I hate my father

[mydadisamoron]

My father is a moron and I hate him very much. For the past 15 years, he has been abusing my mom, my sisters, and myself.

 

When we were younger, he would physically abuse me and my sisters. Now that we are older, its all verbal abuse. My mom is often afraid of him.

 

I just hate him so much. I feel that my childhood has been ruined by this lunatic. I am filled with so much hate and brokenness because of what he has done to me.

 

Also, almost no one I would ever tell would believe that he is an abuser. He was a prominent figure in my church, and most people there believe he is a legendary godly man. If I were to tell anyone, I feel that they wouldn't believe me. The current pastor might believe me, because he has said himself he grew up in an abusive home. But it's still hard.

 

Because of the abuse, I have problems relating to women properly. Women who date me are so confused by why I am scared of being intimate with them. At first some just assume I am playing hard to get, but in the long term they realize there is something seriously wrong with me, which there is.

 

I just feel very broken at times.

[emma34]

I also grew up in an abusive home, and hated my father for years. I've since made up with him to an extent, enough that we can speak, but unfortunately my brother wasn't so lucky - like you, he hates our dad, and it has been haunting him for years.

 

Parents don't seem to realize the effect they have on their kids...but hate won't get you anywhere. How old are you? I guess that makes a difference. if your still living with him, which i assume you are - you might have to face a difficult challenge in facing him, but you don't have to live like this. You deserve much better than the treatment he is giving you. But again, hating him won't help anything, as good as that may feel. Tell your pastor if you feel comfortable with that, just tell somebody. The goal is always 'well, if he could see how much he hurt me, then he would stop' but i know growing up this really didn't work for me. For me, I reported my dad, and instead of accepting that his behavoir was wrong...he just resnted me more, so try to do it privately. Good luck to you

[Honey Pumpkin]

How old are you and what are the current situations? I mean, are you living at home, and do you see him? Is this a problem with how you live your life now, or is it a problem with him being around you and your family?

 

I'm trying to work out what would be the best way forward, whether it's dealing with the trauma of having such a horrible man in your family (through therapy/counselling), or whether you have practical issues (you're still living at home).

 

This is abusive, don't doubt that. And don't let his mistakes spoil your life. You can move on from this, and you can let his abusiveness end with him, but I think as you say from your post, it's not something which is going to be easy, because it has impacted on your relationships with women already. I think therapy is the way forward for you, so you can come to terms with this in a safe and confidential environment. It sounds like a terrible childhoo, I'm sorry.

[mydadisamoron]

I live with my father but I have told him I am moving out by the end of May.

 

My biggest fear is that even though I might be able to escape him, I won't escape the damage he has done to me. It seems that I can't relate to any girl in a normal fashion. Because of the abuse, I don't like being touched. I don't like anyone touching me, and I don't easily touch others. When ever a girl wants to hold hands with me or wants to kiss me, I feel really uncomfortable. Thats what I meant when I said I have intimacy problems with girls.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I come from an abusive home, and I had the same touch barriers that you have now. What helped me some was being in a situation with "touchy" people who I trusted not to hurt me - theater. I also gained a lot of confidence from performing. After a long time I started to get more comfortable with being touched casually - it's just learning that not every touch is going to bring pain.

 

For me, the damage has lasted. I still jump at loud noises, and I get scared easily. If someone makes a sudden movement or raises their hand, I'm frightened. But being in a loving situation with someone who understands my reactions is helping me slowly overcome them. I'm a lot closer to "normal" now than I was before I got out of the abusive situation. It takes time, but I believe that in the end you CAN overcome abuse.

[spinstermanquee]

mydadisamoron, my heart goes out to you...

 

Posting here was a good start. You need someone to talk to, to lean on. In addition to eNotAlone, help lines, counseling, a pastor or priest (you don't have to be a member of a congregation to go into a house of worship and talk to someone, that's what they are there for).

 

I can relate to your anger. Also that your other parent cannot intervene in the abuse. So you may have feelings about that too. Please get them out in the open. Sometimes sharing something painful can lessen the pain.

 

Once I had a boyfriend who had touch issues. He told me up front that he was wary and wanted to take his time. We spent months just talking, hanging out, eating together, going to the movies. We didn't even hold hands initially. I remember making an effort to always move slowly around him, no sudden movements - or he would flinch. It took a long time, but we started to hold hands and cuddle a little, and months later we became intimate. The best thing about him was, he was so open about his challenge that I respected him and loved him for it, and it made me WANT to be patient with him, and when he finally allowed himself to trust me completely / physically, I was in heaven.

 

So the point is, you might think you are damaged goods right now but you WILL survive and emerge from the other side, and you can have meaningful relationships even if you are "skittish." Best of luck and love to you, mfiam.

 

W