Can she love me again?

[hurtnurse]

I dated a girl for over a year and things were going really well. We had problems sometimes but I thin kit was all a part of figuring each other and ourselves out. Things finally ended and I have been heartbroken for the past four months. There was no big incident that led into the break up, in fact she was with me through the toughest part of my life ever. I thought if we made it through that, we would make it through anything.

 

Then we broke up. I asked er if she could see us long term and she said she couldn't. I thought this was just another phase we were going through but I was obviously wrong. At the time, she was just finishing school, was getting a new job 45 minutes away 9she still lives in town but commutes) and I think was dealing with a lot of the small problems we had throughtout our time together.

 

I was surprised that she started dating someone almost immediately from work and was absolutely crushed. I couldn't for the life of me understand how things could have gone from so good...to so bad. I had stopped partying on the weekends, I was getting my life back on track and I loved every minute I was with her...then all of the sudden...done. And she couldn't talk to me or anything. I was devestated.

 

It is four months later and although I am 100 times better about the situation, I recently talked to her, and she still hasn't resolved anything in her head. She is seeing things I am doing as trying to stay in her life when in fact, I am just living my own way and have only talked to her twice in the last month and a half...only one time about relationship stuff. I really want another chance and am trying to do everything I can to continue leading a good life. I am still not drinking, I will be starting a new job as a nurse this summer and everything else seems to be lining up for me. I don't understand why she still needs to stay so far away.

 

When I talked to her last, I felt like she still had a lot of emotions and was maybe a little confused about them herself. Am I making it up that I still think she cares a great deal for me? Am I stupid to think that we have a chance of falling in love again?

[DizzyDoris]

I dont think you're stupid. just still in love with her and hanging on with every hope. I feel for you, i think we've all been there at some point in our lives. I know i have.

 

Maybe you'll never know why, but it sounds like her feelings for you changed and she simply isnt the one for you. Dont try and second guess her emotions, and over analyse the things she says to you, because it sounds as if she is trying to let you down gently to me.

 

You've done really well for four months, thats great that you haven't gone back to your old habits and you have a new career to look forward to. From experience on/off relationships dont work out for me, i only go forwards and onwards now! never go backwards. Look to the future, all sounds bright for yours x

[hunnyicious]

Hurtnurse, if you really love her, have the courage to to let go of her 'coz she's not yours anymore. Sometimes it's not how beautiful the feeling is to be in love.. but how it makes you unselfish.. So, let go and move on...

[terk2021]

What you are going through is very tough. Is there a chance at love? Anything is possible. For now, I would try and close this chapter in your life. It's very difficult to do. Most of us on this board have been through it. She may come back into your life down the road, but you should move forward as though she is not.

 

The wondering if she may come back and you have a shot is going to make things harder on yourself.

[hurtnurse]

It is really tough...it's the hardest thing I have ever done. Even harder than quitting drinking. Whenever I try to put the idea of us being together sometime in the future out of my head, I feel like I am giving up. I know we were in love and know that she still cares about me...she told me just a week and a half ago. So with that knowledge, I am worried that I am abandoning love. I am not putting my life on hold for her, but I feel like if I give up in the idea entirely I will be giving up on a real love.

[hunnyicious]

It will still be your decision Hurtnurse.. if you think you wanna give it a shot then go! why hold back? But then was it really real love, anyway? Why is then when you asked her if she could see your relationship long term she said "she couldn't"?? or she's just not sure about you? or with herself? Talk things over. I'm sure you don't wanna have "what if's and "regrets" in the future. Just be sure you're ready to take the consequences...

But for me.. it's better to have nobody than somebody who is half yours, half there or DOESN'T want to be there, or is there and then suddenly disappears... You should know... It's hard to endure the pain of a broken heart.

[hurtnurse]

When she told me that she couldn't see us longterm...I think she had decided that I would never change and that she needed someone more mature that I was. Since then...with quitting the party life, redirecting myself, and doing a lot of gereral "growing up." I really feel that the other great things in our relationship are worth looking at again.

 

I didn't see how much it was hurting her until after the break up. Since then I have been doing nothing but leading a better life. It is the reason I think she stayed in the relationship even through the tough times before.

 

I just wonder how much time away from a relationship like ours a person can stand before it goes away forever. If she really wanted never to have me back in her life I feel like she would have said that instead of telling me that she could maybe do that after having worked past the hard times from our relationship that she has kept in her head.

[ancatdubh]

I'm so sorry. I went thru a the same thing last year with someone I had been with for almost 6 years. I'll give you the same advice everyone gave me - move on. Moving on is not giving up... it does nothing to diminish your chances of reuniting. In fact it improves your chances. Continue to make the positive changes you have been making. I was convinced that I'd never be happy without her or with someone else. Now I am exactly that. The person you need to get back is yourself.

 

Best of luck to you...

[Altruist]

You need to let go hurtnurse. She has signalled in the most considerate way that she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. THe best thing is to stop calling her and get on with your life. I kow it hurts when you love someone but they do not love you back.

The thing to do now is to try and analyze what you did in the relationship that turned her away from you so that in future relationships you will not repeat the same mistake.

Perhaps you spent too much time with her and forgot that you have a life. This can be suffocating to a woman. Talking too seriously about the future early on can also freak a woman out.

[hurtnurse]

well, I thank you for the advice and am doing pretty well now actually. The weekend was good and I am doing well with the seperation. I don't think we talked about the long term too early but I think you are right in the suffocating part. It has been looking back that I realize that I was doing a lot of that. But that is where my question is coming from. Can she love me again? I want her to be able to grow out of what we had like I have. I feel like whoever I am supposed to end up with will benefit from what I have learned from us but I don't want to discount my ex from the pool of women that that may be.

 

It is difficult because right now, I feel like I am the one who has moved more past the past. Since she has emotions still wrapped up in it, I am curious if there might still be feelings for me in there that would be looked at sometime in the future. I did suffocate her a lot but only because I lost touch with a lot of my old friends while we were together. I didn't have the outlet for a lot of the energy I have and I think it just got to be too much. So that's again why I am curious... Can she love me again?