I need some help and advice, wife left.

[crashtke]

I am not sure where to start. My wife and I had a problem years ago when we were newly married with her being unfaithful. She never cheated, but was really close and was lying. I lost trust. Since then I have been trying to rebuild the trust. Lately she has started doing some of the same things that led me to get suspicious the first time and has been acting weird. I knew there were issues, but not so severe as it now appears. 5 days ago she left me. I have had limited contact since. She now tells me that it is because of the lack of trust. She says that she does not know if I will ever trust her again. She says that she does not know if she wants to work it out. I am trying to convince her to come back home, but she is just not doing it. I told her that I would go get some professional counseling with her and again she says she is not ready. Her father, who she is staying with, is trying to convince her to see a counseler, but again she is not being very receptive. I am dying here. We have been married for 4 years and have no kids. I don't know how to act or what to do. Does anyone have any advice.

[Cadence308]

I think the fact that you are sensing that she is acting the same way when she was close to cheating the first time says that you are DEAD on about this. I would be thinking that there is someone else since you and her friend are trying to convince her to go into counseling and she's resisting. The fact that she does not want to work things out says a lot about her. Also, I raised my eyebrow when you mentioned the fact that her being close to cheating the first time was when you were newly married. Newly married and cheating or thinking about it means that she doesn't sound like she took the oath of marriage as seriously as you. Are you sure that you want to be with someone who lies, cheats, doesn't respect you, and doesn't want to work things out?

 

Seriously, you could find someone out there who could give you what you want and need, would respect you, be honest and truthful, committed, and want to be with you. You don't have kids with her. Cut your losses and move on. I know it sounds harsh, but you don't sound happy with her.

[GQstatus]

Sorry to hear about your pain crash.

 

You need to understand it is not YOU, it is HER. Don't let her turn this around on your. She's making you convince yourself YOU need help. Don't let her manipulate you into believing it is you.

 

Any relationship is a two way street. Marriage more so I think. If she's not willing to work on this, just as much as you...that shows you right there she's up to no good. And you'd be better off letting her go her own way, and finding yourself someone who will meet you in the middle.

 

Good luck to you.

[crashtke]

I think some further explaining is probably in order. There were things that I was doing that caused the previous incident. I was not paying her enough attention. Period. She was excited by having guys paying her attention. I realized that and I have tried to change that. We had been in the relationship for a while and I guess I just took her for granted.

 

As for the current situation, she is hurt by the lack of trust on my part. I admit that I have not been very trusting lately at all. Asking her about odd numbers on the phone late at night when I am sitting up letting it bother me till I ask her. Asking her who random guys were on our myspace page (god I hate that site right now). She has told be over and over that she wants more trust, but lately I have been having a really hard time giving it. I was a cop for 5 years and I am not the most trusting person in the world.

 

Current situation. She has been staying with her father and her mother. She has been crying non-stop. I have been talking to her father since this started. She is hurt and she is upset. But, it is almost like something snapped! We have never been a couple that argues or anything like that. It was my lack of trust that drove her away. I can see that now and I realize it. But, I think she started to interpret some things as lack of trust that was really just me taking an interest in her life, or TRYING to maintain the trust that we got back. I did not know how my lack of trust was really effecting her. But, she did not really talk about it with me and there was very little lead in to this. I want to fix things.

 

I love her more than anything. She is the world to me. I have been in a LOT of relationships previous to this one and have never met anyone like her. I want to work this out. I want to fix it. I do not believe that there is anyone else. It is not denial, just nothing really points to that direction right now. Our relationship has been awesome for the overwhelming majority of it. No real fights other than the one near the beginning of the marriage. Since then we have spent every day together and it has all been just incredible till the last 6 months or so.

[Northalius]

I might be totally off on this, but it's just what is coming to mind:

 

1) You're not trusting her, because there are signs (again?!) of her possibly cheating on you.

 

2) She's making the "You don't trust me!" as a mere excuse to leave you, while making it look like it's your fault for doing so.

 

3) She's trying to use that against you, by trying to make you think she's innocent.

 

4) However, she's really cheating on you, but is being really slick about hiding it.

 

5) The pressure is on her, and she hates it; thus, the reason why she's running away from the situation, instead of going on the offensive to try and work it out; to try and earn your trust back... like anyone else that actually loved their husband, would do!

 

-

 

Now, that's my own opinion; take it for what it is. But, I just want you to really consider this as a possibility.

 

I just picked up this book my friend (he's a law enforcement officer, as well) let me borrow a while ago, called Never Be Lied To Again by David J. Lieberman.

 

I just found it the other day laying around, and started reading it. I only got about 10-11 pages in so far, and one thing that sticks out, is that liars go on the defensive when confronted. Liars seek to run away from confrontation. Those that tell the truth, will sit with you, and be glad to answer any and all of your questions in detail. A liar will burst out with a few big one-liners, and seek to end it quick.

 

I believe liars doubt themselves, by knowing they do not have a good story to come up with on the spot, so they want to run away. The guilt kills them so much.

 

The book talks about a lot of signs, verbal and physical, to look out for. I'd suggest you pick it up at Barnes & Nobles one day!

 

Anyway, your post above, just hits me as similar to what I read. I'd be very cautious about this. And it's not your fault for being skeptical of her! If she was telling the truth, then she should be the one to happily talk with you eye to eye about this, and seek ways to definitely prove she's 100% faithful to you.

[ghost69]

she is definitely running from the problem....herself. she thinks getting out of the situation will fix it. wrong. for me, this would be hard to ever take someone back like this, if ever.

 

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[Steelergal]

Based on my experiences with a cheating husband over the last 6 months or so, I agree wholeheartedly with the above posts even though it is probably not what you want to hear.

 

I hate to say this but I now believe that if the person has the potential in them to cheat once...they are going to end up doing it again and again....it's like they either have it in them or they don't...and your wife sounds like she does unfortunately.

 

 

Also....to Northalius...something in your post really clicked for me...

 

I believe liars doubt themselves, by knowing they do not have a good story to come up with on the spot, so they want to run away. The guilt kills them so much.

 

My husband has refused to talk to me in person or over the phone about anything. He will only e-mail. And he wants to e-mail all of our friends to explain his actions rather than talk to them on the phone. I didn't understand this until you wrote that. If he had to talk on the phone, he would have to think too fast to keep up all of the lies. He can carefully plan and manipulate by using e-mail, huh? That is why he is planning on e-mailing all of our friends to defend his actions..because he can set it all up to look good. He is so sneaky...I hate it! Thanks for the insight!

[ghost69]

i would never give a 2nd chance for a cheater.

 

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[CallingAllAngels]

WOW! Thank you for mentioning that book...I'm all over it!

 

My husband cheated on me and hid it for 6 years. Yes, the "affair" is over, but, when questioned, he screams, rants, raves, claims "not to remember". What I NEED from him is what you mentioned above...I need him to sit down and talk to me and answer my questions. He does not, and I have left as a result.

 

I am left only to my imagination how far they went, how long this went on, etc etc etc. It's probably worse than the truth, but, since he won't tell, it's all I have.

 

Without trust, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Trust takes YEARS to build, and only seconds to destroy. Trust me on this one...I had my life ripped out from underneath me in a heartbeat.

 

I would rather have had him tell me himself than find out the way I did. I would rather have had him end the marriage than cheat.

 

I gotta get that book...

 

Thanks,

~Allie

[CallingAllAngels]

"Oh the tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive...."

[ghost69]

i keep reading the title of this thread. everytime i read the title, i'm like "what's the problem?" lol, that sounds bad.