Are we woman plain STUPID?!?

[chocojay]

Ahhhh...the strange thing is i ask....why do millions of the most intelligent beautiful sexy woman from all over the world out there fall for jerks that abuse us verbally, emotionaly and physically? What happens to reasoning? what happens to our judge of character? Do we like punishing ourselves in these destructive relationships?! we go around acting and looking like complete fools b/c we tolerate all the bullS he says and does! It makes me so angry!!!!!!!

How can we sit there asking stupid questions like,"he cheated on me once, will he do it again!" He says he'll never do it again, should i trust him, he did it to me three times already should i trust him this time?" or " He hits me all the time calls me bad names, should i leave?" or "im scared to leave because i still love him"

Im just like these woman, stuck in a rut and getting deeper and deeper in frustration!!! Its insane!!!!!!!!!

 

obviously these men are !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Do we not value ourselves? What i want know from you guys is why do you settle 4 someone's BS? why do we let them take a piss on us? what is wrong with me? why cant i just pack my s*** and leave?

Why cant YOU? ](*,)

[mintblossom]

Hmm...I can answer you based on my own experiences but I can't exactly say why other women do. But I've had some very horrible experiences.

 

First guy I "dated" - my so-called best friend manipulated me into this situation and years later she would throw it into my face all the time because I didn't like him or feel attracted to him. She enjoyed rubbing salt into my wounds. He was actually good to me, but a wimp, had no backbone and I think I was stupid because I just passively stayed.

 

First bf - he was mean, at first I was so infatuated but then we just started fighting alot. I was used to be treated badly after a childhood of being bullied at school where I couldn't get away from being picked on no matter what I did. I learned to just grit my teeth and stick things out.....so that is what I did. At home, I was not really allowed to show anger because I would be criticized for it so I was very very passive. I internalized and repressed all my feelings until I broke down and became very depressed.

 

Second guy - abusive, crazy, the abuse built up over time. I was in a deep depression and I was slowly beat down emotionally, verbally, mentally in every way. It wasn't that hard to do because I was already lonely, isolated, and in bad shape after having such a hard time during childhood. I stayed in it for a loooong time, years and years. I had thoughts that kept me trapped such as "he will change", "I can help him", "he can have potential", "he loves me" etc.

 

A few awful dates - I think I was in a fog, I wasn't thinking very clearly, I was very very naive and I accepted and tolerated bad treatment. The IDEA of sticking up for myself never really occurred to me. I had no girlfriends to talk to about relationships, I was really awkward about relationships (after all the bullying at school), my family never talked about issues, and I buried myself in schoolbooks. So I took a lot of crap from my environments because I was so used to it, so used to being putdown, I had little common sense and I didnt even think about my own selfworth. I tolerated some really horrid things like a guy just dropping me at the theater and disappearing or guys YELLING at me and verbally putting me down.

 

Third guy - I was infatuated but I was also really hurt by a game that he set up with his friend and which they played on me. I had not healed from the abuse, my mind was still in a deep fog. I was the perfect victim, vulnerable, isolated, hurting, used to being abused, and I had feelings for him. I didn't even pay attention to how he treated me until after he hurt me deeply....I spent the night shaking in bed, calling crisis hotlines, wanting to go to the hospital emergency room. It was THAT bad.

 

So after that...I put myself into therapy. I had a lot of unresolved issues that I didn't even realize. I couldn't even see the pieces of my own puzzle, didn't even question. In therapy, in a safe environment where I could talk about anything with someone I learned to trust....I started to see it. I started to feel I could have self-worth, that not everyone saw me as a hideous disgusting person. That I need to have self-respect and could pull myself together and that I could WALK AWAY from disrespectful behavior or words. So now I am getting better and better at defending myself, fighting back, saying NO, not putting myself with bad people, and making different choices, learning to be assertive, learning it's okay to say No and to be angry....I was proud of myself the last time a guy hung up on me......and I knew I could not call him back and that I needed to leave.

 

So there you have it, my history.....minus a few details. To sum it up, why didn't I leave? UNRESOLVED ISSUES, PERSONAL PAINS AND PROBLEMS, UNAWARE THAT I COULD STICK UP FOR MYSELF, LONELY, HURTING, VULNERABLE.....it wasn't one thing, it was a bunch of things that played together to get me in the messes that I got into.

 

oh yeah....I call myself stupid and beat myself down about the past.....but I just can't do what I used to do. I have to learn.....and the hardest thing to learn is to leave......but it's getting easier.

 

I've had to learn that if they put me down, I won't engage them in conversation anymore. If he hangs up on me, I'm not going to call back because that's crossing a line. If he pressures me for sexual acts, I'm getting out of the car to leave, calling my mom, not riding in a car with him home, or getting away from him as soon as possible in a safe manner. If he ditches me at a theater or some public area, I will go home and cut off contact. If I IM him and he is there but wont respond, I will not IM again. If I email and he does not respond, I do not email back. If I feel hurt, I do not reach out to him for comfort....I withdraw and learn to protect myself. If I see any bad behavior, I really have to step back into my shell and put myself number one. I've learned a guy is not the be all and end all to life. I've learned if he cares, he will be GOOD to me. I've learned to look at behavior more than talk. I've learned........and I'm still learning.

 

I just can't do this anymore. It's been almost one decade of bad behavior since I started dating and I will not put myself through this anymore.

 

It's really gotten to the point where I feel waaayyy better without any man around and just feel better on my own. This way I don't have to deal with any of their stuff. I only have to take care of myself. It's not worth it to be so put down, emotionally beaten down, hurt, destroyed.......I literally have become a goopy mess in each relationship. Takes me more than a year to get back on track each time.

 

I hope to be able to get stronger and to stand on my own two feet. I hope one day to find a real man who is a decent human being. I will not TAKE IT anymore. I will not let or enable anyone to do this to me.

[chocojay]

teardrops i guess you write, there are a lot of issues that contribute to the way we let people treat us. I never thought about it until recently, i too was bullied at school and that abuse affected me more than i realised or let on.

Its true that u subject to abuse and it carry's on throughout ones life. I dont value myself much, i dont think im capable of doing much. I dont see myself being someone big in the community or just being me and being happy. I KNOW that im intelligent, people say im gorgeous all the time but i dont see it. I think my low self esteem also contributes to tolerance of emotional abuse. Your story help me so much.

[Me and myself]

During my last relationship, altough she always deny it to me, I always knew, deeply, that my ex was using me as a rebound for her last relationship.

I first knew she was doing it because, when we were almost making love for the first time she said "I have something to tell you! I've been sleeping with my ex until last weekend." All the expectations I was putting in this relationship fall apart right from the start (this happened on our first day as bf/gf).

In the long run, this made me feel so insecure, right from the start, at such a point that she sees me as a cold guy, who doesn't show any affection (which is not true, as long as I feel secure in a relationship).

We talked a lot about this, I was trying to know where she was standing and what she told me was that he was a very important person in her life but she will never go back to him, specially after what he had done to her.

I asked her why didn't she stick to her own word and leave him for good, and she replied that it was too difficult because he was always around (he belongs to her circle of friends) and to forget him she needed to stay away from her friends and he didn't wanted that.

I couldn't understand why couldn't she see that he's using her, manipulating her and using her feelings to get what he wants. She broke up with him without wanting him back, even after he asked her to come back she said NO. She also mentioned that he did something that made her really determined to not wanting him back (I don't know what was it but I think he did made her pregnant on purpose just to force her to have a connection with him - a child).

 

I would love to help her on this issue but, since I'm trying to "forget" her, I really can't. I must think about myself first and I can only help those who accept my help and are really willing to change.I think she's so affraid about the changes she must do in her life, that she prefers to be hurting herself instead of taking some action. The problem is that, together with her, she is also bringing hurt to the guys who are in a relationship with her.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I never stand for jerks.

 

More importantly, I'm starting to not put with people putting up with ME being a jerk. Which is very much an aspect of my own path of maturing...

[mintblossom]

teardrops i guess you write, there are a lot of issues that contribute to the way we let people treat us. I never thought about it until recently, i too was bullied at school and that abuse affected me more than i realised or let on.

Its true that u subject to abuse and it carry's on throughout ones life. I dont value myself much, i dont think im capable of doing much. I dont see myself being someone big in the community or just being me and being happy. I KNOW that im intelligent, people say im gorgeous all the time but i dont see it. I think my low self esteem also contributes to tolerance of emotional abuse. Your story help me so much.

 

glad my story helped. i had to make a lot of mistakes before i even started think more about how better to protect myself and to step away and lose the people who don't care about me. it hasn't been easy because i long for a good connection with good people. however, meeting people and having them be nice in the beginning only to get progessively worse and worse is just a terrible miserable feeling. i just want to get out of that, forget all those bad people and make connections with people who will treat me well.

 

i find the hardest part for me is....stepping back and withdrawing when i first begin to sense that something is wrong. my hope and my desire for friendships and genuineness often blinds me and keeps me in denial and disbelief. however, that has never led me down a good path, i have only wound up more hurt, insecure, in pain, and offbalance and off center than ever. it's important to understand your issues, your pains, your hot buttons and dont let anyone push those buttons.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

ah, there is that silly thing called love (or at least infatuation) that keeps us hooked into people who are wrong for us. and lack of self esteem, or learned behavior where it doesn't occur to someone to demand better treatment or walk.

 

we humans don't like to be alone and have a strong desire to 'mate' too, so it is hard to walk away from someone we are attached to. and plenty of people are afraid to be alone period, so they will accept something bad rather than nothing at all.

 

so it is a combination of learning and personal growth and building hope and self esteem that makes people strong enough to walk away from bad treatment. sometimes it takes a while though, so i never see anyone struggling with a breakup as a fool or stupid, just not strong enough yet to stand up for their own happiness and health, though most people do find their way out, and learn over time to tolerate less and less bad behavior before recognize a losing situation and getting out...

[mintblossom]

ahh yes....learned passiveness and infatuation.....a genuine hope for a connection with someone, real memories and of course....the classic wanting what i can't have. i don't think my self-esteem is that low, sure it could use some work but i don't think that i'm THAT bad. but i think i am picking up behavior, thought, and attitude patterns a lot faster than i used to. i try to step away from it faster now too. i have more boundaries, im more selfprotective, i learn faster, and i am more certain what i do want and don't want. i pay more attention to my instincts, how to read people, and im teaching myself to FIGHT back! and to get to a safe place. i waste less time, energy...but im still learning. i also hope i am becoming less tolerant.

 

i guess it's like a game of cards. at first you lose and you don't know why. but over time you learn to recognize a losing hand faster and to toss it down instead of raising the stakes. you know?