Needing to vent!!!

[IhateJealousy]

Ok, so when I was younger (like last year, lol), i used to say to myself that it didn't matter who my boyfriend wanted to be with as long as at the end of the day, he came home to me. So about 9 months ago I met a really GREAT guy, we started dating and it was going good. Actually, the first few months were a little rough. I suffer from depression and the poor guy had to be one of my victims. lol.

Anyways, we've been dating since then, he's 23. He has always been more than just a boyfriend to me. I'm not sure how to explain it but I'll try. Since we first started dating he's always given me the feeling that he was in love with me; and about 7 months ago he said the "L" word. Well I gues our relationship has been going ok. We have our up and downs but for the most part it's good. To give you an example of how good it is, our families both think we're going to get married soon.

Well, last month, I had a feeling in my gut that said that he had lied to me. You see the thing is, his brother is my good friend, and so he tells me some stories about when they lived back in another country. Some of the stories he's told me (we'll call him "B" for tracking purposes: the brother) don't match up with the stories my BF has told me. In those stories, my BF has done things that maybe he's a little ashamed of. (He went out with Bs ex-girlfriend, and my BF and her were REALLY serious until he had to move to the US). *side note* me and my BF are EXTREMELY close. He tells me everything!* WHen he didn't tell me the truth about his ex, I felt that there was more to the story than what my BF was saying. I felt that because he had "failed to mention" that little detail he was hidding more! So I went into his e-mail and he had a folder full of messages from her. Granted they were old messages from 2004 but they were in a special folder and he had saved them. I was outraged!!!! But, a couple of days later I comfronted him and we worked it out. I was wrong.

Many times in our relationship I have freaked out because I think that he's cheating me or betraying me. It's EXTREAMLY odd of me! I don't do that kind of thing and I usually don't care either. But, we've also talked about how, because I'm the "jealous" type when it comes to things dealing with him, that I think that watching porn is like cheating on me. It makes me feel like I'm not satisfying him. (He's my first by the way). He's reassured me that he hasn't watched porn in a while, but then a few weeks ago the topic comes up and he tells me that the week before, since we hadn't made love, he watched porn many the times. I let that one slide because, he's a guy, and he had a point. So today, I'm here at his house, and on a screen he has opened on his computer is a folder containing new porn he downloaded last night while he told me he was sleeping! He's at work now just FYI. He hasn't been deprived this week AT ALL!!! My problem with it is more the fact that he lies to me about it and he hides it from me more than the thought that he's cheating on me.

I HATE THIS FEELING OF JEALOUSY AND MISTRUST!!!! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!! I have a really hard time trusting men. I was molested by a man when I was younger and I've never had good relationships when it comes to guys. I can't trust him! As much as I want to! I want to REALLY love him and let him into my life, but I'm putting up walls between us and pushing him away. He still loves me despite the fact that I'm a psycho! Why can't I just get over it and LOVE him?!?!?!

Thanks for letting me vent! lol

[Jetta]

Why can't I just get over it and LOVE him?!?!?!

Truthfully that's really what therapy is for. You have issues with being molested. Also when you start to really care i.e. love a guy you put your defenses up because you're afraid of getting hurt. But by acting out you're building walls (as you said) and pushing him away. Unless you do something to break this pattern you will ruin what is a good relationship.

 

Really look into therapy. You'll be given tools to work through this and maintain a healthier relationship.

[IhateJealousy]

actually i started going to therapy about a year and a couple of months ago. I'm on medication now, but it's... I don't know! I'm beyond help!!! lol. and his brother just got here and he's reading e-mails from the girl in the other country when she asked him if my BF still loved her and that she will always love my BF!!! And he's supposed to be my good friend.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Too much snooping is NOT a good thing. You don't know the context.

A lot of men look at porn and it is just a physical release. As long as he is not letting your sex life suffer in the process, and, as long as it is not obsessive. Whether looking at porn is cheating or not is something people have differing opinions on. I personally don't think it is cheating because it is strictly fantasy. I also think that people have a mistaken notion that once you are a couple, privacy goes out the window and the partner deserves to know EVERYTHING. Everyone deserves privacy...everyone should be allowed to masturbate (looking at porn is typically for the purpose of self-servicing) without having to broadcast that fact to their partner...that is a personal and private matter.

 

You have acknowledged your issues and that is a good first step. The next step is to read books that will help you get clearer insights into yourself and also some counselling.

[thursday]

Watching porn in a relationship is a topic which can be endlessly discussed over!

It's a taboo when you're in a relationship, most partners (wether it be male or female) don't talk about it because somewhere they realise it might hurt the other person BUT on the other hand the person watching porn knows that it's nothing to be ashamed about for him or herself. Nobody should be taken away the right to masturbate lol. I'm not accusing you of anything.. but I'm very sure he's trying to be honest with you and I'm also sure he is trying to not watch it "too much" because he loves you, but he loves himself also and has the right to do it and those two things are in conflict with each other.. which leads him to lie about it obviously.

 

I had the same problem with my exgf.. although being much younger than the two of you. My ex was molested too when she was younger.. but as I said above it was still hard to find a balance. Mainly because I was underestimating how much she still suffered because of this..

 

I loved her with all my heart and I would've done anything to stay with her, but.. we both had our share of problems and one thing lead to another.. she broke up with me & I think the porn part played a pretty big role in it. I still regret the fact I was so narrowminded back then..

 

Meh! So, I'm just trying to tell you here that.. you are most likely worrying about nothing. Please just be honest and open towards him and ask him to be the same. Talk about it and then lock the topic up and throw the key away.

 

Good luck with everything!

[scarew]

Ihatejealousy,

 

I am sure by this point you realize the potential devestation you could be causing your relationship. Porn is what people do INSTEAD of cheating, so look at it as a good thing. When I caught my husband looking at porn, I laughed my head off. It was when we were first dating. He had some friends over and got pretty drunk. I was always kind of jealous of his older woman friend because she is in great shape and has huge fake breasts. But I was tired and went to bed. When I rolled over at 4 am and he wasn't in bed with me I got all wired up thinking that he went out to the bar with her somewhere or something. But when I came out into the living room he was passed out half naked on the couch with the computer open, unsuccessfully trying to download free porn.

 

I thought it was kind of cute actually. He was drunk and horny, which is a pretty natural normal thing. He didn't go out and seek other women, and he didn't wake me up and bug me for sex. He just tried downloading porn and fell asleep trying. I thought it was pretty funny.

 

Sweetie, you have GOT to take control of yourself. Jealousy is like anger, its like feeding a fire everytime you engage in that behavior. If you snoop, it will only FEED your jealousy. If you let yourself get jealous when he does something (like looks at porn), it will also feed it. Jealousy is ADDICTING! So my advice is to quit. Cold turkey. Next time you have an urge to get jealous, just distract yourself, and get OUT of that state of mind. Tell emotions, no thanks, I quit.

[IhateJealousy]

Thanks For All Of Your Advice!!! U Guys Are Amazing!!! Thanks Again!

[Nappy]

I can totally understand where you're coming from.

 

I was of the same thinking as you...And kinda still am.

 

Honestly, I would prefer that porn stays away from my relationship. My bf told me himself that if he watched porn it would make him feel less close to me - But he is also a different kind of guy. I think there are lots of guys that can keep a tight bond, love, and lust ('cause this is important too) towards their girl - But I think the porn would have to be kept to a minimum.

 

Though I prefer he didn't watch it...If my bf came to me and said, you know, I kinda want to watch it once in a while and I'll be open about it and let you know when I do so that you don't wonder if I do it too often....Well, I'd feel okay with it. Not okay, but not necessarily the way you are feeling now.

 

Believe me...I use to be of the same exact thinking as you...And still do have it.

 

But I think if you know you can trust someone - Trust that they will be honest with you once you open the line of communication on that front - Trust that it won't get out of hand because he won't let it - Then I think it's fine.

 

Wouldn't you rather him watch something than watch SOMEONE. All guys check others out - But perhaps getting that release at home in front of the screen would release any tension he might get from looking at girls on the street, at work, that he meets with you, etc.

 

I think most importantly you need to be true to how you feel about it. But if you dont' want him sneaking anything behind your back...I say keep the line of communication open and you too will feel better about it.

 

Maybe you two can even watch one together so you see what type he likes - Then use that in bed.

 

Just make sure you are comfortable with what is going on with you two.