Having a tough time today

[iceman85]

Hello everyone, lately I have been doing alot better. I haven't been checking my ex's webpages, I havent talked to her since she contacted me in early December. Of course we fought last time we talked in December because she saw that I went on her screen name found this new guy and tried to figure out who it was by adding them to my buddy list. I had done that awhile earlier and thats my bad. I realize how bad that looks and seems, but I realize now that I still didnt have any control when I did that.

 

We haven't talked since that time, she called me crazy and insane which I think I partly deserve for that action.

 

However, I have been getting better, I have been slowly getting back in touch with all the friends I neglected. Its not easy but I'm doing my best there. I am doing well in school. I have two jobs so I keep myself very busy.

 

There are alot of days where my ex will just be a passing thought. I really do somehow think about her everyday but its not that intense emotional type of thinking.

 

Today however, I woke up and for some reason was just whacked with intense memories of her and how much I miss her. I havent had one of these days for awhile, I dont understand why I get this now. Maybe its because of valentines day coming up and all the memories that brings.

 

I do really miss her though, even after all this time. I have no idea how she has felt about me in all this time. I realized alot of things that were wrong both with the relationship and with me and I have been working on that.

 

I am a much better person than I was when we broke up. But I still wish I had her with me.

 

I've really thought about contacting her again latley, I know it goes against everything that I should be doing and thats why I hold off. But I really miss her, I feel like I'm in a better place. But I hold off because I know its not a good thing to do.

 

I dont know if this is the part of me that still loves her coming out, or what but I just dont know what to do. I really want to contact her, but then again I know thats not good.

[samross]

Is she receptive at all to even talking with you?

[Ellie2006]

Hi Iceman,

I am glad to hear that you've been doing well lately.

Listen, I am probably stating the obvious here but one word: rollercoaster ride.

 

I am so sorry that you're having one of those "not-so-good" days.

BUT please *do* consider focusing on how much progress you've made and how much you've healed over the past couple months.

 

Hang in there, Ice, hang in there.

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[Caterina]

PM me with what happened...maybe I can help.

[iceman85]

I dont know if she is recpetive to talking to me. I initiated NC back in October because I told her it was what was best for me. We stayed that way until she contacted me in early December. We had one really good light convo and then the next day she found out about what I had done and snapped on me again.

 

So I don't know if she is or not.

 

Caterina I'll send you a PM with the whole deal, thank you for your help I really appreciate it. If anyone else wants the whole story I'll post it here.

[samross]

That's what we're here for. Please post it.

 

As far as contacting her again, have you apologized to her for what you did? If not, and you want the relationship to get back on track, then apologize and take responsibility for what you did. Don't bring up what you discovered from your detective work. Sometimes it is simply better not to know. There are probably things about you she is better off not knowing? If so then there you are. We are all guilty of similar things. It's hard to stir crap up and not get any on you. Prove to her you understand you were wrong and want to try again if that's what you feel in your heart.

[iceman85]

Ok thank you everyone. Here's the story I apologize if it is long.

 

We were together for a year and a half. When we first met I didnt think anything of it, eventually though we talked alot and decided to meet up. We had sparks on our first date (we went sledding) and we ended up kissing and things went from there. I'm 21 and she's 19 now. We were 19 and and 17 when we met.

 

We weren't official for a month or two because I wanted to be sure about everything. She kind of took this as me not wanting her, but I assured her thta wasnt true and eventually I realized that I was being dumb so we made it official in April of 2005.

 

Everything was wonderful, we saw each other as much as possible. I was at college and she was in high school at first but we saw each other every weekend. I would drive back to see her. When she started college we alternated going to each other's colleges when we could until she dropped out of school.

 

We had a major fight around this time because I wanted her to stay in school, I didnt want her to give up. I said some pretty insensitive things like people without degrees wont amount to anything and nobody wil want to marry her. She was really upset with me that I handled the situation so badly. I apologized to her for it all and things got back better. We were in love with each other and she brought up engagment rings and getting married, I told her I thought we were too young for it.

 

I loved her too but I didnt think that being engaged or married at this time was the best even though I didnt want anyone else. I didnt explicitly say that but I think she got the idea.

 

We waited a few months after going out to have sex mainly because I wanted it to be special as it was to be both of our first times. We had done everything else beforehand but I wanted the sex to be special. We waited a few months and then after that we had a very active sex life.

 

We celebrated our 6 month anniverseries, our 1 year and everything seemed wonderful. We never wanted to be away from each other.

 

My ex gf contacted me a few months before our 1 year anniversery. I didnt tell my girlfriend because I didnt think it was a big deal. We talked to each other very infrequently about how our lives were going. We were nothing more than friends. One night I was with my gf and the phone rang and it was her, I didnt pick it up but my GF asked me who it was. I said nobody. She tried to grab the phone from me but I resisted. She got very upset with me and then finally got it away from me and asked me who this was. I told her it was my ex and that I didnt talk to her anymore. She said she wanted to call her and tell her to stop calling me. I told her not to. She didnt but was still upset about me not being upfront about it.

 

A few weeks later my gf asked to see my IM logs. I had a program that logged my AIM convos. She saw one with my ex and broke down. She said she was disqusted with me. I told her that we only talked as friends very infrequently and I'm sorry for it. She was very upset and didnt really say much. I talked to her about it and tried assuring her she was the only one for me. She seemed to be fine after that but still upset.

 

After this she lost alot of her desire to have sex. She would tell me she just didnt feel like it, or that it was all i ever wanted, or that she needed to feel up to doing it and she didnt.

 

I was disapointed and tried to talk to her about it but she just said the same thing so I left it at that.

 

About a month before our one year anniversery she said we shoould break up. I asked her why and she just said she thought it was best. I told her I didnt want that, I loved her and I was sorry for everything I had done. She said she loved me too but that sometimes we go through some very hard patches. I told her I would work on the relationship and that everything would be ok. We stayed together.

 

We fought alot, over stupid things. Like if the bed sheets were out of place I would get upset. Or she would call me up constantly wondering what I was doing. I wanted to hang out with my roomates and do stuff but she would get mad at me and say that "i guess i'm not important then" and I would give in to it. So i would lie and say I had homework to do or had to study. And she would call me and eventually get it out of me that that wasnt what I was doing.

 

School ended and I thought this would make our relationship better. We had time to work on things, we had the whole summer ahead of us. One of the first days after school ended she wanted to go out for breakfast. I told her there was this great place near me and I would take her there. We arranged it all, but she always woke up late. She woke up at around 1030 that day and I got her at 1100 and went to the place. It was of course time for lunch by now. I was really upset and she got mad at me saying we shouldnt have gone there anyway. We should have gone to the place she wanted to.

 

I told her I had this whole thing hanging over my head, lets just go and get it over with. She was really upset about that and demanded I drive her home. I stopped and told her I snapped and was sorry. She was still upset with me but we hung out at my house and had sex for the last time. We then went to breakfast and it was pretty miserable.

 

The next day everything seemed to have blown over. I went to her house and we had a fine night. She made me leave early cause she was going out. I didnt like that but she assured me nothing was wrong. On my way home she called me and told me she loved me and she was sorry I had to leave.

 

The next day I went over and she told me we had to take a break. I was floored. I begged her to reconsider, she told me she would try. I professed my love for her, but we didnt do much other than cry and hug alot.

 

We continued to talk and I kept trying to get back. She was with someone else right after me.

 

She had begun hanging out with a new group of people and neglecting everyone else. There were two guys in this group that I thought were shady and I was uncomfortable with it when it began to happen, we were still together. She said I was being stupid. I let it go but it still upset me.

 

She met the guy she was with directly after me through these two kids. They werent good people, into drugs and drinking all the time. I worried about her because that wasnt her at all.

 

One day a close friend of both of ours told me that she had cheated on me. I lost it and called demanding to see her. She agreed. I found evidence of her doing things with the guy dangerously close to the end of our relationship and I showed it to her. She said it was an invasion of her privacy and I was disqusting. Again I told her I loved her and that I wanted to be with her. We cuddled for a bit and hugged and I told her i loved her, she said she loved me too and not to worry about all of this. I even felt her give me a peck on the neck.

 

We broke up the end of may. We continued to talk and see each other here and there until October. During this time I found another girl, as soon as she found out about this girl she demanded I stopped seeing her. When I asked her why she said we should try to get back together. I said that I would do that if we would seriously give it a shot. She told me she didnt talk to the other guy anymore. That she had had sex with him on the day I flipped out on her about the cheating because she felt scared. But that sex with him wasnt like it was with me, it didnt mean anything. We both said that nothing felt right without each other.

 

She never really tried, there was one week she saw me a few days in a row, but she really wasnt receptive, we just watched movies. I felt so uncomfortable cause I wanted to hold her but I couldnt.

 

I was doing stuff I wanted to, One day I told her she could come see me, she said she'd think about it. I hadnt heard back from her so I went down to my grandparents house. I was there and she talked to me online and told me she would come over. I told her to wait a while and we could. I didnt tell her I was at my grandparents. She got upset with me. In a genius move I called her from my grandparents phone. she caller Ided it and flipped out on me for lying.

 

She always hated my family, she never wanted to come to my house because she didnt like my family. One night I was over her house and my mom called her house telling me to come home. I was 20 and I was upset, but I knew if i didnt I'd really get in trouble. My gf threw a fit, was swearing and had to be held down because she was really upset that my mom was trying to control us.

 

Then I went on vacation with my family. I told her that I wasnt sure if i was gonna go. But I figured I would since time away would be nice. I went and she tried calling me, but since I was in another country it was very expensive to talk. I did talk to her though, she eventually figured out I was on vacation and she got very upset at me for lying again.

 

She came with me on my birthday to a baseball game. It was something we had planned very far in advance. She seemed to have a good time. I tried to hold her hand on the walk out but she rejected it and asked me why I did that. I told her because I still cared about her. She said that she should be the one doing that if anything was to ever happen.

 

The last time I saw her at the end of September she came with me to a comedy show at my school. It was a disaster of a night, the show was delayed there was a long wait. The show sucked. I made one last effort. I told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her. She said we werent getting back together. I then gave her a journal of my summer, that had everything that I felt and thought during the painful time without her in it.I told her this had to be it, we couldnt talk or see each other anymore. She said if thats the way I wanted it fine. I gave her a short goodbye hug and she pulled me back and gave me a longer one. Thats the last I ever saw her.

 

She contacted me like I said in early December and thats the last time we spoke.

 

I've realized alot of things. I realized I had an issue with lying. I realized I was letting my parents control me. I realized that we both had become too into each other and neglected our outside interests. I have been working hard on getting myself back.

 

Thats the whole story. I hope someone here can help me.

[Wandering_Sword]

Wow! Sounds like you really need that NC quick. To me, it seems that mistakes were made on both sides. Maintain NC, its obvious from the fight that both of you have not fully worked the issues within yourselves.

But is your intention to reconcile with her or to get some sort of closure to the relationship?

[iceman85]

I've been in NC since October, she broke it in early december when we had the good conversation and then a day after the fight.

 

Other then that its been NC.

 

I obviously still feel like I really care about her and I feel like I want her back.

[Ellie2006]

Hi again Iceman,

 

I just read your other thread (letter) and I truly am so sorry to hear how much you're hurting right now

 

Someone in your other thread suggested that you start journaling to vent your emotions: I do see that you did keep one, which your ex now has.

 

So how about starting a new one (if you haven't already)?

 

I keep one and it's been so helpful; I also write a lot of letters to my ex in my journal as well.

 

I do understand that you think you may wish a reconciliation BUT I do ask you re-read the recap of your relationship: YES, there were those wonderful moments that there were also many not-so-wonderful ones as well, wouldn't you say? Like, the constant arguments, her issues w. your family, your issues w. her friends, the possibility of her infidelity, etc.

 

Now I am NOT highlighting these to hurt you. (I apologize in advance if I have.)

 

Nonetheless, I do believe it is important to retain a clear perception about both the good AND bad so that you do not put your ex on a pedestal and chase after someone that might not be compatible with you?

 

FOR NOW, I ask that you focus on your healing first; while you have been doing really well with NC -- focusing on job, exercising, reconnecting w/ old friends, etc etc -- I ask that you minimize the time you think about your ex.

 

If it is hard to go cold turkey, how about setting aside x amount of time each day/ week? e.g. 10 mins a day? OR 3 times a week?

 

Now after some more time has elapsed, you STILL find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about your ex and a reconciliation w/ her, I do feel, at that juncture, it would be best if you contact her and see where it takes you, perhaps. (I do not think NC is right for every situation BUT how about staying with it for a little bit longer while you get a bit more clarity about your situation?)

 

Just a thought.

 

Ice, I related with so much of what you said in your letter.

I know it's hard and I do feel bad that cliches are all I have for you.

BUT time does heal all wounds; one condition: YOU must allow it to heal you and help you move forward to your present and your future.

Try not to let time trap you in your past, okay?

 

Take care and please know we're here for you.

 

Sending a big hug your way,

Ellie

[arrrrffff]

Great advice, Ellie.

 

I would give it some tme too.

 

Right now from your posts, I just see her being really jealous of your ex, refusing to listen to advice to stay in school, breaking up with YOU...

 

She seems very unstable. I know you love her, but give it some more time.

 

I've been going through it like you since October, and this week was just the worse ever. It just HITS you when you least expect it, and especially when I have 4 lab reports, 1 quiz, 2 mid-terms all that last week. Hold cow that was torture. On top of that, I forgot to return the gym key at work so I'm banned from it, lol.

 

Today, the the kids I coach, our loaction got moved to the gym that my ex coaches. So when i stepped in there today, my heart jus sank. It just NEVER ends.

 

I feel for you. WE WILL HEAL. I need everyone here to believe that too.

[iceman85]

I realized that even though I really miss my ex and I still really care about her. That it wouldnt be right to contact her. While I have improved and learned i'm not where I want to be in the end. I am not totally there yet. I have to continue and not give up.

 

The book "No more mr. Nice guy" really hit home with me. I saw alot of me in that book and I have worked and am working on fixing alot of the issues I have.

 

I also see my ex as having had her own issues. Issues she needs to take care of.

 

It isnt easy for me to do things like set boundaries, stand up for myself, and not be worried about creating conflict. Its also not easy for me to treat myself and not want to help others to look like the good guy.

 

That is just some of what I am working on and I am happy with my progress. I have to continue though. I am only in the beginning and I need to continue.

 

I miss her still and I still care about her, but I have to keep working on me and letting her work on her. Maybe when I am completley satisfied with my progress I can think about contact again.