never want to date again...

[mintblossom]

i think i never want to date again. that sounds silly right? but dating isn't fun for me. it seems to start out happy and fun for a few days and then quickly disintegrates me into a mess of insecurity, hurt, upset, depression, disorganization, fear and clinginess. i literally break down into a mess....and want to stay in sweats and do nothing but mope.

 

my past relationships and crushes have brought me nothing but grief, despair, agony, and an intense wish that this had never happened. usually events out of my control happen and cloud anything good that ever did so much so that good memories and good lingering feelings dont even exist anymore.

 

i have met some wrong men and been fooled by others. it disgusts me and leaves me with less trust and faith in humanity as a whole. i find i am more balanced, centered, stronger, happier, calmer, and more secure without any dating or male relationships. men mess with my mind most likely because of the hormones. but after awhile i can't think clearly and i feel much stupider and dumber. it doesn't help that i've never found someone that truly cared about me who would stick up for me or stick around for me.

 

it made me wonder at how people can switch and date around so fast. i can't do it.....i just can't. each person i meet and feel attachment for, i value them as an individual and think their special. this gets my mind cloudy and me in trouble. especially if the person in question just does not give a damn about me. i am very loyal, very faithful, very honest, sincere and it's hard for me in a world where i feel men are not like that anymore. they just so quickly from girl to girl that i feel uncomfortable and i dont want to get close anymore. i dont want to be burned and broken anymore.

 

i don't want to be cheated on, lied to, backstabbed, tormented, emotionally wounded on purpose, manipulated, and destroyed. i don't want to turn into rubble so i think i will stay away from dating altogether. it's just not fun or rewarding in anyway. a 30 dollar steak dinner just cannot buy my soul.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Don't wanna date? Don't have to!

 

I'm ignorant in this field, but I will say you have the right to not date if you don't want to.

[mintblossom]

i just don't know how other people can do it. but for me it's best if i don't. i don't know how other people can handle the insecurity, unhappiness and heartbreak.

[quietgrl]

TD,

 

why are you 100% complaining about dating? I wish i has some(i mean some) of your dating issue.I never had one date in my life

[mintblossom]

i really don't think you want my issues. it has NOT been healthy for me meeting crappy men, having them be nice to me in the beginning, pretending to have my back, and then later setting me up, hurting me, abusing me, kicking me when im down, using me for sex, pressuring me for sexual favors, telling me lies about how beautiful and funny i am (i dont want to hear this if it's fake)......blah blah blah. GAHH!!

 

im pretty messed up because of it all. if there was a way to bleed it all out of me, i would. im angry, pissed off, bitter, depressed, incredibly disgusted, grossed out, emotionally wounded, mistrustful, aggravated, saddened, and vengeful. most of all, i want to FORGET. i sound like a broken record but i want to FORGET IT ALL. all the humiliation, backstabbing, embarrassment, every freaking thing.

 

but at least this has reminded me of how angry i am. angry i can handle. sad, regretful or remorseful is much much harder. now i just have to remember to stay in this mean mad state.

[scotty77]

What about those of us who never date and whose prospects of ever meeting anyone look extremely bleak? You seem like you have attracted the wrong type of man for you but those of us who never date can't seem to develop any kind of attraction at all with a member of the opposite sex.At least you have some experience .Not all men are alike ,what I wouldn't give for a meaningful relationship with some special woman.Perhaps you are only attracted to good looking,confident men .Those are the types who go from woman to woman.Whether or not I am good looking is irrelevant I just don't have the confidence,experience or social skills to meet and date a woman let alone go from girl to girl.If women complain because there are no good men out there it is likely because they are unwilling to consider dating average looking,shy not so confident men.

[spartacuse]

hi for all....

i think that dating is insecure matter , becuse u miss basically the original inner security , its due to the experinces of depression and traumatic past.

i think u must go inside this hrad task according to you... correct emotionaly the error inside u

best wishes

[icarus27]

teardrops,

 

I'm so sorry that you've had a hard time with men. Speaking as a proverbial "nice guy" who is not really successful with women, I sometimes wonder how it's the rubbish men who scar nice women like you until they lose all trust in the male sex ... and that's when even the nice guys don't stand any chance. It's sad.

 

Although it seems to you like everything's over, it isn't. You don't have to give up dating forever, but what you could do, and feel proud of yourself for doing, is making a conscious decision to take "me" time ... nurse yourself back to a stronger state of physical and mental wellbeing. Just take time out ... do things with single friends, if slushy love songs come on the radio, change the station ... do whatever it takes to maintain a calm frame of mind. In time, you'll begin to feel better. Screw these idiot guys for the time being. What's important is *you*.

 

Keep the hope that when you're better, good things will start to happen in your life. You won't have to struggle for them so hard either.

 

Best wishes.

[Locke2121]

Teardrops.....hun you have had so much compared to me! I've had one girlfriend in my life..just one. You have experinced things that I may never know. That makes you very special in my book

 

Always meeting crappy men you say? Where do you go to find them? It may be that you need a change in venue. You need to go to places where crappy men don't hang out.

 

Its also a good idea to change your views on what type of man you want. If your dating young guys, maybe you should start looking at slightly older, more mature men. If your into pretty boys, may I suggest the slightly plainer guy next door?

 

Speaking for all those guys next door, I'm sure that many of them would kill to meet someone who is interested in more than a one night stand...its up to you to fulfill those dreams!

 

Please don't give up, please?

[Batya33]

I am sorry you've had bad experiences and of course it's not necessary to date if on balance you don't see the benefits.

 

If you do decided to date again, you need to face that often you are not the victim - other than of your own neediness - often you willingly choose to be with these men and choose to get attached (out of your inner depth or neediness? only you can decide that for yourself). In part you are choosing to get attached to these men early on -- you've owned pairs of socks longer than you've taken to get to know these men, I bet.

 

Some men lie (like some women do!), some men are players, users, whatever - but you play a part in it too. You can greatly decrease being the victim by developing a thicker skin and a fuller life such that until you are dating someone at least a few months, he has asked you to be exclusive after knowing you at least a few months (go ahead and be exclusive early on - my point is that that won't reflect the two of you really knowing each other yet), and where his actions back up his words.

 

You can't know if his actions back up his words until at least a few months of consistent dating - not to be cynical but even the most well-intentioned person isn't going to be comfortable letting it all hang out in the first month and besides, in one month the typical life situations - bad day at work, bad headache, family issues, "boys nights out", vacation time, etc likely are not going to happen yet so you won't get to see different sides of the person.

 

You play a role in this - you choose to let these men get into your life right away -- a man who is looking for a serious relationship might welcome that "have all of me, heart and soul" attitude (after all, I know of married couples who had sex on the first date, got engaged within three weeks, eetc) but more often, the man who welcomes that is more focused on the thrill of the chase and the initial intensity. A man who is serious about you wants to make sure that things don't burn out fast and while he might say lovely things and treat you like a lady, he is careful to pace himself including sexually.

 

The needier you are for someone to "have your back" and the more vulnerable you are to words that are not (yet) backed up with actions, the more you will feel like a victim - because you go into it being a victim of your own neediness.

 

I am not saying to be cynical - I am not cynical but I am self-protective - even with new friends. I enjoy the flattery and attention, sure, but I don't allow myself to get drawn in by it to the extent you do - where I believe right away that they "have my back" - I keep my busy life going full speed, making time for the new man once a week in the beginning, a few phone calls per week - so that I get to know him in perspective - get to integrate him at a reasonable pace so that I can see how he acts in different situations, etc.

 

I don't put much stock in the "sweet" things, I don't sleep with him before we've been dating at least a few months - often longer - and until we are exclusive with serious potential for marriage. None of the men I slept with used me, most of them wanted to marry me. I could have been used by several who I was smitten with from the get go, but I kept to my personal standards and those who were just in it for sex (which is fine, just not my style) quickly stopped calling. In almost all cases I didn't get attached because I hadn't yet decided if they were worthy of my being completely vulnerable to them.

 

Absolutely to be close and intimate you have to let your guard down, you have to be vulnerable - but you can do that at a reasonable pace, a bit at a time so that you take care of you first and foremost - when the man sees you taking care of you, he doesn't worry that you're not getting close fast enough, he respects that you're reasonably selective about who you let in. He might still be full of compliments and gushing - but not in a manipulative way.

 

I dated someone a few times about two years ago. He told me on our fourth date that as soon as he met me (through an on line dating site) he knew just from the way I carried myself and spoke that I wasn't the type to jump into bed right away - he didn't mean that I was uptight - he meant that I seemed confident and had self respect. I am not saying you do jump into bed right away- I don't know - but think about whether you carry yourself in a way that is appealing to men who want to control you rather than be with you in a serious relationship?

 

I don't always feel confident on a first date - often I am nervous, but I carry myself "as if" I am to remind myself that I am not there to impress him while he sits back and evaluates me - he has to impress me too, treat me with respect and like a lady - and that can only happen over a period of time not by whispering sweet things in my ear and being a great kisser on the first few dates.

[ghost69]

i've hooked up with a lot of chicks. i've had only like 3-4 serious gfs out of the many women i've known. these are ones worthy of meeting my mom. i wish i could take a lot of them back and have not hooked up with them (the non-gfs). stupid days. anyways, i still give it a shot.

[mintblossom]

I have made so many mistakes. Each time I say....no more mistakes....I'm going to make good choices in men. Then something horribly abusive/creepy/hurtful happens. So now I say....no more dating. No more. No no no. Can't do this. Not willing to go through this anymore.

[quietgrl]

teardrops,

 

The key to dating is make a list of what you want and need in a relationship and stick by it. A man who wants the same thing as you on your list will stay and a man who doesn't want what you want on your list will make you play games to keep him.

 

 

Another thing don't believe this crap that all man needs to chase your butt or he'll lose interest in you because if a man wants a woman it doesn't matter who does the chasing.

 

The best advice for women who are dating is listen to men when they tell you about their past dating and relationship history.I wouldn't delay havng sex with men until you know a man past.

 

teardrops, you have every right to feel bitter about dating because you and men let yourself down.Ok! yell ,scream,cuss,take a break from dating and then regroup but much stronger.

[ghost69]

be picky. this usually works.

[Batya33]

The flaw in the argument "if a man wants a woman it doesn't matter who chases" is it presumes (1) that a man's wanting a woman is immutable and isn't impacted by the woman's actions/reactions; and (2) presumes that either person needs to "chase." With respect to (1) it is very easy for a person's initial impression (he/she is cool!) to change to "he/she is needy/clingy/weird in a bad way" if the woman does most of the initiating, calling and planning in the beginning, if she wears her heart on her sleeve in the first five minutes, if she calls too much/texts too much out of "please! pick me, pick me!!" Same is true for the woman's interest level. I have been very interested in men at first - great first meeting, great first date - only to have the man act reallllyyyy clingy and I am turned off and typically it's hard to get turned back on again.

 

Second, there should be no chasing - the man (in my opinion) should do more of the initiating, calling and planning in the beginning (assuming the couple is in their late 20s or older -not sure what the younger set is comfortable with) but he should by no means "chase" because the woman should respond with enthusiasm and appreciation for his initial efforts.

 

As my close friend used to say, exasperated with the dating world "if you sneeze wrong on the first date they're turned off - no going back!" That's a bit of an exxageration but the initial dates can be a fragile time - the man might be all into you but it is easy for that to change if you do not let him do more of the initiating - or even if you're a 50/50 person, if you let your smittenness get the best of you and turn you into an insecure pile -o-mush who keeps calling and asking things like "you're not going to use me like the others, right? you like me, right?" or similar.

[Luke Skywalker]

I have made so many mistakes. Each time I say....no more mistakes....I'm going to make good choices in men. Then something horribly abusive/creepy/hurtful happens. So now I say....no more dating. No more. No no no. Can't do this. Not willing to go through this anymore.

 

But it's a cycle of addiction. You are saying this now, but in a while you'll need to do this again because you'll have a craving for a man again in your life to chase after you, woo you, etc.... I think they call it love-sex addictin or some variant.

 

People who regret a cycle the most are prone to repeat their actions again, perhaps you are just at a low point of the cycle. Maybe you are in denial right now, but within a few weeks, we shall see how strong your resolve really is to stop dating.

[Batya33]

be picky. this usually works.

 

That only works if you believe you are worthy of being selective - it's easy to say "be picky" and easy to tell someone what to be picky about, but if they don't feel worthy, they will be vulnerable to someone who does not have their best interests at heart.

[ghost69]

worthy of being selective? somebody will take advantage cause they are vulnerable? not when you are picky.

[Batya33]

What I meant was it is not possible to be picky in the positive sense of the word - selective of who you get close to/allow into your life without having a sense of reasonable or high self-worth so your advice to "be picky" wouldn't be effective unless she has a good sense of self worth to begin with.

[ghost69]

agreed. be conscienscious with your pickyness.

[quietgrl]

Batya,

 

Come on girl ,we have to be honest with our fellow women again.You're telling women to play dating games instead of being themselves .Women who have feeling for a man should sit back and let a man lead.Games playing!!!!!!.Anytime a woman isn't honest with her feeling with a man(crush,friend, etc) after getting to know him is game playing.

 

We all know there are 2 types of men in this world, ones who want to be chase by women and men who don't want to be chase by a woman period.Women need to be themselves when it comes to dating men and stop playing this " let the man chase me " game( the rules). A man who wants you, will NEVER care if you chase him .It's only men who do care about the chase who will turn a woman down.

 

Women need to realize it's not all about the chase because if a man doesn't want you, he doesn't want you so move on.

 

Baysa, we're both right on this dating issue but you're representing "don't chase" men side and i'm representing women who chase men. I can mention love stories where the women chase a man and they're happily married and i'm sure you can do the same.We're both right and women should know that.

[carbon]

Quietgrl, if a man were interested in a woman, why would she have to chase him in the first place? Shouldn't the calls come evenly from both parties?

[Batya33]

As I've posted to you before, I do not advocate "sitting back" - that is you twisting my words again(please stop, thanks!) and letting the man "lead" and I do not advocate playing games. I do advocate not giving in to the insecure feelings that typically come with smittendom and instead reminding yourself to give him the space to get to know you at a comfortable pace and to let him do more of the calling, planning and initiating in the beginning.

 

I can be honest with my feelings and not share those with the man in question - that is not game playing -that is smart and it is self protective. Until I have been dating the man for awhile, and we are more of a couple, there is no reason for me to tell him I am infatuated or think about him all of the time - that's called verbal diahrrhea and that's called overwhelming a new man in your life which is selfish and unfair to him and sabotaging of the relationship. Rather, I respond with interest and enthusiasm when he asks me out on a date, I am a good friend and listener and I am honest in all I say and do.

 

Deciding to be cautious in sharing my feelings is me taking care of me - it is not dishonest. Not sure where in the world you get the idea that in order to be honest we have to share all our feelings at all times. If I am interested in a man, he will know that from my responses to him and my reactions - that is enough until we are a couple and until I feel comfortable opening up completely to him. Most people I know are wary of those who spill their guts right away - makes them feel like "hmm - if they are doing this with me I guess I'm not special - he/she probably does that with everyone.

 

If a man asks me if I am interested in him, I will tell him yes if that is the answer. I will reveal more about myself over time, as we get closer and when it makes sense.

 

I don't believe anyone should chase anyone and I know of no happy marriages or even happy long term relationships where the woman did most of the initiating, planning and calling - if you do, good for you!

 

Just to be clear - I am not on the "don't chase men" side of the issue you created. And I am not saying I am right - if you want to say you are "right" go right ahead. I just give my opinions based on what worked for me and what worked for everyone I know - numbering in the hundreds. People can take it or leave it. What about you? Since you believe you are "right" has your approach worked for you - and if not, why not? And if not, why the insistence on being "right?"

 

So, please don't twist my words and then write that I am advocating game playing - to me, that's a game that you play.

[quietgrl]

Quietgrl, if a man were interested in a woman, why would she have to chase him in the first place? Shouldn't the calls come evenly from both parties?

 

 

I can say the same for a women letting a man chase her.Carbon, me and batsy are both right about women and men chasign eachother. Any person who say we're not don't know nothing about dating.

[quietgrl]

Batya ,

 

It's ok, we're havng an honest debate about dating " should a man chase a woman or should a woman chase a man " .We're both right and WE know it but sometimes people's mind take things too personal and people can't stick to honest opinon so they go to personal name calliing instead of staying on topic..It happens to the best of us in a debate batya, we know both side of the chase debate is right but pride gets in the way of giving credit to the other person(me).I understand that you can't separate business and pleasure but as long as both side of the chase debate is heard.The information is out there.Which is a good thing? The bottom line is we have to be honest in a issue and don't let our personal feeling cloud a debate. We can't mix business with pleasure when we talk to people who have opposite opinion then our own..I didn't on this topic with you.