Help Meeee

[sleex]

okay, so ive written on here SOOOO many times about my boyfriends relationship w/ his ex. and I dont know what im going to do. I dont know what to do. I'm so confused. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now, he broke up with his ex girlfriend 3 months before him and i started dating. They dated for 5 years (high school relationship) anyway they remained friends. She also has a new boyfriend. I knew getting into this relationship they were friends, but it still PISSES ME OFF when she calls him. In the beginning he was understanding about how she called him so much that he told her to stop calling him so much, especially if she knows im with him. But now if she calls or anything and I get pissed, he gets so angry with me. He says hes such of me being so insecure. I just DONT GET what they have to talk about. Why does he care what shes doing in her life? He's not with her anymore? Also she would send him pictures of herself in a bra, and just random pictures of herself. this pissed me off, what is she doing doing that? Not only that but I've almost become obsessed with her existence. I'll go out og my way to try and make him talk about her, ill think of specific instances where i knew they were together and almost make him talk about her. I'll look her up on myspace, facebook just to see pictures of her. I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. This isn't me! I am never intimidated of other girls, but she just bugs me so much. I hate to think that he's kissed her, been in love with her. The only upside is that they never had sex, him and i have. But it still bothers me. From what I know/heard about her she doesnt seem like his type AT ALL. but really, why do i care so much? Why is he so adamant about staying friends with her when he knows it breaks my heart? Am i being completely psychotic? someone please tell me how to quit my insecurity and addiction!!!!!!

 

SRY didnt mean for it to be so long

[karvala]

It's difficult to judge without knowing even more about the situation. How often does she call, and is it as often now as it was when you first started dating your bf?

 

He cares what happens in her life because he remains friends with her, and they were together for a period of time, so she's part of his history, of who he is now. That's not unreasonable of him, although it's also perfectly reasonable for you to be uncomfortable with it.

 

If she calls every day, or multiple times per day, then I can see why you would be bothered. On the other hand, if she only calls a couple of times a week or less, then personally I wouldn't see it as being too much, or something to feel threatened by, but it's very difficult to quantify these things.

 

Her sending him pictures of her in her bra is not normal, and in my view not acceptable, and he should see that as well. I doubt her current bf is enormously happy with it, either, if he even knows about it.

 

On the other hand, as you recognise, the situation has pushed certain buttons in you, and triggered an overwhelming insecurity that you've responded to with a characteristic obsession behaviour, that will require serious effort to stop now.

 

I think you should have a one-time major talk with your bf about this situation, hammer out between you what is regarded as reasonable by both of you (frequency of calling, no pictures in bra etc.), and then he must communicate this to her, if necessary explaining why. Then he and she must make an effort to stick with it, and you must a very serious effort not to comment adversely again when she does call or does anything else that has been agreed as acceptable.

 

You really do need this agreement between your bf and yourself, otherwise this obsession is only going to grow, and drive a serious wedge between the two of you eventually.

[flower99]

Oh wow, this is a hard one.

You did get into this knowing the friendship...Do you trust him?? or are you conerned there is still something there? I think you either have to accept it or walk away from it.

Honestly if my bf ex was sending pictures of herself in a bra, I would find that VERY inappropriate. You've voiced your concern, and he continues. what more can you do? Like you said, he knows it breaks your heart...and he continues, maybe he isn't the one for you.

It's driving you crazy, you are doing things, that you say...isn't you (and i believe it) and it's only going to get worse!

I could tell you to quit your insecurity & addiction...but is it so easy to quit????????If you can quit, Do it! but if not, than I suggest get out of the relationship. Because you aren't comfortable & happy & the friendship is going to continue....In more time....(give it another year or two) You won't like the person you become.

[caro33]

There's been a few of us in this type of situation. I was in one too, I am familiar with the obsession taking hold and the constant thoughts of her. But right now you are making this what it is, and you need to get some perspective. Some things are in your control here, specifically your own behaviour and the boundaries you establish.

 

First, work out what you want here. Do you want him as a boyfriend? Do you have views about what contact is appropriate between exes? Different people have different views: you need to work out what your own standards are, and find a quiet way to communicate them calmly to him. It's then up to him to decide what he wants to do. It's okay to say that you've made a mistake previously and you've changed your mind. Maybe it's not okay with you that she calls at all, maybe you only can handle once every few weeks. Be honest and frank about your needs, and be as fair on him as possible. This is about you at the moment, not about him.

 

Second, get a grip of yourself. I've been there, I know that sometimes you just react and you do know at the time that on some level you are being unfair. The minute that background "I know I'm being unfair but I don't care I'm just so hurt" feeling kicks in, stop it. Walk away. You need to get control here. You need to manage your own reactions. Don't scare this guy off.

 

Third, realise you'll have bad days no matter how well you manage this. You'll have times of anger or insecurity. But you just need to acknowledge them and deal with them. Let the moment pass, because it will. Distract yourself.

 

These are all just suggestions. I won't pretend I have the answer, but I want you to know that I have largely managed it. I still check for her on the internet sometimes though, but I use ENA as a distraction from that.

 

It might not help, but you need to see that he has a history, as do you. His history is key to who he is now, and what brought you guys together. Don't turn this into a dealbreaker if you don't have to. You can get some control here, and you can make this less of an issue if you want to.

 

Edit: Here's someone else experiencing something like you are at the moment: