Be careful what you wish for....

[fnlyfrei]

I received my engagement ring the night before valentines. I want to marry him as much as he wants to marry me, which is nice....he is everything I have wanted, he doesn't play games, he is sweet, thoughtful, understanding, fun and very attractive. No drama here. I am finally with someone after a few years of dating and difficult relationships, who I can trust, and whom I know really loves me and is there for the long haul. It took me a bit to believe it...but now that I have what I dreamed about, and who I dreamed about....why do I feel so flat? Was I too used to feeling like crap?

I have had a very drama-filled life since I was born...through no fault of my own...then after I grew up and had three terrific kids...a very nasty divorce....I lived a few years on my own, and dated....which for the most part was an emotional rollercoaster and pretty depressing. I do not have to date anymore..I have the best date for the rest of my life now...so why do I feel so "blank"? Is this just the transition when things are good? Am I so used to things going badly that I am bored with the normal, good, even keel?

I love my fiance totally....what's my problem?](*,)

[Echo]

I wouldn;t say there's a problem. Maybe because of your drama filled past you expected "real" love to set off fireworks around you, and that's not happening. I know I went through a phase where if there wasn't craziness in my love life it seemed boring or like there was something missing.

I say just let it sink in and enjoy the peace and quiet!

[herenow]

I had a drama-filled childhood, too. A long time agao, I had a good-natured boyfriend who just wouldn't get into the drama with me, but I put him down for it, thinking that he was stupid. A divorce and several failed relationships later, I looked back on that boyfriend and how well we had gotten along, even if there hadn't been fireworks, and thought, "Boy, if I ever get a chance like that again, I will appreciate it and hang onto it for dear life." I reached a point where I was tired and WANTED peace in the home. I did get another chance--with my current husband. We did go through our own drama phase (mostly my doing again), but I got a lot of therapy and we worked our way out of it and now we are sooo happy. We laugh a lot and talk about EVERYTHING and I feel sooo blessed. I thank God every day for the happiness I finally have in marriage. As long as I stay close in my relationship to God, He brings the joy into the equation, in little ways that light me up.

 

It sounds like you finally have a wonderful man, and that you truly do love him. Is your relationship secure enough for you to be able to discuss your feelings with him? You want to frame it in the context that you did for us here at ENA--that you came from drama in your past and maybe you just feel uncomfortable because everything is so good, and it might take you a while to get used to "good". My husband was very understanding when I talked to him about similar things, and that helped me love him even more.

 

I would suggest putting off the actual wedding until you get to a place where things feel right for you. It wouldn't be fair to your fiance (or even to you) if you were just going through the motions of the wedding ceremony without being able to feel the excitement and joy of the occasion.

 

Can you get counseling? Maybe you have fears that things will blow up again, and you are somehow protecting yourself from going through that any more (which would be very sensible). Or something like that.

 

I think what you are experiencing doesn't sound unreasonable at all, given your history, and it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your relationship. I'd get some counseling if I could and work through it. This man sounds like a real keeper.

[chigal28]

I do understand how you're feeling, because in some ways I feel the same. I am not engaged, but my bf and I have looked at rings, and when I think about spending my life with him, I feel happy and content...which is how I feel most of the time. We have great times together, and laugh our behinds off lots of times, but I'd also define our relationship as...tranquil. Which is not something I'm used to. With my longest relationship (four years), we fought ALLLLL the time, and I think I got hooked on the drama. My next three years were filled with crappy dating relationships--one emotionally unavailable guy after another--and the drama kept up.

 

Now that I'm with a kind, smart, funny, compassionate guy who treats me really well, I almost feel like something is missing. That something is the drama....and at times I find myself trying to create it...picking a fight, or whatnot. Drama didn't make me happy, but it made me feel alive.

 

Could that be what you're missing? Maybe you could ask yourself what the drama brought to your life. If you still "needed" it, or thrived on it, I really don't think you would have chosen this wonderful guy that you're with, and been able to commit to him. So maybe deep down, you know that this stability is what you want--but you also miss the drama?

 

When I feel that way, I remind myself of what an emotional wreck I was, how out of control my life was, how much I cried, etc., and how that emotional roller coaster made me feel alive. Now that I'm in a healthy adult relationship, I realize I can--and need to--find happiness and joy in simple things, and if I need to feel alive, I seek out a fun experience with my bf, or a good friend. The roller coaster served its purpose while I was on it, but I don't want to ride it again.

[fnlyfrei]

Definitely...I find myself trying to pick stupid fights too...and he unfortunately cares about me so much that he falls for it and gets upset...feeding my stupid drama queen side. But what I like about him is that instead of rolling his eyes or ignoring me when something upsets me..he really listens. And if I am a jerk to him....he gets VERY emotional...so I am learning to be more considerate. It is almost like I am the guy emotionally sometimes...and to get to that point I had to go through a lot and shut my emotions for self-preservation...I was a mess in every way. He is so much like me in many ways, so I am very careful to make sure I watch my P's and Q's. If I hurt him I can practically feel it myself...so I don't want to do that. I love him. I just hope I can make him happy.

[heloladies21]

I'm not giving you advice on what to do or anything because everything is already set in motion and there's no way to stop it.

 

100% positive you two are going to break up.

[flower99]

I wouldn;t say there's a problem. Maybe because of your drama filled past you expected "real" love to set off fireworks around you, and that's not happening. I know I went through a phase where if there wasn't craziness in my love life it seemed boring or like there was something missing.

I say just let it sink in and enjoy the peace and quiet!

 

I agree with this.

I'm in the same boat as you. But because of my past drama filled life, I feel like I'm just not comfortable in the peace & quiet. so i cause drama, I bicker, I pick fights. I don't like to do it, it just seems I know that life better. He's started to catch me on it, and points it out to me now. (I love that) I see what I'm doing & I'm getting better at stoping it.

I believe you guys will work, it just takes time to settle into a completely different lifestyle, from what you are a custom to.

I believe you do make him happy, he wouldn't have proposed otherwise. something about the craziness he loves He knows how to handle it & give you what you've needed.... Cherish what you have.

[annie24]

I don't necessarily think that there is anything wrong. A lot of big events in life are anti-climactic. For example, i know many people who have their final exam, get their PhD, they go out to lunch, and then go right back to lab or to writing the same afternoon. it's very anticlimactic, it's like nothing changed! something you have been waiting and working on your entire life, here it is.

 

i don't know, maybe you built up and image in your head of what it was supposed to be like, and then when it happened, things weren't suddenly different. And I think it is good, you are still you and he is still himself.

 

my advice? enjoy your peaceful relationship! good luck

[mustbefate]

From my experience, senseless drama eventually makes a man less and less emotionally available. It burns him out emotionally. Keep up with the drama queen routine, and you will continuously find yourself in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy. My $0.02.

[fnlyfrei]

Firstly "Mustbefate"....Yeah, I know this FULLY...that is why I have been emotionally unavailable....and I do not want to lose him. So...no drama...I stated that. I just said that without something going on it feels unreal somehow....but I have figured that out too...I am going to work on me..and the drama will be that life is going to get BETTER !!!

 

As for you Heloladies.....I think that was a truly rude thing to say. Negative, bad karma..whatever. If you cannot offer something more upbeat...don't say anything at all. You really do not know me, or my past, or my experiences...so I don't think you have a right to make such a prediction from what little information you have.