another "help it's her bday" situation

[TEF3]

My gf and I broke up after 3 years. This happened less than a month ago. She broke up with me.

 

Her reasons included

"I just don't feel the same about us like before"

"It's too early for me to commit myself to one person for the rest of my life" because she is only 22 (i'm 26)

I think the external pressure from her family and friends that we were going to be together forever freaked her out. (I have absolutely no desire yet to get married or anything like that)

 

She also said at the same time though "I still love you" and "Maybe we'll get back together one day" and "I still want to be friends with you".

 

As for me, I miss her more and more each day and hope we get back together soon. I have no contact with her since we broke up.

 

Which leads me to my main question:

 

Unfortunately for me, her birthday is next week. I really want to call her, for the reasons stated above. And I know she is hoping for a call from me and would appreciate it.

 

Some people (mostly on these forums) say that based on this breakup, I should not contact her at all. By not contacting her, she'll miss me and regret her decision.

 

Others say (mostly my friends and coworkers) that I should be a 'good person' and call her, and in the long run she will appreciate that and thereforeeee appreciate me more.

 

So what do I do?

 

Thanks for reading my situation.

[Mythical_Suicide]

It is true, if you dont call her she will miss you and think of you whereas if you do call she'll just be like "yea still got him where I want him" and it will toy with your emotions way more than it will with her. So for your sake I stand by the not calling rule.

[TEF3]

I guess what i'm confused about is that if I was 100% completely over this (and I want her to think that I am) then I'd call her to wish her a happy bday because I'd like to eventually keep a friendship out of this.

 

She always appreciated the fact that was nicer than most guys out there and I want her to continue to think I am.

 

Or am I being stupid about this.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there,

Welcome to ENA.

Sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, though.

 

Re: the b-day present dilemma:

 

I think YOU should make the decision based on your answer to the following questions:

 

If she does NOT reply to my b-day card/present, will I be okay or will this set me back further?

If she does respond but only curtly, will I be okay or will this hurt me even more?

If she does respond favorably but it does not prompt a reconciliation, will I be okay?

If I do NOT acknowledge her b-day, will I be beating myself up about it for a while?

 

Just my two cents.

 

Also, it's been less than a month since you guys ended a three year relationship; please DO give yourself plenty of time to heal and to process the raw emotions that you must be going through right now.

 

And please DO take care of yourself: don't forget to eat, sleep, rest, exercise, get fresh air, hang out with friends, etc etc ...

 

Hang in there!

And please know we're here to support you.

 

Sending best wishes your way,

Ellie

[breeze33]

Do not call her.

 

You were dumped and are still in the healing phase. This is the time to take care of yourself and not worry about what she thinks. There is a very good chance she will be surprised that you have not called. It will make her miss you more because it seems she took you for granted, however...

 

calling her will set you back. Right now the most important person to take care of is you.

[DN]

How about a compromise. Don't call her but send her a birthday card with a simple message saying 'have a great day, TEF3'.

 

That way you still appear like the good guy and not bitter but you also don't seem to be using her birthday as an excuse to call her.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there,

Sorry but if I may ask:

 

if your ultimate goal is to reconcile, why do you want her to think you're 100% healed from the break up, less than one month after the event?

 

Why not be straightforward instead: i.e. that you are still hurting but are trying to move on?

 

Also, rather than starting NC straightaway or contacting her to wish her a happy b-day bc *she* will appreciate you being a nice guy, in my humble opinion, it's best to do what is going to be most beneficial for YOU.

 

The focus should be on YOUR healing right now, not necessarily on how *she* responds to your NC, your b-day congrats, etc etc.

 

Just a thought...

[TEF3]

Hi there,

And please DO take care of yourself: don't forget to eat, sleep, rest, exercise, get fresh air, hang out with friends, etc etc ...

 

Hi thanks for your message. I'm doing pretty good actually, I have no choice to move on because of my career keeps me busy. But frequently I think of her and miss having her in my life. That's the hardest part.

 

As for your questions:

 

Questions 1 and 2 won't happen. I know her personality well enough to rule those out.

 

As for question 3, i'm not expecting her to want to get back together right away, but hope she will over time.

 

As for question 4, the answer will probably be yes, especially if I never hear from her again.

[TEF3]

Do not call her.

 

You were dumped and are still in the healing phase. This is the time to take care of yourself and not worry about what she thinks. There is a very good chance she will be surprised that you have not called. It will make her miss you more because it seems she took you for granted, however...

 

calling her will set you back. Right now the most important person to take care of is you.

 

I can see the logic here.

 

But I guess I thought that if she doesn't hear from me, she'll think I will have moved on and thereforeeee think I'm no longer interested in her.

[TEF3]

How about a compromise. Don't call her but send her a birthday card with a simple message saying 'have a great day, TEF3'.

 

That way you still appear like the good guy and not bitter but you also don't seem to be using her birthday as an excuse to call her.

 

Yep I've thought of that as well.

[Ellie2006]

Tef3,

 

So which is worse?

a. Your wishes for a happy b-day is received favorably, but she does not bring up any talk about the relationship, breakup, reconciliation

b. You do not send b-day wishes and beat yourself up about it for days and days

 

If you think you WILL agonize over NOT acknowledging her b-day, then how sending about a nice but simple happy b-day (e)card as DN suggested?

[TEF3]

Hi there,

Sorry but if I may ask:

 

if your ultimate goal is to reconcile, why do you want her to think you're 100% healed from the break up, less than one month after the event?

 

Why not be straightforward instead: i.e. that you are still hurting but are trying to move on?

 

Those are good questions.

 

I guess because I have a bit of an ego and want to preserve some dignity here, and I want her to know that I'm able to move on without her, so that she regrets her decision.

[TEF3]

Tef3,

 

So which is worse?

a. Your wishes for a happy b-day is received favorably, but she does not bring up any talk about the relationship, breakup, reconciliation

b. You do not send b-day wishes and beat yourself up about it for days and days

 

If you think you WILL agonize over NOT acknowledging her b-day, then how sending about a nice but simple happy b-day (e)card as DN suggested?

 

You're good at giving advice. If I think about it in those terms, both those options are not very good, so the card is the best way to go. Makes sense.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

I was honestly in your situation before me and my ex got back together. First off no matter what you do do not expect to much from it. If you do decide to send her something dont expect her to call you, make sure you are doing this from your hear without any expectation. From experience I would say not to send her anything at all. Make her realize what she lost.

[TEF3]

I was honestly in your situation before me and my ex got back together. First off no matter what you do do not expect to much from it. If you do decide to send her something dont expect her to call you, make sure you are doing this from your hear without any expectation. From experience I would say not to send her anything at all. Make her realize what she lost.

 

Is that what you did in your situation? Send nothing?

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

No I actually went all out... and fell flat on my face, becuase I put something on it. But we did get back together... When she wanted to. My whole point was just saying there is nothing you can really do to get her back. When and if she wants you she'll call you crying and tell you how much of a mistake it was. I just think based on my experience it was at the point where I said f it and gave up that she started trying. I even did perfect NC I just took all the gut punches. I know what my ultimate goal was. It's not about today, its about tomorrow and next month and the next year that you can spend together.