HUGE Age Gap

[amk]

I'm 19 (well, I will be in less than two weeks). I have lived on my own for about 7 months now. I graduated Highschool, I have a full time job, I pay my own bills, and I don't rely on my parents for anything. before I moved out, they guy that I am dating was my best friend. We went out to the movies and hung out and all that fun stuff. My parents weren't all that excited about it, because of his age, but they didn't stop me since it was a strictly friend only relationship. They made it quite clear that they would not approve of us having a more serious relationship. A couple of weeks before I moved out of my parents house, our relatioship changed. Of course I didn't tell my parents that.

 

The guy I'm dating is 5 years older than my parents. He's 49. I know his intentions, he's good to me in every way and I care so much about him. We have also talked about moving in together. My mom has been asking about our current relationship and I am reluctant to tell her. I want to tell her, but I'm afraid to lose the relationship I have with her. She thinks he's a pretty decent guy but still doesn't want us to be together. Which I can understand. So how can I tell my mom that I am dating him? Should I tell her?

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you so much.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Tell her exactly what you told us.

 

"I want to tell you something, but I've been afraid to because I don't want to lose my relationship with you."

 

If she gives you the okay, reassurance that no matter what you say, she'll still love you and be your mom (which any good parent outta say), then tell her that you are dating this guy.

 

Be honest with her, but I guess be prepared for the worst. Whats the worst she can do? stop talking to you? Eventually she'll come around.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Okay, I've got to say my mouth fell open when I read the age difference.

 

I'm 20 and have always dated guys older than me, but the oldest was no more than 10 years older than me.

 

Your parents were okay with you being such good friends with a 49 year old man?

 

I'm curious, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is older than your father?

 

If it were me in this position, I probably wouldn't tell my parents. Do you see this relationship being long-term?

 

I don't know, think of it this way. When you're 40, he'll be 70...

 

How long have you been with this guy? What's so great about him that other guys, closer in age to you, don't have?

 

I appologize if this comes accross badly, but how does this help the OP with her issue of bringing up her relationship with this guy, with her mother? I'm guessing every point you've mentioned has been repeated to her ad nauseum.

 

While I wouldn't necessarily date someone who is much older than I am, the OP is her own person and we should respect that decision, up until she posts about whether or not we think it's a good idea.

[Daddy Bear]

You're a legal adult; I won't question your life choices. BUT... if you promised your folks that you wouldn't date someone - for whatever reason - and you later got into a relationship with that person, it might be the best thing to at least let them know that you weren't able to keep that promise.

 

I don't know if I could live up to that advice myself, but coming clean seems like the right thing to do.

[melrich]

I'd tell them. You can't control how they are going to react but if this is to be any sort of long term relationship they are going to find out anyway. They may as well find out now.

[Siriana]

Well, how long are you dating? 7 months?

I would wait to see if this relationship is really going to be long term, than I would tell them.

So waiting few more months would be good. Just to make shure you woan't change your mind and cause stress to your parents over nothing.

[Lboogie23]

when i was 19 i dated a 51 year old man. and i don't think there is anything wrong with it, you can't really control who you love. sometimes you would be surprised who you have chemistry with.

Anyways, i think if your just casually dating and you live in your own place with your own life then its your own business who you decide to see and your really not in any obligation to tell your parents.

But if its going to be long term, then you probably should let them know. they can't stay mad at you forever, and it may even help them to realize that you are an adult capable of making your own decisions.

[Alexis_failure]

To be honest, you live on your own, and you sound like an idependant sensible woman. Of course you're gonna want your parent's approval, but if you really ike this guy and can see this becoming a long term relationship, then go with what your heart tells you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, the thing is you can't hide it from your parents forever anyway if you are intending on moving in together... so you might as well just out with it...

 

you will probably make many decisions over your lifetime that they don't like, but you also have to understand they probably have their own reasons for not liking this situation, and are entitled to their own opinions. parents are always afraid that their young daughters will be taken advantage of, and they may suspect the motives of someone 30 years older pursuing their daughter and be worried about that because they want to protect you. they also may worry that you will still be a vital relatively young woman taking care of a much older man in 15 years, and give your youth to that... but those are all your own choices, and what you decide is up to you.

 

so they have a right to worry about you and want the best for you, but you have a right to live your own life as you choose.

 

if he is a good guy and very sincere, and you do continue to be happy together, they may calm down about it once they see how happy you are. they might be quite upset at first, but i'm sure you won't lose your relationship with them permanently, because you are their daughter.

 

so do your best to allay their fears and worries, and do what you feel is right. you may stay with the man for the next 15-20 years or as long as he lives, or it may just be a nice relationship for a while and then you move on, as many relationships are. but i think it will go better with your parents if you are honest with them and show them you are an adult by how you respect them and live your own life.

[amk]

First of all, I would like to thank you all for your posts back to me. I really appreciate them all. (even your opinions)

 

secondly, I decided that I am going to tell my mom. We go to a family counselor together and I think that that will be the best place to do it. (mainly because she can't kill me with someone else in the room).

 

Thanks again for your replies. I will let you know how it goes. It won't be for another week and a half, but I will do it.

 

Thanks.

 

Take Care!!