On the countdown, having a breakdown

[scarew]

So, I have about 12 weeks to go. We are not prepared at ALL for a baby yet. We are trying, planning, etc but nothing seems to be working out. We are trying to refinance our house so we can buy a second one thats baby-friendly. But it seems like this application to refinance the house is never going to happen. Every time they say its done, they need one more stupid form or letter we have to dig up. It has taken over 2 months and now they need another stupid form from an old employer that my husband had.

 

I am freaking out now. Maybe its because my cousin just had her baby and it really hit me. I need help calming down guys! Someone tell me that 12 weeks is actually not 12 days and that everything will work out! AAAAAAAAAAH!

 

I mean, I knew I wouldnt really be able to prepare until my semester is over anyways (Beginning-mid april), so maybe I should just allow myself to start panicking then.

 

We will survive if we have the baby in this house for a couple months of course. There is no baby room and its in a bad neighborbood, but we would live. But thinking about that just makes me cry.

[Newo Ikkin]

I have one major thing to say: we all have to start somewhere.

 

I'm a strong believer in so long as that baby has all the love it could possibly handle, you will all cope - whether it be in a mansion or on the streets. Not a practical statement, I know - but I'm sure you get where I'm coming from.

 

Btw, your belly looks beautiful

[isisastaria]

You're doing the typical mommy thing. You're worrying before the baby is even born. That's very sweet. I think you're going to be a very very good mommy.

 

All babies need is milk, diapers, and warmth. If you have those things, the baby will be fine.

 

With my first, I nit picked EVERYTHING because it's nerve wracking when you have your first baby. You don't know exactly what to expect. What I learned with my second (when I was much better off financially, emotionally, etc...), is that as long as you're caring and loving AND IT'S OBVIOUS YOU ARE...EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

[isisastaria]

Yes, it is beautiful!! Tan for a preg. belly! Cute tattoo!!!

[Dilly]

Easy, Scarew. It will all come together!! You just have to sometimes give yourself the opportunity to experience a meltdown before you can put your priorities in line and kind of think about back up plans. You will be fine if the baby is born where you are. That's true. You said so first. It's just not your favorite option. Tell your hubby and your family about your concerns and let them pick up some slack. They will step up. Also, start writing lists of what you must have, need to have, and would like to have. Then, think about what happens if you don't have any of those things and what impact that might have on you. In the end, you will find, you can go without and make it work - it's just not most convenient. Let your family help you now.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

think back 12 weeks ago...seems a long time ago doesn't it? that was BEFORE christmas.... - think how much your belly has grown in 12 weeks, how the weather has changed.... holidays have come and gone... things have happened and we've forgotten them already.

 

also i dont think that when your baby is born ..its going to be running around... climbing and touching things...haha so you don't have to worry about the house being baby friendly just yet.

 

you have PLENTYof time =)

[scarew]

(sniff) Thanks everyone.

 

I don't know why I let it bother me so much. But maybe like Dilly said, I just need to go through a meltdown so I can formulate my back up plan.

 

I don't know if making lists and stuff would be helpful right now though.

 

But you guys are right, food, warmth, and love are all we need.

 

Oh boy its one of those emotional days isn't it...

[Dilly]

I was thinking about you today. Just having a day like you had recently. It's funny how you can feel great and happy-go-lucky one day and then, the next, you sort of feel this rising pressure to get everything in order. I feel disorganized still and I have sooo much to do and I'm too tired to get it all done. I'm just so fatigured right now and ... frustrated, but I'm sure it will pass and by nightfall, all will be better. Fortunately, these little spells don't last long for me. I guess I recognize the role hormones play and even when I used to get PMS, I worried about things I SHOULD be worried about, but the extra emotional investment in those things helped motivate me to communicate my thoughts to my family, friends, and significant others and that definitely usually plays a role in outcomes. I think recognition of the emotions and the cause is really key, but not discounting the emotion itself.

[southerngirl]

You are doing the same thing that I did during the last months of my pregnancy.

 

Your hitting the 'nesting phase' and you are starting to worry about everything. It will all work out just fine. Your worry is normal!

 

My daughter just turned 12 weeks on this past wednesday and guess what, she still cant roll over! YOu have time! Most days she spends in her bassinette, her bouncy seat, her swing, or in my arms. Before they walk they have to crawl and before that they have to roll over..

 

It will all work out, youll see... just think in about six months, your babe will be this age and still not even rolling over (most likely)

[Dilly]

You are doing the same thing that I did during the last months of my pregnancy.

 

Your hitting the 'nesting phase' and you are starting to worry about everything. It will all work out just fine. Your worry is normal!

 

My daughter just turned 12 weeks on this past wednesday and guess what, she still cant roll over! YOu have time! Most days she spends in her bassinette, her bouncy seat, her swing, or in my arms. Before they walk they have to crawl and before that they have to roll over..

 

Very helpful perspective!!! SIGH, odes to pregnancy

[scarew]

I did sort of get over my meltdown the other day. I offically gave myself permission to panick after the semester is over and I have time to feather my nest and get everything ready, whether we have found our new house or not.

 

Dilly, I am really trying to bring awareness into my emotional spells like you said. Sometimes you just get PAINFULLY aware though you know? You know that you're breaking down, you know its not justified or rational, you know its just horomones, yet you STILL break down.

 

(Sigh) is right.

[Dilly]

GREAT PICTURE (avatar)... Yes, I know! It's very hard to sort it out but sometimes it helps a bit. It helps just to know that your emotional baseline has been reset when you have hormonal surges.

[scarew]

Well J hasn't been able to make the last 2 appointments with our couples counsellor but I thought no prob I'll just go by myself and work on my personal stuff. After talking with me, the counsellor says that she would like to do some more work with me alone. Stuff that she thinks is important to adress before the baby comes. So for the next 2-3 sessions it will be just me and then both me and J again after that.

 

I think it will be good for me. I mean, I have had alot of counselling before, when I was younger, but I don't think you can fully benifit from it until you are mature enough to actually learn things about yourself. It makes me kind of uncomfortable in a way because this counsellor really likes to dig up my past, which is nothing but textbook instability and abandonment issues. But I suppose the fact that it makes me uncomforable is indicative that I need to address these issues.

 

Do you guys believe in the whole er- you overreact in your relationship because you have a fear of rejection because of things that happened to you when you were a little girl? Stuff like that?

 

I don't know, it seems kind of Freudish. I think she might be right, it just seems so... like Im a patient sitting on one of those long chair-beds facing the other way while a psychiatrist asks me about my childhood.

 

P.S. Thanks about the pic

[southerngirl]

Do you guys believe in the whole er- you overreact in your relationship because you have a fear of rejection because of things that happened to you when you were a little girl? Stuff like that?

 

yes, in short, I believe that your past can effect your present. However, if you know this and can identify when those bad thoughts come down you can better deal with them.

 

Try to think if what your worried about is because of his actions, or is it your reactions? Remember we can not control another person or what they do but we can control how we react to it and feel. Good luck with the counseling.

[Dilly]

Try to think if what your worried about is because of his actions, or is it your reactions? Remember we can not control another person or what they do but we can control how we react to it and feel. Good luck with the counseling.

 

This is really good advice.

 

I have friends and family that brood over their misshapen childhoods and drink away their agonies about their poor mistreatment, but you know, you really can wake up and change the way you look at life. We really have to remain cognizant of our thoughts and try to do what SouthernGirl said and just let go and get in a situation where we are not as dependent on the people that upset us so that when they let us down emotionally, it doesn't take as large a toll. I think independence is a state of mind, but when we love someone, and trust them, it's bound to hurt when they let us down, but the best defense may be to have backup plans for those areas that we can control (our image, our job, our money, our transportation). Serenity prayer helps. Keep talking to the counsellor but question any prolonged focus on your childhood that brings you pain and resentment over your family and upbringing. If you feel worse after the session, don't reenter the room with intent to go there in conversation again (at least without having an objective that suits your needs).

 

CONFESSION: I once went to a counsellor who wanted to probe my childhood past merely because at the age of 28, I had only had sex with one man, my husband. He thought it was weird and strange and when he started probing for reasons, and touching on the idea that I may have been sexually abused, I took the bull by the horns and told him that he was absolutely off-base, that my father was a good man, that I just wanted to remain abstinant and had sort of a fairy-tale idea about marriage because my sister was so wild she sowed her oats at the age of 13 and really never stopped. She, in fact, was the one who told me to wait. How about that?! But it's a pain when you have to justify such a personal decision to someone who is looking for an excuse to bill your insurance for another four solo sessions. Beware and be wary of these counsellor types. They are paid professionals, right? As such, they have their biases and their motivations to keep you coming back. The more confused you are, the more sessions they get to bill.

[Dilly]

One other thing, they seem compassionate and empathetic and that keeps us sort of in a trusting state, but you have to question everything when it comes to your mental health and do so with clear objectives. Before going back, ask yourself what you have to gain from a journey down memory lane through childhood. If you're interested in exploring your past to discover how your parents might have made mistakes, that's not so bad because you can learn from those mistakes they made and be a better parent (by avoiding thos actions or lack thereof). BUT if you are going down memory lane to discover why you are the way you are and how they are to blame, yuck, is there really a benefit? And do most people examine the cause of their insecurities moreso than correcting the insecurity? I think a balance must be struck. Understand it, but take it all with a grain of salt.

[scarew]

Good points guys thanks

 

When I think about it though, I really do feel like I am learning something from these sessions rather than digging up stuff to make me feel bitter and angry. I feel like she uses an applied approach, which is really important.

 

I just get judgemental when counsellors try to dig up my past because my past is like a counsellors dream: Instable homes, multiple fathers, all kinds of abuse, etc. All of which I consider myself to be over. However, when she asks me to talk about some of these things that I think I am over, she asks me to recognize the physical/emotional feelings I get. These feelings are exactly how I feel when I am overreacting or behaving in a way I dislike in my relationship. We then try to find ways to diffuse those feelings through self talk and breathing and stuff.

 

So I really think its helpful, I just get sketched out sometimes.

 

Anywho, meltdown of the day: I am ugly and fat. I am sure many pregnant women go through this. But today I am really feeling that body image problem. Sometimes me and my husband go swimming and lately my usual bathing suits can't contain my boobs so I went to walmart to pick up a cheapy in a bigger size. Well, lets just say that full length mirror in that horrible lighting has led me to decide that the swimming days are over, and I didn't get the bathing suit.

 

I have stretch marks on my but, and now on the bottom of my breasts. My upper body actually looks decently fit even with the big tummy, but my bum and thighs are like a whole different person! (sigh) My husband still thinks I'm sexy, but geez, I wish I thought so. I feel like a whale with circulation problems (stretch marks look veiny). AH! I know it will all be worth it. I guess I thought I was immune to all the things pregnant women go through. I thought I wouldn't get those war wounds. I don't know why. Blah, I am so embarrassed to go out in public. Summer is coming up and I will have to wear a parka all season.

 

Wow, big rant. Thanks guys.

[Dilly]

You look beautiful. Don't doubt that for a second! And yes, you do have a very fit upper body!!! You're almost there. Don't look down now. I am the same way. My bootie is quite big now and my b-friend asked me jokingly (all right, he was cracking all the way up) if the roll of paper towels in the bathroom were for my toosh. I could have gotten funny about it, but you know what, I thought it was hilarious.

 

Anyway, it's possible to get thin again and that's the plan for me.

 

I'm sure you will also. We have the weather working on our sides. I mean, by the time the baby is here, it will be warm and wonderful outside and we can go for strolls.

 

 

[scarew]

I agree about the weather!

 

Lol your man is a funny guy. Mine made fun of me because when I made his lunch for work yesterday there was mysteriously only half of the usual PB and J sandwhich. It was actually because it was the last piece of bread but it was cute that he thought I scarfed on his lunch while making it haha!