What to do?

[debsea]

Well I haven't posted on here for a while because I felt like I was letting myself just wallow rather than make the effort to be happy.

 

Briefly: my 18 yr marriage broke up 4 years ago, and I have two gorgeous kids. I get on with my ex because I make the effort to. I have a bf of 2 years.

 

Here's the problem my bf is kind and considerate but quite unsocial and doesn't generally show any emotion. When I was getting over my ex which was very painful, I dreamed of meeting someone who wanted to have a busy social life, with lots of fun and lots of passion and emotion. Probably the opposite of what I have. I care about him alot but I get to feel more and more isolated from the things that we could be doing and the fun that I know is out there.

 

I keep feeling I should end it but then I think well you can never have what you want 100%, I just don't know if I'm making too big a compromise. When he does show a spark of emotion it means so much (probably because I'm craving it). He is very considerate and does make me laugh but there is plenty of times when I'm sooooooo bored. I do try to do things myself and don't expect him to fill my days, but I so wanted to be with someone to enjoy life with. He's good with the kids, but we've never had a family day out in two years.

 

Does anyone know how I can make my mind up what to do for the best. I don't want to feel trapped in a relationship thats a drag at times and I don't want to lose something that may be the best thing I'll ever have. I also don't want to hurt him. I've been going round and round on this for probably a year!!

 

[Jetta]

Generally people don't change as much as we'd like. It's really up to you what your willing to live with, being bored and having someone who is unwilling to go out is awful because it's like you're not really living life then. You have to decide.

[Batya33]

Think back to a time when you weren't bored with him - why was that and what has changed? Also, was your divorce final for less than a year when you started seeing him?

[debsea]

I'm actually still not divorced, as he broke the marriage up I thought he should pay for it, and as yet it hasn't been an issue. We've hardly ever talked about it. I'd been separated for two years before I started seeing my bf.

 

When we first met I suppose the fun of being with someone new filled alot of the time. I've always had some issues with how he is, and have always had to make effort on my own if I'm bored. He is very content in his own company or with me but doesn't need anyone else. I don't think he needs the buzz of life that I need, and I then think I shouldn't expect him to be my entertainment. With my ex there was always something happening even if it wasn't what I wanted so boredom didn't really come into it. I think I miss my old way of life rather than my ex.

 

I had decided at Christmas that I was going to end it and when it came to it I didn't. That left me thinking that if I wasn't going to end it then there must be enough good stuff to stick at it. Other times I just think I'm a coward.

 

Just feel very confused......am I wanting too much out of life??

[Batya33]

I think the main issue is that you are a married woman - whether or not you feel "emotionally" divorced - and this was mostly a rebound because you understandably were looking for fun and a break from the chaos of separation.

 

My recommendation - look at Dr. Joy Browne's web site, perhaps her books, perhaps listen to her radio show - she has some wise insights on why separated/still-married/newly divorced people should not be in a relationship and your example is one of the classic reasons why (particularly since you have kids which lets them get attached to a man who is not officially committed to you, may not be around for very long, while they are still going through the break up of the family). Seriously, don't take it from me - look at her web site - I've always found her smart and insightful and particularly on this issue.

 

And yes I think you are asking for way too much - you're expecting to be able to have a healthy romantic relationship while you are still married, a single mother, going through a separation and divorce with a man you met while you were still married. That's near impossible on several levels, in my opinion.

[debsea]

Thanks for this I will look at the web site, life seems so hard at the moment. Most of the time I feel like I'm sorted and then I seem to trip up. I hope its not rebound because I really don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to end up in a long time "unfulfilling" relationship. I have been very careful with the kids and very open with them. Their Dad is their Dad, and they are aware that I've never been sure what would happen with me and my bf. So hopefully whatever happens there will be no more nasty surprises for them. They come first at the end of the day.

 

Thanks for reading my post...............I used to be such a chilled, happy, level headed person, this is all very wearing.

 

Hope you're happy.

[Batya33]

I wish you and your family all the best - they are lucky to have you!

[SexySadie7]

Welll, I can understand you not wanting to be bored alot but I was just curious as to what his ethnic background is.

Alot of different cultures have different ways of reacting to things. If he's even keeled, it could just be it's his heritage to not get riled about things. He's also probably a homebody who just doesn't feel as comfortable in social situations as you do. Perhaps if you asked him why he doesn't like to go out more and that you miss that and would like to do that with him.

I'm just assuming you've not....you sound a bit like the stoic type yourself.

Someone Italian or French might be more emotional than someone Japanese or German. Just something to think about. You are right, there's not that many great guys out there, but you don't want to be miserable either.

Could you guys perhaps take a class together or something? Something that would make your bf leave the house but you would get a chance to spend time together without it being like a "party" atmosphere. Some people are just not into the party scene.

I mean, does your bf like to do outdoor stuff at least, like hikes or fishing or camping?

[ghost69]

i think you are lucky to have a guy that accepts you going through this divorce and having 2 kids as well. there are a lot of guys that wouldn't put up with any of this. he must really care for you a lot. you might want to take that into consideration if you are leaning towards leaving him.

 

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[debsea]

He's English. He used to do a lot of outdoor activities but doesn't seem to want to now. I have told him that I really miss social interaction but he just says well I'm not stopping you going. When I explain that I'd like us to go as a couple he just says well we won't be because we'll be with other people.

 

I understand if people don't like being in parties etc but he doesn't like even going round friends houses if we're invited. When he does go everyone thinks he's lovely but it just seems that its all such an effort. All I want is a happy chilled out social busy life................oh dear asking for too much again!

[debsea]

To ghost69, I agree with you which is what I keep telling myself. But its hard to think you're doing the right thing if you feel down about life.

 

I just wish sometimes he'd walk in and give me a huge hug rather than a peck on the cheek! I'm trying to accept that that is just his way but I miss being made to feel really wanted.

[ghost69]

well, it seems you let this relationship go on too long like this. especially if you have been feeling like this for over a year. should have ended it back there or asked for some changes. it must be time to move on then.

 

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