TOO much diatance?

[lolobolo]

Visited him for a month in dec/jan - all was good. he is a 23hr plane journey away.

We have been on and off for last 8 yrs.

 

Now ~I am waiting for visas etc. I know it has only been 2 months since I made the decision to move to be with him.

 

I had a freak out on the phone the other day, like I can't wait any more, I would rather not do this blah blah ....

I have two kids and this waiting and uncertainty is causing all sorts of ructions.

 

I love this man more than life itself but I'm not sure if it's going to move at the right pace.

 

Now he doesnt pick up the phone, a sure ign of headwreckedness.

 

Any advice would be appreciated

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Well my first instinct is to tell you that if you are feeling any doubts whatsoever, that moving 23 hours away to a new country and uprooting your two children's lives to do so with a man who has been 'on and off' with you for the past 8 years....you should not go.

 

It's a huge risk, and if you are not 100% sure, and this has been unstable (the on and off thing is a red flag to me) I wouldn't go.

 

Are you sure you want to do this? It's not like you can just jump in your car and come back home if things don't work out, plus you have your children to think about.

[Hope75]

Wait a minute....

 

 

Wondering about my sanity.

Have been having a relationship for 4 or so years.

The man is not a nice man. He has many different faces to the one that I am in love with.

We have had verbal and physical abuse running through our relationship virtually since the offset, and have both played it down.

He cannot cope with intimacy, and will throw a destructive tantrum when he accidently lets himself go that little bit.

 

he ended up physically attacking me in front of everybody who were by this point sleeping., i couldn't leave as it was the middle of nowhere and nighttime, and he kept being aggressive until i eventually fell asleep. to be woken at the crack of dawn and given my marching orders.

I am bruised and realise that this cannot go on any longer, as that was the worst ever fall-out. i now think everybody present that night must think i am insane, and am too embarressed to even think about seeing them again.

 

 

Is this the same guy?

 

He's been physically and verbally abusive to you?

 

And you are going to move 23 hours plane right and take two children to live with him?

 

I certainly hope this is not the same guy- but since in that post you say you've been dating on and off for 4 years- it sounds like it might be home.

 

I think it would be a huge mistake to move if that is indeed the same guy.

[askauntamy]

I concur with Hope. If you have doubts about moving that far, especially with children, don't do it.

[Mun]

I'm also waiting for the confirmation that this is the same man.

 

I hope not.

[Hope75]

lolo,

 

Is it the same guy?

 

I've noticed that you did not reply, so my fear is that it probably is the same guy and that you are embarrassed by the fact that you are going to move to be with him, and to risk your and the children's safety to do so.

 

I hope you will come back and update us- it sounds like you could really use some support in making the right decision.

[lolobolo]

No-Hope- thankfully this is not the same guy. The one far away is the nicest sweetest guy I have ever known. I won't be able to go unless I am sure as the time it takes to sort out all the paperwork is huge(plenty of time to think)

I have nothing left here, my kids loved it out there, and it seems like a good time to try and build a new life, my kids are 13 and 10 and I have always made them no1, I feel like I need to go get my guy (who i have put off time and again over the course). I'm thinking even if it didnt go the distance this new place would be great for a new start for me and the kids.

 

And yes it is amazing that when you finally beat the demon , the god is staring you in the face.

thank you for all your support ,in the past and present.

[monkey1]

how come this relationship has been on and off?

[Hope75]

how come this relationship has been on and off?

 

If I had a guess it's because he's been abusive to her and she mentioned in the previous thread that I linked above that she was going to leave him.

 

My hope is that common sense has taken over and she is considering doing the same again, if this is indeed the same guy.

[sophie274]

Ok, well if it's not the same guy:

 

I would only move there if you would happy to live there, single, with your kids. If you were planning to move back if the relationship did not work out, then no, not a good idea in my book. I moved quite a bit with my parents when I was young, and it's always an uprooting. Always many nights of crying and having trouble making friends before I got settled in.

 

If you want to move there, I would recommend first buying or renting your own place with your kids, dating this guy for a while longer (a year or so) in a more normal relationship setting, and then deciding where you want to go with the relationship from there.

[Mun]

Wonder her why he isn't moving to be with you? and I don't think it would be a good idea to uproot your family to move closer to someone who has been off and on for 8 years. You have a choice in this matter but your children don't, do you really want to upset their lives for someone that is not very consistent?

 

Maybe if there was a wedding date set or some kind of deep committment this would be a good idea. Please think about it. You will be isolating yourself from your friends and family and that can be a dangerous thing too. better safe than sorry.

 

You have a level head on your shoulders or you would have left already and not be asking our advice. Use that common sense you clearly have and think this through please.

[lolobolo]

thank you, previous poster. well, we got engaged at xmas, and he is in that country because he has a business and can't simply move back. I couldn't support him the way he can me.

~I accept this part of the relationship and am quite looking ofrward to the new change.

 

I am feeling insecure on and off as it i a hugeeeee thing . I have been mostly single for the last 13 yrs, except for the odd fling , bad relationship(see previous and this guy.

 

I dont doubt him, I am just so stuck in myelf at times i feel i will scare him away, yes it is a huge ove, but one i am willing

 

thank you all for your helpxxx

[Hope75]

Hi lolo,

 

I'm curious why you completely avoided my question of is this the same guy that you posted about before?

[Mun]

Why has your relationship been off and on for so long? What was the problem there?

 

So is he picking up the phone now?

[nini2000]

It's not the same guy

[Hope75]

Oh wow,

 

I totally missed that!

 

I'm so glad it's not the same guy. When you mentioned on and off for 8 years, and your last posts were last year and you said there that you were with that guy for 4 years- I thought it was the same one.

[lolobolo]

Easy mistake to make Hope,

Nope flea bag was firmly put to rest many months ago. this other guy is a man i have known for 8 or 9 years, and we were on and off for a while years ago. we have always maintained friendship, and i guess he was waiting for me to get myself sorted...

My feelings have intensified towards him since visiting in january and we got engaged.

 

Now I am on a rollercoaster of doubt and hope coming in waves.

He is coming for a visit on friday and i am crapping myself- periods of distance are very trying for any relationship.

 

the move is a big move , but one i think will be worth it.

 

How do i make sure we part happy after his week visit, without going all insecure and needy.

[Lyndee]

I think there will always be that sense of insecurity and "need"..... I am completely faithful to my girl who is 17 hours flight away from me but she still has that "sense" of losing me to another (more local) person... It is not the case and it's plainly call......... TRUST!

 

I trust her....... she trusts me..... but it's in our nature to feel those feelings. You're engaged..... that should be enough for you to put your mind at ease.