Made it 5 days- then...

[HugeHeart]

Well, except for a six word txt message, I managed not to speak to my ex for five days. On the fifth day she txt'd me: "I cannot believe after all we have been through that you would intentionally not respond to my phone calls or messages.... You are not the man I thought I knew."

 

I was really annoyed by what she wrote so I called her and confronted her on why she said what she had. She asked me why we can't be friends and I told her that she hurt me badly and that I needed to take a huge step back. Five minutes later she is sobbing on the phone. So I wound up going to her place, and spending the night there (no explanation needed). Early in the morning I got dressed and left, even though she told me that I could stay.

 

I think I made a huge mistake. I feel worse now than I did before I went over to her place. I've seen messages on advice of how to make it through this sort of thing, but HOW do you guys do it? I mean, it kills me every single day that I don't speak to her. Yet, I know that if I started seeing her again "as friends" (whatever the heck that means) I am setting myself up to get hurt again.

 

HH

[darkpumpkin]

Some people can be friends with an ex other's can't. I'm one of them who can't. I just can't stop myself from having those feelings I once did from someone. But from what I have read on here no matter if you can be friends or not you have to get past the pain. Which takes the horrible thing known as time with n/c. If your hurt you need space to heal and then decide what you can or can't do.

[majord23]

HH, Hang in there pal - it does get easier with time. There aren't many people that find the early stages of NC anything but gut-wrenching....but give yourself some time and you *will* start to see the benefits.

 

As for your post, you need to take a step back when your ex "attacks" you like that mate. You have been ignoring her contact, so she made an 'extra special' effort to get a reaction out of you...and guess what? She succeeded.

 

Nothng wrong with that HH - but learn from it. Next time, don't take her words to heart...and instead think about *why* she is saying them, not the words that she uses. Don't react on emotion - take a deep breath, think about her motivation....and then continue with NC.

 

I suspect that she was getting worried that she was losing you as an option, and was desperate to reassure herself that you were still there for her. So she attacks you, then starts sobbing, gets you over to her place...and wham, bam - she has her security back.

 

From your past posts, it seems that she is returning (or already has returned) to her ex. I dare say that she is unsure if that relationship will be successful, so would love nothing more to have you waiting in the wings if it fails.

Do yourself a favour and work on yourself, so that you'll be able to view her with objective eyes if/when she comes looking for you.

 

At the moment all that she is interested in is what is best for her - how about you adopt the same attitude that she has, and start looking out for "Number One".

 

Stay strong mate.

[HugeHeart]

As for your post, you need to take a step back when your ex "attacks" you like that mate. You have been ignoring her contact, so she made an 'extra special' effort to get a reaction out of you...and guess what? She succeeded.

 

Nothng wrong with that HH - but learn from it. Next time, don't take her words to heart...and instead think about *why* she is saying them, not the words that she uses. Don't react on emotion - take a deep breath, think about her motivation....and then continue with NC.

 

 

Stay strong mate.

 

 

I appreciate the insights. I went back into NC again, and last night I receive three text messages in the matter of an hour. The last one she sent said "Thanks for not being there for me in my time of need. Have a nice life." After reading what you had written, it looks like she is trying to get a reaction out of me again. I am tempted to contact her, but I will try and resist.

 

Why is this girl so insecure? If she is back with her ex, why doesn't she just go to him for comfort for her problems? I guess it really isn't about me (although I did hope in the back of my mind that she was contacting me because she cared about me). The more I think about it, however, I think it's probably just her ego and insecurity that is causing her to try to get me to talk to her.

 

HH

[anggrace]

It is definatly her ego and insecurity causing her to contact you. You are doing the right thing in not contacting her. It is pretty selfish of her to break up with you and then not leave you alone. I think you need to make that very clear to her. Most people who do become friends do so after having time to heal and move on in there own lives. It definatly doesn't seem to be the case hear.

[HugeHeart]

Well, this tops the cake.

 

I am writing this message from a computer lab on campus right now.

 

I bumped into my ex not but five minutes ago. We talked for about 10 minutes and for some stupid reason I asked her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat after her class and talk. She told me "It's too late.. I am not going to call you or talk to you anymore".

 

I was the one doing the No Contact and she threw it back in my face! I didn't realize how emotionally drawn I still was to her. I should have just noded my head at her or waved when I saw her (if even that).

 

Ugh. This is a good lesson- no contact means no contact. I just got myself hurt again.

 

 

HH

[majord23]

Why is this girl so insecure? If she is back with her ex, why doesn't she just go to him for comfort for her problems? I guess it really isn't about me (although I did hope in the back of my mind that she was contacting me because she cared about me). The more I think about it, however, I think it's probably just her ego and insecurity that is causing her to try to get me to talk to her.

 

HH

 

I have very little doubt that she is "playing the same game" mate. Whenever you pull away via NC, she gets angry (or pretends to) in order to have you defending yourself or comforting her. It is the security she seeks, and is going to great lengths to get a reaction from you.

 

She is aware, or at least has to learn, that you cannot be a shoulder for her at the moment - she has made the choice to be with her ex and yes, you are right, she should be leaning on him.

 

As for why she doesn't...well, that's anyone's guess. But my suspicion is that she doesn't feel secure with her ex (yet at least) and so seeks security from the last person that gave it to her - you.

 

So far, she has been able to attain it from you - but once she realises that you are fast becoming a 'non-option' she will then have to make a decision: Stay with her ex, knowing that if it fails that she ends up alone OR make an attempt to reconcile with you before she loses you all together.

 

I can't tell you which way it will turn out here HH - but I can guarantee you that you haven't heard the last from her...and that your actions (or lackthereof) are holding you in good stead for the future - both in terms of healing *and* in terms of possibly having the final say on whether you get back together with her.

[majord23]

Well, this tops the cake.

 

I am writing this message from a computer lab on campus right now.

 

I bumped into my ex not but five minutes ago. We talked for about 10 minutes and for some stupid reason I asked her if she wanted to grab a bite to eat after her class and talk. She told me "It's too late.. I am not going to call you or talk to you anymore".

 

I was the one doing the No Contact and she threw it back in my face! I didn't realize how emotionally drawn I still was to her. I should have just noded my head at her or waved when I saw her (if even that).

 

Ugh. This is a good lesson- no contact means no contact. I just got myself hurt again.

 

 

HH

 

She will contact you again mate - she is trying to make you feel "punished" for ignoring her...so that you don't do it again.

I believe that she now expects you to come crawling back....don't do it.

 

Don't fall into the trap of feeling like the bad guy here: She left you and went back to her ex - nuff said. If she senses that you want her more than she wants you then she will attempt to exploit it for all that she can.

 

And it looks like she has made her first attempt at doing just that.