Writing letter for a girl I'm crazy for; bad/good idea?

[Bigbilly]

So yeah, I could write this story that's like ten pages long about this girl, but I'll summarize as best I can;

 

We meet in class a year and a half ago. She's Vietnamese and she's an angel in human form. We have that class together and take another one together the following semester. As far as I can feel, during the second semester there was a lot of tension. I was crazy about her, but I don't know how she felt. We go to lunch a lot, out for coffee, make small trips here and there together but never a real date because she's very busy with work, school and her family.

We haven't had a class together since last spring, but we still talk. Sometimes she'll call me or I'll call her and we'll get together and go to lunch or meet on campus or hang out for a while. I've had periods whereI thought I needed to give up and tried (without her knowing), but she usually texts or calls me and we start talking again.

I'm crazy for this girl. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't know if I've been "friend-zoned" or not, because it's hard to tell. I don't feel close enough to her to really be a friend, so I feel it might still be up in the air if we can have a relationship. I was thinking for Vday, before she goes to work at 3, I'd meet up and give her a rose and a short letter, telling her how I feel. I would love to it in person, but like I said, she works forty hours a week and I never have a good opportunity.

Would that be a little too middle-school? I write so much better than I talk, because when I talk I get nervous and stutter and forget half of what I was going to say and so forth. I'm going to explode if I don't tell her how I feel. Even if she isn't interested, at least I'll have done it and I will have an answer.

Good/bad idea? I'm drafting the letter now, just in case.

[hosswhispra]

Wow, I love your sweetness. I really do. Go ahead and draft that letter...but don't give it to her. Do it for yourself. Don't let Valentine's day make you feel the need to show her all your cards all at once.

 

Ask her out on a proper date and proceed from there.

[Batya33]

I think that would be a little self-centered of you. Why not let her get to know you through dating and at a reasonable pace, tell her how you feel - if you tell her now it might overwhelm or even scare her and even if she was interested, she may feel you are coming on too strong. It sounds more like you are in love with her image or the idea of love than her and instead of focusing on what she would be comfortable with it's all about you and what you need.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello,

 

As far as friendship... it sounds to me as though you are friends already...

 

Personally, I would go ahead and write the letter, maybe expressing that you are interested. I think I might fall short of telling her you are head over heels in love.

 

Sure, why not tell her?

 

Good luck and best wishes.

 

Jeff

[Fisch]

No letter, people like it when you are straightforward open and present with your intentions (that sentance makes sense when you hear it right). The fact that you have not stated your romantic interest for this woman means that there is a good chance that she will A. think you are a bit of a wuss (because nothing has really changed between you and she will probably assume (correctly) that you have had these feelings all along but never made it clear) cute to outsiders a turn off for the girl B. Women are usually more socially aware than men, if you havent gotten a vibe that she is interested in you romantically, she has probably friend zoned you. I dont know you havent made that clear. A little side advice, dont make it some big profession of love, make it casual but make your intentions crystal clear, and state the reasons why you admire her before you do so. Good luck my man

[Bigbilly]

Yeah, a lot of info got lost in the summary. Lemme expand a little ...

 

Like I said, we've known eachother for a year and a half now. I would say that about a month into she second semester together we did, in fact, start doing what you might consider dating. We went out a few times outside of school for drinks and so forth. When we did meet, we usually met somewhere. She works forty hours a week, had full-time school, had a work-study as a TA and she has obligations to her family, so she really didn't have a lot of free time, so picking her up and spending all evening on a proper date just couldn't happen, even after we tried a couple times. Stuff always came up. Her parents bought her a car, and I think the unspoken agreement is taht she would provide rides for her parents or siblings in exchange for it. Plus, she's Asian and family always comes first.

She's invited me to meet some of her siblings a couple times. She checks in with me sometimes if we haven't talked in a few days. I really wanted to start dating her, but at the time I misinterpreted some of her actions as disinterest when in fact I think she really did have things come up at the last minute that really kept us from going out on a real date.

When class used to end we'd walk together and talk for a while, sometimes she'd come out of her way to talk a bit longer for me. At the time I think we were bother waiting for the other to make some sorta move, but I took some bad dating advice from some stupid people and never took the plunge.

[Batya33]

I understand and still believe the best approach is to ask her out again on a proper date.

[hosswhispra]

I think I remember your story from last year around Jan 2006/Feb 2006--Wow you still got a torch for this girl She must be something. All I am saying is that if you divulge everything all at once, it might be overwhelming to her. I know that love is tugging at your heartstrings but taking that sort of plunge would be like jumping out of a plane with a flimsy parachute. Ask her out and see what happens--all I am advising you to do is: not to show your hand all at once. Go for it man.

[Bigbilly]

You're probably right. Maybe instead of writing anything I outta get her something nice, like a rose, and really just ask her out on a real date. Make it clear. The flowers really don't leave any wiggle room for doubt, because friends don't usually buy them for eachother. I guess the whole point here is I want to make some sort of gesture to let her know I am really into her. From there it's up to her. I don't want to overwhelm her, because even after knowing her for a year and a half it's possible that I might freak her out. I think she knows I am into her, it outta be obvious, but I want to let her know.

[hosswhispra]

You're probably right. Maybe instead of writing anything I outta get her something nice, like a rose, and really just ask her out on a real date. Make it clear. The flowers really don't leave any wiggle room for doubt, because friends don't usually buy them for eachother.

 

Yes Bigbilly, there you go. You got it. The professions of love can happen later on. Build the mystery, the intrigue etc. first

[Day_Walker]

As was stated earlier giving her the letter is not going to be a good idea. It is too much all at once. It seems that you have an interesting relationship with this girl, I am concerned that you have known her this long and have failed to make any kind of move. At this point, you could be in a difficult position but you are going to have to make an effort. Start with a date then go from there just remember to have fun.

[Bigbilly]

That's what makes me stop. I've heard about being "friend-zoned" after a while, but I've also heard of stories where a couple have already known eachother for years before they start dating.

 

I guess the letter was a bad idea, but I think I would like to just give her a single rose or something and ask her, in plain English, for a date. We'll see what happens. I don't feel friend-zoned mainly because she really hasn't opened up to me in a way that I feel with other girls I'm friends with. When we hang out, it's still kinda the fast-talking, one-topic-after-another first-date speech, where you're nervous and just keep talking and talking.

 

I have asked her out in the past. She always said yes, and we made plans but in the end they changed a bit to accommodate things that had come up. She never flat-out canceled, because even if a certain day wasn't an option she'd suggest another, or even if we ran low on time she'd still suggesting at least meeting for a drink or something. She's given me a lot of hopefull signs in the past and recently, so we'll see what happens.

[lifestream]

Yep, I knew my ex for about a year before we started dating. It happens man. Go for it.

 

Just go out together one on one and don't call it a date. See if you can get her alone at some point, talk about something and just gaze at her, see if she gazes back. Compliment her and play with her hair a bit. You should be able to tell if she wants to kiss you back, and thus sealing what you have

[charley]

Oh Lord. I've been through this myself before years ago.

 

Do NOT give a woman anything in writing that you are afraid to verbally say to her in person. Do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT do it in writing. NOT!

 

Trust me on this.

 

Also, don't give her anything in writing that you wouldn't want published in the school newspaper.

 

I'm very jaded about giving women love letters or mushy cards. It's a trap. Don't go there.

 

If she was your GF, it'd be different, except you could then say it verbally, instead of writing it. Speech is much safer than the written word. So if your common sense or fears won't let you say something verbally in person to her, then that's a good clue NOT to write either.

 

I suggest you tell her verbally how you feel, but not get to carried away 'cause you don't want to scare her. Stick to "I like you" or "I like you a lot." I'd avoid the word love since she isn't your GF.

 

Now a simple Valentines card saying, "I like you" or "I like you a lot" is OK. But don't go any farther on Valentines Day in a card.

[Jeffrey2095]

Dear BigBilly,

 

Didn't your post contain this statement...

 

"I write so much better than I talk, because when I talk I get nervous and stutter and forget half of what I was going to say and so forth."

 

My advice was based in part on this statement you made ^...

 

Now, if you find that you have marshalled the power of effective speech... by all means tell her verbally.

 

Maybe... you could write it out, memorize it, and have the best of both worlds.

 

Good luck in any event.

 

Jeffrey

[Altruist]

Bigbilly, most of the responses show that a letter is a bad idea. Imagine the awkwardness if she didn't talk about the letter after reading it. Would you be able to ask her about it? Its better to say such things directly and verbally.

IMO I think you'll scare the girl off if you suddenly became all mushy and started declaring your undying love to her. Even giving her a rose is too much, IMHO. Since you admit that the two of you hang out together from time to time, you could start by expressing more interest in her through your actions and wors when you talk but don't jump straight to 'I love you'. She might be shocked and that would ruin things for you. Take the gradual approach and it will work out. Its better than taking a plunge.