Marriage

[ealmdm]

Ok ... so, my fiance and I have been together for five years now, and we love each other very much. We have had our share of problems, and we have worked through them. It took a lot of talking and even a few counseling sessions ... five to be exact ... but we understand each other much better now than we did before. All of that is really beside the point, though.

What I really want to know is this; why does his family have such a big problem accepting that we love each other and that we are going to get married soon? I understand that we are young and that most people our ages aren't ready for a committment of this magnitude, but we are both intelligent and determined people.

Why does age seem to make this big of a difference in people's opinions of whether or not we will make it? 90% of the time, when people hear our ages and that we are getting married, the response is negative ... so, what I really want to know is what all of you think about a couple getting married when they are 21 and 23 ...

[sophie274]

Have you two been to college? Do you two have jobs?

 

The answers to those questions would probably affect my feelings about it, if I were a family member. The perception of "why" you two were getting married, and whether those were the right reasons would influence my opinion too. It would probably also depend on how much I liked you!

 

Yes, your ages are quite young compared with the average. As I said above, I believe your stage in life is also important - I would feel differently if you were still in college than if you had graduated and had a job.

 

Perhaps most of the people reacting are just a bit scared, if they are around your age. Like "wow, I'm not ready for that". If you're not asking for their opinion, it's a bit rude of them to speak up, but again, they may just feel a bit overwhelmed. Someone in my class at college (sophomore) got married this year - you could have knocked me over with a feather! It is also true (I believe) that couples that marry young divorce at higher rates, so their skepticism could come from that.

 

Do you think they might have a good reason to disapprove of your union (your fiance's personality, for ex)?

 

EDIT: I just read your other thread. Since you sound so unsure as to whether to marry, it seems possible others are picking up on that, and telling you it's not such a great idea. Just a thought.

[ealmdm]

yah, maybe ... I guess it was pretty obvious that we were fighting a lot ... We've been doing much better, and we have both decided that no matter how much we fight, we aren't leaving each other.

It's like on the wedding date ... "I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else"

Yes, he has finished college ... I opted for a certification ... less school

I do, however, want to go to business school, but it makes more sense to get married to save money while I'm doing this than to wait. I just wonder why people's opinions in general tend to be very negative as far as people in their early 20's getting married ...

[sophie274]

I hope you two get things all sorted out before the marriage.

 

As to the general case:

 

I am educated (will be once I graduate ha ha!) and ambitious, but I actually don't particularly have issue with people marrying young. If I am still dating my boyfriend when I graduate I could imagine marrying him within a few years, so around 23-24. Not that old in my book.

 

What makes me cringe is when people marry who have not graduated yet. I don't think it makes sense. (I am talking about your run of the mill 18-22 year olds, not older people who go back to college).

 

Most people would say that financial and stability should come before marriage - that tends to come more in the mid-late twenties and early thirties.

 

A lot of people also think that we change a lot in our twenties, so it is best to keep the marriage for after that major change has occurred. I personally think this might be a bit too simplified.

 

The only hard and fast rule seems to be: when in doubt, wait. And I think people are more ready to take the plunge when they are older, for various reasons.

[Cyberchick]

A good friend of mine met her husband when she was 17. I believe he was about 23 at the time ( which I guess is maybe a little icky, but that's beside the point and is just my opinion ). Anyways, they got married when she was 21 and they are still happily married 5 years later. They are expecting their first child in August. Anyways, she got the same reaction the OP got from his family. A friend of mine at work met her husband when they were 13. She's 30 now. I'm not sure what age they got married at though, but the whole thing is very rare.

 

It's not that it can't work, getting married at 21. I guess it's just good to be aware of the fact that people do change alot in their 20s and that may or may not have an impact on your relatiosnship. But since you went to counselling for relationship problems in the past, that says to me that you are committed to this relationship and you are not afraid to ask for guidance when you need it, and those are key essentials to any kind of relationship.

 

Good luck. I hope you and your bf have a wonderful life together.