in a relationship and friends with the opposite sex ok?

[sadandsoconfused]

..................

[Hubbys_glitter_is_gold]

theres two things you can do in this situation that i would do. Get male friends of your own or befriend his exs. If you get your own male friend and he gets jealous just say dont you have gal friends. or become friends with his ex and gal friends. HE'll hate that and probably stop talking to them being afraid that they may tell you some things.

[Scotcha]

The only way I could ever feel comfortable about my fiance being friends with an ex was if the relationship was never anything serious. He does have a few female friends though and I don't mind.. But.. He never hangs out with them one on one. I wouldn't mind this too much if he did unless they were going out to eat or to a movie. In my mind that's a date and that is where I personally would draw the line. He doesn't really talk to them on the phone but I would be bothered by him talking to females on the phone for hours.. Does he talk on the phone with his male friends for this long? Is he talkative in general?

 

He may genuinely not be bothered or would not be bothered by you having similar relationships with other males.. It's rather personal how different people feel about this issue. You really can't tell someone who they can and cannot be friends with. If his relationship with them is respectable is this something you could handle or would you rather be with someone who shared views similar to your own?

[Timebandit]

I think it has more to do with a persons behaviour to do, than if a person has friends of the opposite sex while being in a commited relationships.

 

If the person knows his limits, don´t spend excessive amount of time with members of the opposite sex, as well as not being unappropriately intimate with them (physically or emotionally), I honestly don´t see a problem. But it all comes down to the integrity of the person.

 

In your case, I would probably say that he was at least being inconsiderate in the way that he dealt with his exes. I would probably have been a bit suspicious too.

[renaissancewoman101]

Scotcha, I respectfully beg to differ from you, going out to eat with an ex can not be considered a date. Friends do that, go out to eat together. So, if an ex is a friend, that should not be a problem.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I would be leary. Personally I would not like my gf to be friends with many of her ex's, nor have lots of friends of the opposite sex.

 

I think it's okay to be friends with people of the opposite sex, but like going out to dinner one on one, without inviting you? Or talking on the phone for hours at a time?

 

Not for me.

[laboheme]

What kind of guy is he in general? I've known some guys who are chick magnets in the platonic sense because they are sweet and understanding, so girls come to them to discuss problems that they are having with their relationship and get things from a male perspective.

 

When you talk to him about this problem, what are his reactions? Does he act defensive (bad sign) or try to be logical (good sign)? When he talks to his gal pals, is it because they really need his help, or does he prefer their company over yours? If they are calling him because they are having a problem, I think it's okay to talk for quite a while...or if they haven't talked in a long time. If you needed him at the same time that one of them did, whom would he choose? As far as going out to eat, I would draw the line at lunch. I could maybe accommodate dinner if it was at a fast food place where they are just meeting for a short while, not a nicer place where they can take their time.

 

Are there a couple of girls that he favors over others? If there are, maybe that's reason to be suspicious...I personally think that if he maintains regular contact with a large crowd of girls (as opposed to focusing on one for a month, then another while the first one is forgotten, and so forth), he's probably just friends with them, because he wouldn't be able to have romantic/sexual relationships with them without word getting out...

[Thunderforce]

Hmmm... well to be honost sometimes I feel a bit ackward if the guy I'm seeing is having an appointment with his ex or a femalefriend but then I remind myself that Love is not about controll, it's about having a commitment in freedom in trust and respect eachothers life and that also includes the persons he wish to be friends with ex, male or female. By telling to give up on that you controll his 'being' ... If he's not to be trusted it will come out anyway if you ask him to give up to see his (ex) friends or not...

 

Having that said, I'm still in contact with some of my exes and also I have mailfriends. Some have been there all my life. I cannot just give up on them ... Try to put yourself in his situation. And consider ... the ex is an ex for a reason ..... they didn't match together in a romantic way but that doesn't count out the friendship that was build in time.

[renaissancewoman101]

Thunderforce, that's very true, esp with your last statement, "the ex is an ex for a reason ..... they didn't match together in a romantic way but that doesn't count out the friendship that was build in time". A lot of time friendships turn into relationships, and when the relationship doesnt work out, then friendship is all that is left.

[pinkelephant]

Hm, I'm wondering why he's friends with ALL of his exs.

 

 

My ex bf had that issue, he was considerate about it and was being logical about it as far as I knew, but I always felt there were something wrong. Well, now, I am his ex and he's trying to keep me around and puts way more effort than a friend should into a friendship. If his current girlfriend knows, I dont think she'd be very happy. But she doesn't. I doubt she even has a clue.

 

 

Some guys are very good at covering their track and appearing logical. Becareful.

 

Being friends with ALL of his ex's would make me think he has an inability to let go... but that's just me.

[Scotcha]

renaissancewoman101- I know many others do not feel the way I do about their partner going out to the movies or for dinner one on one with a member of the opposite sex. It is why I said, "In my mind," and that is is where I "personally" would draw the line.

 

It also ties in to my last paragraph.. That opinions on this vary from person to person and the OP needs to figure out if this is something she can handle or not in her relationship.

 

I myself have ended a relationship because the person I was dating went to dinner or a movie with another female, even after knowing this is something I am NOT okay with. I'm happy in my decision and never once regretted it or felt I was being unfair.. Especially because I have found someone (many someones actually) that does not do this... It is one of my "rules to date me" and I don't compromise on those!

 

There are so many different opinions on this whole issue of being friends with ex's and friends with someone of the opposite sex. My mother cannot be happy with a man who even has female friends.. And she is happy with a man who feels the same way.

 

I feel that as long as her boyfriend is being respectable in his friendships then he is doing nothing wrong per se. That doesn't mean that she is wrong for the way she feels. She like me is uncomfortable with her boyfriend going out to eat with other females. And if I were her I also would be uncomfortable with the long telephone conversations and it would bother me to no end that he is friends with ALL his ex's.

 

Someone in this relationship has to compromise and be happy with that decision or no one is going to be happy at all. If no one is willing then the relationship will fail. It doesn't really matter who bends either because both of them are right or at least not wrong.

 

sadanconfused- His reaction to you when you brought this up seems very defensive to me. I am thinking that perhaps this issue has been a problem in his relationships before... For this relationship to work on of you will have to "change" and he is making it clear it won't be him. Is there any way that you can come to peace with his female friends? Is there anything he can do that may help you feel more comfortable, maybe even including you in the friendship? Come to a decision that you can live with and makes you the happiest.. And then stick to it, what ever it may be.

[fnlyfrei]

I had the same controversy with an ex....he had tons of female friends...some he had dated, some had entertained the thought of dating him...some were just friends. A few he talked of endlessly and with great affection...I got tired of hearing about them. We broke up. I started dating someone else...and my ex wanted to be my "friend" too...even after he was dating someone else. He even emailed me a few LONG mails telling me he loved me and wanted me back...while with the other girl. So my theory that he kept all those females around to stroke his ego..and for the bit of drama of watching me squirm was SPOT ON. He enjoyed that I grew uncomfortable and jealous. No, we aren't "friends" because it was a big facade on his part. And I love and respect my new man too much to play the friendship game with him. If you do have a friend of the oppasite sex...make sure it is actually a friend...and not someone you WISH you were still dating...or wanted to date. Creepy. It gets so confibulated when people mis-use the term. You can admire and like someone...be friends...and keep it at that. If you can't...I guess that shows your lack of commitment or insecurity in yourself.

[Scotcha]

well, the thing is i've already broken-up with him because of this. we kind of know that we still have some feelings for each other more or less. i used to think that i can compromise over a situation like this but he wasn't willing to compromise at all. i mean i understand when you say "You really can't tell someone who they can and cannot be friends with" but not when every conversation we have there's something about a female friend popping up. i mean i just got so tired of hearing about his female friends doing this or that.... on and on. i'm mean he's never secretive about it but that doesn't make it ok to be so friendly to them. or sometimes, i really do think it's the girls. just why are they always calling him even when they have a bf.

 

Wow, I totally skipped over this post!

 

I can relate to how you are feeling.. I've been there before myself and I find it uncomfortable as well. In fact, like I mentioned before, I've broken up with people for it as well.

 

The reason why these girls are calling him even when they are taken is probably for the same reason why your boyfriend is friends with them.. They both hold a similar view, one that differes from yours.

 

I would suspect it is innocent but I really do understand why you ended the relationship and I would have done the same.