In need of a little advice...

[rpare001]

So heres my issue, and while I've been talking with my friends about it I feel I could use a little more objective advice. Its a bit of a long story so bear with me, I feel I need to give you all a little background information first.

 

Back in September I began dating this girl, I sent her a love letter and labeled it from "your secret admirer." She didn't think it was me but thought I knew who it was so she was trying to get it out of me and after a few days I told her. We dated for about a month and it was definitely one of the best times of my life. However she always said she never wanted to be in an official relationship with me or anything, because of bad things that had happened to her in the past, which I completely respected (she has been raped before and she has a lot of issues regarding verbal and physical abuse with her mom among other things). Well, in early October, all of a sudden she told me that she just wanted to be friends. Now I lived with one of her best friends from high school (which was how we met originally) about a couple of hours down the highway. She invited us up to her apartment that weekend for some big party her roommates were throwing. At the party she invited over another friend, whom I had not met before. I then had to watch her literally hook up with this guy in front of my eyes, and then the next day when I went home, I logged on to facebook to find out that they were now dating, less than a week after she broke things off with me. When I asked her about it, and told her how hurt I was that night at the party, she replied by saying "oh well, I'm sorry but I was really drunk." It was an awful time for me, I felt like I had been used and lied too, since she said she never wanted a relationship, yet in one night started one with this guy. So we didn't talk for about a month, and then slowly started talking sporadically in late November. In early December she then called me and literally begged me to take her back. As it turns out the guy she had been dating had really mistreated her. Since I still had feelings for her, and I had pretty much forgiven her for that night at the party I took her back. I went off to visit my parents in December for Christmas, and we emailed each other nearly every day. In January when I got back, I moved to a new town to start graduate school, and we are now a lot closer, about 1 and a half hours as opposed to 3 hours apart. We spent several amazing weekends together, she came and helped me move into my new apartment, but then things started to go downhill. Eventually, in early February, I asked her about the whole relationship thing, and she said because of what happened earlier in October that she didn't feel like she was worthy of being my girlfriend, and that considering everything that has happened to her that I need to give her space, giving me all the same stories she had before. She calls me several times every day, often whenever she has a free moment. I don't want to go into details but I feel like I do a lot for her, and I feel like I've had to endure more than should have been asked of me. Also, because of what happened between us originally, I really really just want a bit more commitment and security, in terms of our relationship. Every time I bring it up she flips it around and I end up having to apologize to her for being so selfish.

 

Am I wrong to want a little more from her? To want some security? I really do have strong feelings for her but I also feel like I deserve a little better than what I am getting. Although she calls me all the time, we hardly ever get to see one another anymore, every time I ask if we can spend some time together she always says no unless I almost beg her. I feel like I need something more, emotionally speaking, from her, but I'm afraid to tell her that because I know that in the end I'll only end up apologizing to her. She always says "considering everything thats happened to me," but I feel like for once she should consider everything that has happened to me instead. I have thought about just ending things between us, but I'll admit I'm just afraid of being alone, or rather being without her, and not receiving what little affection I do get from her.

 

Well, anyways, I feel that I not only wanted to seek advice but wanted to vent a little as well. I really am open to any suggestions, I've posted on this board before about 2 years ago and got some great advice, thank you all in advance.

[Dating Coach]

If you stand for less than you deserve then you are being a pushover and a woman will mistreat you and lose respect for you. The only way to avoid this is to stand up for yourself even if doing so means ending the relationship for good.

 

This is the single most hardest thing in relationships and people fail at this all of the time. They stick around despite the mistreatment... which is sad because tolerating that disrespect is what causes the disrepect to continue. The only way to stop it is to make it stop... even if that means breaking up forever.

[Daligal83]

You said that are you are afraid of being alone, or without her. Think about this. Is it her you want to be with, or just someone? Because you're not getting what you deserve from this girl. In another thread people were posted what you learned from past relationships, and the first thing I said was that it's NOT better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone. You can find someone else who is great for you and treats you well, but not while you're with this girl.

 

If you want to give it another try, talk to her and say because of what you have been through with her, you need more commitment from her to stay around. You have spent all this time being considerate of her needs, and like you said, it's time yours are taken into account.

[MrCrazy2u]

it's NOT better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone. You can find someone else who is great for you and treats you well, but not while you're with this girl.

 

Agreed, being single is 100x better than being in a sucky relationship (or whatever you wanna call it).

[rpare001]

Thanks for the advice all, I really agree with you all, really I should have listened to my friends back in December, they all basically told me that taking her back was a bad idea, but that I also needed to do what I had to in order to be happy. I think I thought I needed her in order to be happy at the time, I mean i just can't describe how I feel when something I do makes her smile, and one thing she said at the time really captivated me, she said "theres so much I have to prove to you, and so much I want to prove to you." I really do want to try and make things work between us, and I feel like I have been trying, where she has not. I think I'm going to try one last time to convey my feelings to her, to get her to understand that she is not the only one with needs. If she tries to flip the whole thing around on me and my selfishness again, well I don't think I can take that anymore. Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't feel like its selfish to want to know what you really mean to someone.

[MrCrazy2u]

Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't feel like its selfish to want to know what you really mean to someone.

 

You're absolutely correct, it's not selfish at all. It's very immature of her to flip out on you for something like that