So is she right?

[Sean]

Ok, so I am dating this wonderful girl Kayla, and I do mean wonderful! She is smart, kind, loving, caring, etc. and really, I haven't been this happy in a long time. Also being with her has helped me improve myself, I am actually trying to keep this relationship going and I am totally committed to her, which has not happened to me since Middle School to be honest. She is just everything I look for in a woman, however her friend is alittle concerned.

 

See, back when Kay was 15 (she's now 18) she knew this guy name David, and well, Kay fell in love with him. Now David was gay, so I don't know how to classified this love. However, David was her first true love, and it was really powerful. However David was killed by this guy because he was gay. This shattered Kay's heart, and well it had a pretty devistating affect on her.

 

Now fast forward to Kay and I, and we're getting along great, neither one of us has never been this happy, and I really do mean happy. Both of our sets of friends never saw us this happy. However, her friend Jess, is concerned because well, she thinks that Kay is trying to replace David with me. Now it is true that I do remind Kay of David and she says that sometimes I do act like him. She also wrote in her blog that "...it's like having Davey back..." However, I really don't have a problem with this. I have talked to Kay about this, and she assured me that she like me for me, and will love me for me. She even wants to love me like she loved David.

 

Look, I don't know if she is trying to replace me with David, and honestly I could never do that. I mean David was a pretty important person in her life, and I understand and respect that, and I have no problems with him always being her first true love, and really, I hope that I experience that type of love too because I never have. I just think that when Kay does talk about how much I remind her of David, she's just noticing how I share some of the traits of someone she loved, and I don't see that as a bad thing.

 

What do you guys think?

[zerohalo]

Some of what you're saying worries me a little. The fact that she is comparing you at all to her first love, openly, seems strange. That it's like he is back in her life... I don't know. And that she wants to love you like she loved him...

 

It really makes me wonder.

[friscodj]

Hey Sean-

 

Well, you talked to her about your feelings here, she provided reassurance, and you said you didn't have a problem with what she wrote in her blog. And you eloquently and convincingly described how wonderful she is and how happy you are. It sounds to me like the problem is in your head and not with the relationship...

 

I think the root of that is the fact she has shared a deep love with someone that you have not. Someone's first love tends to occupy a special place in someone's heart and when tragedy spells an end to this, it becomes more special. Sadly, he is gone now and the memory of him and his love will fade with time...

 

I do understand your concerns here for sure. I think whenever you feel an associated negativity creeping in, remind yourself of her reassurance, how wonderful she is, and how happy you are together.

 

What you have with this woman is like gold. Polish it with enjoyment and by savoring it instead of staining it with negativity and doubt. You are in a very enviable position to a lot of people out there my friend...

[HellFrost666]

JUst from what I am seeing here it doesn't sound like she has completely moved on.

 

"...it's like having Davey back..." However, I really don't have a problem with this. I have talked to Kay about this, and she assured me that she like me for me, and will love me for me. She even wants to love me like she loved David.

This is not a good thing. Weather you have a problem with it or not now, it will cause problems in the long run for you noth.

[sidehop]

She's going to eventually have to let him go or it's not going to be healthy for the relationship you two have.

 

But given the fact that what happened to him which is very sad, that may have impacted her life tremendously.

 

She does sound like a wonderful girl though. You can't replace a person but you can be better one to make her even happier

[Sean]

JUst from what I am seeing here it doesn't sound like she has completely moved on.

 

"...it's like having Davey back..." However, I really don't have a problem with this. I have talked to Kay about this, and she assured me that she like me for me, and will love me for me. She even wants to love me like she loved David.

This is not a good thing. Weather you have a problem with it or not now, it will cause problems in the long run for you noth.

 

 

No she hasn't completely moved on, look, I'm not going to pretend to know what's this love is like, God know's it's powerful. All I'm going to do is to try to be supportive, to be there for her, to care for her and to someday love her. That's all I can do.

[Sean]

She's going to eventually have to let him go or it's not going to be healthy for the relationship you two have.

 

But given the fact that what happened to him which is very sad, that may have impacted her life tremendously.

 

She does sound like a wonderful girl though. You can't replace a person but you can be better one to make her even happier

 

 

Yea, but how do you move on from what appears to be a great guy who had a large impact on her life, to the tragic way that he died? I mean can you really fully walk away from that, from having your first true love, and then have it ripped out of your being?

[karvala]

No she hasn't completely moved on, look, I'm not going to pretend to know what's this love is like, God know's it's powerful. All I'm going to do is to try to be supportive, to be there for her, to care for her and to someday love her. That's all I can do.

 

You're right, and that's good. There may or may not be an unhealthy component in what she's doing now, and it may or may not have an impact down the road, but for now you're doing all you can, and there's nothing wrong with continuing to foster that relationship. You are an individual, she already says she sees you as one, and whether or not that's true at present, she certainly will eventually, and if you've been there for her all the time, then she will think better of you for it. Keep going.

[Locke2121]

It might be a good idea to put some distance between yourself and you lady. Tell her that while your feelings for her are strong, you don't think she has learned to let go of David. You know how special he was to her and would never belittle that, but your not David and don't want to be compared to him or used as a David stand-in. When she is able to move on, she can contact you. If not, then all your love and support at finding another stand-in.

[Sean]

It might be a good idea to put some distance between yourself and you lady. Tell her that while your feelings for her are strong, you don't think she has learned to let go of David. You know how special he was to her and would never belittle that, but your not David and don't want to be compared to him or used as a David stand-in. When she is able to move on, she can contact you. If not, then all your love and support at finding another stand-in.

 

 

Yea, I actually have a good thing going here so no.

[Locke2121]

Do you? You seem to be constantly compared to David. While this a natural side-effect of him being the first love in her life, she seems to not be able to let go. Like someone stated before, you need to get this out of the way or its going to cause problems with your relationship down the road.

 

I don't mean you should break up with her. But I think the two of you need some space from one another so she can get it clear in her head that your not David, don't want to be compared to David and this is YOUR relationship. Your not here to fill in for David...that "its like having Davey back" is a big deal!

[Sean]

Do you? You seem to be constantly compared to David. While this a natural side-effect of him being the first love in her life, she seems to not be able to let go. Like someone stated before, you need to get this out of the way or its going to cause problems with your relationship down the road.

 

I don't mean you should break up with her. But I think the two of you need some space from one another so she can get it clear in her head that your not David, don't want to be compared to David and this is YOUR relationship. Your not here to fill in for David...that "its like having Davey back" is a big deal!

 

 

Actually it's only been once or twice, not constantly, and she reassure me that she likes me for me, and maybe someday will love me for me, and so far I have no reason to distrust her.

 

You know, my guts says that I'm making mountains out of molehills here, and I'm going to have to go with my guts, there's no problem here, I'm just making mountains out of molehills.