Slloowwly coming out...

[buddafleye]

I've posted on these boards before, talking about random crushes and such, but I've never fully admitted my sexuality. Lately, I just can't get it out of my head. I've been remembering back to when I was little and I remember having crushes on girls as far back as five and six years old... only I didn't know they were crushes. I actually didn't understand what a crush REALLY meant until last summer. I'm 22... late bloomer, much? lol. I used to *say* I had crushes on boys, but that was to impress friends or family because everyone was always asking me about who I had a crush on and I felt like something was wrong with me for not feeling anything towards guys.

 

But every crush I've ever had has been on girls and women. Now that I understand what it means, everything makes a lot more sense. I never understood why I wasn't feeling excited about being around boys. It never even occurred to me that I could be a lesbian.

 

I remember one of the very first times I felt that way towards a girl. My mom and I were at a fair that was in town and we were watching some kind of musical on stage. I remember there was this one girl that completely caught my eye. I loved her hair, the way she smiled... everything. I was completely transfixed by her. But I was seven or eight, so I just thought I was really enjoying the show and that maybe I wanted to be like her or something. But no, I kept my eyes on that girl the entire show and then dreamt about her for weeks. She made my stomach tingle and I had NO idea what that meant.

 

I remember going out with my mom on the weekends and seeing other girls... I would stare at them in awe as they walked by and my mom just thought I liked their outfits, so she'd go and buy me the same stuff.

 

Even as far back as three and four... my mom and I were on a bus and she tells me (and I partially remember) about how I would point to this one advertisement on the bus that had this pretty blond woman and say that I loved her. lol. That had to be a sign, right?

 

In grade six I had a huge crush on my French teacher. In high school I had a massive crush on my English teacher, which led to a very strange relationship because I was unknowingly courting the poor woman. lol. At my old job there were a couple managers who I would get SO nervous around. I didn't understand this nervousness whatsoever. I thought I was just a big nerd or something because every time they came near me, my heart rate would go up a thousand beats per second, I would constantly stare at them. Now that I think back to that, they really must've known... but I had NO idea.

 

It's just all become really clear to me all of a sudden. And now that I'm slowly coming to terms with who I am, I'm REALLY scared. I'm having feelings for people I've never experienced in my life. I finally understand why teenage girls are so boy crazy. I find myself checking out girls now every time I go out and I'm freaking myself out. I'm scared to have these strong feelings for people and I'm scared of offending them by looking at them.... I just don't know what to do. And I'm pretty upset with myself for not realizing who I was for such a long time.

 

Another thing is I don't think my family would EVER understand. They're very conservative about sexuality and I'd probably automatically be labeled a failure and the black sheep of the family.

 

It's a weird situation and I suddenly feel like I'm back in my teens all over again, just now discovering sexuality, love, etc. Like I said in the beginning, I've been realizing my crushes on girls since last summer... but I wasn't quite ready to accept any of it. *sigh*

[musicguy]

do you think you're bi?

[GuitarHero]

You go girl! If you don't have romantic feelings toward men, then you're a lesbian obviously. Don't feel like you have to be straight or bisexual if you're not. I've had quite a few friends who were gay and proud, and they are some of the strongest people I know!

[pianoguy]

Hi buddafleye,

 

Welcome to crush land! It can be kind of fun sometimes.

 

I don't think you're quite as late a bloomer as you think. In our highly sexualized culture there is this idea that we have to be in relationships at 13 and 14, deflowered by 16, serial dater by 18, etc. With gay people it often takes longer, just because we don't realize what's going on as soon and it's so different from the mainstream. Me for example- I didn't really realize my crushes until I was 19, which is only a few years younger than you. After I realized what was going on, I realized I had had some crushes back further, maybe as early as middle school, although I can't remember anything from my elementary years.

 

The story you told about your mom buying you outfits of girls you were transfixed with was really cute. In college I remember that I started dressing like boys that I liked- there was one that wore a lot of sweaters so I started wearing more sweaters, that kind of thing. *sigh*

 

Try not to be too afraid of your feelings, and don't be mad at yourself for realizing this sooner- as I said it usually takes longer for gays and bisexuals.

 

As for your family- don't underestimate them too much. Obviously I don't know them, but if they truly love you they will eventually come to terms with it, maybe not at first, but in the long run. I don't think there's any hurry to tell them though, just work through your feelings on your own for a while until you feel more comfortable.

 

Do you know any gay people? Have you thought about going to a gay bar? Do you have any straight friends that you might be able to discuss this with?

[buddafleye]

do you think you're bi?

 

 

Well, I'm having a hard time with that. I kind of want to be bi because I always imagined myself down the road with a husband, but if I'm to be honest with you and myself... I've NEVER felt ANYTHING towards guys. I've had boyfriends, but I never felt for them what I feel for women.

 

Right now I would have to say I am not bi. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian. That's really hard to say, but everything points towards that.

[buddafleye]

You go girl! If you don't have romantic feelings toward men, then you're a lesbian obviously. Don't feel like you have to be straight or bisexual if you're not. I've had quite a few friends who were gay and proud, and they are some of the strongest people I know!

 

Nope... I've never had romantic feelings for guys. Guys actually give me the opposite feeling. The thought of kissing them and actually doing it kind of grosses me out. I really like being friends with them, but that's about it. I've always known I'm not straight, but it's coming to the realization that I'm not even bi that's sort of freaking me out.

[buddafleye]

No, I don't know a single gay person. Well, that I'm aware of anyway. I'm living in a new town. I'm not comfortable going to a gay bar by myself because that's very intimidating. I don't think I'm very prepared to discuss this with anyone yet considering I'm only JUST discussing it with myself. lol.

 

I am mad at myself because I've known almost my entire life that I wasn't straight, but I wouldn't give up the possibility of being bi because I always assumed that in the end, I'd be with a guy. I feel like I've missed out on a lot because most of my friends are getting married and whatever and here I am only now feeling things towards other people. I was starting to worry I was an asexual or something, but definitely not. lol. I definitely have a huge staring problem when it comes to girls now.

 

My family is extremely dysfunctional. Most families are, lol, but mine are dysfunctional to the extreme. I don't know if I'll ever tell them.

 

I feel like I've woken up from a really deep sleep. I finally understand.