Having issues with the GF because of her EX

[4wheel]

I am currently in a newer relationship of 4 months. My question has to do with my current girlfriends Ex. :

 

They have a 2 month old son together, and they separated during her pregnancy (went out for 2 years) because the guy is not going anywhere in life. When their son was born, he stayed in Vegas and did not return until a week or so after his birth. He was also arrested and put into jail during this time for a month due to probation violations.

 

Since he has gotten out of jail (January), he and my GF have been speaking to each other several times per day. He claims he wants to be in their son’s life, and has even watched him overnight a total of 3 nights.

 

He and I do not get along with each other at all, and it is beginning to wear down my GF. She told me we both trash each other and she is getting really stressed out over it. She told me he is going to be in her life regardless if we get along or not because she wants him to bond with her son and assume the responsibilities of being a parent.

 

This is where my major problem comes in. She has lied several times over the past month regarding the Ex. :

 

1. Said that she was not with him at all during the day a medical checkup with her son. She said he was not going, but I found out she went and picked him up prior to the appointment. I found this out because I found a yahoo map with his address and directions to the clinic left in the truck. I called her sister and she confirmed he was with her.

 

2. Said she needed a break from the baby and went over to her sisters house for a few hours. I found out that her sister was not home at the time, and that my GF went over to the Ex’s house instead. Again, I contacted her sister and asked a question and she was surprised when I told her that she was supposed to be over there a few hours earlier. My GF finally confessed and stated that she went over to the Ex’s so he could visit and watch him while she took a break/nap when I questioned her because said she drove over to her sisters and she was not home and went over there instead.

 

3. There have been a few other times she stopped over their without telling me. She was late a few times and I was aggravated and asked why she was late with my truck. She finally admitted she was visiting him briefly and did not tell me until she left there. This has happened a few times.

 

4. Lastly, I have known that she talks to him on the phone several times per day. I questioned her about this and told her I do not like her talking to him so much. She told me she would not contact him but rather talk to him when he calls her. The phone bill came and she lied again because it showed she called him an average of 3-5 times per day since she said she would mellow out.

This pushed me over the edge and I began to question her relationship with him and faithfulness to me. I demanded answers and she said she was lying to me because she knew how much we disliked each other and did not want to make things worse etc.

 

Now here is the real problem. She told me that she wants to go with her Ex and his brother with his new baby out of town so she could see her grandson’s for the first time. My GF wants to go and said she does not trust her son with him alone for 3 days and wanted to meet his mom anyway because she has been sending cash and other care packages since his birth.

 

Needless to say, this question did not go over well with me, and we have been fighting for a week straight. She said I have nothing to worry about because she is with me and they will never get back together. She said I need to trust her, but I am having a really hard time doing it. We were fighting so bad during this time I thought about breaking up with her. She said she would not go if it would bring an end to our relationship. I finally got so tired of fighting I said go ahead and go. She decided that morning she was going on the trip and again asked if it was OK with me. I gritted my teeth and told her she has free will and can do what she wants.

 

I regret telling her this because it is really tearing me up inside. I have a feeling deep down inside that she is trying to revive things with him and cheating on me or maybe it is just jealousy or paranoia.

 

I have been beating myself up all day and might break up with her when she comes back into town. When I found out she lied to me on several occasions, my trust diminished and now I seem to internally question her every move and motive.

 

I find this whole trip to be extremely insulting to me and well…..fishy. Am I am over-reacting and not really believing her intentions of trying to establish a schedule and routine with him to care for their son. Could she think I am so gullible that she can cheat on me under my nose???? She said the purpose of the trip was to meet his mom, and they would double team him regarding his lack of commitment to the baby.

 

I really need some input here because I do not want to destroy this without just cause. I have asked several people and most have sided with me saying she is cheating, while a few others think that her intentions true to establishing a positive relationship with their baby.

[Siriana]

Is she ready for a relationship with you?

Are you ready to be in a relationship with her that includes accepting the fact they have a child together so it includes two of them contacting?

[Gus Almighty]

The first thing you need to do is make peace with the fact that He and She have a strong bond in that they had a child together. This is something that no matter what is going to be there. Jealousy here is something that is not going to get you anywhere.

 

You must first ask yourself, do you in seriously not like him for a reason or is it because she and he have a child together which may make you jealous of him?

 

From what I have seen it can be 50/50 that exes will get along that have children as its essential in order to do whats best for your child down the road. Throughout the childs life they will talk about its accomplishments, developments in life, extra cirricular activies, grades, dating, why they had to punish the child etc. You must prepare yourself for this scenario if you really want to be with this woman.

 

They have been together in the past and she may even feel comfortable asking him advice on various issues.

 

You must talk with her calmly and dont forget to give her time to really explain what is happening. You never get anywhere by being angry. Again explain to her your concerns and that your paranoid about losing her to him.

 

After talking ask her one more time if there is any possibility that she may want to get back with him due to the bond that they have. It is a legitimate question.

 

Explain to her that you have asked her things and you had to go about other means to find the truth because you were doubtful. You may want to apologize for this even though you feel your in the right, she could feel as though your following her every move and they dont like that.

 

It may take a couple talks in order to get things out in the open for you both, sometimes people dont open up to things as quickly as they should.

[4wheel]

To fill you in on some more info:

 

I don't like the guy because he is a complete loser. The last time he watched the child, he called her because he did not have diapers. SHE had to give him $5 dollars to buy diapers with. He has no job, no home, no vehicle.

 

In adddition, I have as recently as the day before yesterday, told her I would back off if she wanted to revive things with this guy. She told me nothing will ever happen with them in the future and that she wants to be with me.

 

I get angry with her because when I caught her lying and provided her with the evidence, she still denied it and looked foolish.

 

No I am not monitoring every move she makes. But, I do feel uneasy sometimes because of all the lies and misrepresentations.

 

I have always stated to her that I do not mind her talking or seeing her ex. Just do not lie about it especially when you are borrowing my vehicle. All of the problems we are now having is because she has lied. Plain and simple. Why would she want to lie if she is not doing anything wrong or trying to hide something?

[HarleyHunny]

The child comes FIRST. A parent has a right to be in the child's life, regardless of past history, regardless if they have a job, or a car. As long as the child is not being abused, etc, by said parent, my suggestion, stay out of it! It's not up to you to like this guy or decide who's a loser and who's not......This can all easily be resolved in family court.

[Gus Almighty]

The child comes FIRST. A parent has a right to be in the child's life, regardless of past history, regardless if they have a job, or a car. As long as the child is not being abused, etc, by said parent, my suggestion, stay out of it! It's not up to you to like this guy or decide who's a loser and who's not......This can all easily be resolved in family court.

 

Hey nice tattoo....are we allowed to flirt with other members?

 

I am probably gonna get one of these......[-X

[Gus Almighty]

Ok back to business.........

 

Ok he didnt have money for diapers, he may understand things now and is actually looking for a job. Things change people sometimes, especially having a child.

 

Do you consider her a loser too? Would you see her wanting to be with this "loser"?

 

You have to be very realistic here in order to have your answer.

 

But yes I wouldnt want her driving my vehicle either in order to go to an exes house and then lie to me.

[Cid]

Trust is a two way street and from what I have read is that she is lieing to you. I have a big question for you....... Do you Trust her?

[heloladies21]

In adddition, I have as recently as the day before yesterday, told her I would back off if she wanted to revive things with this guy. She told me nothing will ever happen with them in the future and that she wants to be with me.

I'm surprised how often people try this kind of test to see if their partner really cares. It has a bad unitended effect though as she basically hears "I have no problem being your 2nd choice, thereforeeee I have no self confidence and don't really care if you stay of go (don't really care about you)."

 

You do bring it up and mention it to her, but you don't follow through. You'll have the argument, but there will be no resolution. So things will end up just starting up again.

 

Too much lying and disrespecting. Of course she will have some contact with her ex regarding the kid, but her contact is also extracurricular to that. It's all fishy to me.

 

She might end up getting back together with her ex, but it won't last as exes are exes for a reason. But one thing is for sure--she does not believe you are the man for her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think it is admirable that she wants to let her child have a relationship with its father and grandparents HOWEVER she seems to be spending a LOT of time with him that is not related strictly to him having visitation with the child, and lying to cover this up.

 

i could even understand one short call a day to check up on how the child is doing, and allowing him normal visitation a time or two a week for a hour or two per week (normal for infants), but constant contact between exes, and lying to see him away from you does NOT seem right to me...

 

is there any chance she is with you because you have money and he doesn't, and you are giving her a better place to live and paying her expenses, while he is unable to do so? Any chance she could be using you as a meal ticket while still seeing him?

 

My suggestion would be that you sit her down when she comes back and talk about getting a normal visitation schedule that would be allowed for the father of an infant... usually that means a few hours once or twice a week, and not constant contact with the ex, multiple daily phone calls etc. they have reason to discuss certain things, but if they are truly not a couple, then these discussions should be limited to the needs of the child.

 

it really sounds to me that she is sitting the fence, not sure whether she wants to be with you or him, and maybe is not with him becuase he cannot support her and you can. please examine the whole situation to see whether she is using your or not to support this child and herself... if she is fairly independent anyway and not depending on you for money, then i would be more inclined to believe that she does want you more than him,but if it is the other way around, i would be very suspicious.

[4wheel]

I told her I would back off because if this is to end, I want it done with peace and honesty. I don't want to have a bitter break up and become enemies, not because I am allowing myself to be a second choice.

 

I have never given her money, nor has she asked for it. As far as using me for what I have and he doesn't, I do still ponder this situation.

 

Plain and simple, her lying and misrepresentations have seriously tainted this. One of her friends said I need to "get over it" regarding the lying and move past this.

 

We have had numerous discussions and they get me nowhere because she simply does not understand where I am coming from. Her sister even told her she thinks she talks to him too much and finds it disrespectful to me.

 

Only time will tell.

[Kalika]

I hate to say it, but I can see where she's coming from with the lying. Frankly, it's sparing her a lot of drama that she doesn't need right now. Not saying it's the right thing to do, but as a parent myself, I often understand the balance between the baby's father and the new boyfriend.

 

That being said, you have no right to be with her if you don't trust her. It's not fair for you to make her feel guilty for lying, spending time with the dad and the grandparents, etc. You have choices here, and making her life difficult is not one of them.

 

It's quite simple:

 

-If you don't trust her, you need to end the relationship and move on.

-If you do trust her, you need to find a way to control your own insecurities and learn to deal with the fact that she has major responsibilities (including helping her child's father become a better parent).

 

Under no circumstances is it OK for you to tell her whether or not to give the child's father money for diapers, or how to handle problems that come up between them. It's not your place.

[4wheel]

Technically it is my business. Especially when I have to cancel my plans because she has to use my vehicle to go accross town and spend $10 in gas to drop off diapers. Give me a break.

 

I am the one who has to listen to her complain about how much of a jerk he is etc. And by the way, if somebody cannot come up with 5$ to buy diapers, but can afford to go out to the bar etc. then their is a big problem.

 

Also, he consistantly short changes her. On the last visit, he was supposed to have the child 3 days and nights, but it turned out to be only 1 day and an emergency popped up and she had to get him immediately. Well, come to find out he wanted to go out and party instead.

 

This is the type of stuff that is pissing me off because you do not know what kind of a person he is and I cringe listening to her kiss is B***.