Adult daughter of abusive mother desperate for help.

[spearntime]

Hi everbody!

 

I am new to this site. I have a question of concern regarding my mother. I have been in a mostly parentless situation since I was young. My father passed away when I was young and my mother was always gone. I would see her very rarely and when I did, she clearly did not want to be around my siblings and I. We were very clearly an "inconvenience". My older sister and I always took care of my little brother everyday while she was gone until very late in the evening. According to things my father said, I am not even sure my younger brother is his child. My little brother looks and acts differently from my sister and I. My father's loss was absolutely heartbreaking because he always made sure we had enough and protected me from my mother.

 

She would become very emotionally abusive. It did get physical a few times, but that was rare. We were bought necessities but were mostly neglected. Many times, it was hard to find something to eat in the house. We lived in an upscale neighborhood, but none of the neighbors seemed to even notice our situation. She always had something to eat for herself, but us kids rarely had a rounded meal. She always had a very "all me or nothing" attitude.

 

Now I am an adult and I have a child of my own. I have tried everything to have a relationship with my mother. She has accepted the invitation, but clearly considers anything else more important than spending time with my child or myself. Every time we speak, she constantly finds something negative to complain about. Even though I speak to her about talking about positive things, she continues the same behavior.

 

I feel that I am put as second most of the time. She brags about spending time with my siblings who live closer to her than I do. She drops hints that they are better than I am and she likes them more. Yet my siblings have similar complaints as I do.

 

It gets worse. When I DO visit (and I am always the one who does), she has a hard time just offering common courtesy to me. She does not make it a point to adhere to our schedule and seems to just constantly think of only herself and what she wants. This is how it has always been, but now that I am an adult it is almost intolerable. There are two cats in her house that urinate all over the house. She has brand new carpet that is almost mult-colored in different areas because of a lack of neutering or taking care of behavioral issues with the animals. There is a disregard to other people's needs all the time with her. This is the case with everything from our schedule to what we will eat. There have been times when she has acted so inappropriately that I have had to leave because of yelling, name calling, etc...

 

She has horrible, horrilbe social and table manners. She has always been loud, obnoxious, ill mannered... but lately she has even started belching loudly in front of people. She does not seem to understand how inappropriate this is! She does not dress appropriately meaning she wears stained or old clothing and seems to not care at all about common courtesy of others. She will stand in someone's way for a long time and not even noticed unless I point it out. This happens many times when we go out!

 

She is a very educated woman. She holds a PhD among other degrees. I do not understand her crude behavior. I do not understand her selfish ways. I am at a loss as to how to deal with a mess in her house, a mess in her behavior, a mess in herself. A mess in me...

 

Has anyone dealt with a similar issue? How did you develope strategies to deal with the stress? With an exterior viewpiont, does anyone have ideas for me so I can address these issues? Your input will be greatly considered and is greatly needed.

[fnlyfrei]

From the tone of your post...it seems your mother is more of a negative influence in your life than a positive one. It has always been my rule to distance myself from anyone who makes me feel horrible...even if they would happen to be related to me. She sounds selfish, mean and just plain not nice to be around. Why do you feel the need to keep her in your life?

[spearntime]

There are some good things. She has times when she treats my child very well. I have a belief that children should know all of their family. My siblings and I always go to my mother's for the holidays. If I leave her out, I leave out aunts and uncles and cousins.

[spearntime]

Guess my brother and sister have the same belief I do. My other two sibl. also get a lot of money from my mother on a regular basis. They would miss the money if they let go of her.

[isisastaria]

Can you go visit your bro/sis. separately from your mother? Is there a way to tell her about your frustrations? If you would want to...could you invite her to your place? Even if she refuses...can you keep inviting so she gets the hint? What about inviting everyone to your place for the holidays?

 

Ouch. All that sounds like it hurts. My dad died when I was 15 and we had to fend for ourselves quite a bit.

 

Hope everything turns out okay!

[spearntime]

Don't think so...not sure

[fnlyfrei]

So what help do you want? Your mother is probably set in her ways...and you could either disconnect for your own piece of mind...or go to some sort of family counseling. I guess I would be afraid that she would treat my children the same way as she treated me. I had a foster mother who was very abusive...verbally and physically. I had to divorce myself from the family even though I cared about her bio kids like they were my own blood. Which I am sure you are thinking might have been easier, but emotionally, they were my family. She isn't going to change unless she wants to...so if you stick around you are the one who has to be tolerant. I know that won't be easy either. I know I was unable to. But you listed about a hundred negative things and maybe two positive things. All I heard was there are TIMES when she treats your child well..(gosh, what are the other times like?) and that your siblings like her money. Not really her. Sad. No amount of money would be enough for me to let a poison person into my life, or allow them to stay...even if they were related to me. Do you think she is going to change ?

[spearntime]

I understand what you are saying. I have seen some improvements over the years. It does improve. Very very slowly. Thing is, she is mostly now just overbearing with mannerisms and her care for others. I think my role is to help my family if possible. I wonder if there's something I can do to improve her life. I feel that would bring closure. I know I may be caught up in a child's fantasy to have her mother back. I am just not sure if that is the case or not. Nice to know someone else can relate, as well.

[MusicTeacher]

I read your post sperntime, and immediately saw myself. Like you, I have a mother that is emotionally abusive. I'm 44 and am just now coming to the end of my rope with what I can tolerate from her. I have pushed her from my life. The unfortunate part, is that my father has gone with her. He is a good and wonderful person - but a very weak man. She wears the pants and always has.

 

I have turned to therapy. I know she will never change, and that it's time to take care of myself. I can say the words, but I'm not feeling it inside. I've reached out to my dad, but he remains silent. I don't even know if she has allowed the letters I've sent to be seen by him. She may have gotten to the mail before he has.

 

My therapist has recommended medication. The internet can be too much of a good thing I think, as I've done some reading. The side effects and weaning off of the meds looks scary. I'm not sure I want to take the antidepressant road. Anybody have some advice to share? What have others experiences been like with Paxil or Prozac?

 

Spiritually, I'm lost. The rules I'm to follow say to "honor thy father and thy mother" - but I'm having to tell my lord that I will try on the other nine - I'm just not sure about this one. Will I rot in hell if I end her poison and keep her out of my life?

[JadedStar]

We can love a parent from afar and I suggest you do this since she is bringing you nothing positive to your life.

 

You are not obligated to maintain a relationship with her. It is a shame someone as they age can remain so petty but she has chosen this path and you can choose to move on from her influence. And from reading your post I wuold suggest it.

 

Since she is obviously not lacking in intellect in that she could successfuly achieve a PHD do you think she might suffer from some type of mental disorder? That is what came to mind as I read your last few paragraphs.

[JadedStar]

The rules I'm to follow say to "honor thy father and thy mother"

 

I firmly believe this only applies when the father and mother have assumed their parental duties and not abused their children emotinally or physically.

 

If I were you i would move on from her and realize that if your father were a good father who was concerned for his daughter he would maintain contact with you. If he has moved on from you simply to follow your mother then let him go too.

[spinstermanquee]

dear spearntime,

 

like musicteacher, i have had to cut my toxic mum out of my family. after years of therapy and much suffering, i actually grew a pair and made the decision. (btw musicteacher, i tried Lexapro for a few months but found I really didn't need it - however, everyone is different so it's really a decision between you and your doctor). for us, it was just too damaging to my family to keep my mum involved, and she was showing signs of abusing my daughter the exact same way she did with me... and my first responsibility is to the child. once i focused on that, the way was clear.

[notsoFINE]

In reading your post I find many similar things going on in my life. I am 45 and have been severely affected by the past and present way my mother has treated me i.e. name calling, put downs, verbal threats (not physical), blaming, telling me no one likes me, that my brothers and sisters don't want to have anything to do with me; yet I've been invited over to their homes and spoke just fine with some of them. When I tell my mother that I was talking with them and was invited over she seems to be a bit silenced about it. There are a few that won't have anything to do with me; but that's all the better because there have been written threats to me as well as physical threats to my property. When I tell my mother about these threats; she doesn't really much care. I'm trying to figure out why I have been treated so bad. I have been taking care of my mother since she came out of the hospital (my father passed away 6 years ago) and it was a long recovery. She was acting fine during the recovery. She now can take care of herself accept for her home and property. After her recovery she became even more nasty than before the hospital stay. I've tried to go on with my life i.e. job, relationship, etc. but she seems to be controlling in what I do with my life. I'm just trying to be happy. I don't think she wants me to be happy.

 

I've had nightmares almost everytime she has verbally attacked me.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to take anti-depressant drugs...My best solution right now are my feet...and; of course, vehicle...God gave me feet to walk away and technology gave me a car to keep some distance.

 

Unfortunately, the verbal attacks have been more frequent and I have spent more and more time away from her even though she relies on me to take care of her household and gardening needs. I've been waiting for my brothers and sisters to step up to help out or even visit her more often but they feel it's my responsibilty to do everything.

 

I feel much happier away from her.

 

You have to think about your mental and physical health first because you have a life to live and preserve and no one else will do it for you.

 

My mental and physical health has been increasingly bad because of what I've tolerated. No MORE! These feet were made for walking! I have to get healthy again if not just for me but for my future husband and children, etc.

 

You are not alone! Be strong or at least try to be strong!

[notsoFINE]

In reading your post I find many similar things going on in my life. I am 45 and have been severely affected by the past and present way my mother has treated me i.e. name calling, put downs, verbal threats (not physical), blaming, telling me no one likes me, that my brothers and sisters don't want to have anything to do with me; yet I've been invited over to their homes and spoke just fine with some of them. When I tell my mother that I was talking with them and was invited over she seems to be a bit silenced about it. There are a few that won't have anything to do with me; but that's all the better because there have been written threats to me as well as physical threats to my property. When I tell my mother about these threats; she doesn't really much care. I'm trying to figure out why I have been treated so bad. I have been taking care of my mother since she came out of the hospital (my father passed away 6 years ago) and it was a long recovery. She was acting fine during the recovery. She now can take care of herself accept for her home and property. After her recovery she became even more nasty than before the hospital stay. I've tried to go on with my life i.e. job, relationship, etc. but she seems to be controlling in what I do with my life. I'm just trying to be happy. I don't think she wants me to be happy.

 

I've had nightmares almost everytime she has verbally attacked me.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to take anti-depressant drugs...My best solution right now are my feet...and; of course, vehicle...God gave me feet to walk away and technology gave me a car to keep some distance.

 

Unfortunately, the verbal attacks have been more frequent and I have spent more and more time away from her even though she relies on me to take care of her household and gardening needs. I've been waiting for my brothers and sisters to step up to help out or even visit her more often but they feel it's my responsibilty to do everything.

 

I feel much happier away from her.

 

You have to think about your mental and physical health first because you have a life to live and preserve and no one else will do it for you.

 

My mental and physical health has been increasingly bad because of what I've tolerated. No MORE! These feet were made for walking! I have to get healthy again if not just for me but for my future husband and children, etc.

 

You are not alone!

[notsoFINE]

In reading your post I find many similar things going on in my life. I am 45 and have been severely affected by the past and present way my mother has treated me i.e. name calling, put downs, verbal threats (not physical), blaming, telling me no one likes me, that my brothers and sisters don't want to have anything to do with me; yet I've been invited over to their homes and spoke just fine with some of them. When I tell my mother that I was talking with them and was invited over she seems to be a bit silenced about it. There are a few that won't have anything to do with me; but that's all the better because there have been written threats to me as well as physical threats to my property. When I tell my mother about these threats; she doesn't really much care. I'm trying to figure out why I have been treated so bad. I have been taking care of my mother since she came out of the hospital (my father passed away 6 years ago) and it was a long recovery. She was acting fine during the recovery. She now can take care of herself accept for her home and property. After her recovery she became even more nasty than before the hospital stay. I've tried to go on with my life i.e. job, relationship, etc. but she seems to be controlling in what I do with my life. I'm just trying to be happy. I don't think she wants me to be happy.

 

I've had nightmares almost everytime she has verbally attacked me.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to take anti-depressant drugs...My best solution right now are my feet...and; of course, vehicle...God gave me feet to walk away and technology gave me a car to keep some distance.

 

Unfortunately, the verbal attacks have been more frequent and I have spent more and more time away from her even though she relies on me to take care of her household and gardening needs. I've been waiting for my brothers and sisters to step up to help out or even visit her more often but they feel it's my responsibilty to do everything.

 

I feel much happier away from her.

 

You have to think about your mental and physical health first because you have a life to live and preserve and no one else will do it for you.

 

My mental and physical health has been increasingly bad because of what I've tolerated. No MORE! These feet were made for walking! I have to get healthy again if not just for me but for my future husband and children, etc.

 

You are not alone!

[HOUSES4RENT]

My "mother" is the exact same way. I am 46 years old and all my life all I was ever told by her was that I was an ugly fat miserable "b" and that she wished she had never had me.

 

My Father was a good hearted man who died of cancer when I was young and he also was my saviour from her.

 

I moved 1,500 miles away from her when I turned 18 years old and never looked back. Although we speak sparingly, she never has anything good to say to me. As a matter of fact, if I have something good to tell her about my life, she is saddened by my good news and quickly turns the conversation to something bad that happened to me or some mistake I made as a child that she can throw in my face to "remind me" of who I am.... "A LOSER".

 

I have an older brother who is also a victim of this woman's rotten disposition and he is always on pins and needles around her and screams and hollers at her before she even opens her mouth because he has so much hatred for her. He lives only 2 miles from her and he tells me almost every time we speak on the phone how much he hates her and how better off we'd both be if she was dead since she is no use to us alive.

 

She is old now, 90, but continues to hurt us with her insidious comments. She has a superior than though attitude and tries her best to keep me and my brother 10 levels beneath her so that she can look her nose down at us and continue to tell us how we are nothing but she is the queen.

 

She has never worked a day in her life. Our Father worked all his life to provide for me and my brother but our "mother" always takes the credit for his hard work...."oh if it wasn't for me, your Father would have squandered away all his money and you wouldn't have had what you had growing up".

 

The emotional scars she has left on us both have stayed with us our entire lives.

 

Despite her attempts to keep us under her emotional control, my brother and I have both made a lot of money and what we have materially is better than what she has and it truly upsets her.

 

My brother and I firmly believe that our "mother" is crazy. Always has been and always will be. There is no good reason to insult and constantly demean a child.

[vinnee]

We can love a parent from afar and I suggest you do this since she is bringing you nothing positive to your life.

 

You are not obligated to maintain a relationship with her. It is a shame someone as they age can remain so petty but she has chosen this path and you can choose to move on from her influence. And from reading your post I wuold suggest it.

 

Since she is obviously not lacking in intellect in that she could successfuly achieve a PHD do you think she might suffer from some type of mental disorder? That is what came to mind as I read your last few paragraphs.

 

I too was thinking this. The stained clothes, and lack of concern over animal urine....it sort of conflicts with a purely selfish person's needs to live in comfort and look better than other's around them.......is there a history of mental illness on her side of the family?

[Eira39]

The rules I'm to follow say to "honor thy father and thy mother"

 

I firmly believe this only applies when the father and mother have assumed their parental duties and not abused their children emotinally or physically.

 

If I were you i would move on from her and realize that if your father were a good father who was concerned for his daughter he would maintain contact with you. If he has moved on from you simply to follow your mother then let him go too.

Only dead fish follow the flow - that is just what I have experienced this Christmas. I cannot believe my mother and now, my father too! What is going on - I do not understand.

 

I am a mother of three young children and was looking forward to having my parents over for Christmas, but as usual I am mentally tortured and belittled by them.

 

I could go into a long history of verbal, mental abuse but I do not think at this moment it would help. I just feel down, depressed and unhappy in not having the opportunity of "putting on a christmas show" of happy families for the sake of the children.

 

They arrived for christmas over a week ago and are staying with my sister. I telephoned and spoke to mum the day after she arrived and talked about meeting up and perhaps her coming over a few days after to see the youngest child's (3 years old little girl) Christmas play. My mother to my horror, but not surprising, replied " I have to go shopping etc. etc." I was sad and hurt that she used excuse after excuse about not being able to come down to see us in the near future. I kept my calm, knowing full well how her TOTAL selfishness affects her personality and her reaction towards anyone who stands in her way, so I said "well perhaps we can talk during the week".

 

A few days later I rang and spoke to her about my little one appearing in her Christmas play and that it would be nice if her and dad could come down and that I could use her help with altering a costume. To my horror she replied "i have to go somewhere on that day and anyway I didn't see (another grandchild's play) why should I see your child's". I was so hurt and upset but again, I know only too well that one has to keep cool and try and take it. She said she would see about the the following days after - I suggested Saturday to come down to see them, but she said "I'm going out all day, I'll be back at 6pm." I was very reluctant to agree to this time because the children go to bed at 8pm and it would mean driving for 1 hour in traffic and back past the bedtime, but I agreed and it was left that I would come down at 6pm. On the day my youngest had a temperature and was sick. I was hoping she would feel better. I had a phone call from mum at 3pm saying she was back now and that we could come down to see her. I explained that my child was sick and she got very aggressive. I put the telephone down.

 

I felt very bad after that so, half an hour later a phoned back and my dad answered and I could hear my mother in the background calling me a " * * * * * ". I was in tears and said "what have I done - we just want to see you"

 

We still have not seen each other and the older children are asking why we havn't seen the grandparents.

 

What can I do