How does one behave exactly like an adult about it?

[Brooding_Goddess]

Yep, DN has knocked some sense back into the situation, and obviously i have an issue with it that explains this stream of "correspondence".

 

He doesnt want to talk about "it" becos i would fly off the handle (again). I am unwell and staying away from work today. She is scheduled to fly to New York tonight. I am going away to Shanghai for 3 weeks next Tuesday, he's going away to Australia for 2.5 weeks next Thursday. Jeez, sounds truly messy! But.... if he doesnt show up or call me today.... i think i know what i am dealing with.... Seriously why would she need a companion to grief together till the minute she gets on the plane? Doesnt compute at all.

 

And just a little off track - How does some women manage to "stay a distance" away from their bf(s) during a "cold war" and cease excessive communication?

[caro33]

And just a little off track - How does some women manage to "stay a distance" away from their bf(s) during a "cold war" and cease excessive communication?

 

What do you mean?

[Brooding_Goddess]

I dont know how to "ignore" him during cool-off time

[caro33]

Are you about to embark on cooling off time?

 

Is that really what you want? Perhaps give him a few hours or something, but I would be calling him in the morning to see how he is and to clear the air. He may well be feeling drained himself, it's worth you showing some support even if you don't agree with the reasons for him being drained. It doesn't hurt to be generous now with what's happened at least. Stay quiet on the next day or so of his plans with her unless you are ready to blow your teeth out and say something unforgiveable, and even then, keep what you say bland, and along the lines I've mentioned already.

 

I have to admit to some confusion - what timezone are you in and how long away is her flight? Will he be working during the day anyway?

 

Also, you are both leaving the country next week then? You have a week to get things feeling right between the two of you?

[Brooding_Goddess]

I am so effing useless - I cried when we spoke in person!

 

He is saying that he did what a decent human being would in the last 24 hours, and repeat that he would do the same for any friend. He actually thinks I am overreacting and asked if I need to see my shrink or take any anti-depressant! He also thinks that it might be a mistake after all to tell me about it as I clearly didnt take it down well, and he thought he could share that with me in the strictest confidence so I wouldnt wonder why he's a little weird in this 1-2 days - bull * * * * I think.

 

He is at work today, but no idea if he is gonna leave work early just so as to accompany her till the flight takes off at 2355hr pacific time. Pathetic I say.

[caro33]

Hmm. Sounds like there's a real issue here. How long have you guys been seeing one another? I might have missed that, sorry.

 

Would you consider seeing a counsellor together? I have to say (again) that the fact that you and her have this massive hate thing going, and that he may well have facilitated that, seems a problem to be resolved, not swept under the carpet.

[Brooding_Goddess]

We have seen a counsellor before - actually its my psychiatrist - after I cut myself continuously for 2 days. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression and bipolar disorder.

 

He told me this morning that right now he feels for her and I am selfish to think of myself becos nobody has to lose a close kin this way. He also mentioned that perhaps I dont value life the same he does so I feel nothing for a lost life. My message to him - that boy chose to kill himself, what more can I add thats been said?

 

He has also offered to come over and cook dinner tonight, and to watch a movie together tomorrow afternoon. I told him maybe we need a cool-off period, NC for a month. He is not sure what that means and asked if he's been dumped. He also added that he cant handle it when I have "melt-down period" and that pushes him away from me.

 

I am not sure I can do anything more right now. I dont want to leave him but at the same time I am too confused for my own good.

[DN]

My message to him - that boy chose to kill himself, what more can I add thats been said?

 

Perhaps you did not mean it to sound this way but the way it reads seems to me to be remarkably unfeeling.

[Brooding_Goddess]

Perhaps you did not mean it to sound this way but the way it reads seems to me to be remarkably unfeeling.

 

I am a bit of a cot case occasionally and has attempted suicide a couple of times when I was suffering from a bout of chronic depression. I dont think people decide to die at the very minute they are about to kill themselves. Something must have happened that they see no way out and that death is the only solution because they fear.

[annie24]

Perhaps you did not mean it to sound this way but the way it reads seems to me to be remarkably unfeeling.

 

I think what DN was saying is that of course, it is known that you had nothing to do with the death and there was nothing you could do to prevent it. Which is why the a more appropriate reaction could have just been to say, "I am so sorry for your loss" to the people who knew him. In the same way if someone died of cancer or in a car accident, you wouldn't tell their family "well, there was nothing I could do." duh, obviously it isn't your fault unless you were driving the car that killed their family member. but at least express some sympathy. Just that 1 sentence is all that's necessary, even to your boyfriend.

[Grosse vache]

1. If my brother had just killed himself the last thing on my mind would be trying to get one over on some girl by trying to take her boyfriend away.

 

2. If my brother had just killed himself I would want to recreate a time when I felt most comfortable. If I was still friends with an ex and he had always made me feel safe/comfortable/ect I would turn to him. I would also turn to him because he ISN'T a relative and can thereforeeee be a greater source of support than a relative going through the same emotions as I am.

 

3. Everyone has said they wish someone else was dead at some point in their lives, usually in the heat of the moment. And if you haven't you are either lying or some kind of saint.

 

4. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy.

[Rabican]

Personally I would have told him this:

 

If you feel it is necessary to console her, fine... go meet her somewhere thats NOT her house. Do not spend the night, and call me when you are heading home. She is his ex, which means that he shouldnt be responsible for taking care of her whenever she has problems (granted this is a big problem, but still...)

 

Also, he shoudlnt feel it necessary to have a sleepover when she is upset.

 

Put it this way, how would you feel about this situation if the suicide were removed from the equation? The same rules should apply regardless of WHY she is upset.

[Rabican]

On second thought... I just read this thread because the movie I rented is crap... and well im bored. My opionion is this: People in commited relationships should not be spending alone time EVER with exes, or friends of the opposite sex. By alone time I mean, sleepovers, hanging out alone at their apartment, hotel etc. Its one thing to go hang out at the local bar or bookstore for a drink... another thing entirely to have a sleepover.

 

Secondly, him doing what 'any friend' would do is a mute point because she is not just 'any friend' She is an ex, and one whom most likely has feelings for him still. Furthermore, he is in a commited relationship with you, and he needs to take that into consideration BEFORE he commits any of his time to his ex.

 

I personally think this whole situation stinks... and I would be seriously considering finding a new boyfriend who didnt need to 'console' their ex for days at a time when they hit a rough patch. The bottom line is that his exes family problems shouldnt become YOUR problems. And they have just crossed that line...

 

Ask your boyfriend if he would mind you spending the night at your ex boyfriends house when one of his parents passes away for example? See how he feels then.

[renaissancewoman101]

Rabican, I think you are being a bit cold and unfeeling here. Regardless of the situation, these two people once had a relationship. Albeit, the relationship is done and over with, but still these people once cared for each other, and when one of them is going through something AS traumatic as a sibling committing suicide, I can see where compassion should be there.

 

If I had a SO and an ex of his came to him for help and consolation because her sibling had committed suicide and my SO told me that he wanted to be there for her, I actually would think well of the SO, since it shows that he has compassion and a kind heart.

[Brooding_Goddess]

1. I think my boyfriend is a good guy but he hasn't slept over or slept late nights here even when I was critically ill at one time undergoing chemo!

 

2. I think Rabican has a point - she can't make her problem my problem. I don't need to know what has happened to her or her bloody family. The fact that she is an EX and we have had so many "disputes" mean she and I need to be OUT of each others' lives. She is not suppose to have anymore influence over our relationship.

 

3. I know I sounded very cold and unfeeling when I could not express how sorry I am for her loss. But I am even sorrier that I could not, because of who the sister is. If today someone whom you hate a lot experiences a loss or grief, would you be able to smile and say "let me help you" by offering what matters a lot to you?

 

4. I had thrown back the same question back at my boyfriend - maybe I should start spending more time with EXes or guy friends who are interested becos there is no longer a line drawn - he really could not give me an answer

[DN]

I think your attitude over this issue is highly likely to cost you the relationship. Are you sure it's worth it?

[onelittleladybug]

I just caught up with this thread. I don't really have a milder way to say this but...

 

I don't think that your boyfriend is in any way cheating on you nor is there anything wrong with him consoling his girlfriend of 5 years (just think of this, theres a reason for the friend part of the word girlfriend). However I think you should really be careful at this point as I personally find your attitude so cold and lacking in sensitivity that I wouldn't be surprised if your accusations actually ended up having the effect that you so worry about.

 

It doesn't matter if she has feelings for him or not. Nothing would happen anyway if he doesn't have feelings for her. You say she has no right to make her problems yours. That right there sounds like you think you have ownership over your boyfriend. Your bf is his own person. He has a past and emotional ties outside your relationship. Try to cut them off and you will find yourself alone.

 

Ive been in a relationship where I wasn't given the trust that I deserved and I can tell you right now that when someone accuses you of something you didn't do or have no intentions of doing, there comes a point where you think that you could just as well just do the thing you're being accused of. I never cheated - but at some point I really thought "what does it matter if I do it or not if he wont believe me and wont trust me?"

 

Have you ever lost someone really close to you? Do you know how it feels and how devastating it is? When my ex roommate lost her dad I picked her up at the airport and stayed with her for many days. I would do it for anyone close to me including all my exes if they asked.

 

I hope you think about this and I also hope you NEVER find yourself in the same position as your boyfriends ex. Its kinda strange how life catches up with you. You might want to think about putting better things out there.

[Rabican]

Rabican, I think you are being a bit cold and unfeeling here. Regardless of the situation, these two people once had a relationship. Albeit, the relationship is done and over with, but still these people once cared for each other, and when one of them is going through something AS traumatic as a sibling committing suicide, I can see where compassion should be there.

 

If I had a SO and an ex of his came to him for help and consolation because her sibling had committed suicide and my SO told me that he wanted to be there for her, I actually would think well of the SO, since it shows that he has compassion and a kind heart.

 

I am a bit cold on the issue. I just think its wrong, for my SO to be spending a night at another mans house. I dont care what the reason, I dont think its something that should be done. My rule is to keep the fox out of the henhouse. Dont put yourself in a situation where trouble can arise. I would have no problem with my girl 'consoling' an ex. However, I do not think that 'consoling' has to consist of a weekend sleepover, nights alone etc. Furthermore, she is an ex. Why is she still coming to him with her grief? She should be going to friends, family etc. Not an ex. Is the original poster to understand that every time a tragedy or hurtfull experience occurs she is going to have to share her boyfriend with the ex? I just dont think its right. A compromise can, and should be made here. The ex is upset, fine... he can talk to her on the phone. They can meet up somewhere and have a nice quiet dinner and she can have him to talk to. However, i do not, and will not ever think that a sleepover is in order.

[Rabican]

I think another big deal here, is that he is not really considering your feelings on this matter. And THAT is a big deal. IF something matters to you, then it should matter to him. Granted, there are times when people need to just handle things on their own, be their own person, etc. But there are also times (I think this is one of them) when the SO needs to take their partners feelings into consideration.

[Rabican]

 

Have you ever lost someone really close to you? Do you know how it feels and how devastating it is? When my ex roommate lost her dad I picked her up at the airport and stayed with her for many days. I would do it for anyone close to me including all my exes if they asked.

 

To this I would tell you (if you were my girl) that you should pack up your bags and not bother leaving the exes house. Its all well and good to have that sleepover if you are single.. however I feel that your partner deserves more respect and thought than you spending days alone with an ex.

 

I guess we can agree to disagree on this issue though. Im cold and unfeeling (wheres the eye rolling smiley thingy....) and you are kind and compassionate... which I can respect.. Its just not the kind of compassion that I want my girlfriend sharing with her ex.

[Brooding_Goddess]

I think your attitude over this issue is highly likely to cost you the relationship. Are you sure it's worth it?

 

I dont have Yes or No answer to that. I simply don't like getting upset over relationship issues as I can get very edgy that turns in a complete melt-down. I don't think I am possessive or controlling but if he cannot understand why I am angry (with all that war between her and me for the past few years) then its probably in my best interest to move on.

 

I did not start the thread to ask if I should stay or go. I wanted to know if I was being petty, unreasonable or angry for a wrong cause. Sometimes when you are too caught up with your emotions, you need a 3rd party to stand back and tell you what they see.

[Brooding_Goddess]

And to onelittleladybug - I am not sure if you ever have to handle the big Ex issue, esply one that hangs around and butt in once every 3-6 months. One who calls you a nutcase and hangs up on you when you tried calling your own boyfriend. I am cold and unfeeling ONLY to her - she does not deserve my sympathy at all. When I was sick with cancer and she asked my boyfriend out, she says it is ok for me to look after myself becos I have been alone all these years!

[onelittleladybug]

I cant speak for DN but I totally agree with his answer that he gave you and I think its a really good advice that you should listen to. The thing is you have to pick your battles. This woman may have given you a lot of trouble in the past but right now, under these circumstances, she is going through what is most likely the hardest things shes ever been through and that changes everything. She may usually be the bad guy but right now its you. You could become the bigger person here if you could just bury all your resentment, at least for now. Its true that I don't know you and I don't know your situation all that well but it doesn't sound like you are showing your best side here. She is in pain and I really doubt she has the desire, the energy or the clarity in thought to seduce your boyfriend under these circumstances.

 

Smart women know that the best way to deal with a woman who wants your man is to befriend her. If you're really worried about losing him to her then just get over there, buy her flowers on the way and tell her that if she needs any help you are there for her. That way when he is there, you are there too.

 

But aside from that - her brothers death should be a reminder of whats really important and what isn't.

 

And yes - I have totally had to deal with the ex from hell. When the ex went all crazy I never tried to get back to her. I was angry, I was hurt. I told my bf I'd prefer he didnt talk to her if she kept saying really horrible things about me but I cant control him and I understand they were friends before I came along. Guess who got the guy. I did.

[annie24]

Smart women know that the best way to deal with a woman who wants your man is to befriend her. If you're really worried about losing him to her then just get over there, buy her flowers on the way and tell her that if she needs any help you are there for her. That way when he is there, you are there too.

 

That is so true! Like the saying, "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer...." I have a male friend I have been friends with for years, we are very close. When he started dating a new girl, she went out of her way to become my friend, to join the clubs I was in, to call me up, etc..... Did she really like me, or did she want to keep an eye on me? maybe both! but now we are very close friends also.