It shouldn't be like this

[royksopp]

Hello.

My Situation I'm right now in a relationship for 2 months. I know it's not that much. I mean we're both 18 years old. Anyway, we used to be friends and then we started liking each other and we decided to go out to see how it'll go. At first we both thought it would be like a Friends With Benefits relationship, but no, we started to like each other more and more every time and now we can call this a serious and official relationship.

I'm the kind of girl of mind over heart. I don't like falling in love and getting hurt, and I'm not dumb and stupid in relationships meaning that I do not let a guy do whatever he wants with me. My dignity comes first than anything. I think I've never fall in love because I've never let it happen. Every time I feel I'm liking someone very much, I usually block myself and try not to feel anything more for the person. And this is what happening to me right now with the guy I'm dating.

I'm scared, I guess. He's just like me in a guy version, me being much more in defense on falling in love. He usually tells me he's just letting things happen by its own and that he won't block himself and he wants me to do the same. But it's hard for me. Even more if he disappoints me and hurts me. His intentions are not hurting me or disappoint me, I think. He's really honest and he won't lie to me to make me feel better, and I like that, but I guess truth hurts sometimes.

 

The Prob

I've never found any problems against those who smoke weed or do drugs. I'm very open-minded about that, until now. I knew my boyfriend smokes weed and does drugs before I went out with him, and I didn't care at all. It's his life and I like him how he is and I'm no one to try to change him. But it's affecting me. He's smoking too much now and I found it not acceptable anymore. In fact, it disappoints me so much, HE disappoints me so much. It's a big let down for me now. And I'm trying so hard to accept him how he is, and accept his habits of smoking weed because I like him, and I want to be comfortable with everything he does, but it's so hard and it hurts, it hurts so much knowing he won't ever change for me, not that I would ever ask him to change for me because I don't want him to change, I mean, I would love for him to stop smoking but I know he won't and I won't ask him to stop. I don't want him to change for me, He won't change for me. He already told me he won't change for me and it hurts.

 

VENTING

It hurts because I'm not enough for him to change? I've told him few times this, about the disappointment and how it affects me, and you know? he tells me that if I don't like him for who he is, then I shouldn't be with him and this hurts me because I'm trying so hard to accept him how he is even though it affects me sooo much, and he tells me this and it hurts, IT HURTS SO MUCH. Am I not enough for him? Doesn't he care about my feelings? about how much harm he's making me? About how much he hurts and disappoints me? It hurts! How can I let myself fall in love with him without being scared, if he doesn't even think of me. I'm not saying he has to stop smoking (I wish, though) because I know he won't, but maybe he could talk to me and tell me he'll try his best to lower down or anything, but instead he tells me that if he slows down he won't do it for me, that he'll do it for him. Maybe he's right, but doesn't he think of me and how I feel? If he does it for him, he's doing it for me, too, but that isn't his intention. Doesn't he care about me? I'm so sad lately, and hurt, and disappointed, and I know I'm the kind of mind over heart strong girl with invisible barriers to protect myself from getting hurt, but I like this guy, I like him so much and even though it hurts I don't want to leave him, but there's always a limit.

And sometimes I think I'm too much for him, and why should I be with someone who depends on smoking weed? That cares more about his weed than about his girlfriend's feelings? Bout how his actions hurt me? How his words make my heart break into 1000 pieces just when he says "I won't change for you, so if you don't like me then leave me." Someone who cared about someone wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that to him, because I wouldn't want him to leave me. If you say that it's because you really don't care about being or not being with the other person, because maybe I could've answer him "I don't want to be with you and I want to leave you" and he wouldn't mind.

I shouldn't be with him, but I am, because I care about him this much and knowing he doesn't care about me as I do, hurts me. It breaks my heart.

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I think you are hurting for a couple of reasons, well two reasons that jump out at me. I am sure there are more reasons but here are the two main ones...

 

One, he doing something that hurts you, knowing full well it hurts you and he has not made one shredded effort to stop or cut back. True, you knew he smoked before you decided to get together but still. His attitude is a bit disappointing. It is so cut and dry.

 

The second main reason I feel you are hurting so much is because you are going against your better judgement here, you are going against what you have envisioned in a romantic partner and because of that, your needs are not being met at all. That causes quite a bit of pain. Your mind and heart are not in the same place right now.

 

I dated a guy in the past whom smoked a lot of pot and yes, I knew about it before I got into the likes of him. But when he did it around me, it hurt because he knew I was straight and I was not too hot on it, but did it anyway. That hurt. I finally realized he is not the one for me. I don't want to date a person whom uses elicit drugs. I am not against folks whom use them, it is that I do not want to have it around me or have a romantic relationship with someone whom does. It is a personal choice.

 

I know this is something you do not want to hear or have probably heard it before, you are young, 18. It is my belief you will experience more than this relationship throughout your life. It is time to define your boundries and STICK to them!! I know it will hurt but boundries are about having respect for YOURSELF. If you cannot respect yourself first then no one will. This guy you are with certainly does not IMO.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. You are right, you cannot change him. That is up to him. Time to rethink matters and see if this is something you want to live with. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

(((hugs)))

[ghost69]

don't let him influence you to start. do not join in to be with this guy.