She loves me, isn't in love with me...

[bacci]

Hey Ryan,

I can see this is a very difficult and painful time, and curiously there will be strange moments of exhilaration. Your last post tells me you will be well nd you'll navigate this storm safely.

It seems like your wife feels that this is the next step for her and nothing you can do NOW will stop her from proceeding. I suggest that you focus on yourself and in taking care of your daughter, she is going to be the main motivation for you to be strong, to heal, you realize how much she needs you.

This is very hard to do, easy for me to say, please let your wife do what she feels she needs to do AND work on your separation agreement with a good lawyer, do not let the grief cloud your judgement. please do project yourself into the future, make sure you make provision that cover different outcomes. enough legal warning, but do not ignore it, its very real.

On a different more human level, do use this self-time wisely, invest in yourself. Many things could change for you and your wife in the future but I am afraid nothing will change right now, you're probably in for a long ride and resisting is going to be highly counterproductive. Keep coming here as you need but also do other things, play with your kid, take up a new class or hobby, reconnect with friends, read some books, I'm sure you will be fine but this is going to be a little rough,

From what i've read, your wife still has some loving feelings for you but she also is pretty sure she needs to do this and she will do it, because now she comes first, you need to mimic this thinking and put yourself first, later, in a year things might be different, but nothing will get resolved in the next few months, except for the legal stuff, don't let that stuff catch you unprepared, she has had months preparing, that alone gives her an advantage.

I don't know if this is definitely over between you, but I know there is no use to think about that for the moment, so let go for now, concentrate on your child and yourself, and wait to see how things unfold.

It does get better,

al the best to you.

[Lsdaddy]

Thank you so much bacci...That is EXACTLY what I'm doing. Looking out for myself and my daughter. I went out with some great friends last night, met a very cute girl and just talked. It was nice to just talk to somebody again and not worrying about walking on eggshells like I have been recently with my wife. She is very interested in me but I'm just not sure what I'm ready for. She understands that and is fine with me taking my time.

 

What a good feeling to know that others are still interested...I guess I kind of view me as damaged goods right now but others don't see it that way. I have a new self-confidence after my "epiphany" on Monday night. I feel that there is an end to this in sight and although I do still care for my wife, I no longer worry about the stuff I can't control. I'm buying a home this month and am going to put a lot of energy and attention into that. My daughter, ultimately, has and will be my saving grace through all of this. She is my life and as long as I have her with me, everything will always be OK.

 

Thank you again for all of the advice and kind words. It is great to know that it does get better (and is getting better each day) and that there are others that know what we are going through. I wish all of you the best and will still frequent here because of the great service it does for all of us who need healing and support!!!

[Next Action Hero]

From what you've presented here, I can see that your wife has never planned to be with you indefinitely. By keeping finances separate, she has pointed to one of two agendas: She has no intention of carrying you or helping you even though she makes twice your income, or, option two, she wanted things separate so that the inevitable breakup wouldn't be as difficult. Either one sounds like a woman who loves herself more than anyone. I would bet the new, more expensive house purchase was initiated and pursued by your wife and not you.

 

The only issue I see here is that your child needs both parents. A divorce or separate lives can never be completely separate with a baby involved. Your wife needs to accept that she is not only someone's wife but also someone's mother, and that means responsibilities and considerations beyond her own selfish desires. She seems to have been planning for "something better" the whole time, and she was biding her time with you. Was there any talk of not wanting children before you had your baby?

 

The sad truth about relationships is that they don't all last the same amount of time. Your wife is an attorney, and she needs to learn to leave her ruthless competitive BS at work. You are not the one who needs to change here, so don't say, "I needed to change, and I have." That's a great way to lose your identity for a marriage.

 

It's the fear of losing your spouse that is driving your actions now. If you can get to a point of accepting the possible loss, then you can face her as a man and lay down the law as it should be. You've been in the marriage, but she hasn't. If it's going to work, she needs to get into it and realize it's about the two of you, not just her.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but I had a similar situation, and in the end anything I did was useless. You can't change a person's feelings outside of your own.

[Mrsympathy]

Ls your situation sounds alot like mine and all you can do is take responsibility for the few mistakes you might have made like myself in your marriage and know that most people dont justify those as grounds for divorce.I know I'm a good person and people around me see that,as I'm sure is the case with you.It hurts that you love somebody like that and dont see this sort of thing coming,but we have to realize they are the ones who have to live with their decision for a long time.Some people it might not bother but they think about it and we can go on in life knowing we werent perfect but we werent the ones that gave up and through the hard times we didnt just fall out of love with them.Grow as a person and make a good life for yourself,trust in God and everything else will fall into place.

[Lsdaddy]

Thanks guys. I agree that she has had this in her head for a while. I've thought about that a lot and am somewhat bitter thinking that I was a very good sperm donor for her ](*,) The fact that everything was kept separate, we had a child, got a bigger home and then she finally makes more money than me and is now unhappy...very coincidental.

 

Nonetheless...I purchased a home of my own today that I'm very happy about. The property settlement agreement is being finalized as we speak (splitting everything 50/50 and she's buying me out of my equity) and I'll be moved into the new place within a month.

 

I didn't want to face it but I can tell that she has had a plan this entire time. I wish I could do NC but it won't work obviously with our daughter and the custody agreement. That's fine. We'll have a business relationship, the business being our daughter, but that is it. More and more I'm actually convinced that she'll realize that she screwed up and want me back. More and more I'm convinced that I don't want her regardless. Someone this selfish can never care for anyone else as much as they care for themself. The good news is that I have now moved on and realize this. I've had plenty of interest from members of the opposite sex and realize that I'm not damaged goods as I first thought (why would she leave me type of stuff).

 

I'm now looking forward to my new single life and being a parent to my daughter without interference!!!

[somanymistakes]

Love and in love definitely aren't the same. See my story here, if you want...

 

I would tell you she really thinks of you as a friend (and not the "lets be friends" break up type), but not as someone she wants to spend her life with and open up completely to. She probably wants to see if she can do better. She probably even feels bad about that. It sounds like trust was very important to her, and she feels you blew it. I can't tell if you actually did or not. It may be a crazy issue with her.

 

You should definitely try to preserve the friendship, for your child. A bitter divorce is no good for any of you, since there is no sign of abusiveness.

 

You should try to go to counselling. Maybe there is a way to either regain her trust, or make her see that the issue was never the betrayal she thinks it is.

 

If that doesn't work? If you had to, could you separate for a few months without it making you crazy? Maybe she needs some time to see what she will be missing - you sound like a great person, maybe she just needs to get beyond the constant reminder of why she is angry at you to remember why she first was in love with you.

 

And do you really want her back after this?

[somanymistakes]

Sorry, I missed a couple pages it turns out.

 

I don't think that you should think of it the way you are starting to. It seems really unlikely that she had a master plan. She sounds really confused too. Becoming financially secure may have a lot to do with her decisions, but it seems far more likely that she changed her priorities when new options opened up - maybe she feels she got married before she was ready, maybe she feels she has to have someone more financially secure, maybe she fell for someone else. But master plan just doesn't seem likely - she would have had to be a very cold and conniving person to do that, and it seems like she would have come up with a better plan than this if she was so clever to plan something like this out.

 

On the other hand, it will make getting over her easier, so maybe you should run with it...

 

You should really think about if you want to play the story like that around your daughter though. She may come to a different conclusion, and then she will think you are the one trying to manipulate her.

[Lsdaddy]

My daughter will never be directly involved in any of this from either of us. That is the one thing that we have always agreed upon is regardless of mom and dad and their opinions of each other, we never talk each other down or speak badly of each other to her.

 

Ultimately, I think my wife has a lot of maturing to do and she sees that other men are now interested in her and it boosts her confidence. She doesn't appreciate what we had and in time, she will. I just may be gone by that time! We'll have to see as I've had plenty of options open up recently also.

 

I'm just looking forward to starting over. I'm moving into MY house the first week in May and going on a golf trip with some buddies the last week in April. definitely some good things coming up that I'm going to enjoy. Most of all, I'm going to enjoy the 1 on 1 time with my beautiful daughter. She is ultimately what is keeping me going through all of this!!!

[benga]

Hey Lsdaddy - I have read your thread. I see that you and I have quite a lot in common - a whole lot.. Here is mine

 

 

Funny.. It seems that we hit the same patch at around the same time as well. I am also so happy to see that you have the right attitude and have dealt with the crisis in your life with maturity. I too have a child. More than being away from my wife, it sucks having to say bye to your baby each weekend.

 

What more can I say. Our situation seems very similar, but remember you will be alright. Remember that you are a great guy and it is her loss that she is not with you today. At times its not about you!! Its about her!! Let her figure out what she wants. Till she is able to do that, there is nothing you can do. She will one day realise that she has made the biggest mistake.. Till then, go ahead and build your life. Enjoy the space, the time and your own company. Sometimes we don't have the answers immediately, but I promise you, we will get the answers over time. Till then, be strong buddy and hang in there. We are here and in it together... start working out, eat well, relax, find time for yourself and your hobbies, meet friends...and never forget, its her loss..not yours..

Cheers

Benga

[benga]

Hey Ryan - I read your post on my thread earlier today!! Thanks..

 

I see your reflection through a mirror buddy. I read your thread in more detail today. I see more in common. Yes, my wife too wanted "excitement" over the last couple of years and I just couldn't understand what changed. I don't know if she is having an affair now, or who she is speaking with these days since we have been separated from each other 5 months! I don't keep a track of her whereabouts and the reverse is also true. I am not seeing anybody, and yes, if I got to know she was dating another, I would feel gutted. I understand you!

 

We all know that "these affairs" don't last - 90% of them. Let her make her mistakes and we all know she will. The pull of a familiar relationship is very strong and you are her safety net (read super dave's post). Pull it from under her, she will panic. You have been a nice guy and I think advantage has been taken of you. The day she realizes that you don't "need" her and are just fine without her, you will begin to see her attitude changing. I am sure of it. If you can, buy time at the moment, slow things down. When you speak or are together, you will have to be like an emotional rock and appear totally invulnerable!! Its tough, since you know each other so well, but you will have to be that way.. And lets be honest!! Deep down do you really wish her all the happiness in the future?? I am sure not. You are waiting for her to make those mistakes.. Correct?

 

Lets be the best dad's for our lil daughters. It is not easy for kids, though they are more resilient that we are Spoil her, pamper her... When my daughter is with me, she refuses to go back to her mother.. Inside it thrills me. But it also really pains to see my daughter so confused, cause she does love both of us!!

 

Guard against getting too interested in other women at the moment.. Sure it is an antidote for the current pain, but is it something you really want at the moment? I tried it myself, but realised soon after, that I was not ready for anything deeper. I have little to offer emotionally at the moment. Keep it casual and meaningless if you know what I mean if you can and don't let those brief moments confuse it for true happniess.. For whatever it is worth, I understand what you feel and don't make the mistakes that your wife is making - that is your key differentiator.

 

I too am moving to my new place. Sending all her stuff back "with love" and letting go of "our" place. It feels great. Something to really look forward to, something that you can call "my own". I took my daughter shopping for furniture and stuff. She is very excited about her new home as well. Bought her a bunk bed and promised to paint her room all pink and decorate it with a few doll houses. My daughter is slightly older so is a little more aware..

 

You and your daughter are all that matter for you at the moment. Don't hesitate in reaching out to your family for support. They will be there and understand you best. We are always here too.. Send me a PM if you'd like..

 

Chin up and walk tall. You have a whole life ahead of you as do I. There are bigger, better and wonderful things in store for us.

 

I spoke to my "ex" yesterday. She called. My daughter didn't want to be with her.. She sounds confused and weird.. I didn't give it much thought Unfortunately for us, NC is not an option (because of the child), but would have been a wonderful option to exercise...

 

Cheers Buddy.. Hang in there.. Send me a PM if you'd like...

Benga

[plyometrics]

Some of your story sounds similar. My ex was always worried about financila stuff. A place to live. All I really was for her was "home base." It has become more and more clear the longer that time passes.

My self esteem was in the toilet. Eating right and lots of exercise is one GREAT way to get through all of that. It helps that self esteem and prepares you to "be there" for the next woman. Dates, whatever you want. The pain will linger. There may be some times/nights when you hurt a lot. You may catch yourself having fantasies about getting back together. If that happens walk over to a window and slam in down on your hand because that is the kind of pain you would feel if you tried getting back together at this point. Just keep making yourelf a better person. Mentally, physically and spiritually. Like others have said in one way or another "this too shall pass."

 

Your ex pertty much told you ion one way or another what she would do to you. I had a therapist tell me that if you listen very carefully and watch people they will always tell you what they are going to do to you. Learn from that and move on. If it gives you any kind of satisfaction it sounds like your ex will continue to have the same problems no matter who she is with. Sounds like she has a long way to go. I love the desicion you finally made to tell her you just couldn't do it anymore. You freed your self. You are free from a situation that sounds like it just wasn't going any further. I have since met a wonderful woman and have realized just how restricitve my marrige was. I know now that this is more how realtionships are suppossed to be! Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Your head sounds like it is in a good place. If you feel restless mediatate, do some sets of squats and push ups. Then have a good meal. Life is going to get better. Sounds like it already is. The best of luck to you.

 

Robert

[plyometrics]

Oh and one piece of advice should you choose to accept it. Don't allow her confusion and "wanting to be friends" stuff confuse you. Don not just hand over the house. How would you feel if another ended up moving in there? Fight for what's yours. Do not just roll over and give her everything. That feeling of freedom you had with your epiphany will help you do this. She has made her bed and now she has to sleep in it. Let her ALSO take responsibility for her actions too. You also have a life to live. Your duaghter needs to see that you do too. So she can have a good role model for men she would like to spend time with when she gets older. Be careful of the guilt monster. It can eat you up. best of luck my friend.

 

 

Robert

[Lsdaddy]

Thanks Robert and Benga, much appreciated! I am doing exactly what you guys are talking about. Making sure the divorce is FAIR for me and that I get what I deserve. Financially and CUSTODY which is ultimately the most important thing to me. I really do love this place and all of the help it provides! I'm really excited to start this new chapter of my life and looking forward to finding a person to share it with, eventually...

[plyometrics]

Thanks Robert and Benga, much appreciated! I am doing exactly what you guys are talking about. Making sure the divorce is FAIR for me and that I get what I deserve. Financially and CUSTODY which is ultimately the most important thing to me. I really do love this place and all of the help it provides! I'm really excited to start this new chapter of my life and looking forward to finding a person to share it with, eventually...>>>

 

 

and if you keep yourself in this frame of mind you will. If you have been aware aned learned more about yourself during this crummy situation you may find that the person you do wind up with will be an improvement. Go for it!

 

Robert