Worried about losing brother/friends

[Alex84]

I am 22, and have been with my girlfriend (lets say Alice) for 3 years now. We have more than our fair share of fights, and im not 100% sure i want to be with her for the rest of my life. That being said, i have one big issue, and would like your advice.

 

My brother, who is important to me, has a girlfriend (lets say Chloe) of 2.5 years who my partner does not like. My brother and his girlfriend frequently talk about the future together. Alice does not like Chloes friends either, because I used to have a history with one of them, nothing serious. The problem doesnt stop here. My 3 closest friends are becoming quite friendly with Chloes friends. Not to the point where relationships will form, but just friends.

 

My problem is that my friends are now hanging out with my brother and these girls, and i am in the unfortunate position that I can not go along without causing trouble.

 

Ive tried explaining, but that doesnt work. Apparently if they are my friends they will make time for me without these girls. Fair call, and i dont want to see these girl, but i dont want to limit myself to when i can see three good mates. I dont want to loose three good friends and not be close with my brother, and at the same time Alice is important to me, but she is causing the issue. What would you do?

[Stu147]

Hey Alex,

 

In my opinion your girlfriend is being unreasonable in her demands of you and is acting a little unsecure. She is not displaying the most trust in you. Just because she doesn't like your brother's girlfriend is not enough reason to ban you from seeing your brother and your friends. That is selfish and immature. And similarly, just because you have a little history with one of these girls doesn't mean you are going to jump into bed with her.

 

If I were in your position I would explain to my girlfriend that, whilst I love her very much, I also love my brother and I need my best friends around me. I would tell her that I will not overdo the time I spend with them, and will make sure she always comes first (unless in a emergency) but that it's important for me to have some 'me time' with the guys.

 

To be honest, if she completely shunned that point blank then I wouldn't stand for it, and would accept the consequences of that. She is supposed to be your partner, on equal terms, not your boss or legal guardian. She is not looking after your best interests in this case, more her own selfish insecurities.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's a bad person. Just that she is being too controlling with you and unreasonable. And I would advise you to stand up for yourself, politely and respectfully and with sensitivity, but make a stand.

 

I wish you all the best with this...

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Alex,

 

I would never let a partner make me choose between him/her and my family. I think that's so sad, and wrong.

 

I'm a bit biased, because my brother died a few years ago, and I wish with all my heart that he was still alive. A relative to get old with, who you love and who knew you as a child and where you're from - too precious to give up becasue of some girlfriend's attitude, if you ask me.

 

I would talk to her openly and honestly about this if I were you - your girlfriend is the issue. What exactly is the problem? What is she willing to do to get over this problem, because not seeing your brother is not an option. If she is unwilling to compromise or work out a solution - hmmm, I would question the relationship to be honest. Make her part of the answer, give her the responsibilyt for making it work.

 

GOod luck - it's a tough issue, but I would strongly say that you should maintain your family relationships, rather than give up because of your girlfriend's dislikes.

[ghost69]

i would never let a girl come between my good friends or a brother. no way. friends last forever no matter what. unless they are horrible friends. any woman that gets with me will HAVE TO understand that or hit the road.

[QuestSanity]

I have a similar situation. Its a major pain in the a** I can

tell you. Because every time my partner gives me grief about

the people I spend time with, Im forced to do the calculation

that, hey, if I give up these other people that Ive known and

loved for years before I met you, what would

I be getting in return from you? Makes me feel

horrible and selfish, but its real. When I weigh the benefits

of my lifetime with my brother or an old friend up to date, against

the benefits of somebody who stresses me out for something so small

Im forced to conclude that my partner just doesn't add up. And every

time she brings it up I can feel myself drawing away a little more.

And it just hardens my position more. Maybe, over time as she realizes

that Im not going to change, she'll probably draw away as well. Sad.

[ghost69]

never rid of your true friends.