Paying for the date???

[Bankers24]

So when you gals are out on first dates and the bill comes to the table, how do you approach offering to pay your half? I just don't know what to say to not make it too weird. What if the waiter asks if the bill will be separate? Do you let the guy answer? Also, guys it would be nice to hear what girls have said that was a good way of offering to pay her half.

 

Thanks everyone!!

[Batya33]

If the waiter asks if it will be separate checks I let the man answer if he invited me for the date and the place was either his idea or our mutual idea. If the man invited me and then asks for separate checks and he invited me on the date, I find that fairly rude.

 

When the check comes, I reach for my wallet and/or say "can I help with that please?" depending on his body language or behavior - i.e. if he takes the check quickly so that I can't see it at all and/or immediately gives the waiter his credit card I will say "can I help with that" or "what's my share" - or if he says he will get it "thanks so much - can I leave the tip?" depending on the size of the meal, the bill, etc.

 

If we meet for coffee and he asks me what I want (he will get up and wait on line, etc) I tell him, then open my wallet and say "here's [x] dollars" - if he insists I do not insist - I think it's discourteous to insist on paying for your own coffee and sends the signal that you are not that interested in him. If he cannot afford to buy me a $2 cup of coffee (I'm not the fancy coffee type) such that I would feel the need to insist that he not spend $2 on me, then honestly we probably are not a match.

 

If I know I am not interested in a second date, I insist strongly on paying my way to send the signal that I am not interested in a second date.

[Bankers24]

What if it is a date where you were set up by mutual friends so no one really did the asking? Should I insist on paying or should I just offer and see what he says? I guess that depends on how the date goes?

[Batya33]

If you were simply told by a friend where to show up - or I guess even if he called and said "so and so suggested we meet - sounds good- what works for you? it's not an official date. In that case I would presume that you are paying your own way and as soon as the check comes take out your wallet and say something on the light side like "ok, what's the damage" or "would you like to just split it?"

 

If he has already asked when he can see you again before the check comes then it's fine to treat it as if it is a real date in the sense of still offering but with less of a "presumption" if that makes sense.

 

In this case, I would suggest just meeting for coffee so that there is no real issue - anyone can buy anyone a cup of coffee whether a real date or otherwise.

[Bankers24]

We are double dating with the friend and her husband that set us up. They spoke with the guy they are setting me up with and they decided to go out for dinner and drinks. I have never spoken to the guy before and this will be the first time meeting. I am definitely going to offer to pay and fully expect to pay for my meal, I just wanted to make sure I didn't offend him or do it in a distasteful manner. It is much easier when it comes to the check if you are on a date alone. No one there to listen in on the convo or judge.

[thlst3]

I think you have the right idea/notion. Let him decide if the waiter ask if you want the bill to be split. Like you said, just offer when the check comes... if he insist on paying then let him pay. if the date went well, you can sneak in a line... "ok, i'll pay the next time we go out for dinner."

[Bankers24]

I like sneaking the line in if he insists on paying and I like him!! Gives him the go ahead to pursue things with me but doesn't say too much!! I love it!!!

[ghost69]

that's shady.

[Batya33]

I like sneaking the line in if he insists on paying and I like him!! Gives him the go ahead to pursue things with me but doesn't say too much!! I love it!!!

 

I would find that a bit too forward. Many men pay because they feel it's the "right" thing to do particularly if they've been introduced by a friend and don't want word to get back that they didn't pay.

[ghost69]

i did that recently. i shouldn't have paid. but she was so cute. if she thinks i'm going to pay all the time she is out of her mind though. she works too and i know she values her earnings.

[thlst3]

I don't think it's shady... it's a open invitation.

 

This happen to me recently and I thought it was a cute and sincere gester on the girl.

 

Actually, she tried to pay for our dinner when I went to the bathroom. That was sneaky.

 

If you're sincere and honest about your intention to pay, it's not shady.

[TheFoglifter]

I think the convention is that the man ALWAYS has to pay on the first date no matter what. I have heard of women who will offer to split the bill, but should the man say "OK", then he has failed her test. I think that is dishonest and manipulative, and I can see that the only way to avoid it is to always pay the first time.

 

I also agree that it is important to a man to set a tone that he is willing and able to pay, but does not want to start a pattern of being taken advantage of.

 

I have also heard women say that if they have an utterly miserable time, they will not allow him to pay her half, just as was said before, to say very clearly that she isn't interested in a second date.

 

In your case though, I suspect that the two men will split the check, since you are going on a double-date. It is a good idea to show up expecting to pay, and its good that you are willing to wait and see how they handle it so you don't offend.

[Jayar]

I never offer to pay on a first date, unless I don't have any intention of seeing the man again and then I INSIST on it. The first date (since in my case is ALWAYS initiated by the man) is always PAID by the man. JMO.

 

If he asked to split it, or put it on separate bills, I'd happily oblige, enjoy my meal, and then never see him again.

[Bankers24]

I don't think there is anything shady about it. The statement lets the guy know that 1) you are interesting in seeing him again 2) that you don't expect him to pay for you meal all the time nor do you want him to have that burden.

 

It just says it in a better way than coming out and stating that in plain english.

[ghost69]

I like sneaking the line in if he insists on paying and I like him!! Gives him the go ahead to pursue things with me but doesn't say too much!! I love it!!!

 

this is TOO shady. this is what i was saying is shady.

 

and i paid the other night, and she asked me to dinner. pfft, i blew that big time. i never do that. what was i thinking?

[Bankers24]

Why is that shady? I still don't get it? Maybe I am just dense. Are you saying that it sounds like the reason I would be asking him out again is because he paid for dinner?

[ghost69]

sorry, i read that wrong. the line is fine. i thought you said you like being sneaky when the check comes, something something. got lost in translation. my fault. i would usually pay for the first date. if it doesn't go anywhere, oh well. but i usually split the bill, even if dating. i don't have any kids, why should i start feeding two mouth and her save all of her money.

[Lansing]

ok.. Definitely offer to pay and mean it.. Just be like "how much should I chip in" or whatever.. just say something.. First date, maybe not as much as an issue but at least take out your wallet and then the guy can be like "oh, don't worry about it"... But, have money in the wallet in case he does want you to pay!!

 

I am seriously considering stopping to date a girl who has not made an effort to pay once in 4 dates... I think she has some messed up notions of the guy should always pay. I have tried bringing it up twice in a light hearted way....I am giving her one final chance... she is a student and her previous job wasn't a big "money maker", but, still.... I find it really rude and it is really starting to outweigh all of her positive aspects...

[Bankers24]

Sorry to hear that your date won't chip in for the meal. Maybe try going somewhere very inexpensive for the next meal incase money is the issue for her or suggest doing something that does not involve money like the park and see how she reacts. I totally agree that she should have at least offered by this point!!

[ghost69]

i don't date women that don't assist with dinners. i don't work for her.

[Batya33]

To me there's a difference between paying for someone as an employee and paying for someone out of a generosity of spirit. So, when you give someone a birthday gift, you "work" for them?

[ghost69]

that is different bat. on a date, both should pay. i don't work to date bums that can't feed themselves. a birthday gift is a gift. hence the word gift. when invited to a b-day party, you either go or you don't.

[Batya33]

Well, no, if a man invites me to be his date, it is presumed that he will pay. Same if I invited him. It is a gift from him - the invitation to accompany him on a date - whether it is dinner, a walk in the park, whatever. If we decide together to go on a date, sure we can split it or whatever works. Once I am dating someone regularly, that is typically what happens. Treating someone to dinner is not because the person can't afford to pay for her or himself -it's because you want to treat the person to dinner, period.

 

It also helps - at least for me- not to have the negative mind set you seem to that people are out to take advantage of your generosity. I treat my boyfriend, my friends - I don't keep score and if I truly thought people were "bums" I wouldn't bother socializing with them.

[ghost69]

it is presumed? pffft. you are the gift he has to pay for. hahhaa. that is funny. so he isn't a gift to you? if he asks you to go on a date, aren't you both deciding to go on a date?

[Batya33]

If he invites me to go on a date with him - particularly a first date, I am his guest on the date and he should pay or offer to pay. You and I just see it differently. For example, when I invite my boyfriend to be my date at a friend's wedding, I pay for our travel and for the wedding gift, etc. Now, after I've gone out with a guy a few times, he might still be inviting me on dates but at that point I am more comfortable taking turns paying. Many men I have dated don't like that idea - they want to keep treating most of the time or all of the time. So, I find other ways - i will buy the tickets to the movie in advance, buy him gifts, make dinner, etc.

 

Honestly, I can't relate to your attitude about dating - it seems suspicious of and somewhat hostile to womens' motives - I can't imagine that you have fun dating or enjoy spending time with women in dating contexts. In contrast, the men I have dated more than a few times treat me like a lady, seem reasonably trusting in general of women and comfortable with me, enjoy planning activities for us and enjoy treating me. It makes it a pleasure to date them and also a pleasure to treat them once we're dating more regularly (although I offer to pay my way by the second date at the latest).

 

This is also true of my friends and acquaintances. It's worked for me, since I'm described as being generous (with $, time, in spirit), fun, respectful, men enjoy my company (and I theirs), etc. I have no interest in taking advantage of a man's generosity, but nor am I going to stridently insist that we split the bill, that they let me treat exactly half of the time - I make it very clear that I am ready willing and able but as my boyfriend has said on many occasions, it makes him happy to treat me (I have gotten him to be comfortable with just about equal although it's probably 55-45, him-me) just like it makes him happy to give me the last piece of dark chocolate, etc.

 

I guess you can't relate to that. I can because I love giving to people - gifts, time, my shoulder - it makes me happy and if I ever suspect that I am being taken advantage of (rarely) it is obvious not just from the money side but from many different sides - like my time.

 

So, I am not here to suggest you change your attitude - I am just observing it and it is why we don't relate to each other's approaches to dating.