

[eterna2]

I think I'm a very strange and self-conflicting person. Few people can really understand me, even myself is confused by myself.

 

I'm shy and not shy. Confident yet not confident. You see, I'm not the typical shy guy, I'm a strange shy guy. I get along with girls better than guys, got more female friends than guys, hang around with them more than my "brothers". Cuz I find, in general, girl groups are more sensitive and understanding.

 

Actually I'm not afraid to ask when I like a girl. It is just this girl tat I'm afraid. Cuz, she's a friend. I'm afraid, cuz, if we are not familiar, things won't be so bad if things dun turn out. Too many mutual friends.

 

This is wat happened the last time when my ex dumped me. All our mutual friends fled to her side. Guess girls tend to stick together. Thou we are still friends, just I'm not included in the group any more.

 

So I'm just very afraid of losing her friendship, and most of my friends. And yes, I'm very very afraid of rejection. Wasn't before. But eversince my last break up, I dun think I can take heart break again. Too many times, too painful ... Each time, it takes me over a year to get over, I can't take depression anymore... I'm 5'7" but i only weighs a measly 115 lbs. Sleepless nights and hardly eating anything, no I dun wanna be depressed again.

 

I'm still depressed now, but it isn't so bad now. sigh*

 

so how's ya counselling coming along?

[Jeffrey]

Eterna2, Don't let your depression go on too long before you seek help. Try taking a good quality St.Johns Wort supplement. I know it helps some people as much a prescriptions.

 

Had one counseling session so far. It helps so much to be able to open up and tell a stranger EVERYTHING. I'm convinced I'm so dis-satisfied with my marriage that I'll have to end it, but I still can't imagine doing it. I want to complete a couple more sessions before I decide.

 

Tell you're friend you don't want to lose her as a friend..that you'd protect that over all else, but that you also think there is a more potential between you. I still think you'd be better off knowing for sure.

 

You sound like a great person. Very deep. Best wishes to you. Stay in touch.