freindship advice

[TheRock]

Hello,

I have been wondering about this for a little while and I am not sure what to think about it. That is that as I grow older ( I am 37), it seems like my friends are growing more distant. In fact, many of them do not even seem like friends anymore. Some do not even bother to call at all. I am surprised because we used to be very good friends and talked regularly. I know life changes as people get married and have children. I remain single, but have a long-time girlfriend. It just seems weird to me. I wonder if I am not doing what is appropriate to maintain friendships. Also, I am feeling a little bit sensitive when I try to maintain a friendship and I feel the other person is not doing the same. All in all, it feels like I am slowly losing my friends.

Also, it feels like some of my friends are getting arrogant as they get older. I am not sure this is a perception of mine or the truth.

Any thoughts?

[yokeydokey]

I think friendships just naturally tend to lessen in intensity as people age. People have families and careers and the ever-deepening concerns that attend them. The close bond with buddies that you had as a kid, or in college even, is gradually replaced by the other concerns of life. It's just natural. I know guys who are my age and never married, and even though I am now divorced and live alone, I am still a family kind of guy and prefer to spend time with my girlfriend over my friends. Now, don't misinterpret me, but it has been my impression that mature adults (over age 30) who have never married nor are in a serious long-term relationship tend to have maturity issues which can put me off. I have experienced this several times, most recently with my 48-year-old never-married cousin when he came to visit. He's a great guy, but I just don't share his interest in strip joints, smoking dope, etc.

 

Just my $.02 worth.

[Celadon]

I've experienced the same thing. So I've tried to make new friends, and even that's hard because people tend to get into their comfort zones and aren't open to new people. Hard to tell you what to do, exactly. You're not married with kids, but neither do you fit in the singles category. I say that because sometimes life stage really does influence who befriend whom. People in the same life stage just have more in common.

 

I'd say if you're not getting back from your friends what you need, either talk with them about it or cut them loose and make new friends. Otherwise you'll start to feel bitter because they're not reciprocating.

[TheRock]

Yes, you both make good points. I kind of had an intuition towards these realities, but needed to hear someone else verbalize (or write) these thoughts as well. Thanks.

I accept these realities, but I miss the closeness of my old frienships still. I also had some major life changes that caused me to leave some friends behind. It was necessary though.

It is fun to make new friends however, and it is very interesting to learn about new people. I am always open to that. I used to have some people I felt I could truly depend on in tough situations. That is much less so today. It is just life I guess.

[Altruist]

I agree that its fun to make new friends but there are some old friends that one should strive to keep. Try to send them each at least an sms or an email once a month. You could invite them over for a get together once a year perhaps. If you re in your late thirties that could mean that most of your friends have teenage kids now. That may be the reason why they are quiet now.

As for arrogance, perhaps if the 'friend' has a problem with single older people then that could be a possibility. Others become arrogant if they strike gold in the cooperate world and decide that they are too high and mighty to be mingling with their perhaps not as successful old friends. In that case I would gladly stop all communication with such a person.

[Celadon]

Glad to help, TheRock. Also remember that people go through phases in life. Some of my college friends got opinionated and sarcastic as they got older, but now they've mellowed again and we're having a good time. I'm glad we've kept in touch because the good times are here again.