bear12 Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 it had been three weeks of NC. i can't say i was feeling good but i wasn't feeling terrible and then for the last two days i couldn't stop thinking about him, couldn't get him out of my mind.. and i had heard that he had emailed one of my good friends to see how i was doing (b/c last we talked i wasn't doing too well emotionally) but she didn't want to get involved, and so yeah, i don't know... the pressure just got to be too much. so i just sent him a quick email to say hi and say i was doing well and ask how he was doing (with the intetion of then going NC for a decent period of time again...) so, anyway, he emailed back fairly quckly saying "i don't think enough time has passed for us to be talking again." (with a smiley face) but then asked a question, i responded, saying that i didn't intend for us to start talking on a regular basis but that i just wanted him to know i was doing well. and then he responded asking if he could call once he was off of work (all these emails were in the course of just a few minutes). i stupidly said yes and when he called we had such a lovely phone conversation. we didn't talk about our relationship at all, just random fun things- it really did feel like old times (since we had a ldr for the last 6 months of our relationship and primarily interacted on the phone...) when we last spoke i knew he was dating someone else now, but i didn't ask about her and he didn't bring her up. i tried to keep it short but every time i said, "well i should go" he'd ask another question to keep the conversation going.. so it dragged on much longer than i expected -for 45 min, with me finally ending it... anyway, that was it. a really nice conversation- and i don't think we'll start speaking regularly- the thing is that i don't really feel any worse than before- but i also don't feel any better. we get along so well, it's just so frustrating to me that we can't be together. i know talking to him wasn't a good thing, and i certainly don't intend to read anything into his prolonging the phone conversation, but i just... well, i don't know, it just reinforced how much i still love him and i know i shouldn't have done it, and maybe it'll end up setting me back in my recovery in the long run, but i just- i don't know..... anyway, i guess i don't need advice b/c the damage is already done, but i guess i just want some support. thanks. Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Don't beat yourself up too badly. We love, we do things, what are we to do about that? Lobotomize ourselves because we feel the way we do? Nah, we continue on. Make some mistakes and learn some more. It's what life is about. You're fine Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Oh, a hug and a kiss on the forehead too Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Hey bear12- Look, you're not "weak" by "breaking NC". I don't think that is the right way to look at this situation. The pressure got to be too much for you and you sought to relieve it. There's no shame in that. You made some distance, took some time away, and you were testing the waters to see where things stand with you guys and your feelings. There's no shame in that at all. Now you have a firsthand perspective on what getting back into his life at this point will be like that you could get no other way. It sounds like you would like to get back together with him. You still love him, and as such a true friendship is not possible right now given such strong feelings. What happened between you guys? Any chance you could address the issues which caused the split? You guys had a good conversation and I think his relationship with this new woman is likely a rebound. It's only been 3 weeks since you guys split up and he told you he wasn't ready to talk to you yet. He's healing too and I bet he is thinking about you and the conversation right now as well... At any rate, the conversation gave you a basis for dealing with your grief alone or deciding to make future contacts and deciding on future action based on such. In this sense, contacting him that one time was not bad at all... Link to comment
bear12 Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 thanks for the thoughtful responses. well, actually we broke up mid dec, but just started NC three weeks ago b/c trying to stay in contact was too hard on us.. the time between the breakup and the NC was really dysfunctional in the sense that we'd often tell each other how much we missed each other, that we loved each other, we saw each other, etc, etc. i implemented NC when i found out he was dating someone new and it was just too much for me... he broke up with me.. why is a good question! basically, we're in diff cities this year and last fall he got a job in an even diff. city for the following year(they're both one year positions we had only been together for about 7 months before we started long distance..(we made it for six more months with the diff..) but once he got the 2nd job, the thought of doing distance for another total of 18 months was just too much for him. he kind of gave me the "i miss you too much and i think it would be easier for us to be with other people" speech (or maybe that's not a speech- it's probably not a very common excuse. ha!) but he's been SO mixed in his signals. he's said things like "i've never been happier with anyone in my life" and "it would break my heart if i saw you with someone else someday" maybe i'm just fooling myself in thinking "he loved me too much that it was so painful for him to be away" but that's honestly the impression i got from him... neither of us believe there is only "one" person in the world for you, so i guess he thought he'd just take his chances and hope to fine another one instead of spending 18 months missing me.. i'm absolutely certain that if we had stayed in the same city we'd still be together, but that's not going to happen for a while and i know i can't keep holding on to hope for that long- esp. when he's likely to meet someone else he really loves in the meantime. anyway, that's the back story.. not that you necessarily wanted it all! Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Hi bear- No, the backstory was very helpful in my understanding of your situation. Thank you for sharing. Well, from what you've written, it sounds like the "mixed signals" have become the familiar pattern here. The ambiguity and wide rage of emotions from such are the bases for the proverbial emotional roller coaster ride. Look, you tried to be in each other's lives and it was too much for you. There's no shame in that. It is what it is. Some people throw their lives to the wind in the name of "sticking it out" and keep going like this which in my opinion is completely ridiculous and nonsensical. You didn't do that. You made some distance, gave it some time, tested the waters again and they weren't the right temperature yet. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in getting an answer to that question. From here, I'd say keep staying away. You were doing good on this path and you will continue to do so. I don't see any other sensible way to handle this one. Of course, from the tone of your posts here, I think you are going to do this anyway... Link to comment
bear12 Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 thanks, frisco.. i really do appreciate it. and i think your comments/advice are very right on. i also have to say i'm kind of annoyed that in the "real world" i can't seem to find any nice, sensitive men and on this forum they seem to be everywhere!!! ugh!!! Link to comment
Boughs Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 even the sensitive men have a dark side. I'd consider myself a sensitive respectful guy... but there are definitely times when I am "a guy" and do really really really really bad things to people. Just happens when you do something unintentionally. Link to comment
beebee Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 i personally think its lovely that he cares about your well-being... at least hes man enough to ask how your doing and goes the distance to ask... it makes the time that you had together worth it and not a total waste... ive always said "a man is judged not by his entrance, but by his exit" and your ex is proving that he has a good heart... God bless... beebee Link to comment
StillClimbing Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Bear- First, you sound like you aren't falling apat over this, so that is great! Don't beat yoursellf up for having a glimmer of hope. But you should remind yourself that you are not living in a hollywood romantic comedy... Truthfully you don't know if you would still be together for sure if he were in town. You just don't. Given his 6 mos away, even if he did come back to you instead of taking the new job away, you don't really know what changed in his brain during that time. He could have declined the second job if he really missed you that much...he chose to pursue that route instead. You guys just did not work out, and I dont think it's good of him right now to string you along with mixed messages (email tag, asking about you, etc...). It's good that he cares, means he is a nice person, but you just cant be friends this soon if the love was that strong. Just be careful of your own feelings. Don't be misled. Best wishes. Link to comment
bear12 Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 thanks, stillclimbing, i know you're right. i really am trying not to read anything into it, b/c that's what i did immediately after the break up and it just ended up hurting even more in the end. he emailed me again this morning saying, "i really enjoyed talking to you. it's sad that we probably shouldn't do it more, it's difficult not to, and i miss you." i know he probably just means that he misses me as a person since we spent so much time together and are now cut out of each other's lives (and not as in "i miss you, i want you back" because, well, if that's what he meant, that's what he would have said!) but i don't know, i think i'd actually prefer for him to be a complete jerk to me, b/c all this being nice stuff is just making me miss him like crazy and feel like i'll never find another guy who's this sweet and understanding... i feel like there just aren't that many out there... (are there??!!!) Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 he emailed me again this morning saying, "i really enjoyed talking to you. it's sad that we probably shouldn't do it more, it's difficult not to, and i miss you." The trend of mixed messages continues and will do so! Reading an email like this is very tough. It is almost enticing you to write to him, almost asking for a response, through expression of his somewhat open-to-interpretation and ambiguous feelings of missing you coupled with opposite feelings of sadness for not talking to each other. He's coming at this from both ways, with positive and negative feelings like this. Very effective at shaking things up. But remember, he is saying this to you while he has a girlfriend! I wonder what messages he is sending her? And will send the next woman? And the next? I bet he isn't sharing these emails with his new girlfriend, or likely even talking about this situation with her in detail if at all. So in this sense, if you look deeper into this, he isn't being fair to her and is being a jerk! Look, he was trying to make distance with this before. I would let this be and continue on your path towards more indifferent and more solid emotional places before getting in touch with him again. I really feel it is time to let this one go for a while. Don't get sucked back onto the roller coaster here. Link to comment
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