Am I being taken from granted?

[Coniston]

Hi, I am new here and would like people's advice. I have had a relationship for three years with a woman who has a young and challenging son. Much of my life has been geared around her and him and we last year moved to the south of England so he can go to Steiner school. I am self-emplyed and now home-based and so can do a lot of school run, cooking etc. She works two days a week and is heavily involved in school. I have repeated episodes of helping out and spending time with her son yet being left with the feeling of being taken for granted. An example, which is going to sound trivial but for me feels like the straw that broke the camel's back is this: I dropped her son off at school on Wed, and picked him up in the eve, and made dinner; when she arrived home I was yelled at for not helping her bring things into the kitchen from her car (I was upstairs and did not hear her ask for help) and then berated for not having dinner ready when she arrived. This relationship is being destroyed because I want some small feeling of being special and it's not there, and because, ultimately, I feel taken for granted. What do other's think? Do I over-react? Have you had this expereince?

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome.

 

I know in the past I have been taken for granted. I did everything, paid the bills, cleaned, laundry, brought in the cars for oil changes, shopping, everything. Plus, most of it was never appretiated.

 

So in hindsight, I was being my ex's mother instead of being a girlfriend. Now, in your case, you are taking on a parent-role with your girlfriend and her son. You are not on equal footing. You are making things way too easy for her. And she has not being appretiative, so yes, I would have to say, you are being taken for granted. It is to the point where she expects it. And when people take others for granted, the other has no respect for him/her. Plus, you are placing expectations on her, you do nice things, you expect her to be nice back or do nice things and the more she is unappretiative, the more you give. You are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. A vicious cycle.

 

So, next time she throws a fit like that, tell her you will not stand to be disrespected like that and walk away. I see you are making things way to easy for her and now she is walking all over you. Time to take a stand.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello Coniston,

 

I am assuming of course that this is maybe typicl or happens frequently...

 

Yeah, it seems like they could express some appreiciation for your efforts, something that seems all to common today being overlooked or under appreiciated.

 

I get that too.

 

Well, just don't let it make you bitter, or stop being a caring person... that would be a tragedy.

 

Try and keep the high points in mind if you can.

 

Jeff

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Without all the details, it sounds like she thinks because you are home all day you should be acting like a housewife... but if you are working from home, that is no different than a job outside the home, and if she is only working 2 days a week, then she certainly should not expect you to be the only housekeeper...

 

Is there a possibility she is just using you as a mealticket/housekeeper? by that i mean, who is paying for most of the expenses for her and her son?

 

I think you need to speak up and ask to be treated with respect if she is yelling at you and unfairly demanding you do all the chores... and those chores should be evenly split and understood so you are both not in conflict over them...

[DN]

Have you told her what you are feeling and if so how did she respond?

[Openheart1]

Absolutely. You must without question approach her about her feelings. DO NOT assume she knows she is doing something negative to you. For me, I was on her end of things, though not to the degree your situation entails. There were so many times in my first relationship that I took her for granted. It was my first relationship, so of course I learned after we separated. Unfortunately, she never approached me about her feelings until AFTER we separated, which of course made me quite resentful towards her lack of respect to the relationship for not bringing them up before we broke up. So, in the end, while I can see why you might be feeling taken for granted, but truly loving someone means you sacrifice potentially hurting that someone by being honest with them about what you actually feel. It is so strange that in today's society people think that conflict is a negative thing. Granted, if taken to extremes it can become negative, such as abuse, but in general I think conflict is actually a very positive experience. Why you ask? Because it allows for growth! Just as a broken bone or a torn muscle, you give it time it grows stronger because you challeneged it. Relationships are the same. Unless you are honest and forthright, your relationship is not a truly loving one. In point of fact, if you have not approached her with your frustration and feelings, you are underming the relationship just as much as her. However hard it may be, being honest is the ONLY way to build a relationship, pure and simple, especially if it is ripping your perception of the other person apart to the point of being resentful. Good luck.

[Coniston]

Hi, first of all I would like to thank everyone so much for their replies. It's all been really helpful, particularly in the sense of confirming that things are not right.

In answer to some questions, no, I don't provide a mealticket, the bills are split equally. Yes, this has been happening more frequently, although it happened at the beginning of the relationship too. I think there is a real problem with quickness to anger, and it needs looking at. It's something we all have as children and teens (she's 41), but something we need to check on as an adult and ask is this justified in this situation.

We have had loads of converstions about this til I am blue in the face and even did some counselling sessions for a while. My conclusion now is that she is not comfortable with intimacy and finds it hard to open up. (I am sure by now you are all starting to ask 'What kind of relationship is this?'.)

The response that Jeff wrote really resonates with me because I do feel it will affect who I am and my capacity to give if things do not change or if I don't consider something as radical as leaving.

Anyway, once again, thanks for everyone's input.