My husband says he needs more intimacy- we are roomate

[Kerrikaye]

My husband recently told me that he feels he needs more intimacy. He feels that for the past six months or so he feels as if we are roomates not married. I have to admit with working full time and going to college full time that I often do not give him the attention he needs. I feel bad now and am fearful that the marriage will be over. What can I do ? I have given him a list of things I need to work on in the marriage and that I want to change because I love him dearly. He states he doesn't want to hurt me but that now he has lost that spark and that he can't say he loves me now. Just four days ago he did. I look back and many times- more than I can count he asked to cuddle or spend time togther and I was to busy. Also he snores so I often can't sleep with him I stay in the spare bedroom. Yes I know this is bad. And sex- I feel like he hasn't been giving me enough intimacy either so our sex life has been next to none the past six months or longre. He states he doesn't want to be in a marriage that feels like a roomate situation. I understand this and don't think I was happy either with the way things were- I know I wasn't. I just am afraid that he will give up. I have suggested marriage counseling and he says we will talk about it. I am fearing that talk. The way I found out how he felt was I knew something was up when he was gone on business so I asked him. He states he doesn't want to hurt me and cares about me greatly, but why can't he say I love you anymore. That hurts the most. He says he wants to talk and give me a chance to change but that he fears I will start ignoring him again or just that we will fall back into a rut like before. I am willing to try though because I now we had and still have something worth saving. We don't yell or scream and can talk ok with each other. I told him I didn't know that me not spending time or showing intimacy had such an effect on him- he thinks I should have seen it. He says he wants to give me a chance and not kick me out or get a divorce but that if things don't change that he will get intimacy elsewhere. What can I do besides what I am already doing? I made a list of things I thought were missing in the relationshiop and wanted to change- not just him but both of us wanted these things. And appoligized for not being there when he needed me and that I would not rush to mention divorce like in the past when things got rocky.

[real amour]

Hello. You must take the time out NOW. The bad signs are there NOW. People wait too late to fix stuff and then you can`t. It isn't so bad you do not have kids I gather and you are busy because of constructive stuff. He needs you NOW. Don`t knock it, maybe you are missing stuff too and you don`t want to face intimacy for some reason. Have a first date, no agendas, no classes, nothing in your head besides mindless fun, get drunk, act like you are eloping! Capisco?

[BERTO]

FIRST OFF IF YOU TRULY LOVE THIS HUSBAND OF YOURS THEN YOU HAVE TO SATISFY HIM. I'M NOT SAYING THIS JUST COME I'M A GUY BECAUSE IF I WAS SENDING THIS TO A MALE I WOULD SAY THE SAME THING. IF YOUR BETWEEN THIS RANGE IN AGE 18-45 YOU SHOULD BE HAVING THE SEX OF YOUR LIFE. ARE YOU SURE THAT YOUR NOT HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THE MARRIAGE? MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED. YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW IT BUT IT MAY BE LINGERING IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND. SEX SHOULD NOT BE SCHEDULED. IT SHOULD BE A BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE EVERY TIME YOU DO IT. AND IT ALWAYS HAS TO INVOLVE PASSION IF THAT HAS FADED WELL MY FRIEND CALL IT QUITS BEFORE YOU REALIZE YEARS DOWN THE LINE THAT YOU WASTED YOUR LIFE AWAY ON A LOVE THAT NEVER EXISTED BUT ON THE CONTRARY IF YOU SINCERELY LOVE YOUR HUSBAND THEN BEGIN TO FIND THINGS TO SOICE UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP. BE SPONTANEOUS. BE WILD. YOUR NATURALLY BORN SEXY JUST BY BEING THIS WONDERFUL THING THAT GOD CALLS WOMAN. WORK OFF THAT.

[BlueEyedBoy]

Hi kerri.

 

I’m afraid this is all a bit new to me so I really don’t know how good I am at giving advise.

 

You said that in the past you have mentioned divorce when things got rocky? What happened? how long have you been married?

 

I get the impression from reading your post that your husband feels he is no longer able to tell you he loves you because there is no intimacy in your relationship and that if you don’t give him the attention he needs he will start to look elsewhere for it?

 

The way I see it, there is more to a relationship than sex, there is more to love than sex.

Sexual attention is not a necessity but a desire and at no point should a woman or man feel as though they are obliged to satisfy their partner.

 

If you have not had the time or have not felt in the mood to fulfil your partner in the way that he obviously thinks is required then this certainly isn’t something you should feel guilty about.

 

In my opinion if your partner feels that the romance in your lives is dying then there is no reason why he shouldn’t be the one to do something about it. Surprising you with a candlelit dinner or some sexy lingerie perhaps.

But making threats?? im sorry but that’s just bullying and shouldn’t provide any incentive to be intimate with him.

 

I’m sorry to have to say this because I know its not what you want to her but if it was me, I would be seriously questioning wether or not I wanted to be with this person at all.

[Kerrikaye]

I have to say that yes I am missing not having the intimacy to. Sex, hand holding, cuddling. When we got together and even after we were married he used to be a total romantic, now it's like he doesn't have to "win" or try anymore because the ring is on my finger and the papers signed. My husband travels around 5-6 days a month with his work and yes that does put a strain on the relationship. Also he is chained to his cell phone all day long. I mean by this that he takes phone calls when we are out to eat, on vacation, etc. His job requires this but I still feel like I am fighting for his attention sometimes. I have been with him for three years- married for over a year now. No kids just furry kids. I work at a homeless shelter for youth (13-20 yr olds)as a caseworker/ fill in supervisor a high stress job. and when I get off work I need time to destress which my husband doesn't understand that I often have to discharge youth when they don't follow their case plans knowing they are on the streets. He things they should get what they deserve- that they don't always deserve second chances. more than often the kids are the way they are because of the way they were raised. So after work I need an hour to myself and of course I have told him this but he still feels he needs attention around that time. I have youth and parents wanting my attention and time all day so I need a break. So far since the dreaded phone call of what he wasn't happy about we have been civil to each other and I have spent time giving him hugs and just being around, etc. I guess time will tell. I have to agree that it shouldn't be one sided though because marriage is a team effort and he is not perfect either. He has his faults. And we have discussed now in writing what we both want to change with each other so hopefully we can get over this bump in the road and be stronger as a couple in the end. Thanks for the advice.

[BlueEyedBoy]

If you want to inject some passion back into your relationship be sure to tell him what it is that you want, perhaps give him some pointers in the right direction.

It shouldnt be entirely down to you tomake things work, remember it takes two!!

 

hope everything works out for you.

[Kerrikaye]

Thanks for the advice. I did make a list for him of what I thought were things I needed to change and that I saw were missing in the relationship after we got married. Don't get me wrong I flat out asked if he wanted me out and he said no. He called to say I don't want to hurt you on the phone and that he has been under major stress at work which I can see. I think me spending lots of time with him and showing physical and verbal affection towards him makes him feel better about himself and relives stress he has. My husband also I think has low self esteem because he is oevrweight- he is around 300 or so pounds but yet I find him attractive but I guess not showing this to him makes his self esteem less.

 

I plan on continuing to spend time with him- I feel better already by increasing time spent togther and showing nonverbal signs of affection. He says that I say I love him but don't show it. That to him they are just words. And that this is what led to the spark in our marriage diminishing.

 

I am going to show him what I am missing and give him also what he is-because we both want the same thing more cuddling, more time together, more sex, just more time showing each other what we mean to each other. I am willing to also do counseling, start going to church, etc. So if for some reason he does decide to end it that I know I will have given it my all. I have told him that I am not going to quit and just walk away that there is something here worth saving. And I intend to give it my 100%.

 

Men out there what are the number one things that you want besides sex from a woman in order to feel loved and cared for?

[Ccian]

Why not try that book light his fire. It may help make him feel special. I got the light her fire book because my now ex told me i did not make her feel special. We are currently working on fixing our relationship, and today i sent her an email romantic letter. She responded very positively, i have heard nothing but positive things about the series of books.

 

good luck

[Kerrikaye]

I am soooo confused. I go out of my way to spend time with him- show that I am thinking of him but it still feels as if he is not always happy. I am not overdoing it just saying hi. But he is smiling at me and telling me where he is going, etc. just isn't as affectionate as before. I think maybe he is scared that I am still upset about him telling me he wanted more attention or he would have to leave the relationship eventually. I don't know. I love him dearly but ever since he says he cares for me but can't say he loves me now I have stopped saying it to. It feels weird. At times I want to just give up- I hate the butterflies in my stomache wondering what the outcome will be. I know I need to stay positive but I didn't see this coming when the signs were there. He mentioned numerous times he was feeling left out, and wanted to cuddle, etc. Last night after he told me what he wanted I told him I needed time to think and regroup so I slept in the spare room. Tonight I am moving back in the bedroom. What should I do if he gives me the cold shoulder? I know he cares about me he says so but just four days ago he went out of his way to say he loved me and now doesn't at all. That really hurts more than anything else. I just am wondering if it is worth working on or if I am being to positive about what the outcomes are going to be. I know he believes marriage is serious and a lifetime thing- or at least he did. And he has said I am not saying for you to leave. I am making him dinner tonight and have asked what he wants to do- we are going to just sit at home and watch a movie which we used to do alot of. Part of me says to blow him off and let him come to me but than that is the problem I wasn't giving him enough of my time before. Please help...........

[BlueEyedBoy]

perhaps a wake up call is what he needs?

 

 

If you've tried giving it your all and still he seems dissatisfied he isnt taking the time to stop and see how lucky he really is.

 

Maybe you could try dishing up a bit of the cold shoulder treatment yourself, it would be hard but a bit of space could be what he needs to realise what he has right in front of him but is blind to see.

 

I still believe it shouldnt be entirely down to you to make all the effort.

[Kerrikaye]

The latest is my husband has taken off his wedding ring. He says he will let me know if he wants to try marriage counseling. He says I mean the world to him but for the past six months I was unable to give him the imtimacy he neeeded so he is angry, and feels he has lost the love he had for me and doesn;t know if he can get that back or not. I love him dearl and don't want to lose him. He says I am not saying I want you out. What does that mean? But yet he can't really touch or be close physically with me because he says it is not fair until he knows he wants to try again. He just doesn't want to make promises he can't keep. But if he is not saying divorce or hey get out or lets get your own place isn't there reason to have hope yet? I am so depressed over this. I feel like my life is going to end. But yet I know I can make it on my own. I told him I don't want to let go that I miss the intimacy we had six mths ago and he said well why didn't you say something or want to talk when he brought up he wanted more. All I can say is I feel I don't deserve someone when things get good I have the tendency to mess them up. I ws sexually abused for two yrs when I was 8 or 9 so I know this has to have something to do with why I feel this. How do I get him back. What can I do. I don't want to lose him. We have been togther for over three years and just the past six months he has been in pain and hurt. Shouldn't that be reason to give it a second chance. Or should I just realize it is over and quit. Please help...............