He thinks I'm with him for MY money (makes sense, honest)

[jealous2003]

Hi guys,

 

some of you have maybe read some of my posts before, there's a few, describing the up's and downs of me and my boyfriend Rico. Well we're having another one. See Rico is in debt, about £1500 I guess, and so far £460 of that is to me.

 

I lent him that to come on holiday with me, and we decided he was going to start paying it back this month. But he's also got a credit card debt, car insurance, his payments on a guitar he bought, and just recently he failed to appear in court to give evidence on an incident he saw, so he has to cough up £150 by September 30th. But he doesn't have the money, so I'm lending it to him to get him out of the trouble. And I know he'll pay it back, I trust him to do that.

 

The thing is last night things were a little weird at his house, I was bored because there was nothing to do, and so I wasn't talking much, and when we went to bed Rico asked if I was pissed off at him. I told him I wasn't and I thought he was pissed off at me coz we weren't really talking all night. Anyways the point is that he ended up saying that he thinks I'm fed up with him, and fed up with him having no money to take me out and basically that he thinks I'm just staying with him coz he owes me all that money. I said I don't care about the money.

 

I know it hurts his pride, A LOT, that he has to borrow off his girlfriend and that I pay when we go out, It would hurt any guys pride. But we've been together for a year now, do you think he really thinks that I'm shallow enough to stay with him because he owes me money. I don't know how to convince him otherwise! I told him I loved him, like I usually do, and normally he says "I love you too" but last night he replied with "no you don't."

 

All this time I've been thinking he's the one getting fed up with me and it really turns out it's the other way round. How do I sort this mess out??

[jack79]

Hi Laura well I feel if I was in his place I would well react the way he has because when a guy becomes monetarily dependent on his girlfriend well, it tends to make us guys feel real insecure.

 

I’ve gone through this my x gf was earning more than me and although we used to go out and I would always pay , I always felt insecure that I couldn’t give her things or show her a good time which hse could afford , and this would leave me feeling very empty and it hurt my self-esteem a lot … My gf loved me a lot but I needed a lot of assurance… for example if we went out and even if we had a good time I needed her to tell me that she had a good time or I would feel really dejected .

 

See its not you, like it wasn’t my x its just the way we guys are specially when we are in love ….we want the best for are mate and cant stand to be looked after monetarily. I mean of course exceptions are always there.

 

I would suggest build up his ego and esteem …you could do this by telling him how much you appreciate and love him for various things besides money. How he completes you and how you are happy being with him and that sooner then later he will be better of financially.

 

I hope I helped

 

[michelemybell]

Hi,

It sounds like you two care about each other a lot. But I did get concerned reading your post.

You said that you previously lent your boyfriend money and that he was going to start paying it back this month. But then he has this other debt, and you're lending him more money to get out of trouble.

I had a boyfriend who acted very similar---when all was said and done, I was $6,000 in debt and he was out the door. He promised to pay me back, but all I saw was $50 (yet he always found enough money to spend on other things). I loaned him the money cause I wanted to help him. All I ended up was feeling used.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is anything like my ex, but your boyfriend does need to learn a thing about taking responsibility for his debt. When you keep on giving, he doesn't need to do anything. He knows you're there to help him out.

If you really want to help him (and trust me, he will appreciate it in the long run), don't lend him anymore. Let him face his responsiblities on his own like a grown up. I think he will respect you more for it.

[Mar]

I was in a similar situation in that my fiance wasn't working for most of the two years we've been together, so the financial strain was on me to pay all the bills, grocery shop, buy him the things he needed, etc. But my view on lending money is this: don't lend it with the expectation that you'll ever see it back again. If you do, it's a nice surprise. Just make sure you can afford to "lend" it before giving it, so there's no resentment later if your mate can't cough it up for whatever reason.

 

Yes, it's very hard on the male ego to have to depend on his woman to support him, that's very true. My guy has said the same thing, and we simply don't discuss it, understanding that it has to be this way if we want to be together. He just got a job a few weeks ago, so I'm waiting to see if he'll now pick up some of the bills like he says he's going to.

 

In your situation, the tone was just wrong. How is it that he's making YOU look bad when all you're trying to do is help him? There's no need to tiptoe around him for fear that you'll upset him by bringing up money, HE should be thanking you for being patient and generous! And no, not for YOUR ego boost or whatever, simply because it's the polite thing to do. For him to say "No you don't" after you told him you love him is just plain rude and inconsiderate, after your patience and helping him with mounting debt, not to mention that he completely threw your feelings for him back into your face! If he has that much of an issue with you giving him money, then he needs to STOP ACCEPTING IT, not whine that he doesn't like being dependent on you! He can't have it both ways.

 

I'd say that if this continues to be an issue, do as one person said and simply stop giving it to him. Let him know that you love him dearly, but that it's causing too much stress with you bailing him out all the time. If he's working, he'll have to make arrangements/a payment plan to pay off his debt, not accept your generosity and continue to pile up bills when he hasn't cleared the ones he's already gotten!