What to do about this

[iceman85]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I guess it is most appropriate for this question.

 

I cut off contact with my ex back in October, held strong and didnt talk to her until she contacted me in late November, we had a good talk, then a fight a few days later. Again I went NC, she contacted me on Valentines Day and then I believe 2 other times recently. Now its not like we talk about anything involving us. I just found it a bit strange the timing of her contact.

 

I just want to know what I should do from here. I've been doing alot better, but part of me still cares about her and I dont want to fall back into what I was doing when this all first started. My thought so far was to just allow her to contact me if she feels like it.

 

Thanks for all your help once again.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, this is a slippery slope. if you are really over her and want to be friends, and both feel that way and only experience positive feelings, but no longing or loss, then that is fine...

 

but the timing with valentine's day may mean she is lonely or nostalgic, or is considering starting things up again.

 

what do you really want from her? i think you need to ask yourself that and when you know the answer, then act accordingly... just be careful not to assume that this is an attempt on her part to get back together, unless you have talked to her and learned that she feels the same way.

 

and ask yourself some hard questions like, what if she doesn't want to get back together? will being friends with her set you back in your healing, prevent you from looking for new people, make you sad whenever you re-experience the fact that you are no longer dating? and how likely is the relationship to be good if you do get together, or just more of the same? and is an attempt at friendship healthy for both of you, or just hanging on to the past because it is familiar?

 

i think if you really look very hard at your own motivation, then hers, you will be more certain of what you need to do... not always the same for everybody, but it is best to try to be fully aware of decisions made at this point, so you don't derail your own healing or make a wrong choice.

 

sometimes people do get back together, but a lot of times it's just more of the same things that broke you up to begin with, and you have to start all over again with the healing if the 'friendship' doesn't work out...

[friscodj]

Hey ice!

 

I have been following your situation from post #1, as you know.

 

The same thing is happening all over again my friend. She has you by the balls. Listen to yourself, "you were doing great until she contacted you." She's in control like it has been all along.

 

You say you don't want to fall back into what you were doing when this all started, so don't. You were trying to make distance so do it. You're in the driver's seat here Ice. You want to keep moving on? It sounds like it so do it.

 

Ignore the contact and she will either go away or step up her efforts and show you something real, something more than passing contacts when she is likely lonely and wanting the support and comfort she wants from the situation like you gave her in the past without regard for your own well-being.

 

I know the story between you guys very well. You are not ready to be friends yet and chasing hopes for reconciliation will lead you right back to where you started I think.

[heloladies21]

Well since this is in the "getting back together" forum and by your words in your post, i can still tell that you still have way too high of an emotional attachment to even be accepting calls from her right now. You need some complete NC so that you can regain control of yourself, then you can address the situation later. Once you're ready, you can cpntact her and clarify her intentions, but all of this dancing around the issue is getting you nowhere but a lot of speculation, false hope, and wasted time.

[iceman85]

Well the thing is I am much much better suited to handle this than when I was talking with her before. We had complete no contact which was initated by me since October, save for that time around Thanksgiving she contacted me. Shes not a phone person so this is all via AIM.

 

I dont think she has me by the balls. I do not initiate conversation with her, when she initiates it I will talk to her, mainly about whats going on with her, I really dont mention too much about myself. Actually I usually end the conversation and I think that may have ticked her off last time because I told her I was going to go watch a movie and she gave the response that she used to when she didnt like something "fine, bye". So its not like im hanging on her every word like I was before.

 

I can walk away now, it doesnt get me all emotional like before. However, like I did say, deep down inside I feel for her still, but I am not letting that control my actions. You are all right, I couldnt be friends with her, I dont know if I ever can.

[Mavis VDSande]

I think she's possibly curious (but nothing more) - you say she contacts you via AIM because she's not a phone person. So did she contact you on Valentines via AIM? If so, would she be checking to see that you weren't offline on a date or some such?

 

If you were nowhere to be found on AIM, would she ever phone you? If she wouldn't then I would think about whether this could work.