forever lost and alone

[tallguycmh]

Greetings fellow travels,

I have just recently joined this group. First off I want to thank all of you that have posted. Reading the posts has helped to show me that I am not the only one that is going thru a living hell, and I see others wanting to help others as well.

There is a part of me that wants to find some magic cure to feeling bad. Yes, part of that is very selfish, yet, the caring part of me also wants to help others.

I feel like I just want to explode and write everything that has lead me to this place. But, there isn't enough room. Instead, I would like to open with a simple and small cry for help.

My life has been nothing more than a fight to stay alive since I was eight years old. I am now in my mid forties. I have been in and out of counseling and on meds since the 1984. My family says that they want to help, but they have their own drama. And the reality is, they actually bring me down.

I have never had a relationship, yet I am told I am good looking and fun to be with.

I am very good at my job, yet feel like I am ready to be fired each and every day.

I am tall, in good shape, yet no one is interested in being with me.

I am smart yet can't find a job that will allow me to do more than just get by each and every week.

My birthday present to myself for my 39th birthday was a .357 in my mouth. I almost pulled the trigger....I now wish I had.

Since then I have sold that gun, but wish I had it back.

The self talk in my mind is destructive, yet I can't get the voices to stop.

The physical and mental pain that I deal with every moment of every day, is over powering.

I can not afford meds or counseling. I am, as I have been all my life....alone and lonely.

The walls that I have built over the past 30 years are so high and think, I can't break thru them.

I fear that I am too old to find someone to share what is left of life...and I will be forced to work jobs that don't pay enough to allow me to take care of myself.

Is some of what I wrote above an absolute, yes. Are absolutes correct, hardly. I do know what I wrote isn't fully the truth, yet it is the way that I see it.

My friends have been overkilled with my burdens to the point I can't keep any friends.

All I want to do, is to wake up tomorrow dead. To those that feel that suicide is selfish....try living with the pain that I ( and others) deal with.

Please stop telling me that there are paths to take that will help. I believe I have tried them all. I can't decide what I need more.....love, acceptance, or death.

 

Thanks for listening...

[ButterflyWrists]

have you tryed to leisten to people when they say ur fun.. why not make an effort to try and be this fun person.. and write down each night and morning your feelings, and when u have time write them on here, in a journal?? maybe it will help...

I've been through alot myself, and know and understand some of what ur feeling..

[Jetta]

A book that has really helped me is called Mind Power by John Kehoe. You can check out his website link removed It's about how our thoughts control our lives, and it's true they do, and ways to control our thoughts to obtain the life of our dreams.

 

You have an attitude that needs adjusting. You're in a self-pity mode that is serving no one. My mom always tells me I need to volunteer, do something for someone else (I tend to fall into the self-pity mode myself). Who have you helped today? What have you given today? Change the you to I and ask yourself this question at the end of each day.

 

So you in a job you dislike. What can you do to get a better paying job? Do you need to obtain a degree, if you have one what do you need to brush up on?

 

As for a man here's a technique that works for me. I make a list of what it is I'm looking for in a guy, and eventually he appears to me. Be as specific as you'd like. Character traits, Education, Height, etc. It really works so be careful what you wish for, oh and always include love (mutual love, something to make sure you love each other).

 

Remove killing yourself as an option. So you have to live, what is it you want to accomplish, how do you go about making it happen?

[chickidee23]

It is never too late to find someone to spend the rest of life with. And there is never a guarantee that you have taken all the different paths that there are- there are still ways to find happiness.

 

It seems to me like maybe if you took things one step at a time instead of trying to take leaps at a time, it might make things more bearable and reachable. Try going day to day and at the end of each day, take some time to sit back and think of one good thing that happened that day. If there is nothing you can think of, be sure to make it your goal the next day to MAKE something good happen.

 

When things are bad, it takes time for them to get better. But never forget that you are in charge of your own happiness. Everyone needs help, there's no denying that, but when it all comes down to it, people are better at disappointing you than being reliable for you- it's the unfortunate selfish nature of humans. So in the end, you are all you have so be good to yourself, be VERY good to yourself!!

 

If you ever need someone to give you some encouraging words, some sort of hope or just someone to listen to, I would be more than happy to oblige! Don't ever hesitate to PM me. Best wishes and you will be in my thoughts.

[Bethany]

The self talk in my mind is destructive, yet I can't get the voices to stop..

That is called " Playing the record" It is caused by introspection and mental fatigue i.e The more we think, the more tired our minds get, which causes our minds to think even more..

 

The physical and mental pain that I deal with every moment of every day, is over powering.

That is usually caused by the sustained fear that comes with the introspection and mental fatigue. You might even find at the bottom of your stomach a burning hot 'poker like' sensation which should be faced.

 

The walls that I have built over the past 30 years are so high and think, I can't break thru them.

That sounds very much like "Derealisation", where you feel like your living behind a glass wall or in an invisible bubble detached from everyone around you.

 

 

 

You sound to me as if you have been in a state of constant fear and anxiety for quite a while and you can and will be cured of those symptoms by book called "Self Help for your Nerves" by Dr Claire Weekes....

 

Hope has just arrived at your door, my friend.

[CrystalDawn]

Everyone would like to have a high paying job. You can find one, though usually it's your experiance and eduaction that matters. Don't be afraid to be aggressive and go for your dream job for you may just get it. Don't give up you still have alot of life left in you and you will meet someone that loves you for who you are. You can't fail compleatly unless you stop trying. Everyone here is here to listen and they will help you anyway they can. Take care of your self and don't be afraid of writting out your feelings on here. There are others your age that feel the same way. Who knows you may just meet that dream person on here too.

[beh700]

I can't decide what I need more.....love, acceptance, or death.

 

I understand how a lot of advice is repetitious, so i'll try to stay away from that. but i've always thought that if i never had any close attachments, such as family, it might be a great life refresher if i could just "start over." move to some place completely new, start a completely different job, take on a different personality (not different, i am shy. i think i am completely able to be out-going though. so maybe i would give that a go and see how people react).

 

this may be a naive plan, but i often think that one's environment changes so little over one's life time that people don't even realize that maybe their "well-thought-out" lifetime plan is the cause for their depression.

 

either way, if you chose death i think maybe just the image of what you dislike in yourself should die. and have a rebirth of some new things! i do not condone you giving up though. you have so much life to live.

 

and there is no such thing as an expiration to be able to love happy journeys!