Question about this NC stuff

[mr_echo]

I'm on NC day 3 of an acromonious bust up and there's a question I have about it. If I remain NC and never contact my ex, could it be possible that she will interpret this as me having never loved her in the first place? I know she has her reasons for the split - one of which was that she wants her independence. She did commit to me a few months back and told me how much she loved me and that I was the centre of her world etc. etc. The thing is I always felt she was testing the relationship and kept moving the goalposts. This is all against the backdrop of her accepting free accommodation, money for stuff etc. Now she wants her own place etc. So did I fail in some dept.? Everyone tells me that she is a user and I should not want her back. Sorry for the muddled thinking it's early Is it possible to love someone one minute and hate them the next? We only had one argument at christmas (not even a really bad one but 2 bottles of wine were involved) and I think this was the turning point. Doesn't true love tend to forgive/forget? I'm so confused did I do too much, did I do too little etc. etc. I know NC is for me but will she just lose interest if I continue?

[mr_echo]

I know one thing she's not there for me and probably hasn't been for about 4-5 weeks. She has an all-about-me personality which I didn't recognise at first. She's NC-ing me now too.

[GQstatus]

If she truly loves you, and wants to work things out with you, or be friends, no amount of NC will change that. It will bother her eventually, and she will try to contact.

 

From 17-19 I was in probably the best relationship I ever had. Except I didn't see it that way at the time. I was young, didn't go to school, was into drugs etc. She had her crap together, goal oriented, 4.0, her own place etc. Finally she realized she deserved a lot more than I was giving her, and broke up with me. She cried and cried a week before, begging me to change. Instead of realizing I was about to lose her, I got defensive and told her to quick acting like my mother.

 

She dumped me, and went into IMMEDIATE NC. That was the first time I had ever been rejected, and it hurt, a lot. I cried, blew her phone up, went to her apt and cried outside her door. Made a COMPLETE * * * out of myself. It took a good 3 months to get back on my feet, and when I did, I didn't blame her for leaving.

 

After 6 months of NC, she called me up one day to go to coffee and exchange things we both had of eachothers. I thought "This is my shot". We talked about the past, had a good conversation, and when she dropped me off she started crying saying she missed our friendship, and wanted to start talking again. I couldn't. And I don't know what clicked inside me, but I told her I couldn't talk to her, I loved her dearly, but it was too hard to be her "Friend". She respected that, and I didn't hear from her again.

 

A year later, I get a phone call. I didn't even recognize her voice. I knew threw the grapevine she had been seeing someone else. She called, asked what I had been up to, and said we should get together sometime. Then I never heard from her again.

 

Point of the story is, if things are meant to work out, they will. Although I didn't treat this girl the way I should of, she knew I loved her. And after dumping me, and not contacting me for 6 months, she still thought about me. Then after that, a year later, still thought about me.

 

You make imprints on peoples lives everyday. People don't forget, and if they care enough, and miss that...they will eventually come back in one way or another.

[Zaphod]

Hmmm.... I have a situation not dissimilar to yours.

 

My g/f finished with me a couple of weeks ago, and shortly afterwards started hammering on about "just wanting to be left alone" and "just wanting to chill out" without really explaining things properly to me (I'm still a bit hazy about it).

We had about a week of contact and swapping stuff, then we left it on her saying "well I'll phone you or you phone me then" - I haven't actually got that much to say to her at the moment, and have been NC for about 4 or 5 days now.

 

So kind of parallel to yours. To tell you the truth I'm not sure either and kind of have the same question as you.

 

I think if it's been a while, if you want maybe do a light hearted "hi, just calling to see how you are" and MAKE yourself cut the phone call short before you really get talking about anything, perhaps. Just to show you're still thinking of her but giving her the space.

 

If you are in the same position as me, a bit of space is good at this point. Personally due to recent behaviour I feel I could do with some space to just observe what my ex does, or doesn't do. I feel I don't know her as of late.

[sadk]

Usually if they ended the relationship and they loved you, they ended it for a reason. They need time to heal. But assuming there was some good stuff in the relationship, they'll miss you and think of you. If you're not in contact, they'll notice. I think they may think you've forgotten them, but I doubt that will sit well with them.

 

My situation was unusual, I think. We remained in contact and for a while even thought we might get back together. Then she reached a point where she wanted to stop thinking about that, and it changed to maybe at some time in the way off future, you never know. Then she started dating. I didn't handle that well. We had a couple of weeks of NC, I suggested we end it, she said no, that she'd moved on and didn't want me in her life anymore. But a week later she contacted me and never talked about what had been said previously. We just resumed as friends with no explanation. That was almost a year ago. We're still friends. Maybe if I didn't live 5 hours away, something more might happen. Or maybe she still needs time to heal. I told her that I don't want to move so far from my son again, and I just started a great new job, so nothing is going to happen between us. I still love her and I believe she still loves me, but our situations stop anything that might happen if we were free to live closer. Unlike most people here, I'm glad we're friends. Instead of healing through NC, I chose to heal through accepting that even though I love her, we can't be together. There's still some heartache, but I accept it as part of life. I'd rather have the heartache than to never have known her, or to not have her in my life at all.

[mr_echo]

Usually if they ended the relationship and they loved you, they ended it for a reason. They need time to heal. But assuming there was some good stuff in the relationship, they'll miss you and think of you. If you're not in contact, they'll notice. I think they may think you've forgotten them, but I doubt that will sit well with them.

 

Yeah I never got a real reason apart from it's my fault. Thing is I think right now she just wants to forget about me completely due to the recent past. I don't think she gives a damn which is not like your situation at all. I wonder how long it will be before she notices I'm not in contact and if it will make any difference. Right now I doubt it.

[sadk]

Yeah I never got a real reason apart from it's my fault. Thing is I think right now she just wants to forget about me completely due to the recent past. I don't think she gives a damn which is not like your situation at all. I wonder how long it will be before she notices I'm not in contact and if it will make any difference. Right now I doubt it.

 

 

The thing is, you never know. People hold stuff back. I met an old GF once. It had been at least a year since we'd last had contact. And she told me she kept all my letters and re-read them. Another one, months after we split, and she'd given me no clues that she might still be interested, but one night she asked me how much my rent and monthly bills came to. I asked her why she was interested, and she said she was just curious. But a week or so later, I was talking to her and I said, "I think the reason you asked that was because you were wondering about how our finances would work out if we got back together." She confessed. My most recent ex has gone out of her way to appear like her interest is just normal friend-level interest, but one day I asked her if I'd mentioned that my son said he'd just had his best birthday ever, and she said yes, I had. But I hadn't, and I knew I hadn't. The only place she could have got that from was a quit smoking site where I'm a member. The reason I asked was I'd suspected she was reading my quit smoking journal, so I threw the question in the middle of a chat we were having, and she didn't have time to think. I figured most people would tell me they were reading my quit journal and maybe even say how proud they were at how well I was doing. The fact that she was reading it in secret told me that she wanted to know about me, but also wanted to appear aloof.

 

This was big. Not in terms of "us", but for me. In the past, I had this bulldozer mentality if someone had a wall up. I'd push my way past it. If I caught someone in a fib, I'd call them on it. But in the past year I've learned that people have walls to protect themselves. They come out when they're ready, when they feel safe. If someone is fibbing to me, it's because they don't feel safe with me. Kicking down their walls is not the way to get closer to someone. Respecting, even loving their walls, is a better way. So, I never told her that I knew she was lying.

 

Sorry, I got distracted, but my point is if they loved you, they will think of you from time to time. If they didn't love you, well, best move on anyway. So, giving someone space can never be counterproductive. It's always the way forward.

[mr_echo]

Interesting points. I'm regretting accusing my ex-gf of lying too - I realise she did it to protect herself even if it inevitably would hurt me. It's NC day 4 soon and I've got to pull myself together. You mentioned a quit smoking site - what's the url? This is something I need to do too.

 

Regards.

[sadk]

Interesting points. I'm regretting accusing my ex-gf of lying too - I realise she did it to protect herself even if it inevitably would hurt me. It's NC day 4 soon and I've got to pull myself together. You mentioned a quit smoking site - what's the url? This is something I need to do too.

 

Regards.

 

I had an amazing revelation one day about lying in a relationship. We all do it whether by commission or omission. And if you look at why you lie, it's because you fear them knowing the truth. It occurred to me that rather than force someone to admit they lied, it would be better to sort of cradle them and try to understand what it is they're afraid of. It's a way of getting closer. The other way just creates distance. I was about two years too late with most of my lessons, but (and I know this goes against what most people here say) I now have a chance to show my love by being there for her now even knowing that I won't reap the rewards from her that I might have in the past. It's totally selfless. That, for me, means a lot. It tells me that the love was real.

 

The quit smoking site is called link removed. You should quit. It's a huge step forward with multilevel benefits at a time like this.

[CharlesF]

I would stay in North Carolina if it was me.