Engaged, but worried.

[chris585]

Hello everyone. Ive been on this site for about 2 years now. Im now under a new name so that my fiance wont get curious and start reading my posts again.

 

Since weve been engaged (December 06) I have stumbled accross several emails that she has written to her ex boyfriend and his daughter. She left her email open one night and when I sat down at the PC i read bits and pieces of an email sent back and forth from his daughter. The main point in it was that my fiance still has feelings for him. During their exchanges I read that the only reason they split was because my fiances son was too wild for him and he dont and cant deal with kids his age. They were still seeing each other but on the outs when i came into the picture.

 

My problem with this now is that I realize that my finance loves me and wants to marry me, but now with this info Im reading from her, will she still be interested in his relationships, and possibly dart at her opportunity to be with him since she still has those feelings for this guy? Should I confront her about him at all not saying i know about it, just ask about him? Or should I leave it alone and hope that shes in this for the right reasons? Im torn as what to do and I know all of you have great advice to give.

 

My prior nick was perseverance_rules if you look up my old profile, you can see that ive dealt with cheating women too much now to let this slide so easy and on the verge of getting married again.

 

Thanks for all the help in advance, and I will try to stay positive with all the feedback.

 

Thanks!

[jedifairy]

I would fish for information myself. Ask probing questions and gage her reactions. Sometimes these situations are harmless and will fizzel out in time. But you are right to be concerned and I think this needs to be sorted before you are married.

[chris585]

Today, I asked her is she was truly happy. She asked me if she needed to knock me upside the head. Was almost as if she was over doing it with her answer.She told me shes in it for the long haul, or she wouldnt be planning a big wedding and worrying about it all...

 

I want to believe that, I also want to believe that maybe she didnt get over her ex when she was ready to. Her last ex treated her better than any other guy had, and I think she still holds onto that, which in theory should be good. But I wonder why she has to stay in touch so much as if not letting go of him. My comment to her a few months back was that ex's are ex's for a reason. Sure you still care about that person if the breakup was mutual...but to be still concerned that much about what theyre up to makes me think shes not over it.

[PHillwife]

TRUST ME... if she can't let go she can't move on...

 

I'm starting to think that is my problem...

[chris585]

I cant believe how me bringing up this subject with her has changed her mood towards me lately. almost as if she feels like i know whats up but dont want me to read into it. I guess Ill weigh it out and see how she reacts to questions more. Really a sour feeling i feel right now.......

[shydragonfly2]

I think you are right to be worried. She obviously hasnt moved on from that relationship and needs to work out those feelings before getting married.

 

Does she usually leave her email open on accident? If she does do you usually read it? or was there some uneasy feeling you were having already that prompted you to go ahead and read it? I just ask because when we have those 'uneasy' feelings its usually for a reason...

 

just some thoughts...I think you are doing the right thing and hope it works out for you!

 

Shy

[ghost69]

i think you should say that you went to use the PC and when you used it, her emails were in your face so you read one. i would say that. right then and there, if she has a problem and gets guarded and argues, she obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

[Iceman26]

i think you should say that you went to use the PC and when you used it, her emails were in your face so you read one. i would say that. right then and there, if she has a problem and gets guarded and argues, she obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

 

Bingo.

 

You really need to get all of this on the table with her before you get married or these feelings of doubt will continue.

 

I also feel if she is marrying you then she should cut off contact with the ex, but that is my personal opinion.

[ghost69]

this way it doesn't seem you are snooping. it was in your face.

[chris585]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Last weekend, after a nice night out together I mentioned to her during conversation that I had a feeling that she still has feelings for her ex because of the way she talks about him, the kind of talk someone has when they seem giddy, and over excited to talk about someone. That was my original hunch even before i read those emails. I told her LOOK, I understand that this guy treated you better than you had been treated before you met him, but that does not make it ok to go on and give me details about how things are with his new girlfriend, as if she wants them two to break up. This guy never wanted anything long term with her, and as it is he is 15-17 years older than my fiance (in his mid forties). Now he is dating another woman who is of the same age as my fiance once again.

 

I basically told my fiance that I dont feel like I have to be the guy who is judged based on prior ex's or one she still has feelings for...I wont stand for it whatsoever. Ex's are that for a reason. Sure she can always remember him for what he meant to her at the time, as I do with my ex wife...but at no time am I going to talk about my ex as if I still care about them as I do my fiance.

 

Things were better and are a bit better now after that long drive home of talking...BUT I still have those feelings about her wanting to know the everyday goings on in his life, which she shouldnt be concerned over.

 

I had talked to a few ex's still when my fiance and I started dating, but after our relationship started to grow, I cut off ties with them knowing that I didnt want her to feel second best, or wonder what my motives were.

[terk2021]

Chris,

 

I can certainly feel for you. Have you thought about going to a marriage prep class or marriage counseling with her? It sounds like you both love each other very much. You have every right to have concerns about this. It is certainly something you don't want to have lingering out there going into a marriage.

 

I would approach her about it. Marriage prep courses are usually taught at churches (and they are more about marriage, and not about preaching to you about religion) and last 1 hour on Sunday for 6 weeks.

 

I wish you the best. I went through a bad breakup last year and canceled my wedding 4 weeks before it. My situation was completely different, but I am so glad I went to a marriage prep class. I really learned a lot...

 

Feel free to private message me anytime if you want to talk more about it.

 

Terk

[ghost69]

it's hard for some people to let go. especially if the person meant a lot to them. i think she wants to know about his relationships because she is a bit jealous of what he is doing. you should seek professional help. this is not good for you.