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[frida123]

Hello,

I just found this site and forum yesterday, and I really like it. I prefer obsessing here than with my ex. My ex broke up with me after allmost a year shortly after we´d decided to live together. First, he said he really wanted to live with me, but he felt so anxious about it that in the end he cuoldnt. After a month he wanted to break up. He says that he knows that in his heart he loves me and we´ve had the best relationship he ever has had, but he panics from commitment. He thinks he is redicolous and that I should laugh at him for his immature behaviour. I should meet someone else, I am worth more than him (he cries saying this). He despices himself, and says he cant stop ruminizing (?) about us and the relationship and he needs to work on his commitment issues by him self (He´s in therapy). He says he hopes that he will be able to choose me if he works on himself now, that he knows he has to change. But he also knows I might not be there by then. He is very sad. So, what I get is the ever so hard super double bind- I cant give ypu anything but I would want to give it to you...

Where am I in all this? Im sad, lonely, and my thoughts constantly with him. I feel so abandoned, so sad and lonely. We have had two really nice talks, and thank god very loving, not arguing. I think I need some thing else though- I need to focus on me, not contactning him, not pressuring him, and gice my self some space. Get my mind to comprehend that I might have lost my love now. I HAVE lost him. Right now it turns out that my mother has a big lump (?) on her throat, very big, and I am so worried that its a cancer or something else really serious. I dont need two things making me sad right now. I also got a new really exciting and fun job, and I will need to focus on that. And I really need to start working out.

But deep inside my hope is still with him, in getting him back. How can I get him out of my mind?

Deep inside is also the thoughts on will I ever meet some one again, have a loving relationship. And will that happen in time for me to have a family and childreeen ( age you know).

[spunkmaster]

That is a lot to deal with all at one time! I hope everything works out with your mom!

 

As for the guy problems. I've learned that when a guy tells you that you deserve someone better, he's generally telling the truth. Learned that one from hardcore experience! Maybe that's not always the case, but it has been for me. You shouldn't have to spend your time convincing someone to be with you, they should already want to, even through the bad times.

 

Maybe space is what you both need...him to figure out his issues, and you to be sure that HE is what you want, and not just the life and things that he may or may not be able to provide/share with you in the future.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA frida123, great to have you here...

 

First of all, let's look at what you really "lost" here. It sounds to me like you "lost" (notice quotes) a nutjob and gained freedom and forewent future pain had you stayed with this guy. If you do the math, I think you will see you came out on the better end of this deal...

 

You loved and were attached to this nutjob but he is still a nutjob nonetheless. And I really believe this is not a reflection on you...

 

But I do sense your main fear here is that you think this was your last chance at love and having children. Can you imagine? Having kids with this emotional mess of a boyfriend? You're better off sister and so are they!

 

But I hear you and I understand your feelings right now. They are all normal and will subside in time guaranteed. In many senses, you have addressed a lot of the solutions in your post, i.e., focusing on your job, going to the gym, generally keeping your mind busy and your life full. That's what you have to do. There is no side-stepping the grief but you can at least make the journey through emotional hell air conditioned by doing some of these things you mention.

 

At any rate, I am quite certain in time, you will shake your head and laugh about this situation someday and pity the next woman who gets involved with this head case.

 

And I hope your Mom's health matter gets resolved quickly and completely...

[mikeca]

someone had a good saying on here that even two halves must be whole themselvers before they can come together as one

 

It seems he knows hes not whole himself and must journey on his own to find himself first before becoming serious in a relationship

[frida123]

Dear friends,

thank you so much for your replies. Its funny, for me its easier and more comfortable "talking" to you or my three closest friends, than with other people. Im still not ready to tell people at my job about us having broke up, just pretend its all going as usual. Feels as I dont want to break down at the job, or with causal friends. Nice also to have different spaces where I can not think about him too much.

He is not a nut case , though going through a time of emotional problems. This only makes it so much harder. We had a very loving relationship, with few arguments. Our personalities and interests fit perfectly, intimitely as well. Those are his words. Me, I felt loved, cared for, and was giving that back. I felt secure and safe. At this point when I wake up in the mornings crying

thinking about the risk of my mother having a tumor, feeling ever so worried realising how fragile life is and how vulnerable I am. At this point the loss is so hard. I find it hard not being angry with him for wanting spece for personal development at the time I need him the most, for "real". Obviou sly, he doesnt know about my mother and it didnt effect his decision. But within me I feel so abandoned.

[Thornycactus]

I'm a total newbie.................and as of yet not comfortable enough to tell "my story"..........soo I'll just comment here and there for now:

Frida, I don't believe he's a "nutjob"..............I believe there's 2 types of people in this world............those in therapy..............and those who SHOULD be in therapy..............your man, I believe, is perfect for the NC...........and give it as long as it takes..................he's been honest about his feelings............now it's up to you to show him what is acceptable and unacceptable to you............... I don't use the NC method as a weapon but more like a defense mechanism.............I must say, it has worked every time...............it has allowed the other person to get their thoughts together, without any pressure................and has allowed me to maintain my sanity.

[frida123]

thank u, nice to see that there are more new people here, and welcome if I can say so (so new myself ).

I think youre quite right. My X has been in therapy for a long time, its for personal developmentm which he needs. He says he needs to comprehend what he wants, because up until now I think hes been in relationships mainly because theyve been there for him to stay in. He says he hopes that in teh end he will want to choose me, but I am painfully aware of that it might not happen. I have told him that I want to be with him. But only if he truelly wants to. And that I will be here for him to choose for sometime now, but that in that case we would need to start all over, from the beginning and right this time. And he would need to change.

I agree with the NC. Its the best any both ways. getting over him or getting him back.

I hope that youre doing as fine as you can. When or if youre ready to tell your story I will listen.

[Thornycactus]

It's great that your so supportive Frida...................however I don't use the words "you have to change".....................it's like everything is great at the beginning of a relationship..................and than the other person slowly starts "picking you apart"......................kindof leaves you wondering?...............what the heck do they like about you?!................my advice, for what it's worth is to let him know his positives..........what ya absolutely love about him.......................and if he adores you back............he'll wanna change......................all by himself

[frida123]

Hello again,

ýes I think youre right, thornycactus. All though my experience some times have been that I didnt express what I wanted or needed in a relationship. In the end I didnt feel satisfied, and the poor biy friens didnt know why. Some times I think you need to be clear about what ypure expecting and what you want from some one.

[Thornycactus]

Hello again,

ýes I think youre right, thornycactus. All though my experience some times have been that I didnt express what I wanted or needed in a relationship. In the end I didnt feel satisfied, and the poor biy friens didnt know why. Some times I think you need to be clear about what ypure expecting and what you want from some one.

 

Thank you Frida................lord how I love being right............as it so rarely happens,Ha!............................and let me return the favour............your right about being clear about what you expect and want from someone.............too many times women have the tendency to speak in code...............and then later tell the man "you Should know what I want!".......................well.............they don't