Don't Want To Die - Please help.

[HeartOnWheels]

Hi,

 

I am writing out of sheer desperation. Unlike many of the topics here, I'm a unique case. I'm suicidal but don't want to die. Here's the story.

 

About six months ago, I went to the doctor with back ache and pain. He diagnosed a curvature of the spine, which he checked and called a gradual problem. I asked him what I could do to correct it and he said nothing. I suffer from another problem called "Brittle Bone Disease" which means the bones are fragile and break easier than anyone else's bones. Back braces could work, but may be too tight and could break my ribs. That said he told me the curvature was slight and that he wouldn't risk an operation at this stage because he wasn't sure if it the risks (ie damage to my bones) was worth it at this stage.

 

For the last six months then I've been experiencing a terrible form of depression. I've been suicidal because of this and have a feeling of impending death. I've had periods of not eating, sickness and terrible tiredness too. I'm paranoid to the point that I look in the mirror all the time to see if the curve is getting suddenly worse. I feel like I've been told that I've got AIDS and I only have six months to live, even though I know people would operate on me if needed - no doctor would ignore my problem. I develop total irrational panic, wondering if my organs have moved as a result of my bones curving, I am completely gripped by paranoia, terror and fear. I've lost all my confidence and am putting my girlfriend under intense pressure, because I'm reacting coldly to her. That's because I think I'm going to die and I don't want her to be alone.

 

Please help me.

[Azn Girl]

I'm sorry I can't do anything to help and that you have this disease. I'm not sure of what I can do but one thing is to never give up.

I mean you never know when there is a cure. That's all I really can say.

And I'm sorry again. Remember just don't give up hope. And about that operation...I think that you shouldn't do it. Even though it _could_ be the only way I still think that you shouldn't. It would be risky and it's not safe. I'm very sorry and I'm not sure if this is even a good advice. But I just want to tell to just don't give up. You can make it when you know you can. And about your girlfriend...I think she should understand your situation. I mean you told her right?

Anyways just don't lose hope and never give up.

 

 

Sincerly,

Azn Girl

[d1whoutf]

Hey heartonwheels!

I really feel sorry for the disease you have. But I'm glad to know that you also think about how your girlfriend feels. Does she know that you have this disease? If yes, she has accepted you, hasn't she? If I were you, I would apologize and explain her that I'm going through a hard time

But...... your doctor could have been mistaken. Have you tried getting a second opinion? However, your doctor said that your bones are more fragile, but they would not necesarily break. I mean, human bones can resist much weight, pressure, (whatever you want to call it), so, it might cause only a slight weakness.

Have you searched if that disease causes death? I'm sure it doesn't. You only have to be more careful and not do things that could harm you bones (that means no football, sorry). That's as far as I understand from your post.

Cheer up! Forget all your sadness and think about the many people that love you! Don't think about whatever your sickness is or causes, remember that you only live once!

Hope this helps

D1whoutf

[Aura Seeker]

We are all going to die! If you have this fear that you are going to do it soon, you should live each day to its fullest.

 

You didn't say that they told you that you were going to die.

 

Hug your girlfriend like you aren't going to be there tomorrow! I believe that your fear is unfounded, but if you indeed believe that you are going to die soon, embrace life.

 

Personally, I am not afraid to die. I would be afraid of leaving my daughter behind and alone.

 

If you spend your whole life being afraid that you are going to die (which you are, we all do) then you will have forgotten to live while you were alive.

 

Take all things in its day. You are alive today, act alive. The day you die, act dead! ;-)

 

A

[Gunther]

as serious as these problems may be they can be over come. first off you probly have scoliosis {curvature of the spine} because of your brittle bones. back braces will probly work just dont put em' on too tight. avoid heavy lifting {well duh Virus} but mostly just try to sit or lay down a lot. but if you just sit all day your muscles may atrophy which means they schrivel up and become weak. maybe you can get one of those devices that will send a little electric pulse through your muscles and cause it to tence this will actualy build muscles tissue so you will not suffer the effects as much. although I dont know the full extent of the britalness of your bones these are just a few ideas. hope I helped =D

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Hello Brave one,

 

I am very proud of you for coming here and sharing such a touching and yet very serious story. However I think you may be scaring yourself when you have nothing to fear!

I think that what I can tell you will help. I believe that if you can look at Death in a whole different light...maybe it would help. Until you realize that death is not as bad as we tend to make it..you will continue to fear something that is not to be feared at all.

 

You must try to understand what the words "death" "leaving this world" and Dying " really mean. We are taught to fear the one thing that we cant control and that is dying. This is a great time for you to develop a relationship with what ever higher force you can identify with. I choose the Lord, others choose, other things. But what ever it is, you need to get to know it, and share this with it, until it speaks back to you. Quiet your soul and meditate on this.

 

I do not fear dying because I know that after I pass I still have a job to do and a great place to go to ...Not to mention my father being Budhist has taught me to look at things from a view that even I can understand.

 

You should go to a bookstore "Walden Books" or Barnes and noble and read what you can about not having fear and not letting fear take over you.

Let me know what you think about this!

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Now with that being said...I would also like to add that I believe that your stresses are coming from your day to day pain in dealing with your body going through so many changes.

 

 

So its not neccesarily your fear of death that you have its more of a concern issue of what your going through and what your putting your girlfriend through...You don't want her to go, but you don't want her to stay and be hurt. Understand that if you did go through with killing yourself she would be the most hurt, so if anything..please.think of that before making any final decisions. j

 

Scoliosis, is not a thing that you can't cure. Please get a second opinion, your doctor is incorrect. I know two woman.."Noel" and "Kirsten" with this disease and they are still alive and healty. NOw is not the time to give up although your feelings a very understood and not taken lightly..but you need to use this to your advantage. Form a bond with your girlfriend and let her help you get through this, for I am sure that she is your biggest support. Don't just lay down and take it up the butt, your stronger then that, let her help you and even when you feel like giving up, keep this in mind.

 

What if you had a child who you loved deeply with the same diesease you have, and all they wanted to do was die, what would you want them to think? How would you keep them motivated? When you figure this out..then you will have the answer to your questions...

 

I am praying for you.

[jacobs]

you are tough......it will pass...

we are all going to die.......you have still got a long ways to go

[Jacob-love]

Alright.. First off get a grip of youself! No one lives if they want to die! - Get it? no!? Then Slap yourself and listen up! Depression is bad, but.. the strongest statement you made is "My girlfriend".. Live for her! Be happy for her!! Be your normal self, don't do rough things, hang out, have fun,. go the the movies.. Did the Doctor say this would kill you? From waht you've said.. No! Then why worry about dying! From Experience.. DO NOT PUT TENSION ON HER!! If you love her and you do put tension on, she'll make like plane... FLY! Don't do it.. Be happy, be strong minded... How? Just do it! Don't think about it. just say.. ok.. today i'm going to see a movie.. what can hurt me on my way.. Find out, and minimize it. BBD is sersious but you can live with it, Try.. You have to! BE strong physically, and mentally! For her! For you!

[confusedwhcbyahoo.com]

nobody knows when they are going to die, only God knows. so i think that for you to give up and to end ur life, is like loosing ur trust in God..that, u should never do.

my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and she was so scared of death. to our shock and sadness, my uncle died in an accident..who would have thought that she would live longer?

i'm not trying to make u sad with this story, all i'm trying to say is, u should not try to end ur life..doctors come up with new cures everyday...please go to more doctors, and try to learn more abot ur disease and what u can do...don't push ur gf away...i'm sure she is confused and scared, and worried about u.

please don't loose faith...

katie

[eterna2]

Death is nothing to us,

since when we are, death has not come,

and when death has come, we are not.

 

~ Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)

 

Do waste time pondering over something that you have no control. Just prepare for the future!

 

Death needs no preparation, it is better to be prepared for tomorrow than realise u are still alive and u are not ready for it.

[HeartOnWheels]

Hi,

 

Thank you for all the various messages that have come through.

 

Virus: You did indeed get it right when you said "Scoliosis". The doctor also made no mention of death/time of worsening. He said it was a slight gradual curve(6 months ago) and that as I didn't have breathing/swallowing/eating issues, he was more than satisfied. As recommended on many of the Scoliosis sites, the first stage of 'treatment' is to monitor it and see how it goes. No comment has been made on any site I've seen about death through Scoliosis itself, because once the curve reaches (IF it does) 40 degrees, then the back is fused. Physically (whilst attempting to keep a clear head at the same time) it appears that even if the curve restricts breathing etc by going past 45 degrees, there are oxygen supplies etc that I could get if things got bad. Ultimately, I'm sure you'll probably agree that Scoliosis even for a Brittle Bone Sufferer is logically not fatal. Thank you for your advice my friend and it helped a lot.

 

Sweetypie: I would love to talk further with you if that's possible? I'll PM you maybe at a later date and we could talk further. I've been to see my local priest for my mental fears and she was a huge help, so I agree in part that God or whomever does help. On the medical side I agree with you also, and you are probably right that it is not AS serious as I may irrationally feel it is. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Thank you all.

 

Paul