getting back out

[elithepi]

Ok people,

I'm trying to move on but I have a problem.

I'd like to date around. Shake off the dust.

But what do you do if the ex was everything (besides not wanting to be with you) you ever wanted. Sexy, funny, warm, affectionate, great personality, super charming, and again, very attractive.

How do I overcome "the bar being set high"?

I'm apprehensive about dating because I'm afraid I would constantly compare the date to the ex and it result in a bad date and only be a setback for my healing.

The catch is that I feel the need to date so I can build self confidence back up and just get out and about.

[splashdown]

Well, the other women have one quality that your ex lacks. They're there and they're interested in you. At least interested enough to date you.

 

You're right that spending a date comparing them to your ex- is going to be destructive...to them and to you. So just resolve not to do that, to take each person on their own merits. You're probably not going to find someone to love on the first date, so just relax and try to have fun.

[Jayar]

I think it's great the bar was set high! Now you are, by default, going to breeze through the ones that simply won't make the cut. You won't spend time trying to change them, trying to accept things about them you know you won't be able to...

 

My ex set the bar quite high for me as well. It's just made it easier for me to know what I want in a relationship now, and so what if the next 20 guys I date "don't make the cut"?! Thanks to the bar my ex set, that's 20 guys I won't waste 5 minutes on... The "old me" pre-bar setting would have probably tried to see the best in the first of that 20 guys, tried to make it work, and been stuck in an unfullfilling relationship for months/years before getting to move on to the next guy.

 

You should look at it as a positive your ex was so great... It means there ARE great women out there! Best of luck!

[GuitarmanIII]

Hey Eli, I'm in the same boat as you. It's a catch 22 isn't it? You want to date other girls but the thought of the X or 'the one that got away' still persists. I've been single now for about 6 months and have started to date again. It's time to get my mojo back...so to speak.

 

My sister in law advised me to put full concentration on the new girl while with her...try to block out all else.

 

I think Jayar makes a good point. We have a better knowledge of what it is that we want now...to better sort the good from the not so good.

 

My two cents.

 

G

[pinkelephant]

I think first, you have to knock her off her pedestal.

 

 

Before, when I looked at my ex, I thought I saw perfection. After a while, I took a step back and when we went out to dinner last wednesday, I realize... he's not all I thought he was and was kind of repulsed at the time. I also realized that I CAN do so much better and that there ARE so much better.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Elithepi -

 

A question - have you been out on a date yet and found yourself comparing them to the ex or are you just worried that you will do that?

 

Its been 8 months since my breakup and after a miserable attempt on a fling with a friend right after the breakup I decided to really take my time before getting out there again. I finally went out on a first date last night. I was sooooo nervous and I was dreading it for over a week before, losing sleep and everything. The guy was so different from my ex that there was no risk of me even trying to compare them. I actually had a good time! It wasn't anything I could imagine turning into a serious relationship at any point but he was smart and fun to talk to and that was enough for me for now as I cant really deal with much more. Baby steps. On my way home I was elated - I felt so good about myself for finally doing this and taking that step. I sent the guy an email and told him I had a good time and would like to see him again and he hasnt responded. Im fine with that, not feeling rejected or anything. I'm pretty sure he thought I was guarded (he kinda said so) but you know what - its ok! I had no expectations whatsoever. The most important thing for me is that Ive made a progress and taken a step forward.

 

So in answer to your question - just dont set a bar. Start by just getting out there and meeting new people. Setting a bar applies to relationship, not one date. On my way to the date last night I kept thinking "its just a date, its just a date". That really made it a lot easier.

 

There is someone out there that is as wonderful as your ex but being that you sound like you're not completely over her, its probably best that you don't find that certain someone just yet cause you might not notice.

[splashdown]

yeah, what pinkelephant said.

 

I don't know how long you've been broken up, but if you're still in the "i miss her" stage, maybe now isn't such a good time to date anyone. You're only going to do the comparison, and the date probably isn't going to come out very well in that.

 

Clearly there was some problem with the relationship...either with her or you or (most likely) both. Maybe now is the time to be working on yourself rather than dating.

[elithepi]

Jayar, you are correct. But I don't even want to waste one minute of my time on the ones that don't messure up.

I guess I'm jaded. lol

 

Guitarman, it is a catch 22, exactly.

 

Pinkelephant. Yeah I may have put her on a pedestal but the ONLY thing I didn't like about her was the way she broke it off. Everything else was really what I wanted. But that is another catch. If someone that was everything I wanted but turned out to hurt me....well, you know what I'm saying.

[rabbitskin]

 

My ex set the bar quite high for me as well. It's just made it easier for me to know what I want in a relationship now, and so what if the next 20 guys I date "don't make the cut"?! Thanks to the bar my ex set, that's 20 guys I won't waste 5 minutes on... The "old me" pre-bar setting would have probably tried to see the best in the first of that 20 guys, tried to make it work, and been stuck in an unfullfilling relationship for months/years before getting to move on to the next guy.

 

 

I think this is a brilliant philosophy! I'm going to keep this in mind when it's time to move on... I feel great just thinking of all the time I'll save not trying to make something that is obviously awkward work, trying to spare feelings by not rejecting out of hand (which sounds mean, but leaves me like Jayar, stuck in an unfulfilling relationship by trying *too* hard).

[elithepi]

I went out on a stupid "blind date" and it was torture.

Left a bad taste in my mouth.

It's been 3 months. Yeah I still miss her but I feel the need to get back out. Maybe not date or if I do, avoid dating an unknown.

I realize, thinking about it, I shouldn't have a problem if I find someone interesting enough to me I'll be able to put the ex in the back of my mind in her proper place.

I just had a really bad experience recently on that blind date and it has left a real bad taste in my mouth.

[VerySadToday]

I am struggling with this as well. My breakup was 1 year ago.

 

I have a very long history of dating guys when there was absolutely no attraction. I am 41 years old and my ex was the only guy I was ever attracted to.

 

Dating someone that I feel grossed out by, makes me soooo depressed about the breakup.

 

I have tried to force myself to enjoy a physical relationship with the new guy but I don't have any attraction.

 

 

 

 

You might be on the right track with your suggestion in that maybe if you find someone new who is interesting then it will be much easier to forget the ex.

 

I feel depressed because I can't have my ex back and the replacement boyfriend grosses me out. It feels like I have been cursed twice.

[HDD]

Elithepi, dont let a blind date ruin your quest to meet new people. It was one bad experience and you will probably have many more bad ones so you can actually appreciate the good ones. and you know what, even though your ex was the best at everything and she was perfect, remember no body is perfect!! not even your ex. she did something wrong.. the way she broke up with you... if she was perfect in everyway, then that would be different. so, there ARE women out there who will Match up to her, and probably be even better. Now you know how it feels to be with someone who you think is ideal for you, so go look for that in other women. have fun and be +ve about your future prospects.

I am almost in my 3rd month of my breakup and i got asked out on a date last week while I was on vacation. it felt good to be asked out by a guy who was very attractive and very well qualified. and it gave me hope that maybe there will be others out there for me who will be better than my ex. my ex was not perfect, but i loved him anyways for who he was. I miss him immensely and i did compare him with the new guy. but it wasnt as bad as i thought becuase it was just a date, nothing happened. i just made a friend, u know. i know there are better guys out there but its just hard to move on when you've been with someone for so long and you still love him. it takes time and effort to meet new people... and I know you will be able to find someone special!!!

Good luck and keep us posted.

[elithepi]

HDD that is a positive I have taken.

It is nice to have finally met someone who is ideal.

It's just a bit discouraging to have lost the ideal person. It makes me think that if it took me so many partners through the years to find the ideal person will I go through the same drawn out process.

BUT, now that I know what I like, I CAN be picky knowing what I think I want.

And it's that catch again, really she wasn't perfect, she left me.