Lunch with Ex

[Aschleigh]

My ex invited me to lunch and I thought I could do it. But then I got so mad. He dumped me 3 months ago. He wants everything to be fine and us to be friends but I'm not ready. He hurt me. He lied and was very passive-aggressive during our relationship. I care about him. I would like to have some peace about it. I would like to be able to see him sometimes and enjoy his company. But I don't see how I could knowing how he treated me.

He wasn't malicous just immature . He expressed his anger indirectly.

We can't even talk now , which is sad. He's dating several new people and seems to need to tell me about it . I don't ask. It's like he has to prove he can get other girls. He dumped me. I never thought he couldn't dateother people. Why would be need to put it in front of my face?

I want to move on comepletely. I just feel sad that someone I LOVED SO MUCH is not wanting to be close to me. He's fine with lunch every once in a while. I would want more or maybe none at all is best.

Mostly I am sad that we could have had a great relationship with a little more honesty, time and effort. And he was unwilling to make the effort.

I am disappointed in him.

How do I make peace wit it all?

[tylercdurden2004]

Aschleigh that really sucks.

 

Being friends after the relationship is something that really shouldnt be bothered with. By that I mean really you shoudlnt put any effort into being friends with them. It either happens naturally or it doesnt. The whole "trying" to be friends is crazy.

 

Nobody "tries" to be friends with there normal everyday friends do they?

 

I am friends with most of my exes. By that I mean i talk to them occasionally thats it. When its done its done and its very difficult to go backwards once you have been somewhere.

 

I think its a psychological thing where people dont want to lose. The try and try to keep something going whether its friendship or for something more. Isnt there other people out there more deserving of your time?

 

Thats the only way you will make peace.

[Me and myself]

Aschleigh, I think I have put my ex in a similar situation as yours so I think I can give you "the other side" point of view.

She always told me she would like that we could be friends if we break up. She was able to do that with most of her ex's and I noticed it was something really important to her.

She dumped me and we went for a coffee on two occasions but then I got into NC mode.

I could never understand how can this be possible, i.e., being friends after the break up. Conscientiously I know it's an healty attitude but isn't it easier for the dumper to do it?

We may think the dumper is an healty person, psycologically speaking, but what would happened if it was the other way around? Will he/she feel the same if he/she really cares for the other person?

There might be a lot of reasons for wanting to stay friends after the break up and most of them are not the best ones. From your post, it seems your ex is trying to tell you, without being aware, that he's feeling lonely but, at the same time, he's trying to show you that is a well succeded man. So, the actions show one thing but, in the inside of him, it's happening exactly the opposite. Why don't you confront him with this? Maybe he's just trying to escape his feelings...

I really don't know why is he doing that but you should let the time heal him. In due time he will stabilize his feelings and, who knows, start to act differently towards you. Please understand that if he's not psicologically well, he will put you bad too.

So, if you really want to be friends of him, explain him this and ask him to don't contact you until he feels better about the break up. After, if he wants, he will call you. Until then, move on with your life...

 

Best

[friscodj]

Hi Aschleigh-

 

What happened at this lunch with your ex is likely a blessing in disguise for you. I think the experience and your resulting frustration and questioning is taking you to a higher level of wisdom and understanding that will set you free from this whole situation with your ex. What I'm saying is you're figuring this out on your own and that is exactly what needs to happen to truly get past situations like this and the subsequent feelings.

 

You're sad and disappointed that things are not going as you'd have hoped. You got mad, remembered all the crap that happened and how he treated you. You needed all this happen to punch through the empty veil of hopes and dreams that grief generates following situations like this.

 

Read your post again. I don't know how much clearer it can get to me that you both need to stay away from each other until everything is forgotten and peace has been reached with everything. All the residual feeling need to settle to the point you in many senses don't care about any of the things you expressed above. I guarantee that will all come with time and distance.

 

You didn't like that idea, you resisted it, and thought such a path would not be necessary so you pursued a friendship with him. There is absolutely no shame in that. I'd say from what you wrote above you got a very clear answer on which direction needs to be taken here. Put yourself in the shoes of someone replying to this post. What would you say to them?

 

You care for him, you love him, you want a better relationship with him. The only option I see here is to keep such thoughts an feelings in the privacy of your heart.

 

In brutally honest terms, it's going to hurt, it's going to suck, and you can't have what you want in this situation. Suck it up, put it behind you with time and distance, and press on. There is no other feasible option I see here other than eventually reaching this conclusion yourself through more beatings from going through experiences like the one you described above. Maybe not a permanent departure, but enough time so you simply don't feel such feelings you expressed above anymore.