how fast does your dating progress into a physical relationship?

[Altruist]

My philosophy is that sex should be reserved for matrimony. A couple should take time to know each other before. Here what I believe to be a suitable timeline:

0 months Man meets woman, they start spending time together

6 months Start holding hands and other physical contact

1 year Start kissing

1.5 years A bit of petting

2 years Marriage (if the relationship has progressed well thus far), and sex thereafter.

 

Of course, opinions differ, but I believe this is a foolproof way to have a fulfilling long term relationship. The 'McDonalds' relationships that are taking place these days fail miserably after a few weeks because peple are not taking the time to get to know each other first.

[Karhu]

WOW, what an amazing response! Thank you everyone who has posted, hopefully there will be many more posts as I find this a very intriguing topic, and it’s good to get a feel of how everyone sees it. This is obviously a nice and friendly forum.

 

Yes, I think there are two factors, emotional compatibility and sexual compatibility. In the end I think you need both for a long lasting relationship.

 

I just dont think ya get me

 

it may SEEM like a relationship ends quicker becuase of having sex early, whereas the relationship just was sex... it never would have started anyway.

 

I dont know how to explain it properly.

Its more... it lasted LONGER becuase of sex... from a few dates with someone you dont like, to a couple of months with someone you like bedding...

 

 

Yes, I think you have a point here, and in a way this probably makes it hard to really compare statistics, as what do you define as a relationship etc.

 

 

Ok, this is the line I had issue with.

 

Maybe I should have phrased it more as a question if this is the case.

[FortunateOne]

I am just curious how fast people generally progress through the stages of dating into a more serious relationship............. how long does it take before the stage of holding hands? the first kiss? hand on back? hand on chest? full contact? first time having sex? etc.

 

Obviously this is different for everyone, but it all boils down to what type of political or morale lifestyle you perscribe to. My self I am of a conservative nature and maintain a active role in living my faith which influence my female relationships to be "friends" before taking it the next steps.

 

So, after the initial meeting I usually wait 5 to 6 months before holding hands, first kiss and caressing acts, but I make a choice to suspend any and all sexual intimacy until the ultimate commitment of marriage. I'm not perfect, as no one is, which has given way to temptation on previous relationships.

 

When it's occurred my relationship positively teach me since I feel betrayed by my own lack of discipline to control my selfish animal instinct and, unjustifiably, lowers my respect of the woman it happened with. It's not easy to keep a balance between faith and instinct, but these are the trials or lessons we must acknowledge in order to live as we want.

 

I know in the past I’ve often gotten a bit carried away, progressed too fast and as Newton’s rule, one force causes an opposite force, so when you come in too close too fast then you’ll bounce back away from each other.

 

Well, to borrow your anology, the first law would cover the emotional mental health that comprise your current life as a steady unwavering belief that continues to fulfill your confident self. The second law would be the sum total momentum of your current strong emotinal and spiritual foundation multiplied by the personal growth you bring into your life. thereforeeee, the third law that you mention will be of such character momentum that when an outside negative force acts the reaction would bounce off your person as a ghat bounces of a locomotive.

 

This is why a solid self respect is so vital to the healthy emotional control we seek in our actions. Mind that we're not perfect and we do fall on occasion which is a required prerequisite in the journey that is life. So don't let past negative experiences affect the strong and healthy woman you are and want to become. Remember, you control you and discern the right course for you.

 

Reading these makes me feel like I move as fast as a snail

 

No, your standard are yours alone and to compare yourself to others is not a positive reflection of what your helpful posts represent here on ENA.

 

I think in general there is a higher risk that moving too fast physically leads to early burnout. I don't because to me intimacy and emotional closeness have to go hand in hand. We all draw our lines. I am fine making out early on (but usually not the first date) but prefer to wait at least a few months before we have sex -- for health reasons as well since I want him to have abstained for at least 6 months before we have sex so that his STD test will be accurate. But 99% of the reason is emotional. I've never had casual sex and I know I wouldn't enjoy it and would feel bad about myself if I had sex too early and without a commitment.

 

How I wish this was the attitude that people adopt in order to mitigate quite a lot of heart ache.

 

Why would you suggest this?

 

1. There is a finite number of times a couple can have sex before it starts to get boring/fizzles.

 

2. That one or the other partner draws some inference between the having sex early in a relationship and undesirable characteristics in a person.

 

I don't think either has any validity. I've had relationships where I've waited. I've had relationships where we has sex almost immediately (as in my current).

 

In neither case has it had any bearing on the duration of those relationships.

 

I don't see the connection but I could be missing your meaning.

 

#3. The emotinal foundation that's required from the equally yoked partners as the relationship progresses, unless one partner is in the dominant position which would be the exception or unequaly yoked.

 

^^ or that you base the relationship around sex, which is entirely possible. But then, if you have great sex with someone early on you are more likely to forgive undesirable behaviour. The relationship wouldnt have worked anyway.

 

Yes, it's what happens when the emotional relationship is driven by flippant instictual liberties rather then a healthy disciplined self respect.

 

lol

okies

if you have sex straight away, and its great... you might keep chugging on in the relationship even if its entirely unsuitable. sex is a very strong thing... (my last "relationship" was like that... I coudlnt stand his company, except for in bed.)

 

whereas if you have a few dates, find out you dont like their personality and stop seeing him, then you will never stick around just for the sex, will you?

 

People equate a sexual compatibility with an emotional compatibility quite a lot...

 

Yes, that's why mutual self analysis and growth is vital to a healthy relationship and this can only happen by creating a emotinal foundation before romantic intimacy.

 

OK...I sort of get that. But how does it fit in with the OPs hypothesis that the sooner you have sex the sooner your relationship is going to end?

 

I mean if you have sex on day 1, the sex is bad so you bail out...well you haven't really had a relationship have you (this is assuming that we make relationship decisions based on the quality of sex)

 

If you have sex on the 40th day and the sex is bad so you bail out, what have you achieved? You've sort of just wasted 40 days?

 

I don't know, I've lost myself here.

 

Quite simply, the emotinal seriousness of the parties involved. The OP's hypothesis is some what congruent to the depth of positive emotinal growth in one's life. And, as we grow we become more serious about our expectations. This is why I opine that sex should not be introduced until the ultimate commitment of marriage for there to be deep loving bond.

 

I just dont think ya get me

 

it may SEEM like a relationship ends quicker becuase of having sex early, whereas the relationship just was sex... it never would have started anyway.

 

I dont know how to explain it properly.

Its more... it lasted LONGER becuase of sex... from a few dates with someone you dont like, to a couple of months with someone you like bedding...

 

And this is emotinally positive to one's self esteem in what way?

 

Maybe because if you wait, then even when the sexual thrill/passion fades some you have a strong foundation of friendship and a strong emotional bond to fall back on and more of a motivation to reignite the spark? Or, if one person has sexual performance issues, the couple who knows each other well is more likely to work on it together because of the strong foundation. Or .. . . if the thrill fades first for one person and she/he doesn't want to have sex as often, if it is week three, the other person may just leave and cut her/his losses whereas if that is further in and the couple is emotionally attached, they will more likely go with the flow.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Yes! Exactly!

 

Well I don't really care if you wait or not. Whatever each individual wants to do.

 

But lets take two hypothetical relationships. Both are at the 2 year mark. In both relationships the initial passion has waned and things are going a bit routine. They've either got to fire up or break up. So for this hypothetical, these relationships are identical.

 

Except, in relationship 1, they had sex within 3 days of meeting whereas in relationship 2 they had waited 2 months before having sex.

 

So according to the general drift of the OP or the quote above, relationship 2 actually has a better chance to survive because of that wait.

 

Personally I don't buy it. I wouldn't buy it at 1 year either. I just don't see the connection. You still get to know each other, get close to each other, form bonds, fall in love with each other whether you are having sex in those early days or not.

 

This doesn't make sense since you argue the relationships are "identical" and yet there's an outside variable that's inconsistent. This is why this is more about individual emotinal indentity issue then anything else. There's no way this can be quantified so thereforeeee her prose is based more on her inductive reasoning of the matter.

 

I disagree because I think sex early on can cloud judgment, cloud the issues, complicate getting to know each other for a variety of reasons and complicate a relationship when it's still new and fragile. Waiting lets the couple get to know each other - emotionally, physically - at a more reasonable pace free of those complications.

 

Yes! I second this quote.

 

Well maybe one day someone will do a decent study and we'll have some empirical evidence one way or the other.

 

I can't see any connection between length of relationship and how quickly you have sex but I've been off rotation for many years so maybe the rules have changed.

I believe there have been studies but can't quote it. what I see in real life is more relationships that start out sexually right away burn out faster than where the couple waits and gets to know each other.

 

I'm not aware of any studies but, I'll admit, my opinion is influenced in an unfair way due to my personal faith and life experience. I hope some study will turn up to see the results.

[Batya33]

And. . .perhaps it is also because often one person isn't ready but has sex anyway to please his/her partner - that can create problems with trust, insecurities, that wouldn't have been there had the person asserted himself and waited.

 

Having said that I know of several happy marriages that started with a one night stand or sex very early on.

[melrich]

This doesn't make sense since you argue the relationships are "identical" and yet there's an outside variable that's inconsistent.

 

No if you read the post again it says the relationships are identical in the hypothesis EXCEPT in one sex was had within days and in the other sex was had after a month or two.

 

So for this hypothetical, these relationships are identical.

 

Except, in relationship 1, they had sex within 3 days of meeting whereas in relationship 2 they had waited 2 months before having sex

 

You see I do actually agree with the OP in a sense. I think the having or not having sex can affect the potential for a relationship early days.

 

But once you are into a relationship, at say 6 months, a year, two years, I don't believe there is any connection between the longevity of the relationship going forward and at what stage you first had sex (assuming this is a sexual relationship).

 

In fact, in the 5 or 6 longish term relationships I've had, I'd actually have to think back to remember when it was in each relationship we first had sex. In my experience it is just not a faxctor in a RELATIONSHIP. I do agree it could be a factor in whether a relationship actually gets off the ground in the first place.

 

That is just my beliefs and my experience. There may well be a study out there that proves the opposite. It's just not my experience.

[EvaGina]

Yes, it's what happens when the emotional relationship is driven by flippant instictual liberties rather then a healthy disciplined self respect.

 

And this is emotinally positive to one's self esteem in what way?

 

I didnt say that it was emotionally healthy, but you are being rather judgmental... some people just like sex, and arent into relationships.

[Batya33]

I agree that typically, whether a long term relationship works out likely will not depend on when the couple had sex, except if the following:

 

the early sex reflected a difference in values that keeps reappearing at different stages of the relationship - or, he told her, for example in the beginning that he considered this just a one night stand and this mindset continued where she got progressively more serious and he did not.

 

one or both partners had early sex because they were on the rebound and stayed in the relationship mostly because the sex was good without really getting to know each other

[melrich]

the early sex reflected a difference in values that keeps reappearing at different stages of the relationship - or, he told her, for example in the beginning that he considered this just a one night stand and this mindset continued where she got progressively more serious and he did not.

 

one or both partners had early sex because they were on the rebound and stayed in the relationship mostly because the sex was good without really getting to know each other

 

Yeah I would agree with both of those things but to me that is throwing in variables that make the posit not entirely about the impact of having sex early on the longevity of a relationship.

 

If values are skewiff or there is a rebound situation involved or the relationship is about only sex then I think all or any of those issues are going to mean the relationship will not last long.

 

I am just talking about all things being equal, is there a relationship between having sex early (or waiting) and the longevity of the relationship (and assuming a relationship has been entered into).

[Batya33]

Yes, because I think even early impressions can affect the longevity of the relationship and if one person has in the back of his/her mind that it started out too fast or in an uncomfortable way, that can impact and color later events, affect trust issues, etc. So, if one person regrets having sex early on for some reason or didn't believe the other person was really into her/him for more than sex until later, that can show up in other issues down the road.

 

Sorry if I am not understanding your hypothetical or inquiry.

[melrich]

Well I think you have got it.

 

if one person has in the back of his/her mind that it started out too fast or in an uncomfortable way

 

but that is another variable, it's not about having sex too early, it is about one person being uncomfortable with that fact or (I guess what you are saying) feeling like they were pressured into it.

 

I go back to the OP. His posit was that having sex early in a relationship had an impact on the longevity of the relationship. Best of my memory he didn't say when people had early sex and one of them is uncomfortable with it.

[Batya33]

OK well if the question is where two people have sex early on where both are on the same wavelength, both feel equally comfortable with having sex early on, does it have an impact on the longevity of the relationship once it goes into long term mode? I don't know. I guess I would have to start a post on what is the relevant question - given that there are so many variable in how people approach the timing of intimacy, expectations about early intimacy, different values, standards, etc when it comes to sex does having early sex affect the longevity of a relationship. I think it is relatively unusual that two people are in the former situation - on the same wavelength, etc where they not only are comfortable with early sex, they also both want a serious long term relationship.

 

There are cases of love at first sight where they feel they have met the one, have sex and end up in a happy marriage. In either case - the same wavelength situation or the love at first sight situation I would not advise someone to have early sex if they want a long term relationship because the chances of either of those two situations are relatively unusual.

 

And of course the two people have to be on the same wavelength about what to do if pregnancy results from early sex - a topic rarely discussed early on other than whether birth control is being used (which isn't 100% effective).

[Karhu]

that's a good question batya.

has anyone found any hard research? any scientific studies? links or artcles?

i think there is a lot more to this topic.

[ghost69]

it can just turn into a bummer if you wait too long let it built up then splat, that's it. geez. not that spectacular.

 

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[EvaGina]

^^ LOL

indeed

I cant even hold out two days!! MONTHS would killme!