My Own Feelings!!

[mrwoodwork]

Ok I'll try and make this brief but I'm confused about my own feelings and not sure if this is possible. I've been married for 10 years to the most beautiful women in the world with 2 kids. I had a 4-5 months online relationship with another female, whom is married. This relationship was 99% of the time pen pal type, how was the weekend, how was your night, what you gonna do this weekend, I built my own home and she would ask me house project questions, we shared issues with our marriages if they came up. I enjoyed chatting with her cause it broke up the time of my hectic day. I'm in a band, and she was a fan of the band, but I never knew her. I've seen her in person twice for a total of 5 mins and it was nothing, awkward actually cause I really didn't know this person. She is ok looking not really attracted too her, BUT after a few months of this chatting, I decided to push the flirt envelope. Making up a dream about how she and her husband came to my work, and I ended it with "I wish I could say we had sex but we didn't". Then there were other times when she said she was coming to a show with her husband and I said well me and you should get lost, and she said what about my husband I respond ahh we'll just hook them 2 up, ha ha.. After a show she said she wished she would of asked me back to her place, and I said why what would of happened? All just in joking to me to get a reaction. NOW, unfortnately my wife found some of my those emails, including our normal chit chat ones. So obviously things aren't good. My dilema is this: My wife wants me to admit I had feelings for this person. AND I can't say I did, I never would of had sex with her, I never would of gone back to her house, really when I left work I never thought of her. The only time and "sexual" thoughts came to mind was when I was typing my 4 or 5 "flirting" emails. I just enjoyed chatting with her online only. NOW I know this is unappropiate behavior and I was totally wrong, and I hate myself for this. But I'm trying to be honest with myself and wife, but I can't admit having more than friends feelings for her, while my wife knows that I must have.. Can it be possible for me to have hidden these feelings? Or did I have these feelings, but just don't know it? Our marriage is just about over cause of this, I'm going to a therapy, in a few days and my wife refuses cause she has so many feelings she doesn't know what it will do (which too me is why she should go) but please help!!

[lovecrazy]

OK how about being married for ten years, kinda gets you out of that deseriable position...

 

Most married women, and men, after a few years, want to know they still have. That they can turn heads, or flirt to a certain extent, and get a reaction. So maybe it rubbed you the right way to know that you can flirt, and get a reaction.

 

Its not really cheating, nor an emotional affair. But it is still hurtful your partner. I have been guilty as this as well..

 

Maybe that is why you did this...maybe that is why you pushed the flirting envelope... make sense?

 

Just tell your wife, that you love her very much, and that you are sorry that this seems very dishonest. That you think the reason this happened is because you feel undesireable. BUT if you do tell her this it could go one of two ways....one she feels so bad that you feel undesirable, and that she feels like she did something wrong. Also it could go into a bigger discussion of why you need to feel wanted by another women.

 

Either way you need to talk to your wife about this...

[anggrace]

It sounds like the best thing would be therapy. Im guessing you have been very persistent in telling her that the other women meant nothing too you and persistent in telling her how much you love her and want no one else? Sometimes that really needs to be stressed, times like now. Getting defensive would be the worst thing to do. I hope that she will change her mind and go with you to therapy. Sounds like its needed in order for her and yourself to understand why you did this and to figure out how to she can begin to trust you again. How long ago did she find out?

[mrwoodwork]

Yes, I tell her on a daily basis. (She found out about a month and a half)We've had good talks, I wrote a 20 page letter about that relationship and other things. That seemed to help for a day or 2 then she says she thinks about it and it eats her alive again. And she says as of right now if a decision had to be made we'd get divorced. BUT she says hopefully time will change her feelings. We sent this girl an email stating that I was sorry for stating the flirt stuff and that our relationship was inappropiate for married people. And that helped for a few days. We've had a few sexual moments drivin by her, we've done friend things with the family had some laughs, but then it all goes back.. I know I have issues, one being self esteem and undesirable. But it all come back to her not believing me about my feelings towards her.

[Scout]

If you sincerely did not have feelings for this other woman, whatever you do, don't back down from that statement. Even if your wife questions you on this ten times a day for eternity. Because I guarantee, the minute you get weary and say "yes" just to get your wife to stop asking, THAT'S when she'll leave you. She keeps asking you this now because she just doesn't believe you yet, she hasn't been able to get her head wrapped around why you would say such things to another women unless there was something there.

 

I don't blame your wife for being terribly hurt by all this, by the way. To be honest, if I read such emails as you describe, I would have a hard time ever trusting my partner again.

 

However, I think it's a good sign you're going to therapy, and I bet your wife will eventually join you in some sessions. That's going to be the key to your marriage surviving this.

 

Oh, one more thing...this month's issue of Good Housekeeping magazine features articles that delve into frank discussion about marriage and sex. One of the points brought up that I found most interesting was that marriage is not naturally conducive to wild, passionate, experimental sex, because after a while, we associate our marriages with family. So that's why a lot of people look outside of their marriage to validate they are still sexual, wanted, passionate beings.

 

Not that this is an excuse, but it might give you some insight into why you pursued such a dangerous flirtation.

[mrwoodwork]

She just keeps saying, why don't you just admit to me that you had feelings for her. And all I say is then I'm lying to both of us then. I told her maybe during cousneling something will come out and I told her I'll tell her. Maybe in some way I did have stronger than friends feelings for her. But I just don't feel it or remember it. I've promised to find out why I had to seek out the need for talking to another women so often. I have theories, self esteem, positive reinforment that I don't get at home all the time, which can be worked on. But I love my wife so much, and I cry all the time not cause of what could happen but what I did, I take it with me every second of the day. This past Sat. was our anniversary when we started dating, we had forgetten the date a few weeks ago (when we were both positive) so I had on surprising, I sent her 11 pink, and 11 red roses along with a card that said:

 

"It’s been eleven years today since we first kissed and decided to take the first step in our long journey together. That moment I’ve never forgotten and relive every time we kiss, although the act is the same, the love and passion behind each one has only increased. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, far from perfect is true, but that moment eleven years ago was the most magical moment of my life, it has transcended any individual moments of my life before or after, for that was the moment that god answered my prayer and gave me a miracle that will be the strongest thing in my heart forever. "

 

She said what I did meant nothing, she felt like I was trying to win back her love. I was always romantic like that, in the past no so much recently. But it hurt when she doesn't feel anything.

[Scout]

I have theories, self esteem, positive reinforment that I don't get at home all the time, which can be worked on.

 

So, do you think if your wife gave you more positive reinforcement you wouldn't have engaged in a sexual flirtation with another woman? I just worry that if this is the case, even if you and your wife do make up, that you'll still be susceptible to looking outside your marriage for validation. Because there is no way a partner can fulfill all our needs all the time. And if you even unconsciously blame her for this, you are setting yourself up for not taking full responsibility for your own choice. Which will also make you more susceptible to making the same mistake again.

[mrwoodwork]

No I'm not blaming her and I don't know if I would of made those sexual comments or not. I made the choice to continue talking with this person without thinking of the consequences. My problem is, well I have a member in the band (married) who is VERY flirtatious with women face to face I mean says some repulsive things to women and they all giggle and laugh "Oh "NAME", hehehehe", I COULD NEVER say that kind of stuff face to face with anyone. So After talking to this person for a few months I felt comfortable enough to just throw some questionable flirtatious comments, for that giggle giggle and got little reaction from the ow. Cept for the one where she said I should of asked you back to my house. But I want to find out what triggered the need to keep engaging in this conversation, was it just boredom at work? Was it I needed someone else to share my day's activities with? Was it I was enjoying talking to someone who couldn't tell me any negative comments? I've always been a person that anyone could open up to and I'd try and help them, I helped her in her marriage a few times, and I felt good about it. I hoping therapy can help me understand this. I just wish my wife would go with or to someone by herself, cause we won't survive if she just keeps this all bottled up.

[lostinwilderness]

I do not think that you should admit to something you do not feel.

However, you do need to validate your wife's feelings. Show her that you understand how she could feel that way and that you are sorry you hurt her.

 

She also needs to keep hearing that you only want and love her and that you want to prove that to her. I think that it may take a lot of time before she can really believe it, but she keeps needing to hearing and seeing it.

 

I am in a similar situation with my wife, where she feels I had an emotional affair, and while I take responsibility for some really poor choices and the pain I caused, I cannot honestly say to myself or her that I cheated on her.

 

I see hope in the little things in my relationship. I say keeping bringing the flowers and little things that you did to win her over in the first place. She may not be in a position to return those gestures, but I think she still needs to see them. Look for those little things and keep hoping and working on making things better.

 

I am hoping with you.

[mrwoodwork]

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying and trying. I've told myself even though I sometimes say I can't do this anymore, I cannot give up cause even though I have to live with what I did, I have to do everything humanly possible to try and fix it. If I do everything I can, at least I can say I tried everything possible.

 

I don't plan on admitting it, she's keeps telling me I'm lying though. So, maybe after I tell my therapist everything, maybe something will surface. And I feel the same way as you. Unfortunately, I got joy out of talking to another female, any kind of joy with another is ABSOLUTELY WRONG!! I look back and say how stupid of me for being so selfish.

 

Good Luck yourself.

[Rabican]

just tell her how you feel... heart to heart like... dont get all mad, and defensive.. that makes you look guilty. Apolagize like crazy, buy her flowers, beg her to go to therapy with her and kiss her butt like your life depends on it. GOod luck.

[mrwoodwork]

Yeah, thats all I've been doing. Let me ask you all this, she keeps changing her mind, her moods change drastically. One moment, we laugh giggle talk future plans, then its right now I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this and stay married to you. We've had some intimate moments (I held back from letting them get to intimate) and before and after those moments she says she loves me, misses me, begs me to swear that this was all nothing. Then a day or 2 later, back to the coldness.. Is this a good or bad sign? She doesn't want to get a divorce, she's says it all the time. But she doesn't think she could ever love me again.

[Jeff777]

Just be honest with yourself and how you really felt about the "other" woman. Then be honest with your wife about it. That's all you can really do (other than take a lie detector test). You see - because you hid your activity from your wife - now - she feels she can't trust you. Can you blame her?

 

Trust will take time to rebuild - so hang in there and do the counseling - it should open up the lines of communication. Best to ya!