Trust lost, I feel like relationship is ending, my one last attempt..help!!

[empty421]

I was on here last year after my boyfriend and I had broken up for a short time. I received a lot of great advice, and I am so thankful for it. Well, me and him have had issues in the past with trust, and I just foind out today that he betrayed my trust again. What he did behind my back, in itself, was not bad. It was the fact that he did it from me because he thought I would get upset. It was the fact that I caught him in another lie. It is the fact that he shows no remorse and thinks that going behind my back is OK since I "get upset for everything". I am deeply hurt and I am seriously considering ending things if he is not willing to discuss the situation or work on the relationship with me. I see my part in it. He needs to see his. I wrote him this e-mail, I have not sent it yet. It is a big long, but please read it and tell me what you think and if there is anything that I should change. PLEASE help me, I don't know what else to do.

 

 

Dear -------,

 

Please read this and really look at what I am saying. I feel like this is the best way to talk to you since when we talk on the phone things are never able to be fully expressed. There are things I have to get off my chest, and things that I say later on that show you that I do listen to you and care about your opinion. I honestly don't even know where to start. I am so incredibly lost right now and I am feeling several emotions at once. I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt, and I am trying to deal with it very calmly and rationally. I love you more than you can possibly understand, but I can't deal with the fact that you have the ability to hurt me the way that you do. I understand that I overreact about situations, and that I sometimes make a big deal about things that aren't a big deal. I am not perfect, no one is, and it goes both ways. That being said, that does not justify you doing things behind my back. As I have told you in the past, I would much rather be upset at the fact that you are doing something that I do not like, than be upset because I found out that you went behind my back to do something. You have no idea how stupid I feel when I think about how, when you did these things, you were able to lie to me and make me believe that you were going to sleep. I feel stupid for believing you. It makes me think that you honestly believe that I am naive and that I will not find things out. There are several things that I want to do, that out of respect for you and our relationship I do not do. I can guarantee you that I do not tell you that I am sleeping and then go out behind your back. I could never be that deceitful. Whenever I have even thought about doing something that would betray your trust, I realize that the relationship is way to important for me to risk losing. I just don't understand how you don't feel guilty, how it just seems as if you think it is justifiable so that it is ok to do it. I honestly believe that you have no respect for me and that you think that I am a pushover since I have forgiven you in the past. Last time I told you that if I ever found out you lied to me again I do not know if I would be able to be with you. It's like you hear that and don't take me seriously. It kills me when I think about how you have apologized to me and promised me that you would not hurt me this way again or hide things from me again. I honestly believed you. I honestly thought you were being sincere. I feel like an idiot. Then, when I am trying to be the bigger person and acting very calm despite the way that I was/am feeling, you lash out at me and basically tell me that you do not feel bad and that "you are fed up". Fed up at what? At the fact that I caught you in a lie and was reasonably hurt and upset after what I told you the last time? I wasn't going to dismiss it as if nothing happened, no one would in that situation. You know how I feel about you going behind my back. I just don't understand how you can tell me that you want to be with me, and yet treat me as if what I feel is not important. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be with you more than anything. I want to be able to trust you. I want to be able to feel as if you are actually going to sleep when we hang up. I want to KNOW that you would never go behind my back for ANYTHING again. I want to honestly feel like you aren't going to do anything to hurt me when you do go out. That being said, I am willing to talk about what is causing this and I will try to change my feelings about certain things within reason. I also have things that I need to talk to you about. It is obvious that things need to change both ways. We are BOTH too controlling with each other, and it is causing problems. We should have time apart and with friends, within reason. There are certain things that I am sure that we can both agree on that are just not right. I realize my part in what has happened, but I do not believe that it makes going behind my back right or acceptable. I am sure you would be furious at me and hurt if I betrayed your trust in that way, despite what you may have done to cause it. I just want you to realize that, to realize that you hurt me, and to apologize. I am sorry that my actions (being controlling, getting angry etc) led you to feel as if you had to go behind my back. I just wish that you would have discussed with me how you felt before you did that. You say that you want to be in this relationship, so do I, but I can't just sit back and accept that you think it is ok to go behind my back because of the circumstances. It makes me sick every time I think about what you told me on the phone earlier. I would never think that you would say those things to me. I hope that isn't how you really feel and that you were just talking out of anger. I know you think that I never listen to what you say, but I do. There are obviously several things

that we both have to say that we have been keeping inside. I would like to have a real discussion, no yelling, no cursing, no attitude, no interrupting (like I do sometimes), just talking. If we are going to make things work, we have to make an effort. It takes two people to make a relationship work, just as it takes two people to ruin one.

 

 

Please give me your opinions. Thank you!!!!!!

[empty421]

He is not an easy person to talk to. I tried this earlier and he gets very defensive and does not listen to what I have to say. I do not get to get eveything out when we talk. This way, he reads everything and cannot interrupt me. Trust me, I know him, this is the best way to get through to him at this point.

[Meow18]

I'm wondering what you think will be accomplished in sending this email?

 

I think it's a good email if you can't get everything you need to say in. But you have to understand that it's not going to make everything ok.

 

How do you think he will react to this email? Do you think that he will get even more defensive, or do you think he will be able to calmly talk it over with you.

 

He already knows how you feel. You don't like when he does things behind your back because he thinks you will be upset if you knew. That is not hard to understand. And seriously, he KNOWS it will hurt you, but still CHOOSES to disrespect you in that way. Do you really think it's going to stop?

[Meow18]

Can I ask what types of things he does behind your back?

[empty421]

goes out with friends, or a friend (girl) that i feel uncomfortable with after he tells me that he went to sleep... i has happened about 3 times that i know of. I have confronted him before, but in the past I have not tried to understand how my being controlling plays a part in it. I still do not think it is right and I want him to understand that.

 

I think he would be able to talk over it calmly if he understands that I see my part in the problem. He does not like when I just attack his points of view, so I tried to see it from his point of view.

[empty421]

I just want the e-mail to lead to a real conversation that is much needed in our relationship.

[Meow18]

I think that if you feel the email will help, then you should send it.

 

He goes out after he's told you he has gone to sleep? To me that sounds really suspicious and I don't think it makes you controlling because you have a problem with him doing it behind your back.

 

But you said he does this because you would be upset if you knew before hand? If he told you he wanted to go out with friends in the evening/night, would you not be ok with that?

[Dako]

No offense intended, but that email is a rant. Ranting isn't a good way to communicate.

 

I'd condense the email to basic points, then tell him those things in person, and allow him to respond to each one.

 

As you said, he doesn't let you get everything out in a converstion, and you want no interruptions so he listens to everything you say. Do you let him speak his mind and listen without interrupting?

[empty421]

I let him speak and I interrupt occasionally when he says something so absurd or so untrue that I cannot stand to stay quiet.

[empty421]

It is absurd to anyone but him. He says the most outrageous untrue things!! Just because he really thinks it does not mean that it is absurd or untrue. He says several things that are untrue when he gets defensive. I cannot let him sit there and tell me things that I know are not true.

[Dako]

To really solve this, you both need to put the reactions aside and clearly present your views without anger. Many couple react to each other with pre-set phrases and let that adrenaline do the talking until both are exhausted.

 

I may be reading too much into this, but if you can't take turns clearly expressing and responding in a constructive way, assigning blame won't help at all.

 

Have you ever discussed how you'd both prefer to solve disagreements?

Waiting until you're angry isn't the time.

 

If he has such a weak grasp on reality, he's either baiting you or simply not worth the trouble.