College

[rob d.]

My girlfriend of 18 months went to college about 3 weeks ago (2 hour drive from my college). A week ago, after a great weekend of visiting(we both feel this way), we got in a small argument. The next day she said she was confused and had to think about our relationship. Several days after that, she broke up with me.

 

She says she is still attracted to me and that she loved me even the day we broke up. But she will no longer say 'love you' or anything similar in emails, calls, or on AIM. She gets uncomfortable when I express feelings of intimacy with her that have not changed for the past year and a half, and she has known about them the entire time. I am confused at how one day she can love me, and the next just want to 'be my friend'. She says she is still attracted to me, but just doesn't want a boyfriend. I dont know what this means. She said that there could still be a future between the two of us, but i find this hard to believe. This dramatic change of attitude occurred very abruptly and caught myself as well as our friends and families by surprise.

 

She feels horrible. This morning she came crying to me about how crappy she felt. I spent the next two hours making her stop crying and eventually to laugh and smile. I'm so confused. What do you think she feels for me? Should I keep trying to get back with her even though she just wants me to stop?

 

She is coming home this weekend and wants to see me. I dont know how I'm going to act. I'm going to want it to be the same, and try to be sappy and romantic and try to be emotionally close with her, but I fear it will just hurt the situation more.

[SunnyScott]

Your ex-girlfriend is going through a tough time right now. She's going through a lot of changes. She still loves you though, don't doubt it, but her career and possibly, her whole life is on the line.

 

She's got a lot to think about. Don't worry too much, just be there to support her. Hopefully, the two of you can work things out.

[katana]

Start distancing yourself from her - but still be loving about it all. Meaning - support her decision FROM A DISTANCE; do not support her ALWAYS on her terms of "gee, I don't know about us, can we see each other tonight" - that's bull.

 

Let her feel what it feels for you [to be distanced]. What you need to do is NOT become clingy. Be confident and in control of yourself. She'll respond to your strenght and self-control. Always - think positively about the two of you. Everything in your mind and what you say should represent positive [possibilities]. Let her see your positive side. When you start going down the "it's tough times", "not good right now" kind of thought pattern - she'll sense it and respond to it like she is doing now - by distancing herself.

 

You can make it come back to you and her - just remember all the things she liked about you when you first met and see how you are/were now - I'll bet you were different early on in the relationship. More confident, more creative maybe - think about it.

 

Stay postitive, stay confident - she will respond and you will be able to tell if she is worth YOU.

 

Respects

[tylerdurden]

The following post is lengthy and is not sugar coated. However, it will prove to be useful if you want her back.

 

 

First, you have to understand the situation and what could be going through her head. Keep in mind that I don't know her personality so you may be able to narrow this down more concisely than I - these are just the most likely scenarios.

There are a couple possibilities here. One possibility for you is that she has no interest in continuing a relationship with you - in which case there is nothing you can do to change the situation. Once you are in "let's just be friends" land, there is nothing you can do, and it's time to move on.

 

However, given the situation, that does not sound like this is the case. It sounds more like one of the following: a) She knows how madly in love with her you are and she assumes you will be there for her even if she's off doing her own thing (which may or may not include getting with other guys, which seems a relatively frequent motivation), or b) she is confused and does not know if your relationship is worth the sacrifices a long distance relationship will require. If either of these are the case, you can get her back. However, you are going to have to change a lot of your thoughts about the relationship and start doing some things differently.

 

Katana had a very good start on what you need to do. I'll elaborate and give you some more examples. The entire premise of how you get her back is to give her a sense that she is not in complete control of the relationship - you are independent and if she chooses to continue down the LJBF road, you will move on with your life, keep up with school, be happy, find another woman, etc, and you won't skip a beat (even if this is not the truth). Basically, if you give her a taste of what it's like to lose you (and demonstrate that you are capable at a moment's notice of doing so), then she will desperately try and prevent this.

 

It sounds to me like, even though she has "broken up" with you, you are still giving her many of the benefits of being with you. For example, when she is having a tough time with things, you sit there and listen to her for 2 hours. You're used to doing this kind of thing, as you were committed to each other, but you need to distance yourself from this type of interaction unless she re-commits to you. The reason is this: If you keep listening to her all the time, and always seem to make time for her even though she's not committed to you, she will think she's got you wrapped around her finger. At this point you have become "clingy", which is a very detrimental thing in these situations (incidentally this is also the case early on in relationships). Instead of listening to her unload all of her problems on you for 2 hours, listen and be nice about it for 15 or 20 minutes and then cut it short - tell her you have other committments (whatever they may be, class, a meeting, a dinner date that was made a week ago with a group of friends - whatever, make one up if you have to. Be sure you demonstrate that you are already getting on with your life). Doing this will set up a contrast in her mind: "When I was his girlfriend, he would listen to me for hours, no matter what meetings he had.. and that made me happy.. but now that I broke up with him, he seems to be busy with other things.." Now she begins to realize that if she wants these things from you, she needs to be committed to you. If you do not take this step, you are, in effect, "whipped", and have lost control to her. She can now do what she wants and probably won't think twice about it.

 

Start to cut her off from many of the things that defined your relationship in it's serious stages. For example, maybe you txt messaged her before she went to bed some nights: "love you baby, sweet dreams, xoxox".. Don't say "I love you" anymore if she doesn't, even if you still do. Don't be doing that kind of thing if she "broke up" with you. She will begin to miss these little things and will begin to learn what life would be like without you - and if you've done anything right in the past 18 months, she will begin to want those things back. But, again, this step will not be effective unless you demonstrate that you are willing to move on and she may very well lose these things forever.

 

It all goes back to the premise that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. So let her know what it's like for it to be gone.

 

A couple other things. In your post, you said: "I'm going to want it to be the same, and try to be sappy and romantic and try to be emotionally close with her, but I fear it will just hurt the situation more."

 

DON'T. Avoid this at all costs. Do not let things be the same. You went out with her for 18 months, so there are undoubtedly things she loves about you and there are things you do that make her feel great emotionally and mentally. Don't let her have these things if she doesn't committ to you. It's a mutual relationship - do not give unless she is willing to do the same. Don't be sappy, don't be romantic, don't be emotionally close. That's what would put her in control and that's what will make you seem clingy. Instead, distance yourself. Treat her more like an acquantaince than a girlfriend and she will begin to see what life would be like without you. Many people make a mistake here though. Do NOT be impolite, condescending, or rude to her by any means. Be nice and be polite, but do so as if you had known her for a week. Do not do so as if you were committed to each other - because you're NOT.

 

You also said: "Should I keep trying to get back with her even though she just wants me to stop?"

 

You want her back? Then don't try and get back with her. If you TRY and get back with her and continue on the route you are on, you have very little chance of getting her back. Instead, distance yourself, show off your independence and self-confidence and demonstrate that you CAN and WILL get on with your life - with our without her.

 

At any rate - whatever you decide to do, I know the situation is not easy. Whatever course of action you decide to take, I wish you the best of luck.

 

-td

[rob d.]

Well, I found out today that she still has feelings for me. She doesn't love me though because we both said some pretty hurtful things to each other during this all (at first she said she had no feelings for me.. she didnt want to appear foolish). Now she just 'wants to be friends'. She said it isnt completely out of the picture of us getting together, but that it might not be for a very long time (like 6 months to a year). She said she doesn't want to burn any bridges and that she was jealous when she thought I had feelings for someone else. She feels like she is losing the most important person in her life. It pretty much came down to that and this:

"You're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm stupid for not realizing that you are one of the best friends i'll ever have. I'm sorry i we'll never fix things and my word s will never be enough. I can only hope that we can move past all of this and become friends again and hopefully I'll get to know myself and you all over again. No one ever loved me like you did and no one ever will."

 

I'm so confused, she goes back and forth and back and forth. I dont know if i should stick it out for another six months or whatever for the 'possibility' that she will come back to me. Any insight? comments?

[katana]

Let the mind games begin...

 

You have a couple of choices - go along with her on those terms or offer a counter-proposal.

 

My suggestion is to accept it as if it is terminal - thereforeeee, you will work from a stable base. You mind and body will work from that point to what is or is not possible.

 

Just the fact that you are unnerved [i would be too], suggests that you are not emotionally ready to handle what ELSE she has in store for you.

 

The cynical side of me suggests that she is taking Control [and you are losing control] - if so, she needs to see unswerving nerves of steel.

 

The dorky-happy side of me suggests that....well, even the dorky side of me doesn't see her compromise in this. She's giving you nothing - and your're gonna take it.

 

Well my friend - your nerves of steel and heart of gold have to make you preserve your dignity and self respect at ALL costs. There are limits to loving even women...

 

Keep writing - more here than to her. Trust me - you need to be silent for a while and resolve your mind to some goal. Stay positive - think positive - eat well and exercise as much as you can.

[tylerdurden]

Alright, Rob. I'm going to let you in on something that you will find out sooner or later. You probably don't believe it now, and maybe it's something you have to experience to believe. I'm not going to sugar coat things. This may or may not be how it is, but you need to expect the worst in order to demonstrate independence from her.

 

"Let's just be friends" = "I want someone else"

 

Whether that someone else is an actual person or is her theoretical idea of a guy that she wants to get with is beside the point. She tells you that she just wants to be friends because she wants to get her boyfriend benefits from someone else (at least for now). The fact that she said you may have a chance getting back together in the future suggests two things to me. 1) Either this person she's after isn't a sure thing and she may want to come back to you, or 2) The person she's after is still an idea more than someone in her life.

 

The point is, she thinks she has control over you, and can go do whatever she wants for 6 months to a year (or forever), as you wait for her. Life is too short for that. My response to the one-sided "Let's just be friends" is "No thanks, I've got enough friends." Why? Because 95% of the time "Let's just be friends" when only 1 party in a relationship wants it is a manipulation technique. Instead, I would show independence, and make it clear that you will get on with your life.

 

All I can say is be careful, Rob. Maybe things will work out between you two, maybe not. For now I would say be independent, stay busy, and don't be surprised by anything.