The Whole Shebang

[LBP]

Well, I preface this by saying that it's going to be long and quite self-involved. Mostly I'm looking for an objective response to what happened between me an my ex, one way or the other... I don't necessarily want to know who was right and who was wrong but rather gut reactions to what I'm saying. This will be the first time I've ever laid it all on the table for anyone to see, so it's a bit of therapy in that regard as well. Here goes. I'm sure anyone who gets through this mass will deserve a gold star.

 

I meet my girl at a party at my house in early December of 2005. We hit it off right away as in within a half hour to an hour I'm kissing her and within two hours we're back together in my room. Things get hot and heavy, but we're both drunk and she quite wisely declines to actually have sex. We hang out, kiss and such, for the rest of the night and fall asleep in each other's arms. I drive her home in the morning and within a couple of days we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

She leaves in like a week to be with her family in Hong Kong for Christmas and we basically have a three week hiatus from one another to deal with that, her calling me maybe twice during that time. We get back together at the end of that and things pick up like they'd never left off. This continues for roughly seven and a half months, to June. This marks the first serious relationship I've ever hard.

 

In between June and when she gets back from HK, we have a great time. I help her write a paper to study abroad (it's accepted), we hang out quite a bit (though time off from week to week for studying, she's a good student and I need space fromt time to time) but basically become partners in crime for all events and fun times for the whole of those months. Sex is great (as far as I know) and we have an amazing time together, from watching movies to going on double dates with the end of her basically living with me for a period of four months, including a trip we take together to New York City for a week of seeing the sights and enjoying our limited time together (no sex this whole trip, by the by).

 

The 'limited' part is where the trouble starts... As far as I know everything I've said so far is accurate. To judge from my friends, it's mostly accurate because of what they've told me, first, about her reactions to me and, second, about their impressions of us together. Basically that we were two peas in a pod, that she'd never been so happy with a guy before, etc etc.

 

Cut to June and I'm saying goodbye to her as she's leaving for Hong Kong, again, this time to study abroad for a year. I know it's going to be hard but I'm confident we can work it out. My reasons are that 1) she had a LDR before that lasted for a year (she ended it because he didn't communicate enough), 2) she told me again and again that was her other half, I taught her what real love is, etc etc 3) I knew sex wasn't that important to me and phone calls would be enough.

 

She's in Hong Kong for a month and we talk often, twice a week basically, staying close. No problems. I discuss visiting her in Christmas and how I could do it but would need to take out a small loan in order to afford things (it'd be easy to pay off, I just can't get large lump sums due to bills and such). She turns me down saying she philosophically disagrees with loans. I'm a little hurt by this but resolve to get two jobs to work it out.

 

Just before her birthday, she tells me that she plans to be apart from me for three years and not just the one. She doesn't want me around when she comes back because she wants to focus on school (and wants me to do the same in grad school), then plans to go to Germany for a year (because she's 'only lived in two countries'). I'm starting to feel a little nervous at this point and ask for time to think. She says okay, we'll talk in a week.

 

I decide I'm okay, I love her enough to wait and tell her as much. She says she we have switched sides and she no longer wants the relationship. I'm hurt by this but we decide to be friends.

 

Naturally, there are problems. I'm still really hurting over her dumping me, but she promises we'll get back together when it's time (3 years). I'm skeptical, wondering who can wait three years citing the fact that she's had over thrity boyfriends before me and that I don't just want to sit around getting play in the meantime. Whe we talk during this time I express how badly I'm hurting and that I want her back - she doesn't commit one way or the other, but admits frustration at talking in circles. We continue to talk but one day she starts ignoring my emails (wherein I profess my love and confidence that things will work out in the long run) and pushing back our normal talk times. I end up calling her late on her time scale and saying I don't want to be least important thing in her life, basically saying that if she keeps leaving people behind it's going to end up hurting her in the end. She doesn't take it very well.

 

We make up a little bit but agree for some NC, her promising me that she'll call me on my birthday. When that time nears I tell her that I work on my birthday and to call me in the evening. She ends up calling me about five minutes before I leave for work and we don't talk. She had plans later in the day so we won't be able to talk then and I agree to put things off until later. She promises to call me on a Sunday but ends up calling me on a Saturday.

 

The Saturday she calls I've been consuming a keg left over from my birthday party and am more or less snookered. We have a conversation of some sort, where in I am pretty sure I was hurtful, but have no real memory of. It ends with her telling me that she's seeing someone else (that only memory I have of this conversation) and then silence.

 

I appologize the next day for what I said (despite having mostly no memory of it, except for negative feelings), but confess that I expected her to call the following day. She's still upset and says we'll discuss it later. Some times later, after a few IMs, she ends up sending me an email wherein she states that we shouldn't talk to each other any more and that our relationship had deteriorated quite badly. I'm very upset that she didn't call me and end up ringing her several times to demand an explanation. she says that it's over and that we could never date again in the future. She wishes me a good quarter and we hang up. I call her once more, immediately after, to say that I would have loved her forever and we leave it at that.

 

I contact her occationally through IM off and on over the course of a few months and she respond at first, even contacting me from time to time, before (in december) ignoring a 'Merry Christmas' message and then more or less shutting me out completely. The other stuff I mention above happened in September, by the by. I stay resolute in contacting her in what I percieve to be a friendly manner. I'd post an example but I have deleted all those messages as of the end of December... One day my friend tells me that when he attempted to ask her how she and I stood she blew up at him and shut down their conversation. This signifies to me that it's over. In response to that, I take her off my facebook, myspace, delete all her pictures and more or less throw out all the stuff she's left me. Before I burn her number and the ability to contact her I give her one last call (on christmas day of all days, though in Hong Kong , which was insensitive on my part) and basically wish her a good life. She says, 'What do you expect me to say?" I respond, 'Nothing.' She bids me merry christmas, happy new year and basically hangs up though I was more or less hanging up at the same moment.

 

Despite all this, I try and contact her once every two weeks in an attempt to maintain a friendship until sometime in late January. She does not respond. Finally, at the end of January, she responds but to the effect that she has her father send me an email more or less telling me to back off or find myself in trouble (they are both in another country at this time and I have not spoken to her in a number of months, in fact, I sort of assumed she'd been deleting my message unread). He's not an english speaker by birth so I'm not certain of his intent but I took it to be threatening. I respond by saying that he shouldn't have to fight her battles but I will respect his wishes and stay out of her life for good.

 

I have done so for the past 30+ days.

 

What went wrong here? What are the opinions of the peanut gallery? My feeling is that it was over long before I realized it or she had the courage to say it. On the other hand, we were so good together when we were ACTUALLY together and it seems insane that something so trivial as distance should result in me losing someone who was my dear friend as well as my lover. I look for any and all responses. Thank you for your time and I appreciate anyone who read through this all - I tried to be as thorough and unbiased as possible.

[EvaGina]

distance isnt trivial for the mojority of people.

I dont know what to say apart from that...

You shouldnt have kept trying to contact her when it was obvious she didnt want to talk to you... you harassed her.

[zippitt]

First off, don't beat yourself up for it.

 

She wanted an education over the relationship, and while I cannot blame anyone for making that decision since it is very important to ones future, they need to make clear their expectations when getting involved with another person.

 

It's impossible to say what really happened, maybe she just got tired of the LDR, maybe she never wanted a serious relationship, maybe she never considered how school would consume her free time.

 

It really doesn't matter, she never offered you and explanation as far as I could tell. I know you are looking for some sort of closure, some insight telling you, "oh, that's exactly what went wrong". You will just drive yourself mad looking for the answer, you need to move on with your life.

 

Granted there are some nutty people out there, but you certainly don't sound like one of them. I would just write it off to one or two things. First she has relationship commiment issues, being shes been with so many people, or you two just weren't compatiable. Either way learn from the positive and move on.

[caro33]

It does sounds like she changed her mind about you and that you have been clamouring for a reason. That's perfectly understandable, but not necessarily the best thing to do from an objective standpoint. Sometimes you don't get a "reason" and let's be honest - when you're hurt there's no reason good enough is there? The reason is generally simple enough really, it's that the other person just doesn't love you or want to be with you anymore. Simple but devastating.

 

I agree with Eva that distance makes a difference, but to my mind it's not just distance, it's the whole "new life" that comes with it. Being the person who goes away changes your whole perspective and the nature of your bonds with people. If you have a good time it's easy to move on from what you had at home, even if it was important at the time. You re-create yourself in your new environment and you make new friends.

 

I also think the fact that she has had 30 boyfriends - and I assume she's reasonably young - says she forms attachments easily but maybe doesn't form commitments.

 

I'm sorry, this must have hurt, but you and she are now in different worlds. It doesn't mean that what you shared was not important to her in some way, but that she has moved on.

[terk2021]

LBP,

 

I would tend to agree with zippitt. Your relationship started in one place (she may not have seen where her education was going to take her) and ended with her putting this as her top priority in life. As for her father, I would not beat yourself up too much over it. Sounds like she may be immature, or see your continued contact as a threat. You do not sound like that type of person. Who knows what type of relationship she has with her father.

 

He could be playing a dominate role in her life and been controlling. Also, how old is she? Her actions seem like someone who is immature, or she could have been in bad relationships prior and never knew how to deal with someone who treated her right. She also could not be mature enough to deal with a relationship.

 

Either way, beating yourself up over it will give you the answers you are looking for. Sounds like contacting her and trying to get those answers has not worked as well. I over-analyzed my ex to death. Wonder what I did wrong, and what I could have changed. I wondered how and why she could change on a dime. The reality is, I may never know those answers.

 

I have only recently gained personal acceptance that it's over, and I need to move forward, and I have finally begun to heal and find myself again. The right one is out there for you. Either she is not the one, or as you stated above, it's the wrong time. I would not wait around for her at all. If she comes back at some point, then you can deal with it. At that point, you should ask yourself if you really even want her back.

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

[LBP]

Thank you all for your kind words... yes, I did harass her, in retrospect... I wish I hadn't. I didn't call her everyday or anything or even message her everyday... I tried to be polite about it but I should have just been a man about things.

 

That's my ultimate regret, that I couldn't "nut up" as they say and simply accept things as they were. I was a rookie and I made rookie mistakes. If I'd known then what I know now (that it's often best to simply walk away rather than fight for what you think you want) then I'd do it completely different. I suppose the only way you can learn these things through experience. The right move was so contrary to my thinking that I didn't even understand that I was screwing up left and right.

 

I just wish I had my friend back and that I hadn't driven that part of our relationship away with my confusion and pain. I'd love to tell her that I've realized all my mistakes, that her dumping me was the best thing that could have happened and has taught me so much about myself and how to be a man rather than a boy, but I doubt she'd listen... And, if I really want to show this change, the best thing to do now IS walk away. It's hard. I'd love to have her back, if only as a friend, but... Not possible.

 

It's a damn shame. I don't want forgiveness - I don't deserve it. She expected my understanding and I should have given it, but it's too late for that. I'm not beating myself up over this... I'm just recognizing my mistakes. Certainly, the future shall be different.

 

Again, thank you all.

[LBP]

She did offer reasons, but most of them were contradictory or didn't line up with reality... It often felt like she was trying to find every reason that I wasn't right for her while ignoring all the good times we had and good qualities I brought to being together... How happy I made her, how I helped her see the world in new ways, introduced to her to art and etc.

 

But that's the nature of the beast, as I said.

[caro33]

Don't punish yourself man, you were terribly hurt and the way you behaved is not too different to how many of us behave in that situation. I think she may well have been cavalier with your feelings, and it's a shame.

 

Just do your best to move on and not judge yourself too harshly. We all make rookie mistakes - in fact some of us never stop being rookies, because each relationship can feel like the first sometimes.

[LBP]

Honestly, I feel a million times better since I wrote this. I realize what I have to do. I now have another chance to be a man about things and I'm not gonna let it pass me by.

[redsuede]

I think you are really being too hard on yourself. Also, I think that she handled your feelings a bit harsh. You were trying to handle a very hard and painful situation in a mature and amiable manner, but sometimes people need a different agenda in order to move on. I am so sorry that you were hurt, and it sounds to me like she didnt deserve you anyway. Its admirable that you are trying to find things you could have done differently. Self esteem gets a huge beating as it is, let alone the damage we do to it when getting dumped. take a look around. 99% of the people on this forum (me included) have tried to reconcile with their ex and try to make it work through contact. You are no different....

 

Hang in there, the answers will come to you when you have healed a bit and can see things more clearly.