See this is the kind of thing I am talking about...

[need2bme]

I know I could have posted this in one of the other threads that had just been replied to, but I think it is a separate item...

 

This totally is the reason that people get the wrong ideas from their exes and read into everything.

 

My ex gave me a ring that meant a lot to me early on in our relationship. It means a lot because it came from her and she is now not the type to want to be married, much less to act as if she is with someone. So, the ring means a lot as I said, because it is a nice ring and it makes me feel as if at one time, she may have thought of me as marraige potential.

 

That being said, I forgot it at our old apartment when I picked everything up. I called her and asked her if she knew where it was. She informed me that she had it in a safe place and would mail it to me.

 

So, yesterday she sends me all the mail that came to the apartment. In the box was the ring in its box (which is how I stored it) with a beautiful and beautifully tied bow around it (as one would do, if it was being given as a gift or someone was trying to be thoughtful). That was in a protective plastic bag, all neatly stapled.

 

So, why go to that trouble and WHY put the bow on it? Yes I know the ring was special, but we are through. She made sure of that. She is living with someone else.

 

Why not just put the ring in there with the mail, add some packing material and just send it?

 

Anyway, I just wanted to rant a little...

[Scout]

Friend, I wish I could answer your question. Unfortunately, if I was in your shoes, I'd be asking myself the same thing!

 

Makes no sense.

[Dako]

I could guess a few reasons, but does it really matter?

You could rack your brain over it, but what good does it do.

She's an ex now.

[darkpumpkin]

I agree with Dako Do not rack your brain over this. You will not be able to figure out the answer.

[Q-ball]

Man, girls are just annoying sometimes. Just kidding, well sort of she probably had a little trip down memory lane while she was packing it, got a warm feeling and wanted you to let you know that she enjoyed the time she spent with you.

[Gratsy]

Man, girls are just annoying sometimes. Just kidding, well sort of she probably had a little trip down memory lane while she was packing it, got a warm feeling and wanted you to let you know that she enjoyed the time she spent with you.

 

I agree with this.

[Scout]

I agree with Q-ball, too. Except the "girls are annoying" part.

[need2bme]

OK, I hear ya (read ya) guys and this actually makes my heart feel a little better. ;-)

 

What I should have stated though, is maybe it isn't so much that it made me read into anything, as much as it made me a little sad, annoyed, angry, homesick, etc.

 

Ya know, seeing it all wrapped up as a present, when it means something to me. It would have been easier had she just thrown it in there.

 

Of course, then I would have been thinking,

 

"WOW! Is that all she thought of me?" ;-)

[Scout]

I understand exactly how you feel. Either way is gonna make you feel like crap.

[Dako]

My ex kept wearing her big rock on her finger long after she dumped me.

I ground my ring to dust and scattered it in the wind.

 

I never wondered why.

It's just a friggn ring.

[need2bme]

My ex kept wearing her big rock on her finger long after she dumped me.

I ground my ring to dust and scattered it in the wind.

 

I never wondered why.

It's just a friggn ring.

 

CLASSIC!!

[need2bme]

So, I needed to get in and add what happened Saturday with this deal.

 

I am waiting for my car and went to get a cup of coffee. I notice that I had a missed call from the ex. So, I call her as we have a couple of bills that we are trying to get switched over and one of the companies needs my permission.

 

We talk about the bills and then a little small talk and I tell her I need to go. She stammers a little as all of us have when keeping someone on the phone and says, "I just want to know if you got the package?" She meant the box of mail.

 

I said "yes, I got it. Thanks." To which she replied.

 

"Did you get my gift?"

 

See what I mean? She was referring to the ring in the box with the bow around it. She even mentioned she had put it in the plastic bag with the staple. I said that it was wrapped like a gift and she said, "well, it was."

 

Sure it was, like 12 years ago.

 

Anyway, I ranted this time, because it is still the kind of stuff that makes you scratch your head...

[Grosse vache]

Girls ARE annoying. We do weird things that make you question what the hell is going on in that limited spacial awareness brain of hers. The basic truth is girls like things to look pretty and they like to be told that things they create look pretty. And they also like to wrap gifts in rediculous ways and spend fortunes on sparkly bows and shiny ribbon despite the fact that men do not appreciate this in the slightest because at the end of the day it's just more rubbish that your garbage man isn't going to take away. And maybe, just maybe, she still has a little spark for you and wanted to make you smile.

[need2bme]

Grosse Vache: Thanks for the reply. However, I think she lost that spark. She was with me for 13.5 years. She is now living with someone else in the apartment we shared.

 

She was with this guy and flirting with me and doing other things that people do when they are together, like BEING NAKED.

 

It is a long story, but suffice to say, she should have told me a long time ago that she liked this guy AND if she likes this guy enough to live with him, she shouldn't be sending me my stuff back with bows on it.

 

...especially something as significant as that ring. That is what I meant by exes doing weird things...that make you scratch your head.

[Grosse vache]

You can have sparks for more than one person.

[need2bme]

I know you can have feelings for more than one person, but she chose him. She chose to live with him.

 

She even went so far as to tell me that she was going to try with him. Then, she went through all the crap with me that I have posted on here for the past month, when I let her tug at my heart.

 

So I finally get out of the apartment, start trying to get a hold of my life and rebuild my heart and she sends me the ring all tied pretty and present like AND then asks if I got the package.

 

All I am saying is there was no need for it and I don't get it. There is no need for all of her posturing now. She must still be trying to be the good girl and act as if nothing is wrong, but there is...

[Scout]

There definitely is something wrong with her thinking and actions about this. It's like she wants the attention of both of you.

 

Another real possibility is she knows that her choices caused you a lot of pain, and she feels guilty for that. If you are civil and friendly to her, that "lets her off the hook" so to speak.

 

Don't even fall for this. I think her wrapping up the ring like that was actually pretty insensitive, considering everything she has done. This isn't a "Girl" thing, this is an "Insensitive Wishy Washy Ex" thing.

[blender]

She did this more for "herself" then she did it for you.. she wants to show what a "nice and thoughtful" person she is/was/wants-to-be-thought-of-as.

 

So as much as you could not take it "personally" had she just thrown it in there with the other things as a "negative", it's also important not to take her "wrapping it with a bow" as a "positve'.. and yes I too would be "annoyed, sad, homesick".. .that is exactly how this "gesture" would make me feel... I so relate to what you are sayiing... ugh... why do exes do these kind of things? Usually so they can feel good about themselves...

 

And yes, it's also nice that she returned it in a "valuable way" because the fact is deep down inside she knows what a fantastic person you are....so remember that YOU are so valuable, even if she is NOT capable of staying in a long lasting mature, respectful, effort taking, loving relationship... the fact is "you" ARE capable of doing so..and you will.. with someone who shares your values and standards... the best is ahead of you.. not behind you.. so is the ring on ebay yet?

[need2bme]

I am glad that Scout and Blender ALWAYS slap me to my senses. I should have said something to her, along the lines of what you guys are stating here. I only replied, "yeah, it looked like a present" and then commented on how the bow was tied nice.

 

See, I should have said that I don't need that and there was no need for it. Part of me wanted to just tell her that I think SHE IS doing it to feel better and THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND for CRIPES SAKE!!!

 

She needs to know that it isn't fair to my heart and I need to tell her that this kind of thing has to stop happening. One thing I have learned is that your subconscious can sneak up on you; even when you don't think anything is bugging you; WHAM!!!!!, there it comes and you cry or feel depressed.

 

The last thing I need is someone acting like they are all good when all they did was beat up my heart. I have owned what I did and she should too.

 

I am not going to call her on it, but if she approaches me again with any of this kind of thing or calling just to be a friend, I am going to tell her that it is not going to happen that way and quite frankly, shouldn't.

 

Scout, I know she wants me to let her off the hook, or more precisely, she wants to let herself off the hook. Oh, and Blender, I was ROLLING with the Ebay line...

[need2bme]

OK, so...can ya guess what just happened to me?

 

Yep...the phone rings...I take a look at the Caller ID and lookey there, it is HER. So, I don't answer it, but I figure I know what she is calling for. The message beep goes off and the phone vibrates. Ah, she must have left a message.

 

So, I check the phone message and yep, once again, I was right and you guessed it.

 

"Hey, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy Valentines Day and I hope you are doing OK., etc., etc."

 

Why do I need that message? I am NOT her BF or her valentine. Why call me? ARRGGHH!!!! I wanted to hear that when we were together; not now! See, I look at it like this, if you have feelings for me, then be with me, otherwise...keep it to yourself.

 

The message wasn't even all lovey dovey or anything. Just wishing me a good day, hope I am ok, do this or that and that was it.

 

So again, why leave the message?

[blender]

Ugh... I really feel for you, and you are in the stage of "resentment/anger" and this is great news, because it's not in a "mean or nasyty" way but in a "self respecting" way... these "realizations" about HER life pattern are so valuable for you to remember, thank god you did not answer... and at some point you may want to say to her.."unless you have an epiphany regarding "US".. there is no respectful reason to be contacting me, if in time you "discover" your feelings for me to be "authentic, mature and you want to make a sincere exclusive effort" to try again as a couple, then contact is fine, but for right now I wish to respect myself, you and the relationship you are currently in..and I hope you can do the same".

 

This girl does not have "boundaries".. and could you imagine being the other new guy? How would you feel if the girl you were currently with was calling her ex to wish him happy valentines day? Or sending him a ring wrapped as a "re-gift" to you? At some point you will actually have gratitude that you are not standing next to her on the emotional quicksand that is her life, YOU are now on SOLID GROUND.... and you will heal.. and grow past all this.. ugh.. I know how frustrating this all is.. so set some boundaries with her....for your own sake.

[need2bme]

Blender, you are so correct, but...wanna hear something really sad? I am going to be real honest here. Although I WILL do the right thing...

 

part of me does not want to set the boundaries and another part of me wants to, simply so I can show her...

 

How sad is that? I hope that is normal too. Don't worry though, the part of me that knows I need to heal and do the right thing for me, WILL win out!! ;-)

 

Oh, and the part about the situation being reversed; I can bet you he doesn't know. However, if I brought that up with her, she would simply state that he wouldn't mind because he knows we had a long term relationship together or whatever (as she has said many times before) AND which still leads me to believe she is selfish AND only thinks of herself.

 

The saddest thing about it is, I bet she doesn't even see it that way, because she thinks it is the right way to be. She doesn't see it as bad or wrong. She sees it as ending things the right way and still being friends. To me, there is a little sadness in that, as well.

 

I am going to have to call and set boundaries, but I have to figure out a good time and when I can be strong about it. I am going to have to cut the cord and that, in and of itself, will be difficult. Oh and Blender, I don't think I can really make the steps forward necessary to heal, until I do set them, because that will finally make my subconscious realize what is going on AND allow it to know that it is OK to set boundaries, even to set them with myself.

[blender]

I know you will be ready to set boundaries, when YOU are ready to do so.. I really relate to the "wanting to show/teach her what is "right". But it's that type of "non-acceptance" of her being who she is, that keeps you on "hold" emotionally so to speak..just in terms of your own healing.

 

I can only say that it's all about what is the right timing for you, and when you are "ready' to set boundaries you will. Take whatever time you need to work up to the "acceptance" of who she is, how she is, and what she thinks is right or wrong...and that none of it is "personal" about YOU, it's just her "pattern".. it was in place long before you came along.. and if this guy does NOT know she's in contact with you, and the "way" she approaches that contact...well, then that is a clear sign of her not being "completely" in that relationship either.

 

In the long run, because you are no longer a "couple".. so how SHE values and views "love" is "irrelevant" because it's not healthy for you to think of her "emotional understanding of what is healthy, or appropriate as your "project" to convince her...I've tried doing one of those "emotional projects" with the ex... by staying in contact and not setting clear boundaries, and I spent a whole lot of energy distracting myself from my own healing issues, while I was so focused on "why, how come and why doesn't the ex get it, darn it, I will make sure he "learns" how his behavior is inappropriate and confusing... but the only way to make that clear was by my no longer choosing to hold my half of his unhelathy pattern. And I had to lovingly respectfully set boundaries...

 

Her ever understanding what is right or wrong, does not matter as far as your future, your life, your heart is concerned. I've been in your exact same emotional situation, and it took me a long time to love myself enough to set some boundaries, it was a painful, difficult letting go process, and you can't "rush it" you'll do what you do when you "believe and know" it's the "right" thing for YOU. It takes courage, time, faith, and self respect and self love.. those are difficult qualities to embrace... it's just plain scary..and tough, but the "right" thing to do sometimes is... you'll be ready when you're ready..

 

The best thing I did before I verbally set the boundaries with my ex, was to start living as if I had... in my own mind and heart.. I started to not take anything he did or said "personally".. I set up small emotional goals for myself, by "not engaging" in saying anything to him about the way HE was behaving, I just started with baby steps of imaging my life without HIS influence, emotional tug on my heart, and my own independence free of "thinking what is he thinking".. so start by some positive self talk of "I will let go, I will set boundaries when I'm ready but for today, I will keep reminding myself that she is powerless over my me, she's on her own life journey and whether she ever understands why she does things or not, I will be fine, even better.. no reason to stay in her life to "educate" her..."

 

Get use to "changing your own thought pattern" and your heart will eventually follow the logic... hang in there.. best, Blender

[need2bme]

WOW! How the hell did you get so introspective?

 

See, that is where I want to be. That is what I want to know about myself and be comfortable in my own skin and KNOW it is OK to exist without HER (or anyone for that matter).

 

I think this is what it all boils down to. I don't know how to exist alone. I don't make me happy and I don't quite yet, know how. I have learned, just today, as a matter of fact, that I am in a viscous cycle.

 

If I get uspet at things, I become worried about those things, instead of living life. If I don't take action to resolve these things (lateness, needing someone to make me whole, not studying or whatever), then I create within myself a subconscious filling of the need to feel better and do feel better when I get some of the stuff done, because I am in a rush and finish at the last minute. However, because I don't get those things done in an orderly fashion, I am then in the "upset" position again and it all begins again.

 

The same can be said for me in this damn relationship with the ex. How many times did we not want to cut the chord? Too many. If BOTH of us simply decided to work at it and to totally show love and figure out what was wrong to begin with, then MAYBE...

 

However, I am trying to realize and break these patterns, while I KNOW she is still being selfish. She even told me that it is her time to be selfish. Sure, she took care of her family and put herself on the back burner with them (not with me though), but her attitude to those she supposedly loves as an SO, HAS ALWAYS and ALREADY been SELFISH!!

[blender]

Yes, the cycle you describe of your own self thought, procranstination etc, is what so many of us do, the good news is, YOU are seeing your own "pattern"... and that is the beginning of a whole new life, to acknowledge it and make changes so that life doesn't pass us by spending are time thinking of the past and worried about tomorrow..while the "present" turns into years...

 

I know, I know all too well what you are going through, and the FACT is YOU hold all the power to the change in your life, and being "happy within oneself" is a very tough thing to do, but soooo worth it, it makes us feel better, more centered, we are more attractive to others, and we don't put our self worth into an "outside source" that can change, disappoint and hurt us so deeply to a point where we are not "living in the moment"...

 

sure we will continue to experience sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment etc, but it can be done in an emotionally healthy way once we have a true sense of self... it just takes time, thought, and change in one's OWN BEHAVIOR and THOUGHT PATTERN...

 

it's never ever about trying to convince someone else of something and then we are okay..nope that's not how it works, that's like chasing your own tail, I'll stop once I get a hold of it... instead, just know it's there, it's behind you, look ahead, and then you'll soon stop going in emotional circles, and start moving ahead, it's all about "progress not perfection"...let go... and let god.

 

We are all here if you need to vent.. I need it so much at times... this is a wonderful site, and so many of us can help each other, and learn so much about ourselves when doing so, Me just talking to you about all this is helping my own healing and letting go.. so thanks... blender