I feel bad for breaking up and not giving an explanation

[Matsch22]

I recently broke up with my gf after 5 years. We got into a fight over the phone, she cursed me out over something stupid and hung up on me. I dont know why this put me over the edge, but it did. Her last words " * * * * you * * * * *". We would have fights like this and not talk for a few days or maybe a week at most. We didn't try to contact each other for about 2 weeks. She then tried to call me a few times which I didn't answer. I didn't talk to her son either (which I feel bad about), but I felt thats the way I had to do it.

 

After 4 weeks of NC she texted me saying "My brother told me you brought a girl to his house, I want to know if you have a girlfriend and If your moving on with your life. I wish you would talk to me its been 4 1/2 years. I love you."

I didnt bring a girl over to his house and I dont have a new gf, I dont know why her brother would say that, or she is saying this to get me to talk to her. This was really hard for me to take, but I feel if I talked to her now I would just fall back into the realationship. Which has allways happened in the past...once she gets me on the phone and says "Im sorry and I love you so much" I usually forgive her no matter what happened in the past.

 

She also called my dad and sister saying this same story and saying she was hurt. To give you a little feel for what went thru. I don't think there was ever a month that went by that we didnt have a big fight. 3 months for a really big fight. She had a very bad temper and she would stay mad for days. Then suddenly she would be back to normal and be her sweet self and act as if nothing happened, buttering me with affection. It was like a mean and sweet cycle. It was so crazy she could be the nicest most affectionet person and treat me like I was a king and doing all kinds of sexual favors. Then she would snap and her temper would take over and nothing mattered, cursing and fighting with everone. Acting as if shes better than everyone else. Alcohol definetly fueled her fire. You could say she was trying to control me.

 

My way of dealing with it was to just walk away and let her or the both of us cool down if I was involved. She said "you allways walk out on me" but its either that or be cursed all night and try to reason with a brick wall. Most of the times she wouldnt let me leave and block the door, and I would have to listen to...how much of a piece of * * * * I am, and how im so lucky to have her and how she could find better and I dont do this or that. Sometimes it got violent and she would hit me, and I would have to explain where I got that cut on my head or scratch on my neck or why my shirt was ripped. Im not a violent person, but I would find myself doing things in self-defense and yelling at the top of my lungs. She would then tell me Im crazy. I could go on and on. There were just as many good times as there were bad, but back to my origional topic.

 

So its been over 2 months and still NC, Im really feeling depressed lately and have been dweling over her. I feel bad for not talking to her and not giving her an explanation. I feel like I'm the A-hole for not talking to her and not giving any closure. She left a voicemail about 2 weeks ago saying that she doesnt care if I have a girlfriend she still wants to be friends. I dont think I could be friends or even have contact. I feel I would still have feelings for her and she would want to get back together or she would try and make me jealous to get me back. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

 

This is my first long term realtionship. I felt like I was getting over her slowly, but I keep dweling on not talking to her when we broke up. Waking up in the morning is the worst and Im thinking about getting on medication if I dont get better. Should I write her a letter telling her I just need to move on and I dont have a new GF or should I just let it go with NC. I keep getting phone calls late at night every so often from a private number...which im sure is her, but Im afraid to answer. As many problems that we had I still have alot of love for her and I hope she doent think im an A-hole.

 

Thank you whoever reads this and letting me babble. It feels good to get some of this out.

 

Aaron.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Under normal circumstances I would say that breaking up without an explanation is cruel and cowardly....however.....these are not normal circumstances. Bottom line....you were in a classic abusive relationship and as far as I am concerned....you don't owe her an explanation because she was very abusive, manipulative and controlling. Think of it this way...by not contacting her, you are respecting and protecting yourself from her abuse. The problem is HER, not you. For your own sanity and healing, check out websites dealing with abusive relationships. By not contacting her, you are on the road to healing. If you contact her, you will go back into that cycle of abuse and violence. YOU OWE HER NOTHING. Let her wallow. She will just find another victim to be abusive to. Move on and find a woman who will cherish you. Don't believe the garbage this woman was spewing out. She is trash and you are well rid of her. Don't bother calling her, she doesn't deserve any explanations. What she is doing now is called grandstanding in order to get her victim back. Don't fall for it. Run the other way.

[Lava Rocks]

It's understandable that you'd want to leave this sort of bad relationship; however, my personal opinion is that it's wrong to just disappear with not so much as an explanation, especially after such a long relationship. She probably knows what she's done wrong, but for all she knows you're just angry with her and will come crawling back after a period of "cool off" time. Regardless of how bad this relationship was, I feel it's only fair to her to offer her an explanation that you want out if not why you want out. Stick to your guns about why you left, and have a short chat with her - if she begs, pleads or even calls you names and hisses, just remind yourself that you'll be happier without her and knowing that at least you did the right thing.

It may actually make things easier in the long run for you to move on free of the guilt that's holding you back. If you tell her that you would prefer not to speak to her anymore, you won't have to worry about the phone calls/texts.

[anggrace]

I think you should tell her why you left if she has been asking. If she hasn't been asking, she probably knows. If she has been asking, I thing it would do her good to know. She needs to know how destructive her mood swings were to your relationship so that she can prevent the same thing from happening in future relationships (if she chooses to).

I also think that you should tell her to stop trying to contact you- if you really want to get over her. Otherwise, you will most likely continue to struggle with this. If she continues to call, mabey you should change your number. Extreme, I know, but its worth your sanity.

[sweetharmony]

I agree with anngrace and lava rocks. While breakups should happen in person, you were justified in this case. She was clearly abusive and you should not have to experience whatever the reprecussions may be. However, if you really do not want to talk to her over the phone, I think maybe you should write her an e-mail like the one you wrote here explaining why you broke up and tell her politely that you will not contact her because you need to move on and heal. Hopefully, in a nice letter where you explain your side, she will see how abusive she is and hopefully get help for herself. I think writing the letter will be cathartic for you. Good luck.

[Dako]

No matter how rotten an ex is, I think they deserve an explanation, if only to reassure you that you've taken the high road.

[Matsch22]

Thanks for reading the post. I might feel better if I write her a letter, but im afraid that she will respond with something to get the final word. Something to make me jealous or hurt me in some way. I could see her doing this. I dont talk to her son because I dont want to know whats going on, I dont want to know if shes dating or having guys over. I dont like to think about it. I got rid of my voicemail, text messages, and I dont answer private calls or unknown numbers. I'm torn weather I should write or not, its been 2 months. It might make it easier if I were to ever see her again, maybe I wouldnt feel so bad. I dunno.

[Lava Rocks]

Thanks for reading the post. I might feel better if I write her a letter, but im afraid that she will respond with something to get the final word. Something to make me jealous or hurt me in some way. I could see her doing this. I dont talk to her son because I dont want to know whats going on, I dont want to know if shes dating or having guys over. I dont like to think about it. I got rid of my voicemail, text messages, and I dont answer private calls or unknown numbers. I'm torn weather I should write or not, its been 2 months. It might make it easier if I were to ever see her again, maybe I wouldnt feel so bad. I dunno.

Delete any correspondence she send afterwards. Once you make it known that you are going no contact, you have no need to continue taking her emails or calls. I understand what you mean about not wanting to know, it's why I don't visit any bars I know my ex will be at and don't look at his Myspace page.

[Matsch22]

Im the same way. I havent gone to any bars in town in fear of seeing her. The only thing is she doesnt have internet and I would have to write her a letter and find out her address or drop it off in her mailbox at like 4 in the morning. I havent drove by her house since breaking up.