my BOYFRIEND doesn't know if HE is gay

[all about us]

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes.

 

Back in 2006, actually 3 days before new year 207, I was feeling a little lonely and left out. Suddenly I met this guy in a very uncommon situation, and we spoke for a minute and I felt a great chemistry; this lead me to ask him for his number and email before saying goodbye. We had a 4 hour conversation on messenger that night. Since that moment I knew I liked him and knew he liked me too.

We went on our first date on the first week of January, and had a lot of dates during that month. One thing he always made me aware of is that this was his first relationship ever, and he had never liked any man before. However, we acted very loving and he was as much into our relationship as I was. We even held hands in public while going to our car in one of our dates!!! This great chemistry gave me the courage to ask him to be my boyfriend at the end of January (and he said YES!

At the beginning of February I got into the hospital with a very dangerous situation that kept me there for a week, and I had to stay homefor a week after that. He was very concerned about what had happened, however, we live one hour away and he just got his driver's licence and couldn't go to see me at the hospital. I told him it was alright, I understood his situation.

When I came out of the hospital, we returned to our regular life (to the extent that my condition allowed me). I started to notice something strange in his voice. I kept asking him but he said he was feeling well both physically and emotionally.

Last week he injured his hand and wrist, so he told me that the strange thing I heard in his voice was because of those injures. Last night we were talking on the phone and I asked him again and told him I didn't felt we were that loving and sweet couple we were a month ago, something had changed between us.

He at least had the trust in me to tell me that he wasn't sure about our relationship because he wasn't sure if he was gay or not. He says he has never been attracted by any man and still find girls appealing. He said he is in love with me, but it just feels RIGHT for him to be with me and love me, but he doesn't feel he is gay being with me.

 

I told him I understood and I was there to help him and give him any advice and support he needed. I also spoke to him about this forum so he can find help. But I think I am the one who needs help now! I need your support. What should I do? What should I say?

[James005]

It sounds as if your boyfriend is experimenting, either with being gay or being Bi. The best U can do for him his be by his side as a frined. as much as you enjoy the relationship a simple non sexual close frinedship can last forever. I remember my first few relationships coming out, I can tell U terrified was an UNDERSTATEMENT. Perhaps you shoould ask him what he wants most, if he wants to maintain this relationship or just be friends and help him as a frined sort things out. What I could have used the most in coming out was someone to just talk to and help me out rather than someone who would say they wanted to help me and did F-all for me.

I hope this helps, if not drop me a Private message or reply and maybe I can go a bit more indepth for you.

From what you have written it sounds as tho U are out and he isn't, its a lot harder being in the closet, once we come out and things go well for us, we sometimes tend to lose that understanding of just how hard it was.

Take care!!

 

James005

[all about us]

yes, I'm out. Actually, I was forced to come out by the first guy that I dated (which turned out to be a disaster, but the out itself was not too bad).

 

What I found hard to understand is how a guy who all of his life thought he was straight just fall so easily for another guy and be a REAL BOYFRIEND (he has never had any problem kissing me or acting as a real boyfriend).

 

What I'm thinking is that during that first month before I went to the hospital we were living in our "own world", but he came back to reality during my time at the hospital. I'm trying not to judge him because, as you said, I remember the difficult times I went through during my coming-out days. I just want to be as helpful as possible and save myself from being hurt if things don't turn out to be favorable for me.

 

any suggestions?

 

thanks for your reply!

[James005]

Let him know you too are confused about what he wants. Tell him no matter what you want to help him, that you need a better understanding of what he wants/needs.

[pianoguy]

He says he has never been attracted by any man and still find girls appealing.

 

Ok.

 

He said he is in love with me, but it just feels RIGHT for him to be with me and love me, but he doesn't feel he is gay being with me.

 

Alright, now he's not making sense. If you compare the two statements they directly contradict each other.

 

My guess is that he's experiencing some kind of pressure, either from his family, or his friends, or his church, or somebody that's telling him that he needs to try being straight again. You mentioned he was closeted- it's likely that during your stay in the hospital he did some evaluation of the relationship and realized that if it continued, it was inevitable that he would be outed. So he decided to back off a little. I think he's simply afraid, afraid of being out, afraid of his sexuality.

 

This puts you in a very difficult position. On the one hand, you deserve somebody who isn't afraid of being in an open relationship, on the other hand you love and care for this guy very deeply, and he sounds like he feels/felt the same way.

 

If you decide to try and continue the relationship, you will simply have to be very patient and supporting. Do you know any older gay couples that could serve as mentors? It can help for your friend to meet a happy gay couple, to see that this kind of life is both possible and wonderful.

 

You might also suggest he read the following book- "A place at the table: the gay individual in American society" by Bruce Bawer. I found it helpful- talks about how to live as a normal gay person in the world.

[all about us]

He said he is in love with me, but it just feels RIGHT for him to be with me and love me, but he doesn't feel he is gay being with me.

 

I spent some time trying to analyze what he meant saying this and I think he means he is comfortable (and since he is not out yet, thinking of us as a gay couple might not make him comfortable).

 

We have been talking these days after he told me that, and he is feeling a lot better now. I think he is reacting very well after a long talk we had where we could clear our feelings for each other. Today it's been two months since we met!!! and yesterday we reached our first month as a couple!!

 

Yesterday also I almost got myself into the hospital because my condition got worse but the doctors said I could come home. I'll see my bf on Friday and Saturday!!!